John Hastings | Canadian discovers England's Unusual Scent | Comedy Now!

Comedy Now! Uncensored! Starring John Hastings! Please welcome, John Hastings! Thank you, thank you. Very sincere, uncoached applause here in Toronto, everybody. Thank you so much, guys. Thank you for staying late, for being part of my special tonight. Thank you so much, guys. Please give yourself a round of applause. Thank you. This has been a weird year for me, man. I started becoming a full professional touring comic. And not just in Canada. Like, I've been to Red Deer. I've seen it. And it's lovely for like five minutes. And then you're like, let's get out of here. That woman just ate an apple and she has no teeth. But I started touring internationally and it's very interesting as a Canadian to leave Canada because you learn stuff about how Canada is perceived. Like, we think of ourselves as the polite, nice nation. Which is quietly the rudest thing you could declare yourself ever. What are you? I'm polite. Thank you very much. That's just strange. And then I went to the UK and I realized that Canada is just... Oh, you're Canada. The beige country. You go with everything probably, just... You don't get any respect. I played England for two and a half months this year. Anyone here from England? I'm talking to you, home audience. Are you from England? I hope a British guy's watching and just, what? Is it because I'm wearing a monocle? Yes, it is. Yes. Yes, it is. Nigel. His name's Nigel. We've rehearsed. And I was in England for two and a half months. Now, if you are going to go to England, go for a week. It's lovely for a week. You have tea. You see Buckingham Palace. And you go, that's a palace. It's not very good. It's like a nice pink bunker. It looks like the headquarters for the gay military. So it's there. But here's what happens. As you slowly spend more and more time in the United Kingdom, you start to notice things. First of all, you go, is that urine? Out everywhere I go. And then things are just broken. And not like things are broken in Canada. Like, three dollars for the subway. It's like, the subway's not a subway today. Today, it's a plane. Why? Back here, I gotta go. It's just, they don't, they're just angry. Like, here's a joke that I said in England that they didn't understand. And let's see what you guys think of it. It's just a sad place. Like, someone asked me, how much snow do you get in Canada? And I said, imagine all the despair in England. But it's piled high and wet. That much snow. And they're just stupid. Like, here's what happened. My first day in London, I was very excited. I was in London, England. I couldn't believe it. And I was jet-lagged. So I was like, well, I'm jet-lagged. I'm gonna get drunk. Because I'm gonna feel bad tomorrow. Might as well get a story. So I hit the downtown London area. And I wanted to find the perfect pub for my British drinking experience. Not the kind of pubs we have here in Canada. You know the ones I mean? They have a rhinoceros on the wall. And they have taco specials. And you're like, where's the warm beer? No one here looks like a monster. What's going on? But I found the perfect place. It was a place called The Red Door. It was a 200-year-old pub. It was beautiful. It looked like the kind of place where Sherlock Holmes solved a mystery. And Oscar Wilde composed a poem. And that's a hard place to find. Because one of those people never existed. So it was The Red Door. It was 200 years old. The Red Door pub. Now don't let the name fool you. The door was blue. Here's what had happened. A hundred years previous, The Red Door had broken. And they replaced it with a blue door. I know that because they bronzed a plaque. And placed it next to the blue door. Explaining that whole thing. Do you know what's easier than bronzing a goddamn plaque? Painting a blue door red. I would have done it for free. I wish you guys had been there to back me up. We could have gotten something done. Instead I walked in. Ah! Your door! And they just stared at me. Sat down at the bar. Started talking to the bartender. And he goes, oh you have a funny accent. Where are you from? And I said, oh I'm from Canada. And he says, Canada? I'll get you a light beer. Now I was going to order a light beer. But that's my decision. My body, my rules. Right ladies? I don't know what that means. I read it on a poster. I sat down. And I started drinking. And all the while, I'm getting drunk. And the bartender's just like kind of needling at me. But not like that fun Canadian. Like, oh you're root for the Leafs? Well, yada da. Like just assholey. Just like, oh where's that beer? You should probably only have one beer. Because you're Canadian. Canadians don't know