Funny Stories If You're Having A Bad Day | Stand-Up Comedy Compilation

New York City, everybody. Here we are. City of dreams. That's how they bill it, right? City where dreams come true. Have you looked around? Does it look like people's dreams are coming true out there? Oh, look, a Mexican man delivering Chinese food on a bicycle, just like he always dreamed back home. A family digging through the garbage for bottles and cans because they're just that passionate about the environment. Do what you love and the money will come a nickel at a time. People working two and three part-time jobs into their 30s and 40s, having two and three roommates. A lot of people seem to have that dream in New York. And it is coming true. Living in New York is like one extended game of how well are you hiding your poverty? And depression. Some days you'll hide the poverty better, other days the depression. But when you get that balance just right, oh, people say, look, that guy's dreams are coming true. Let's get a selfie with him. Everybody's hustling in New York. Overworked, underpaid. Sometimes you just get hired for jobs you didn't even apply for. I drive a 2007 Toyota Prius, charcoal gray, nondescript. But now that Uber and Lyft exist, people just get into my car routinely. Just recently, this young woman gets in my car, announces, we're going to Brooklyn. Starts waving her girlfriends over. I'm like, whoa, whoa, we're not going to Brooklyn. She's like, excuse me? I'm like, I'm not a cab driver. She's like, what? I'm like, this is not a cab. I'm a person who has a car and drives himself places he needs to go. And then she was horrified when she realized that she ran out, traumatized, into the embrace of her friends as if I had done something wrong. I was like, you broke into my car. And she was so sure of herself that I was like, maybe I do work for Uber. Is this how they hire you? Someone just gets in and is like, all right, where in Brooklyn? Where do you, I just want to get a good review. I hit a cop car with my car. I don't recommend doing that. I was driving home with my fiance. We were just a few blocks from home. We were passing by this cafe that I go to from time to time. I noticed it peripherally that they were open later than usual. So I turned my head like, oh, they're open later than usual. When I turned back, the words police were getting closer and closer. I rammed into the cop car's bumper. And my fiance, to her credit, didn't say anything, but I could just feel everything she was thinking. I was like, you're right. You're absolutely right about all of it. The cop car, we're at a light. The cop car turns off to a side street. So then I turned to my fiance like, should we just get the hell out of here? Like, it's like, no, we can't do that. So then I turn and follow the cop and pull up behind him. Now all of a sudden it's like, I'm pulling him over. Maybe I work for the NYPD now. So then we're just sitting and waiting. Cop finally gets out, ambles over. First thing he says is, bad idea hitting a ******* cop car. I was like, yeah, actually it wasn't my idea. Just happened. Then he was kind of like pacing around. Like, remember when you were a kid and your parents were almost like searching for the punishment? They were beside themselves. So I'm waiting, finally he's like, **** it, I don't want to deal with this. I was like, that was my solution. Then he goes, you were never here. Which I thought was almost existential. Like, are any of us ever really, truly here? Then he turns and walks back to his car. As he's about to get in, he turns back and says, oh, are you okay? I was like, yeah, we're fine. Are you okay? He's like, yeah. Gets into his car, drives away. I turn to my fiance and say, I don't know what these black folks are complaining about. That could not have been a more pleasant exchange. I felt safe. I felt protected. I felt like my life mattered. It was like we were thrust into a commercial for white privilege. If you're not sure whether or not your life matters, I suggest that you hit a cop car. Just see how the rest of the exchange goes. It'll be a little different for everyone. Results may vary. Some assembly required. There's a gas station near my house. Has a little handwritten sign on one of the pumps. It says, please replace nozzle to pump before driving away with it. Thanks. And like years ago, I took a photograph of this and I posted it to Instagram and me and a bunch of strangers made fun of all these human trash piles who were just driving away with the pump still in their goddamn car. And so when I drove away with the pump in my car about a year ago, I was bashful. Have you ever made fun of yourself from the past with a bunch of strangers? Because I have. And the thing is, I didn't even know I did it. I had no idea. Yeah, I hopped in the car, blasted my meditation app, and just took off, ripped it right out of the pump, had no idea, and then immediately pulled an illegal four-lane U-turn. And all of the oncoming traffic was like, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba. And I was like, oh, **** you, you ******* church Nancys. It's a U-turn. So I gave them all the middle finger, meanwhile spewing gasoline across the street. And then I made a right, and I got on like a big highway, started going very fast. And mind you, I just have a tail, like dragging behind me, like, ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And then this big white pickup truck