I Enjoy Being Divorced - Kat Bird Stand Up Comedy

My name is Kat. I'm a lady. Just getting out the basics. I'm actually trying to be more adventurous this year. I recently bought a tent. And I feel like buying a tent is a lot like shaving your butthole. I'm like, ****. Now I gotta use this thing. Take it to the streets. Let a homeless man play with it. Sorry, unhoused. I'm trying to get hotter. That's been fun. As you can see, I'm trying to get hotter. I just started getting acne. Hoping for tits soon. I know they're coming. 33. I think that's the time where you get them. A lot of my friends are actually getting pregnant right now. They're pregnant. My best friend, she's 8 months pregnant. So I think she's gonna keep it. She keeps asking if I want to have a kid. She's like, you're gonna have a kid? I'm like, I don't know, man. I feel like having a kid is a lot like owning a gun. If I had one, I'd shoot myself. I'm from L.A. originally. Is anyone else here from L.A.? Hell yeah, dude. I ******* love L.A. I grew up here. We didn't really have a lot of money growing up. I know that because we were Clippers fans. Clippers basketball. That's court-ordered basketball. I don't know if you know that. That was the only basketball game I saw the mascot turn the gun on himself. He's like, just make this end. I love this city. I realized during the fires how poor I was, actually. The fires were kind of a crazy time. I got evacuated and I went to a better home. I don't know if anyone experienced that. I was like, oh ----, this home has a bed frame. This is nice. I was really lucky. I got to move back into my home. I was really lucky. My friend helped me move back into my home. She was like, oh my god, you've been looted. I was like, no. This is just my home. She was like, well, you should loot. It can happen. Maybe get some soap. I did some volunteering during the fires. I volunteered with the fire department. I did what I could, mainly hand jobs. But I was out there just wrapping my fingers around a hose. I didn't mean to make eye contact with you on that. I feel like I looked you in the eye. I was like, hand job. You guys look like you give that to each other. I'll be honest. I feel insane. I went to a sex party this weekend. Do you guys do that? Do you go? Okay. Just two dudes that want to go. You guys are. You go. Okay. I feel like I opened a can of worms here. I'm terrified. So you've been to a sex party? Okay. You're lying. And I enjoyed it. I didn't know I was going to a sex party. I thought I was just hanging out with some hot chicks. And then the guy opened the door. He's like, who's ready for the orgy? I was like, I guess I am. But I did wear this outfit. This is what I wore. I was the most clothed person at the orgy. They're like, you want to get comfortable? I was like, I'm going to take off my shoes. Really settle in here. I think I'm pretty sexually liberal. I will say I'm pretty open. But when you go to a sex party, I'm like, ****. Maybe I'm a Republican. I don't think I'm doing it right. I feel like I am not doing sex right at all. Those guys are professional. They're like LeBron James. And I am whatever the opposite of that is. I'm not totally sure. I am single right now. I'm going through a little bit of a breakup, which is interesting because it is a divorce. And it's a strong D to swallow. It is a hard D. It's a hard D to swallow. It is. It's been fun, though. I've been really enjoying being divorced. I was living with my ex in a studio apartment. That was kind of an interesting thing. Has anyone lived with their ex in a studio apartment? No. Okay. Wow. Okay. Did the divorce... Are you doing that right now? Are you and the ex in the room together? No. Okay. How was it? Better now. Yeah. Are you still in the studio? Okay. One bedroom. Wow. ****. I'm still in the studio. I think I fucked up on that one. Good for you. The worst part about living in a studio with your ex-husband is the revenge bod. He's actively doing it right now in front of me. I'm seeing him work on his revenge body. The other day he ordered creatine. I was like, what the ****? He's doing burpees in the living room? This is crazy. Then he asked me to spot him. I'm like, I'm not going to spot you. I'm not your PT for puss. This is crazy. That's like if I had revenge tits this whole time. I was like... A lot of my friends are like, you've got to start dating. I don't really... I think I'm too picky to be dating, I'll be honest. Because I recently went on a date with a man and I asked if he wanted to drink. I wanted to buy him a drink. He's like, no, I can't, I'm driving. I'm like, oh, this is never going to work. This is a red flag, a big red flag. I like to do drugs. Do we do drugs here? That's my sex party guy. I like doing drugs. A lot of people think I'm sober. I'm not. I just don't own a hairbrush. I like them. A lot of my friends are California sober. Is anyone here that sucks? I agree. You're California sober? I'm not. I know what it is. You know, you look like you would say that right now. You look... Is your name Tyler Chad Matt? What is your name? Bryson. Oh. We knew, we knew. Is it Bryson spelled with like a Y-I-S-O-N? I hate you. California sober. Yeah, I think I learned what California sober is. A lot of my friends are California sober. This is