how to drink. This is England. England invented getting drunk. We taught the world how to drink. Ask your native peoples. They know. That wasn't me. That was the bartender. So ease it up. This is England. We're the world's best drinkers. You can't even hold a thimble of our beer in your little mouth. That's why we keep it warm. Because we want it to burn on the way down. Because we're badass. We're British. Yeah, and all the while his little green bean teeth are falling out of his head. And after about two hours of this monologue of venom just being shot at my face, I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt Canadian patriotism for the first time. I rose off my barstool. I pointed at him. I said, listen buddy! England may have invented getting drunk. But Canada perfected getting drunk. Because in my country, we probably invented ice hockey. And do you know how drunk you have to be to look out at a frozen pond and say, I could ******* run on that. Oh, Dad, you idiot! Not with shoes! Give me some knives! Time to my feet! It'll be great! That's what they'll call me! The Great One! And that's how Wayne Gretzky invented hockey guards, yeah. That's true. That is a true, true story. I read it in a book that I wrote. So I was in England. I was in London. And my agent there, very nice squirrel. He looked like Frodo Baggins but with a drinking problem, so I trusted him. One beer to rule them all. Why are you driving? So he calls me up and he says, John! I have a string of gigs for you in Wales. I should have said no. For those of you who've never been to Wales, allow me to paint this picture for you. Imagine Saskatchewan. But you just killed that one fun guy. And brutally, too. Like, you didn't die of a heart attack in front of you. You walked up with a hammer. Plunked him on the head and watched the light fade from his eyes. Then you turned to your friends and said, now what do we do? That's Wales. Performing in an area called the Valleys. But it's one valley. I said that. It's the Valleys, but it's one valley. And I said, well, then why is it called the Valleys? And then the train conductor said, oh, well, they have sex with sheep there. Well, that's not the answer to my question. That's another question, madam. So I arrive in a town called Pontypridd. So they said it. And they wanted to spit in your mouth just a little bit. Pontypridd. Glad to be here, Mayor. So I arrived in Pontypridd, Wales. I went up to my hotel. It was the worst hotel I've ever stayed at in my entire life. It looked like the house from Psycho, but not as family-oriented. It was awful. My bed wasn't made, and it still had heat coming off of it. There was still trash. You made that dirty. Don't awe me. I didn't say, there are two people ******* in the bed. That'll be edited out. It probably won't. I'm going to scare the crap out of someone. They're ******* in the bed. Whoa! Honey, that's a good idea. The ghost boy on the television show called me Nigel. Just gave me an idea. The room was disgusting, though. It was just like, there was trash in the garbage bin, the toilet. It wasn't dirty, but it wasn't clean. There was a stain on the carpet that tried to bite me. It was awful. The worst part about this hotel is that it had a sarcastic slogan. It's your holiday. As if they're trying to blame you. For how bad the hotel is. Pardon me, why is there a homeless man showering in my toilet? Well, it's your holiday. So when I arrived, checked in, I took my bags, I put them by my bed. I went into the bathroom. Because I had a poop on deck that could have ruined a birthday party. Here's what happens. You see, in Canada, we have for breakfast things available like bananas, yogurt, berries, oatmeal. In England, breakfast is a loaf of bread baked inside of a pig's head. And it's left in the sun for a day and an old woman comes up to you on the street and shoves it in your face. And when you're done crying, you're done eating. So when I arrived, I had a good 30 seconds before I was redecorating my room in a festive brown. So I leaped upon the toilet. I sit down when I do that. I'm old school. I know a lot of you posturontonians will be walking around Yorkdale later. You have to get to a party so you do it standing up like a horse. Not yet. Go. Hop! Not me. I'm old school. I sit down on the toity and wait for the decisive clang noise so I know I'm done. And I heard it. I realized I gotta get this away from me as fast as possible because I can feel the smell on my legs. You weren't there to... Every time I say that line, I can still smell it and feel it on my legs. So now, flushing the toilet in the United Kingdom is not as easy as just reaching over and hitting the lever. They move it around the room