Taylor Clark - Dad's Hero - FULL COMEDY SPECIAL 2025

Maybe I should get back into comedy, right? So I go to tell my wife. Hold on. It's important you guys remember where I am in my life when this moment occurred. I was living at my parents house in a one-bedroom cottage with my wife and son. So I go to my wife. I go, look babe, I know the real estate company collapsed. We're living in my parents house right now. But I think what I really need to focus on are open mics. I think I need to get back out there. Start scrapping away at these mics, baby. And then my wife basically like rolled up a newspaper and like hit me on the nose like, no! That's not what you need to do. We need to ******* go sell a house, goddammit. ------- living in your parents house. We got to get out of here. I ******* hate it. She was right. You know what I mean? Eventually my dad even had to take me on a walk. I'll never forget this. He took me on a walk. We're walking around and I just got in this fight with my wife telling her that I wanted to do comedy again. And he's like, look Taylor, you're living at my house right now. You know what I mean? Like, I get what it's like to pursue your dreams. Like, I'm a white bass player. I get it, you know. Against all odds, right? But I've been a professional musician since I was in my 20s. You're in your 30s and you live at my house, and I honestly don't even think you're that funny. So maybe you need to just, like, focus on business. Like, you're good at business. Like, you support your family. Like, that's what you should be doing. You should do that. And I remember him saying that and I remember thinking even as he was telling me that I had no choice. Like, I had to keep pursuing comedy because at that point, I wasn't gonna ever show my son that you're allowed to give up on yourself. So I wanted to show him an example of what it's like. I wanted to show him an example of what it's like to pursue your dreams, even though guaranteed they won't work out. So that's what I started doing. I started just trying to remove hurdles. From that point forward, I quit drinking. I quit smoking. I haven't had a drink in several years at this point. I recorded my own album. I released the album. I put the album out with my skateboard jokes. The skateboard jokes went viral. ------- Tony Hawk started following me. I got an interview in the Bible. I got an interview in the Bible, otherwise known as Thrasher Magazine. I got interviewed in Locard Magazine. I get flown out to Tampa every year to do comedy in front of one of the biggest skateboard contests in the world. I now travel the country doing comedy in skate shops all over the country. All of these t-shirts down here are skate shops that I performed in front of. And I appreciate all that. I appreciate all that. I'm not, I don't mean for you guys to clap after anything I say. What I mean when I say, what I, what I mean, all I mean when I'm telling you guys all this stuff, all I mean is, Fuck you, Dad! You know, like, it's just like, it's just like, you don't know me! You know, like, like, I can do whatever I want! So I told him that one time and, uh, in not so many words, it was more just like, hey Dad, I remember when you took me on that walk and you said, you know, I shouldn't do this. I'm kind of having a lot of success right now, you know? And he was like, oh, son, nobody knows you better than I do. And I knew that if you ever had a shot at accomplishing any of this stuff, exactly what you needed to hear from me was to stop. And then I was like, **** you, Dad! One more time for my dad, everybody. I'm so glad to be able to join you all here tonight and relieved that this baby has given us just enough time to actually make this special happen today. So, yes, round of applause for the baby. Thank you. I am up here to introduce my husband, who tends to make me do the heavy lifting, even when I'm nine months pregnant. So, without further ado, please give a very warm welcome to the one and only Taylor Clark. Wow, Karina Martins, huh? Come on, I didn't hear it. How am I gonna follow that? Yes! One more time for the Coffee Stars. How ******* awesome is that? Thank you guys so much. That is my father, James Clark, on bass. Let him hear it. That's right. My dad plays bass. I wanted to start my special the same way I used to start every conversation in first grade. My dad plays bass. What the **** does your dad do, huh? My wife is pregnant right now. We're about to have this next baby. Thanks. Anybody else in here have kids? All right. It's that kind of energy that keeps the rest of the people from ever wanting to have kids. Did you guys hear that sad ******* one of us energy? That culty *******... It's always like, who has a kid? One of us. People hate kids. Who here just hates kids? Isn't that crazy that you can still ask who hates a group of people and get applause this day and age? People ******* hate kids. I've noticed that people with no medical knowledge whatsoever know everything about pregnancy and childbirth and will tell me without me asking them all the time. And it's always someone who smells like incense and crystals. You know what I mean? They're going to come up to my wife