8 Minutes of the Funniest Fat Guy Jokes | Moody Molavi Comedy

Comedy clubs, they pack you in. Here, not nearly as bad as many other clubs I've been in. And there was a lady my size, you know, and she was upset. Like, I walk around before the show and people flag me down. I'll talk to them and stuff. And I looked at her, she was really upset. I said, what's going on? And her name is Linda, because that's her name. We don't play favorites this way, you know. And I said, what's going on? She goes, I'm still hungry. I said, okay. So, well, you had the wings, right? She goes, I did. I did. They just took them away. I said, yeah, I saw that. She goes, I thought I was going to get eight. I only got seven. I said, I know that feeling. The next thing I tell you, you're either going to hate my guts or we're going to be best pals. She goes, what's that? I said, you might not feel this, because I have the same problem. But if you lift up that muffin top, there's another one hanging out right there. It looked like the Witch of the West. Just one leg, you know. And she popped it out. She goes, it's still warm. I was doing this show, this Christmas show a few weeks ago. And they had, it was a banquet. And they had this chair, like all the chairs in the banquet hall were, I don't know, they were just pieces of plastic put together with toothpicks. I don't know what they were, but everybody was sitting on the edge and they didn't want to fall. They were just like this. Like no one was having a good, sorry, again. Showing my butt to these people on the right. So that like, no one wanted to sit there. And I'm like, I'm going to give it to God, right? I'm just going to lay back in that chair like, yeah, if it holds me, y'all, we're good. About that time, the chair says, no, no, we're not. And that's when we learned I do not bounce. You would think. But when the mass hits, it's like, nope, we're good. We're fine. We're where we wanted to be. So, so I, the guy from two tables over comes over and he says, are you okay? If you see someone fall and hurt themselves, don't ever ask that question. If you see they hurt themselves, they're obviously not okay. It just enrages them further. You know, they're already embarrassed that they fell in front of 300 people and they're supposed to go on stage in just a minute. And so you just ask, are you okay? Like, no, man, I'm pretty far from okay. So all of a sudden you're angry at these people. And unfortunately, if you're from Iran, your other voice might come out. I am not okay. Like, oh, all my security here comes up, you know, then again. So I pop up because I wear a new watch. This watch has the new OS that if you're down too long, they'll call the ambulance service on you. Have you noticed that? Have you seen that? Where if you're on a roller coaster, you'll have all these EMTs sitting there at the end of the roller coaster like, who's dead, who's dead, y'all? Your stats are going through the roof. Here, if I fall down, I don't want that extra attention. It's already bad enough. So I pop up fairly quickly. At our table was a nurse and she didn't even try to help me. I'm like, aren't you a nurse? She goes, yeah, but you were too fast. Too fast, where do you nurse? She goes, I'm a hospice nurse. So I got diagnosed with sleep apnea by a family doctor. His name is Dr. Larry Chin. He's a, well, he's a family friend. And I had to go through the whole sleep apnea test, which is stupid. I mean, look at me. Duh. Okay, next level. Let's go on. That's another thing at work. I've got to prove that I'm fat. Like I need a bigger chair. Well, wait, you gotta go get a doctor's note. Really? Would you like me to sit in your chair? No. Then can you sign for me to have one, please? I mean, how hard, can we just do this telemedicine? If you take up the entire camera, like, okay, done. Should be a very easy visit. We shouldn't have to spend $300 to figure out that I'm fat and then we'll break everything that you don't tie down properly. This chair's like, please don't sit on me. You look sturdy, fella. I'm not, leave me alone. Put your foot on me, that's fine. But don't sit there. So yeah, so I have to prove that I have a disability. Actually, I do. I've got a busted back. I've got a L1, L5S1. L5S1 looks like the Millennium Falcon because it ruptured years ago, calcified. And now it looks like it's got that turret. It sits right on the sciatic nerve. So that's why I'm doing this to get off the pressure. But it's a very painful thing. And somehow I've got to prove it. Went to my back doctor. He's like, well, I don't really feel like we need to write that doctor's note unless you come into the office. I'm like, you really suck. He's the one that told me he won't do the surgery until I lose 200 pounds. I don't know how much you weigh. How much do you weigh? 190. I've got to lose you and all your clothes. I've got to leave you behind. And this is like, we can't do surgery on you because you're going to die and mess up my stats. At least you're truthful. Y'all know what a CPAP is? It's for people that sleep apnea. For you little people that don't understand this. It's where fat people, we go to sleep and we die. That's pretty much what happens. The fat cells are going to act like, we have lived a long, good life. Let this thing go. Well, how would we do this? Let's crush his airway while he's not looking. When should we do it? During a baseball game or NASCAR? He tends to doze off during that. So if you hear, that is not a snore. That is the fat cells just charging their way through to the airway. Just stop him, stop him, bring him down. So I wear this octopus that sits on my face like this. It's quite amazing. And my wife, her voice changes seasonally here in Tennessee. Like sometimes it's real nice and pretty and sometimes it's not. It's like she takes on the persona of my father. You know, like, hey, how you doing? I'm pretty good, how are you? I mean, that's bad enough. I know I'm going to sleep next to my sister. But I don't want to be waking up surprised by my brother. You know, he's just gone. That's kind of odd. So my son, he loved to be a kid. And he was like, he'd have nightmares. And he'd come down to me and talk to me. He'd say, well, I had a dream. And I'm over there with my snorkel trying to paint it. And she turns to him and said, tell mama all about it. A special dream. Just think about me and you going out to the woods and picking them flowers like mama likes. He screamed. He starts running that three mile trek around the bay. You know, he comes to daddy for support. I'm like, I'll pay you head back.