in the worst game of hide-and-seek I've ever discovered. Sometimes it's behind you. Sometimes it's a blue button on the wall. That's fun. You hit it, you'll bombs away, kick your legs up. It's great. Or sometimes it's a rope. And in this case, I had two ropes to choose from. One was a white rope and one was a red rope. And I figured, well, I've created something dangerous. I'm gonna go with the red rope. Something I learned later. In Wales, they've been having a series of rapes and murders in hotel rooms. So much so, they've had to install alarms, which will alert the front desk staff if anything is occurring. For those of you who haven't figured it out, the alarm is a red rope conveniently placed in the bathroom. And there was no marking like, rape alarm, don't touch. There wasn't a picture of a man with a beard lunging at a woman with an ex through it. There was nothing. This is a country that bronzed a plaque to explain that a blue door used to be red and they don't mark the rape alarms. So there I am, tugging on a rape alarm for what must have been four minutes. When suddenly I heard a loud knocking at my hotel room door. What is going on in there? Now, I'm facing a plumbing emergency. The toilet isn't flushing. And in those situations I tend to get a little curt. So I respond with, What the **** do you think is going on in here? I didn't have all the information at the time. He responds, Well sir, you should stop it. I didn't know what that meant at the time. And sometimes words just fall out of my head. So I said, Well I can't stop once I've started. I'm a man. I then stood up and the toilet flushed automatically. I walked to the hotel room door. I opened the door and there's the most frightened hotel employee I've ever seen in my entire life. He's looking up at me with eyes that are dewy. And he says, Sir, I don't know how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it. Did you just rape someone? And I don't know why, but I responded with, well, it's my holiday. It's a weird world we're living in everybody. Very strange time to be alive. Is it not a very negative world that a lot of us are living? People are becoming negative machines. We all have that negative friend. You know the guy I mean, the guy you call? It's a beautiful sunny day, middle of June. Hey buddy, how was your day? Today was awful! The sun, so bright! I was hanging out with my girlfriend, she's nothing but blowjobs and encouragement. It's hard to be around those people. It's very strange I said blowjob and then caught my dad in the corner of my eye. That was fantastic right there. Especially because he was kneeling down. That will not be edited out. That will be appearing at the Hastings Christmas Party every year until I'm dead. It's a negative world. How do we combat this negativity? How do we do it? How do we do it? You say, voice in my head. Well let me tell you. Information. Information will help you stay positive. Yeah, it will. It will. Here's a piece of information that will make you all feel great and tingly inside. Guys, in China, you can get breakfast at McDonald's any time of the day. See? You want to feel even better? Think about this. Right now, the world's economy resembles my personal bank account. Countries all over the world are on the precipice of an economic disaster. One of the ways they can avoid an economic black hole from taking over their entire country and robbing them blind of money and hope is they can sell a portion of their debt to China. And China will give them money. It's basically a loan. And if that country can't pay back that debt in time, China takes over their economy. Which means in a domino-like effect, China, one of the world's worst human rights violating dictatorships, could take over the entire planet without firing a bullet or putting a troop on the ground. And when that happens, ladies and gentlemen, we will get egg McMuffins any time we want. Mm-hmm. Guys, I, uh, so much for coming to the show. It'd be nice of you to do that. And yes, I'm talking in a whisper to freak you out. Because that's why, guys, you shouldn't bring a date to a comedy show. To be a good audience member, you can't talk in a loud voice. You can't turn to your lover and be like, oh, that was a good joke, right? They'll kick you out. You're getting the boot. So why come to a comedy show? That's how you're gonna have to communicate. Did you like that joke? Uh-huh. It's the worst way to talk ever. And everything sounds horrible and scary and frightening. Like, just a, hi, how are you? Oh, I'm fine. Thanks. Thanks for asking. Hi. How are you? Good. Do you want to come over to my house for nachos and watch a movie? I love nachos. And I love movies. Hey. My