and be like, oh, did you have sex during a full moon? That's going to be a girl with asthma. And you're like, what the ****? How do you know that? But then I go to the doctors and doctors don't know anything about pregnant women or women for that matter. It's crazy. I can't believe it. We go to the doctor and my wife's like, yeah, my areolas grew three sizes. I'm having ******* nightmares every night. And the doctors always say, yeah, that's not common, but normal. The **** does that mean? Not common, but normal. You might as well just be like, yeah, I don't know. That sounds crazy. Shut the **** up. Get out. You know, like... not common, but normal. And then my wife will just start trying to like, like see if she can trick them or whatever. Be like, yeah, I'm also peeing solids. Doctor's like, yeah, that's not common, but normal. Uh, that's gonna happen. You're gonna pee some play-doh. I mean, that's how it works. The female body is a mystery. I mean, I'm getting older. Um, you know, I'm getting older. It's tough. My hair's falling out. I'll show you. All right. Despite what you guys think, that's not a confidence booster. Because I know that's not how anyone feels in real life. I almost never take my hat off. The only reason I'm even taking it off at my special is because I want the world to see what it's done to me. Okay? This is what happens. -------... I'm so sick. I'm so sick of everyone being like, do you, do yourself, be yourself. And then you take your hat off and they're like, never mind. I didn't know you was that. Don't do that. Okay? I want to watch a comedy special. I don't want to look at a decaying accountant for the next hour. Okay? Put your hat back on. And that's the only reason I'm not, I don't wear a hat because I'm insecure. I wear a hat because I don't want to ruin the show. Do you understand? And it's not, it's not just like women that hate bald people and they do. Right? Because if you're short and bald and you're on tinder, you're like five swipes away from just being bred out of existence. Like that's what's happening. Talk to anybody. I don't care how woke the woman is. They're like, yeah, I accept all people. And you're like, what about short and bald? They're like, what am I, stupid? No, I don't. No, they gotta be tall and handsome. You know, that's every woman. It's not just women too. Also children feel this way. I'll be hanging out with my son and his friends or whatever and he'll be like, hey dad, will you put your hat back on? You're kind of freaking everybody out. And then randomly he'll just find me out of nowhere. He'll be like, oh dad, put your hat on. I'm like, I'm in the shower. If there's ever a place I can be myself, it's here. And honestly, what are you doing in here? This is inappropriate. Get the **** out. Getting older, man. My hair's falling out. My ankle is broken. I dislocated my shoulder. It pops out all the time. I lost a bunch of teeth recently. I'm wearing a denture right now. What is happening to my body? I always wanted to beat my dad at something. I didn't think it would be bodily decay. What if I did want to rub my dad's face in that and I was like, look at me now, dad. Yeah, you might beat me at basketball, but I'll beat you to the grave. God damn it. I hate it so much. I do. I keep my hat on because the hat, it's like a transformative piece of fabric, right? Because I go from like cool skater guy to pissed off basketball coach, like real fast, right? Because like with the hat on, you're like, hey man, pass the joint. Let's play a game of skate, right? But then I take it off and I'm like, you better hustle if you want to make it to regionals. God damn it. Even in my fantasy, we never make it to state. We only make it to regionals. That's what going bald does to your confidence. I am still just so excited to look out into a crowd and see everyone's chins again. Turns out I'm a chin guy. I didn't know that about myself until you took them away from me for like two years. Everyone was wearing masks all the time and then all of a sudden chins turned into the new side boob. Do you guys remember that? You'd be at the grocery store, someone's chin would pop out and you'd be like, are we allowed to see that part again? I am into this. Oh ****. Is that a lip slip? Let's go. Let's go. I went way too hard on vaccines. I learned a really hard lesson with Trump and COVID and all that ----. Everyone says, oh, I keep it a hundred. You hear everyone say that all the time. I keep it 80 max. That is as far as I go on anything because if you go to a hundred people die, you know what I mean? Like I did that with vaccines. I was like, you gotta get them. Everybody's gotta get them. Went way too hard in the paint on it. All my friends who didn't want to get vaccinated. I didn't know what to say. I almost told them it made my dick bigger. That's what I was. I thought it would work. They don't want to get vaccinated. Be like, hey, well it made my dick bigger, you know. But then what would happen is they'd all be like 45 Moderna's in at this point. Right? They'd be coming up to me every week. I'm like, when's it gonna kick in Taylor? When is this gonna kick in? And I'd have to be like, oh, you took the