pulls up next to me, and he's honking at me, and I was like, what? It's a U-turn. And he's like, roll your window down. And I was like, what? And he's like, you drove away with the pump in your car. And I was like, oh, you drove away with the pump in your, oh, no. So I did. And then I was very, very, very embarrassed. And I'm on the highway, I didn't know what to do. So then I just like pulled over to the side of the road, and then he pulled over, too. And then like, I got out of my car, and then he got out of his car, too. I was like, deeply embarrassed. You know, it's essentially like, I ---- my pants, and then he like, followed me into the bathroom, like, hey, man, do you ---- your pants? Hey, how much ---- is in your pants? Hey, why do you think you ---- your pants earlier? And I was just like, what do you want? And he's like, do you need help? And I realized, like, I had a choice to make here. You know, I could act the way men have acted for centuries. I could act like a wounded animal and lash out at this man to protect myself, or I could be a better man. I could admit my vulnerabilities and say, yes, I screwed up, and I do need help. And so that man said, hey, can I help you? And I said to him, no! And then he got mad and got in his car and drove away. And then I was left alone with my shame. And I like, walked over to the back of my car. I pulled out the gas pump, and I was like, oh, there's definitely still a lot of gas in here, you know? It's like, I can't put it in my car. It fumes and stuff, and I'm picking up my daughter. What would be very useful right now is a pickup truck, but I just told that guy to go **** himself. So then I just left my car on the side of the road and then walked with it in my arms all the way back along the highway, down the exit ramp, back to the gas station, where both managers were waiting for me outside. And I just kind of laid it at their feet like a big dead snake. And I was like, well, what do we do now? Turns out it costs $350, which is honestly a lot less than I expected. I mean, you don't get to keep it, but also they're like designed to just pop right off. So the thing is, it's like, just do it. It doesn't matter, just do it. Also, if you turn it into a comedy bit, it kind of pays for itself. I go over that wherever I'm needed, wherever I'm needed, wherever someone needs me to come and do stand-up comedy, I am there. Couple of years ago, I went to Iraq because that's where people were working. I am always going to be against a war because I am against hitting. But here's the thing, everything above hitting, I'm against it. But I support the troops. We all support the troops. I support the troops finding other work most of the time, but I support the troops, right? And that's where they're working. And I don't know anything about the armed forces. I know nothing. So we go in July because that's when you want to go. That's when you want to go to Baghdad, July. I had always wondered, what would it be like to live in a convection oven? I said to myself, it's hot, it's windy. So we go, and it was me, two other comics, and four Philadelphia Eagle cheerleaders, B-Squad, meow, because, oh yeah, oh yeah, they were jackasses. They were complete and utter jackasses. Because here's the thing, we're there in July, right? In July, there's dust storms. We were supposed to fly everywhere. And I wanted to fly everywhere because I wanted to fly in a helicopter. I've never flown in a helicopter. I like video games. I wanted to fly in a helicopter. And, but they were like, no, no, dust storms. We cannot fly. And the cheerleaders became angry, angry cheerleaders. I don't know if you know about angry cheerleaders, but it's like bees. And yeah, they wanted the army to fix the weather. Turns out the army's plate was full at this time. And it's the weather. So we had to drive everywhere. And so we were driving and we drove in these MRAPs, these mine resistant armored personnel vehicles. And everybody kept saying to me, don't worry, Jackie, don't worry, no one's ever been killed in an MRAP. No one's ever been killed in an MRAP. And I'm like, really? Has anyone ever wet themselves in an MRAP? Because that's what I'm going to do. So it came to pass. And yeah. So me, and the weirdest thing, so we're driving through the countryside of Iraq. And here, I know nothing about the armed forces. I, all I know about the army is the commercials. I know that it's an adventure. That's what I know. It is an adventure. Here's what I did not know. That it was a job, a job job. Like you get up in the morning and you shovel something and you shoot something and you file something just like everyone else's job, right? And this is how I found out. We're driving in the middle of Iraq. We're lost. We're lost by the way. And if you've ever worked in a restaurant, you know when you work at a restaurant and someone throws up in the bathroom and the manager comes out and everyone freezes and the manager picks someone and everyone else goes, all right, they didn't pick me. And the person he picked grabs a mop and goes, ****. And then goes and cleans up the bathroom. Okay. So we are driving through Iraq and we are lost, lost. And the sergeant is on the headphones and I know it's a job first of all, cause he's yelling at the navigator guy. He's like, cause in the car, in the MRAP, there's a driver. There's a navigator guy. There's a kid sticking out of the blow hole, right? With the, and then there's