house, well, it's not really a house. It's more of a tent warehouse district. I'm gonna make nachos out of your dead skin. Everything sounds creepy when you whisper, right, guys? Right, guys? I, uh, I'm, uh, single. Good. I felt that feels nice right there. I'm single. That was my dad again. What happened, daddy? Get that surgery we've been talking about? Why did I say surgery? I'm single. It's weird being single, because you go on dates and you have to ask your friends for advice. Like, you go to them and be like, how do you just talk to a girl? And they're like, oh, man, you just gotta be confident. Go up there. Don't take no for an answer. Isn't that what a rapist does? Yeah, but you're Canadian, so you'll be polite. What? So strange. So strange. Guys are afraid of so much stuff. We're afraid of so many things. We're afraid of coming off as creepy. We are. We are. Why are we afraid of us coming off creepy? We're not creepy. We're just bags of meat wandering around looking for beer and naps. That's what we do. That's all we want. We're not creepy people. And I figured out why guys think that way. It's because girls wander around this planet. You do. You do. Pointing at anything and declaring it creepy. Look at that guy. He's got a beard. It's creepy. Look at that guy. Completely clean-shaven face. Just as creepy. That guy's not wearing a shirt. Creepy. That guy's not wearing a suit. Creepy. And our brain's out. I don't know what to do. And I can't figure out why girls would do that. Scare us about being creepy. Until I realized, wait a minute. Girls are creepy. That's your camp. You are. You're frightening. No man pretends to be friends with another man, but hates him. Here's what we do. We walk up. Hey, man. Hey. What's up? Nothing. I'm gonna go stand over there. Yeah, me too. And we say, **** you, behind our breath. And get drunk. That's just what we do because girls are frightening and creepy. You cover yourself in liquid hot wax. Boiling hot candle wax. You cover it around your groin and rip the hair out by the root. As if a razor hasn't been invented for 5,000 years. And we like the stubble. It's nice. It's like we're making love to a detective from the 1930s. Where'd it go? I don't know. Solve the mystery. Creepiest things girls do. It's ******* freaking me out. I can just hear my dad laughing. That was a good one. That was a good one. Jesus. You've got one job to do, Haston. Sit in the back. No, I'm going up front. I'm gonna make the creepy joke just a little bit creepier. Creepiest thing women do. Creepiest thing is you ask us about our thoughts. What are you doing? You think that's gonna make a relationship more intimate? No, it's gonna frighten you forever. Because our thoughts aren't violent or sexual. They're stupid. And you don't ask us in an emergency. It's not like the house is on fire. We're in a huddled position covered in soot. What are you thinking? I'm thinking we should get out of here. Me too. Love you. Love you. It's never that. It's like you're just about to fall asleep. The windows open a little, letting the breeze in. The moonlight is bathing the room. It's beautiful. And that's when your lover decides to roll over. Just gaze at you with her hazelnut eyes. No girl I've ever seen looks like me, but just imagine. The girl's over. Hey, Putin. What are you thinking? Well, I was just thinking, why do people discuss the topic? If someone said, give me a blowjob, I'll give you a million dollars, why do they discuss that? I would just say, show me the cash, drop your pants. It'd be awesome. Matt, you have so much props at the country club. You walk in, what did you do? Invest in a hedge fund? I sucked a dick. Whoa. You're that guy? Yeah. That's me. And then later I was thinking, hey, why is it called peanut butter and jam when jam and peanut butter is so much more enticing? Let me explain it for you further. Let's work through it together. Alright, you want a peanut butter and jam sandwich? No, I'm fine. How about this, buddy? I get two pieces of bread, toast them, then I cover all the pieces of toast in a thin sweet layer of delicious preserved jam. Little bits of strawberry. Not too big. Then, I reach into the cover and I take out dangerous illicit peanut butter. Slather it on there. You know peanut butter. A spread so dangerous, it's actually killed children. And we ate those sandwiches as one. And then I was thinking, today at lunch I should have been more of a man because I was sitting next to a guy and he was eating a sandwich and he ate the same and took a bite and he went, call that a sandwich? And it took all that I am, my love, not to get up and say, listen up, buddy! Did it go bread? Something bread? Then it's a sandwich! So I'm lying