the formula. You say you don't drink, and then it's followed by something ******* weird. And then you say you don't drink again. And my friend's like, I'm California sober. I don't drink, but I like to get fingered at at Target. But I don't drink, so. I like to do drugs. Sometimes I do the wrong drugs for the wrong occasion. I don't know if anyone's done that before. Have you done that and ******* messed it up? One time I did cocaine, and I went to a soft jazz concert. Everyone was in the back grooving. I was in the back like, I ******* love this song! ------- love it! Play it again! The worst is when I did acid and I went to Glendale. I was just petting Persian tapestries. It was just an Armenian man's back. I was like, ****, this is good. This is nice. I did get arrested. Thanks, Bryson. What fraternity were you in? You weren't in one? Really? Did you crew? Polo? ****. I think you're live, but also you suck. That's great. I got arrested. I did get arrested for doing drugs. I overdosed on a pot brownie. Yes. And I went to LAX, and I got arrested there. Because the cops saw me, and they thought I had Ebola. Do you guys remember? That's when your eyes bleed out of your head. They're like, she's got that. So I had to call my dad, because I got arrested. And he's very empathetic. He does a lot of drugs. So what I told him, he's like, Catherine, when I was your age, I had a lollipop that made me want to divorce your mother. I was like, a weed lollipop? He's like, no, I just ******* hate your mother. So my parents are divorced. I do love my dad. He is recently divorced. My dad is a single man. I'm also single, so you know. No, we're just friends. But my dad, he's out on the prowl. And he actually, this is serious, but he married my babysitter. My dad married my babysitter, which I think in LA is very common. If you watch porn. I think it's very common. My babysitter and I. I also have a younger sister. She's non-binary. So she's my half-sister now. Sorry, she loves that joke. But they hate it. I'm a female comedian. Hi. And I got a lot of male comedian friends. And all my male comedian friends get like really beautiful women just motorboating into their DMs. Just hot ladies. Tell me about your DUI. I want to hear about your fifth year in high school. The guys that crawl into my DMs are like, hello. Funny lady. Ladies don't joke. Very funny, huh? Send money. Prison. Help. Those are my guys. Those are my homies. My boys. This is that guy. Trying to get smarter. That's been hard. I'm not very smart. I realized. I just got an analog clock. I just got this. And I've realized it's not pronounced anal log. I'm doing that a lot. It's just an anal log. It's a different thing. That's fine. But I am trying to get smarter. I was in special ed growing up. Is anyone else rude? Really cool? Is anyone really? I was in special ed in the 90s. It was very easy to get into, actually, if you're thinking about it. Like I couldn't do cursive. And they're like, she's retarded. I also said 9-11 was an inside job. Which I guess is crazy to say in 1998. Bad with money. I'm so bad with money. I'm really bad with money. Which I think makes you a good time, actually. People that are bad with money, we're good time. People that are good with money, it's like, whatever. You're saving. We are buying an ant farm. I actually got fired. I was working as a barista. Is anyone gay? I was working as a barista. I got fired from my barista job because I was offending a lot of women with my latte art. Those little cappuccino hearts? Those are like one flick of the wrist away from a giant cock. A lot of cappuccinos, a lot. One woman got really mad. She's like, I just put a giant penis in my mouth. I'm like, I know, but what about the coffee? I think my favorite part about this job, I was working with a lot of shorter guys. We have some short men here tonight. Yes. Can't see ya. That's true. How tall are you? Five inches. That's pretty good. Shorter than average. In more ways than one. Okay. Alright. I've lost control. That's amazing. Is your penis like nine inches and you're five? How does that work? In centimeters? Absolutely. I gotta get out of here. I like short guys. I'll be honest. I love short men. Not you, but I love short men. I love short guys. My first boyfriend, he was actually 5'4". In heels. And he was perfect height. Because whenever he kissed my lips, he always hit my clit. I don't want to say that. I'm a really bad driver. You guys probably got that by my vibe. I'm so bad. I recently got pulled over for a DUI. And I was sober, actually. The cop was like, how much alcohol have you had today? I was like, actually nothing. He's like, did you know there is alcohol in kombucha? Which is the closest I've ever been to racially profiled. Can't trust these guys. Alright. Well, I'll leave with a dark joke. Yeah, you guys probably like dark jokes, right? Love you guys. Okay. Do you know what CTE is? Have you heard of CTE? Yes. A lot of football players get it. I guess it's when you get hit in the head so many times, you turn gay. And you can't cope, so you murder your family. Because you're Aaron Hernandez. A lot of women get CTE. Did you know that? Women get CTE. And the number one cause is men with CTE. I know. That's my closer. I love you guys. Thank you so much. Goodbye.