Having A Budget Is Destroying My Marriage

[Music] brought to you by the Every Dollar app. Start budgeting for free today. Well, I have a question about how to move forward after financial infidelity. Um, I found out in the fall about $100,000 of debt that I didn't know about. Um, and we have paid it off. Um, we're in baby step three. We're about halfway through baby step three right now about used to purchase. Um, it was credit cards that I didn't know about and also tax debt. Um, what was the credit card? What was purchased on the credit cards? Um, my husband was laid off and was using a credit card um for a time span that I did not know about. Okay. So, he was handling 100% of the household money. Correct. And the way he covered the lack of income was he borrowed for the family on credit cards. Exactly. And you didn't know about it because you're not involved in the handling of the money. I was not at that time. Okay. Since I found out about that, we have combined finances. I insisted upon that. I insisted on counseling. I insisted on a budget and we use the Every Dollar Budgeting app, but he hates the budget. Um, he says sharing accounts and the budget are the worst decision he's ever made. He doesn't track expenses. He undermines the budget by going on solo trips and spending when and where he wants. Um, every question about the budget turns into a huge argument. The threat is leaving. Um, and the perception of others is incredibly important. So, even having a budget is embarrassing to him. Um, and I I don't know if we can get past this. I don't know how to get on the same page. I don't know how I don't I don't know what to do. Meet Every Dollar Budgeters Christy and Steve. They used to fight about money. I'm the spender. I'm definitely the saver. Now that they budget with every dollar, they're on the same page. Money is definitely one thing we do not ever fight about. Having the budget gave me the permission to spend. Knowing that the money is in each category, it just allowed us to work together better. Now that's what we call a win-win. Now we just have to pick paint colors. We can't help you with that. Every dollar, create your free account today. I don't I don't know what to do. How is therapy done? I'm sorry. Um, it hasn't gone well. He hates going to therapy because when you go to therapy, he feels like a failure because he's failing. Yeah. Cause you to feel like a failure. Yeah. When you're failing at your marriage and because you do whatever the flip you want to do, regardless of the implications of it, then that would be embarrassing in therapy. Yeah, that makes sense. That's logical. It's kind of like It's kind of like eating 17 donuts and then going and seeing your trainer, you know? I mean, it's like it doesn't go well, you know? H okay. Um man, well I you know this is not a financial problem, hun. It's a marriage problem. It's manifesting itself in it's manifesting itself in the finances. But um it's a I want to do what I want to do thing. And I don't want to be aligned with and be in agreement with anyone else. I don't want anyone else speaking into any of my decisions. I don't really want to be married is what he's actually saying. I'm afraid. Um I hope not. I hope I'm wrong. But that's kind of what the you know, Deloney taught me a saying when I'm hanging out with him, his PhD in counseling. He says behavior is a language. I say that all the time. Yeah. And that's that's what this is. That's what I'm seeing. It's regardless of what you're saying. It's what you do and what he's doing is screaming. Um, you know, I I don't really want to build a life together. I want to be able to do whatever I want to do when I want to do it. Like a four-year-old on the serial aisle throwing a fit because they want Froot Loops. And I agree that it's very immature what you're describing. Um cuz you can be mature and say, "Hey, part of putting the budget together is I want to have uh money to do X and that that's a fair argument, but instead just going instead just going, uh well, I don't really like this. It's the worst decision I've ever made because it's actually somebody holding me accountable now for my ridiculous behaviors." So, golly, that's so sad. I'm so sorry. Well, I you know, I think the answer is in your pastor's office and in your marriage counselor's office, uh that if the two of you can uh solve for building a future together rather than um trying to be roommates. Hey, Jennifer. Um do you know enough about his past to know if he comes from an entitlement? Very much so. I had a sense of that. I am no therapist. don't want to try to be one, but I'm just I got a hunch. I would talk to the therapist about this, get some real professional insight, a pastor as well, but I think it's Do you want Do you If this marriage could be fixed, would you do whatever it takes? Absolutely. Okay. I wouldn't have stayed with He's been lying since the beginning of our marriage. I had a hunch that How long you been married? Six years. Okay. Let Let me Let me finish this thought, Jennifer. Okay. I just wanted to get Yeah. Yeah. No, I I I had a hunch and I don't know why I had that hunch, but I had a hunch that he came from entitlement. And I think if it were me with guidance, I would draw a line in the sand and put him in a situation where he realizes um he's got to decide. I think he's threatened you before to leave and I think that's a spoiled brat play. It feels very entitled and I don't know that he doesn't need his bluff called and I think it's that serious. But I'd get some other insight on that. I'm not talking about a threat, but I mean a real boundary, a line in the sand. If you don't change, this is done. I don't think he's ever had any consequences in his life. I I'd talk to somebody about that. That's just his mommy's a helicopter, right? Um just they're perfect. He's perfect. Yeah, that's Yeah, that sounds right. The the latest argument the latest argument from this weekend was because I just realized that after week after months he still hasn't switched his direct deposit over so that it's going into our joint account. Well, I would have realized that the first week I think but yeah, you guys need the marriage counseling office that this gets saved. Kid, it's not here. I'm sorry. Sorry you're facing this. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your