in bed with my girlfriend and I let that monologue fly. She wouldn't stop punching me in the face until she saw daylight. And she would go to a doctor and have herself sewn shut. Effectively ending the human race as that information spreads from woman to woman to woman to woman to woman. No, no. We are not procreating. I know what you're thinking about. That peanut butter thing is gross. Put it away. Eventually the human race would end. And the fact that women want that to come about is creepy. I travel all the time. I've had some weird experiences. I started traveling to the U.S. recently and it's very bizarre because as Canadians we're defined by our love of hockey and our hatred for America. And it's so strange because at the time I was just like, that's crazy. They're not like warmongering scary people. I fought that until I drove from Canada into America. Very interesting experience. Come on the journey with me. I'm in a car driving towards the Canadian border. The Canadian border is lovely. It's this beautiful red brick house. There's a little plume of smoke coming up from the chimney. Everyone's smiling. There's wooden busts of moose and beaver and geese. There's just pictures of Justin Bieber everywhere. It's like, oh, this is nice. People are clinking Tim Hortons cups together and having a nice sip and bumping into one another and then arguing over who should apologize. I should say I'm sorry. No, I should say I'm sorry. Sing the hockey song and feel better? You got it, pal. It was a lovely place. I wanted to move there. And I drove through the border and I went over a bridge and as I was crossing over the bridge I heard that metallic rumble strip noise and it started to rain. Well, that's not a good sign. I'm not a believer in the teachings of Christ, but that right there is a uh-oh. So I drive and I turn a corner. First thing I notice is that there's people standing on the highway. People is a strong word. They look like muscles that had come to life and were given teeth and eyes. They're walking around barking at one another and then biting each other in the neck to give each other energy. I'm tired, bro. Give me some. These are the U.S. Border Guards. Walking around your car barking at you. Just, you got any drugs? You got any drugs, friend? What? How did you get in my car, brother? So now I'm driving towards the border. The border is not a beautiful house with animals like I was expecting. Like just an eagle to be floating around like a palatial estate that fell in a white suit. Come on in, son. Kettle's on. It's not what it was. It looked like a factory that made despair and disparaging comments about things that I love. Just like waiting for people to walk. You like Star Wars? Looked like a prison from the future. So I'm driving towards this place and I get into the line and I'm moving forward. Now, I get very nervous when I'm talking to border guards because border guards have guns and I don't have any guns. And you can't win an argument with a man who has a gun and you don't have a gun because if he disagrees, he'll just shoot you in the face. Dead men tell no tales. My dad taught me that. He's going to remind me of it after the show. I don't know what that means. So I drive up and I'm there to get my visa validated. That's the line I was told to say. I was told to say, I'm here to get my visa validated. Visa validated. I'm here to get my visa validated. Validated, validated. Visa validated. Now I pull up. It's raining. I put my visa and my passport in my hand and the window opens and the border guard is wearing sunglasses and it's raining. And I thought out loud, can this guy shoot lasers out of his eyes? Which as it turns out, warning sign right there. Takes my passport. He does some stuff with it. I don't know. He put it in a lock box. And a man with the biggest gun I've ever seen in my... It was that big. Right there. Just straddling his shoulder. Marches me into the building. I get in line. It's this DMV-ish looking place. It's frightening and it has like that weird like clean but too clean smell. Like just like, the soap is burning my eyes. And I'm in line. It's a short line and I was like, oh great, short line. That was a stupid thing to think. Guy in front of me. Nice Canadian fellow who's wearing a plaid shirt and shoes on. Because if you don't wear shoes, that's just a bad idea to try and impress a country. It's like, I don't have shoes. Can I come work here? He's there and he's arguing with the border guard. And not a polite, allow me to disagree with you, sir. This is what I walked into. Well, I don't give a ---- what your badge says. I'm going to America. Couldn't even say America. Border guard had a nice retort. He said, sir, I