wrong one. It was Johnson and Johnson. Stupid. So obvious. It's right there on the label. Yeah, but then they would have all died you guys. That's what would have happened. I go a hundred, you kill all your friends. That's what happens. I go ******* 80 max is as far as I go. But it's hard, you know, because everyone wants to give you advice. Doctors don't know anything. ------- the rest of the world doesn't know anything. So you're left on your own trying to be a good parent. I'm trying my best all the time to be a good dad. Like anything my son asks me, I never lie to him. I always tell them the truth and I always try to come through no matter what. But nothing fucks your kid up more than trying not to **** them up. Because my son was like, dad, I want to be, I want you to make my Halloween costume for me. And I was like, hell yeah. I can do that for sure. Right? Like what do you want to be for Halloween? And he was like, dad, this year I want to be a Kegel. Look, son, are you watching your mom's Pilates videos on YouTube when she's not around? Do you guys know what a Kegel is? Yeah, well, it's not a, well, it's not a children's ******* Halloween costume. A Kegel's an exercise, okay? It's like my son said he wanted to be a push-up for Halloween. Or a crunch. We didn't say push-up or crunch. He said Kegel and that is a specific exercise. If you don't know what a Kegel is, it's an exercise designed to increase the strength of your pelvic floor. Yeah, I thought my, right, exactly. Yeah. I thought my son wanted to be a tight pussy for Halloween, you guys. What else am I supposed to think? A Kegel. And if you guys, if you guys don't know how to do a Kegel, just pretend you're putting a straw up your asshole and drinking soup. Now, if you're not laughing right now, that's because you just tried to do that, okay? Yeah, that's right. You felt your chair shake? That was your husband learning to Kegel is what that was. So anyways, I look at my son and I'm like, look, son, you want to be a Kegel for Halloween? Like, I'm flattered that you want to dress up like one of your dad's heroes. What's that? What's that kid? That is the best joke I ever wrote. Thanks. Anyways, yeah, I always think it's gonna get bigger pop and it never really does even at my special. I'm like, this will, no, but it doesn't. And so, anyways, listen, kid, do you even know what a Kegel is? He's seven, right? He's like, yeah, dad, Kegel, cat, eagle. And I was like, oh, cat, eagle. Of course, that's what you think a Kegel is. I'm glad I asked him before I explained, you know, because I almost told this kid to go put a straw up his asshole and drink some soup, right? So, he would have done it. He's a great listener. So, anyways, I'm just so relieved I don't have to dress him up like a vagina muscle exercise for Halloween. I was like, oh, for sure. I'll make you into a cat, eagle, no problem. I don't have to go to Joanne's Fabric and ask these ladies how to ******* make pubes. This is great. I'll dress you up cat, eagle, no problem. How complicated could that be? I just said, yes. I was like, yes, cat, eagle. You got it, son. I didn't think it through at all. I forgot that he's a visionary, right? I was like, whiskers, wings, cat, eagle. He's like, nah, dad, down the middle. Cat on the left, eagle on the right. 50-50, cat, eagle, fat dad, Kegel, Kegel. I want to be a Kegel, dad. And every time he would say Kegel, he would kind of do one. It was kind of unsettling. He'd be like, I want to be a Kegel, dad. Dress me up like a Kegel. I want to be a ******* Kegel for Halloween. I'd be like, all right, all right, all right, all right. Just stop Kegeling me out of the room, okay? I'll dress you up like whatever you want. Just don't Kegel your father into the kitchen ever again, and I'll do it. I get to work on this costume. I get a bunch of feathers. I get a bunch of carpet. I'm sewing this thing together. I'm working on this thing for days, hours, nights, and nothing is good enough for my son. He is marching around giving me notes the entire time, like he's a Parisian fashion designer on a deadline, you know? He's like, no, no, no, no. It's got to have a bigger beak. What are you, crazy? I want to look like a Kegel, not the boiled chicken. I'm like, whatever you say, son. You got it, boy. I'll ******* make you the best Kegel anybody's ever seen. And I work on this costume for weeks. I pass out from glue fumes three times, all right? My hands are calloused, okay? And then on Halloween, he comes in, and he's like, you know what, Dad? I want to be Harry Potter. Yeah, I'm not really into Kegels anymore. I'm more of a boy wizard kind of guy, and I feel like that's what I want to do. And I worked so hard on this costume. It wasn't even about him at this point. It's about me. I was like, oh, you're going to be the prettiest ******* Kegel anybody's ever seen. Now get into that costume and get out there and trick or treat. And he loves his Kegel costume. He is wearing it, rocking it, doing Kegels all over the neighborhood, right? Just loving life. I think everyone in my neighborhood is going to be like, wow, you're such a good dad. You know, you made such an elaborate costume. Your kid is so