another kid with a giant rifle next to me, right? And then so, and then there's two comics, two comics sitting in an MRAP. So very useful, very, very useful. And so the sergeant's like, how come we're lost? And they're making really hilarious jokes about, no, there's no IEDs around here. And I'm like, and so, and he goes, at one point, we're going to go over this dirt bridge and he goes, someone has to get out. Someone has to get out and direct us over this dirt bridge. We're going to tip over. And there's the freezing. Everyone freezes. And then he goes, Munoz, you got to get out. He's the navigator guy. He's the only guy who can get out. I'm not getting out. And, but he's the guy and the Munoz guy goes, ****. That's where the bad guys are. And he grabs his rifle and he gets out and he directs us. And that's like, oh, it's a job. And that's when I knew it was a job, job. Here's the thing. It reminded me of my last job, which was at Kinko's. And think about this. That's exactly what Iraq is like. It's like Kinko's. Think about the last time you were to Kinko's. That's what Iraq is like. It's quiet. It's tense. And everyone is standing around thinking to themselves, am I going to kill someone? Or is someone going to kill me? Cause it could happen from either side at a Kinko's is what I'm saying. I don't know if you've tried to get a copy recently. It is not a positive experience. So we're driving along and we go to all these forward operating bases. We're in the middle of nowhere. And, and the thing is, is I live in Los Angeles and all my friends in LA are like, oh my God, you're going to be surrounded by hot 19 year old guys. Have you ever been surrounded by 19 year old guys? It's a lot like being buried underneath a litter of golden retriever puppies. It is adorable, but exhausting. This is not a cougar. This is not a milf. This is lady who makes a hell of a pot roast. If you miss your mom, I'll hug you. How about that? What am I going to do? Lure them into the Jeep with a bag of Snickers bars and finish raising them. But they're psyched. That was the greatest shows in the world. Cause they're psyched to see you. They're just, they're bored. And so we, I get there and they're like, you don't even have to be funny. They're like, thank God you've come. I have been talking to this guy for like 14 months. Any story that is not about his wife is a win. So we finally like, we're at the last base that we've been driving all day long. Six hours, seven hours in this thing. We get to the last base, it's dark. And I get out of the truck and a young corporal comes up to me. He goes, ma'am, would you like to see where you're billeting? And I was like, yeah, is that sleeping? Yeah, I would love that. That would be awesome. And he takes me into the closest tent and all that's in this tent are sandbags and those weird wooden horses you stack things on. And he goes, ma'am, will this be all right? And I was like, yeah, yeah. Do you have like a blanket or something? And he goes, ma'am, I'm kidding. I'm like, oh, you little ----. Bored, bored, bored. I got so heavy, I killed a chair with my ass. I killed a chair. I murdered it. It died. I killed it. It turns out chairs have a maximum weight. I didn't know that. It's in the manual. It's in this... Chairs come with small print, it turns out. You think something relatively simple like a chair would not have a sort of trap element. Also, I don't read the manual when I buy a chair. Not to sound arrogant, but when it comes to sitting in chairs, I do rather feel like I've been to the university of life. And I was wrong. It was hubris because there is a little warning in there that says beware. If you weigh a hundred kilograms or more, and I weigh a lot more than that. Dense boy. If you weigh a hundred kilograms or more, be aware. The Ikea herkle-derkle chair, whatever it is, is not equipped for someone of your sheer density. And you're taking your life into your own hands. And that's why it died. It died. I was on quite an important Zoom call, to be honest, actually. And while I was on this Zoom call, the chair was in the elevated position, right? Like that, with a little paddle there. And it died under me. It died under me like an elderly lover. And because the shaft of the chair is full of air, right? That's what elevates the chair. And you pull the paddle and it goes, and you can adjust it. It meant that the air all escaped at once because it collapsed. And that meant that there was like an actual death gasp. Oh, as I like, as my head fell out of sight. And everyone on the Zoom call was like, you shut your laptop? My chair was dead and I had to get a new chair. And this was in lockdown. So I had to just get a chair for big fuckers. But I don't know where to get that from in even normal times. So I was just like, well, it's going to have to be Amazon, you know? But what do you search to find a chair for big fuckers? You have to type in the keywords to Amazon. You go on Amazon, you go, heavy, chair, KFC. Regret. Search. And this chair comes up and I bought it. It's this thing. Oh, I bought it. This thing, first of all, there's not an Allen key to be found. All drill. This thing's got ******* rivets. It's the sturdiest thing I own. It's like a tank. It's like all metal parts. It's astonishing. Two opera singers could **** on this chair. Nothing would happen. Just like, wouldn't even move. It's incredible. I think it's the most valuable thing I own now. Giant metal chair.