would let you into the country but you've presented me with no identification. No passport. All you've done is shown me a green card with the name whited out. That is tampering with federal documents. You have ten seconds to leave this building and drive back to Canada where you are spending three months in federal penitentiary. My Canadian friend disagreed with the border guard's point. I wanted to continue the argument in a dynamic fashion. So what did he do? He gestured forward and he pointed at the border guard but not in a like, hey. Aggressive. Poked the border guard in the nose. Froze and held it there so long I thought, is this guy waiting for the honking noise? At which point, six border guards jumped on this guy. They handcuffed him. They put rope around his feet. Hog tied him and dragged him into a broom closet. At which point, over the loud speaker I heard, next to the window John Hastings. Walk up to the window border guard greets me and says you look nervous. Yeah? I just saw you guys disappear a man. How do you want me to walk up? Just, oh. Happens all the time at my house. So can I come to America? I got knives. You look great in that uniform. He let me in though. As much as I've talked about how humanity is on the verge of economic despair how the pillars of fire are going to burst through that very window and consume us all, I am happy to be alive right now. Right now. Because right now is the greatest time to be alive ever, ever, ever. In all of human history. It is. It is. Because right now, we have text messaging. It's true guys. It's true. That's the greatest way to communicate since talking itself. I know some of you are saying I don't believe you buddy. I don't believe you. Some of you talk like Rock Hudson. I don't believe you. That's a reference from the 1960s that wasn't funny then. What am I doing? Here's why text messaging is the greatest way to communicate since talking itself. Because text messaging reveals secrets about your friends free of charge. Were you with Rogers or Bell? What a great company. That's built into your package. Here's a story to prove my point. Recently a friend of mine came over to my house and he helped me move a couch. And we moved the couch and he moved it and then he left. And I wanted to thank him but he left before I could thank him. What do you do? Do you run down the street screaming thanks? No. That's crazy. Go over to your cell phone type out a T-Bomb. That's what the kids are calling it now. I'm hip and urban. What's up? So I type out my T-Bomb. I type it out real nice. I type out thanks! Exclamation point. Perfect. Now I have a very futuristic phone. Some of you might not have even heard of this technology yet. But I actually have a little man who's been shrunken down. And he lives inside my phone. And his job is to read my text messages and decide what words would be better than the words I've already chosen. And what does he do? He changes those words without ever letting me know. So I have thanks! Ready to go. I'm excited to send it. So I turn my head in anticipation of sending it. I'm sending it to no one but I just get excited because it's magical. And that's when the little man strikes. He opens a little door on the screen and he climbs up a little ladder. He changes a few key words transforming thanks! Exclamation point into blacks! Exclamation point. I don't notice. I hit send. Four minutes later my friend kicks my front door open, jumps into my living room in a karate stance and says, I got your message! Are you okay? Where are they? And I learned that day my friend was racist. Thank you text messaging! How would I be without you? I know that last joke was a little confusing. I am not racist. I know some of you are confused by that because I look like a racist. I got blonde eyebrows that they had to color in with a paint brush just to appear on camera. White, sheety I look like Hitler's wet dream. Hey everybody. How are you? I'm a KKK uniform. Come to life with jokes. How are you? It's bizarre. Every time I just like I say the word racist and they're like, wait for it. He's going to say, but Croatians wait for it. But I want to bring racial unity guys. That's going to be my goal because as someone who looks like a racist I have to break that stereotype. Gotta break that stereotype. What's the stereotype of white people? That we're evil. This is how evil we are. None of you knew. That was our stereotype. We distracted you with all the other ones and then did some evil ----. Don't believe me? Read a little book called History. I want to hit close to home for all the white people in the crowd. I don't want my shoes. But I brought racial unity guys. I brought people closer together. I