happy. How do you do it? That's not what happens, because I forgot that the first question they're going to ask him at every single house he goes to, every single person that walks past him, yeah, what are you supposed to be? And it's not obvious. He looks ******* nuts, you guys. Half carpet, half feathers. Walking around, he looks like Roadkill Big Bird, you guys. Not one person was like, nice Kegel costume. That didn't happen. Not once. Let me guess, cat, eagle, Kegel, killer. Fuck yeah, kid. That didn't happen. And I can't hear the people asking him that question either, right? I'm standing at the end of the driveway just watching the parents' faces. I can see some 40-year-old frozen princess, you know, all dolled up, excited about Halloween, yep, a Kegel. That's right, I said I'm a Kegel. Yeah, a Kegel. All over the neighborhood, I'm a Kegel, I'm a Kegel, I'm a Kegel, I'm a Kegel. And I'm watching these parents' faces at the end of every driveway, just calculating. They're doing that, like, neighborly math, you know, where they're like, what's the right thing to do when a seven-year-old dressed as a vagina muscle exercise comes knocking at your door? I mean, do I give him a Kit Kat or do I call CPS? Like, what is the right thing to do? Anyways, we get him back in a couple of weeks. So we get him back, I mean, a couple of weeks. No, you guys, he didn't get taken away from us. He just got taken out of every playgroup he's ever been invited to. All the dads are like, don't invite that Kegel kid over to play basketball, okay? But the rest of it is true, except my wife made the costume, but the rest of it. And honestly, guys, honestly, guys, if you guys still don't believe me, well then, check that ---- out. That's the costume in all of its glory. It's tough trying to raise a kid right now, you know? It's like, I don't know. I always, I wanted to get my son into a really good school, and we eventually did get him into a private school. We're not rich. I just got a scholarship for underprivileged kids with big dick dads, and just want to take advantage of the opportunity my diversity allows, you know? So, but I honestly, I was trying to find a good school for my son, and I found out how you figure out which schools are good, and that is on Yelp. Yes, because there's not one school in this entire country with more than one star on Yelp, by the way. And that's not because these are bad schools. That's just because students are allowed to review their own schools. So most of the reviews are like, this school sucks. Hashtag boobs one star. Like, it's a lot of that, but then eventually you see a five-star review, and this is what lets you know what kind of school it is, because the five-star review, it's immediately obvious who wrote it, because it says something like, the teachers at this school are underappreciated, underpaid, and if it weren't for these teachers, these kids would have no hope for their futures. Thank God for teachers. Five stars. But this is when it gets good, because in the next review, it's like, that's Miss Jones. She's a bitch. One star. And the kids pile on after that, like, yeah, **** Miss Jones. One star. Hashtag boobs. And then the next one's like, she's not a teacher. That's an authoritarian with gout. One star. And you're like, damn. But that's how you know it's a good school, because you're like, that's good writing. Right? That's a good use of language, right? And then the next one's like, she smells like old litter and fresh divorce. You're like, oh my God. As a comic, I'm like, that's a good roast, you know? Mrs. Jones probably is a pretty good teacher, actually. And the thing is, is I agree with Mrs. Jones. Teachers are underpaid and underappreciated. It's 100% true. We already established earlier how many people hate kids. If you like kids and you're good at teaching them, you should make $230,000 a year. Seriously. Whatever it takes to get you to the building. $200,000. You want two Teslas to drive to school like water skis? Who gives a ----? Like, go. Get in there. I don't even care if you have problems. Oh, you smoke inside, you carry a gun. In a lot of states, that's a feature, not a bug. Get in there. But that's not what we get. Unfortunately, we don't treat teachers like that. So what we get are a lot of teachers who don't want to do it. We get a lot of teachers who are just willing to do it. Like, I didn't like teachers growing up. All my teachers were just guys that were like, why do you teach? And they'd be like, I don't know. I still suck at guitar. And I don't want to quit drinking. So I guess. And then I want to go to Burning Man every summer too. So I guess that just keep coming back till I get tenure and they get ******* get rid of me is I always like the substitute teachers because they always come in with the swagger of like a rogue cop. But they come in, they're like, yeah, I work outside the system now. We're going to get the job done, but we're going to get it done my way. Let's put on a movie. What do you guys say? Yeah, let's put on a movie. Get that AV card in here. Yeah, wheel it on in. Have you guys seen Pulp Fiction? This ----'s crazy. ------- enjoy. All right. You guys watch this