did. It was in San Francisco. That's what cool people call San Francisco. You can use it. No big deal. It was in San Francisco and I was traveling on the train and I had to pee. And not one of those fun like oh, better find a place to stop and take a tinkle. This will be a delight. See a different urinal in the U.S.? Oh, what a treat. No, no, no. This was a you have 30 seconds before you make moisture in your pants and become that guy forever. What guy do you mean? The guy who peed himself on the subway car. If you guys have ever seen that before, you are picturing him right now in your head. Oh, that guy. Blonde hair. It was you. All along. So I jumped off the train in an area called Oakland. Now, I'd never been to Oakland before, but I was told one fact about Oakland by a police officer. I didn't say this. It was the police officer. It was in the airport. I had bags. He walked up to me and said, where are you going, son? And I said, uh, San Francisco. And he was like, good. Stay out of Oakland. Oakland's where San Francisco keeps its black people. And he said that to me because I looked like a ******* racist. And he thought I would high-five him and go, good point, buddy. See you at the meetings. And then I went, huh? No. But as I jumped off the car, I felt a surge. I was going to merge San Francisco and Oakland together. Bringing them closer together. I was running down the street because I had to pee and not like a like a, ah! Running, screaming. I bumped into an old black man. He said, white boy! Why are you running? I have to pee! Finally, you motherfuckers come up with a reason. I don't know what that means, but we hugged. Racial unity, everybody. Racial unity. Well, last joke, everyone. I want to leave on a positive message. We've delved pretty dark. We've gone to some weird places, and you guys have stuck with me for the entire show, and I really appreciate that. It's gone to some weird, dark places because that's kind of what I am. I'm kind of a weird, strange, kooky guy who's like, great, peanut butter. Like, that's what I do. And I do it because I'm a comedian, and comedy is the job that I got into five years because I love it. I do it because I love it. I don't do it for pay. I would like to one day. But I don't do it for pay, and I do it because I love it. And that's a job you should have. If you're doing something you don't love, stop doing it. It will erode your soul. It will make you want to die. And I speak from someone with experience. I know some of you right now are exhausted because you spend every morning this week staring at your hot cup of coffee every morning thinking, you know, if I pour this on my crotch, I could go home right now. And I appreciate that you didn't and you worked hard and you came to the show to support capitalism, which in turn feeds me. And I appreciate that you came. And I can speak about your experience because I had one of the worst jobs ever. I was a telemarketer for two and a half years. Yeah, thank you. See what that just did? I told you what I did, and you're like, what the ****? There's enough of it. We could kill him. We could kill him and wear his head. Interrupt my dinner, will you? It's such a strange job. I'll remember the day I left that world and entered this world of dick jokes and fart humorisms. It was a Monday. It was 9.02. I was standing in my cubicle looking for something to kill myself with. And as I was stroking the stapler menacingly and looking at the escape key on my keyboard thinking, you know, if I choke on that key, that will be an ironic death. The first call of the day rang through my headset and I went right into the pitch. Hi, it's John Hastings calling from the Merchants Association. How are you doing this morning? Can I offer you something? The guy just stopped me right there and said, John, I don't want what you're selling and how about you go **** your mother? Now what this guy didn't know is that I love my mother and I am from the streets in that the ranch-style bungalow I was raised in is on a street lined with maple trees. So I know how to roll when a beotch breathes on my grill. I just tossed up some gang signs and gave this guy a little, listen up, you son of a bitch. I have a gun and your address and I'm coming to kill you. It was at that moment my supervisor happened to walk right by. He said, John, could I see you in my office for a moment? I went into his office. He sat down. I sat down. He said, so John, I was monitoring that last call. Ooh. What do you think you did wrong? I looked at him and I answered honestly. I said, boss, I don't think I should have told him I was coming. You guys have been fantastic. Thank you very, very much. Ladies and gentlemen, John Hastings.