movie. I'm going to try and crack this cold case on my missing career. But we need good teachers. My friend is an English teacher. She went to school to be an English teacher. And all she does is complain about the other teachers. She's like, I studied English. Now I teach English. But the science teacher has a flat earth neck tattoo. Why is he teaching that subject? The gym teacher's 400 pounds and blind. He can't legally drive a car, but he can ref the games. This seems weird. That's why we need good teachers so bad, because I can't teach my son anything. I think I'm having a teachable moment all the time, but then I just accidentally traumatize him with some ungodly truth he's not ready for. We'll be driving to his school, you know, and he'll be in the back seat and he'll be like, hey, dad, what's that building right there? And I'll be driving like, oh, son, that's a Catholic church. A little factoid. The Catholic church managed a slave trade for 300 years. What? What's that? What's that? Worst thing they've ever done. No, that's the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the Catholic church, boy. Yeah, yeah, that's just them warming up as far as dark ---- and history is concerned. What? No, no, no, son. Religion is just a tool created by the powerful to control the weak. What? What? What'd you say? What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Jesus is fake. Don't ******* be a sheep. You'll join a cult. Get out of here, you know? And then he gets out of the car, you know, the teacher's standing there like, why is he crying? I was like, I don't know. Sounds like a you problem, one star. Sorry, Mrs. Jones, you gotta roll. But then they hate me at that school because then I get kicked out of the parking lot for skating the curbs ******* 10 minutes after I send that kid in there. They're like, why are you still here? I was like, I don't know. I'd be here a lot longer if you wax these things. One star. ------- see you later. I am an adult skateboarder. Thanks. No, no, no. It's funny. I'm an adult skateboarder. That's what people call me now, which is an expression. I hate adult skateboarder. Adult skateboarder sounds pornographic. Okay. You guys, adult skateboarder. The only things I know with the word adult in front of it are like bookstores and magazine sections and TV shops. Adult skateboarder sounds like a hotline you would call if you're like a lonely skateboarder. You know what I mean? They'd come on the TV and be like, hey boys, call us. 1-800-adult-skateboarders. That's right. We want to see your pole jam all night long. For $19.99 a minute, you can call us and we'll call your mom and tell her everything's going to be okay. And we love to get fingered by dirty fingernail bits. That's our favorite thing. 1-800-adult-skateboarders. For $19.99 a minute, we will film your clips at the skate park. We love hanging out there all day by ourselves and having no one talk to us. 1-800-adult-skateboarders. It sucks. I recently broke my ankle skateboarding and people give me reverse sympathy. 38 years old, just broke my ankle, come in on crutches and people will be like, oh my god, what happened, Taylor? And I'll be like, skateboarding. And they're like, oh, go **** yourself. I almost felt bad for you. That's what you get, stupid. That's what you signed up for. How dare you come in here and tell me? Who else gets this reaction? I didn't hurt myself on purpose. It still hurts, you know what I mean? But no one else reacts like this. And that's what, like, you find out your friend was attacked by dogs, but then they tell you they do home invasions. Like, that's how people react. I don't approve of your lifestyle and that's, you got what you deserve, I'll be honest. That's what you get, you're a criminal. Broke my ankle skateboarding. And you know how most people break their ankles? I asked my surgeon, I was like, how do most people do this injury? And my surgeon's like, high heels. What? High heels? I'm ******* chasing my dreams in the streets. And everyone feels bad for these bitches? What the **** is that about? I'm ******* chasing my human potential and you're just bad at being fake tall? And everyone feels bad for you at this office party? ------- skateboarding gets no respect. We gave you Tony Hawk's pro skater, jackass, ******* Spike Jonze the filmmaker, right? And then everyone ******* gives me reverse sympathy, but stumbling Stephanie gets all of the ******* love? You just don't know how to get drunk out of a cab on lady stilts? That's not fair! I'm trying my best. Trying to raise my son, you know, it's hard to give my son good examples as a skateboarder. You can't set a good example for your son where you're asking him to, like, watch out for the cops. You know what I mean? But I'm trying, you know, I, uh, try to, like, set a good example. That's why I don't, uh, I don't support Chick-fil-A. Um, I eat there. Um, but I don't support them. It's a fucked up company. I don't support Chevron, but I gotta get gas sometimes, you guys. I don't support Chick-fil-A. It's a terrible company. Chick-fil-A funds conversion therapy camps. You guys know what that is? That's where they, that's a camp where they take gay kids, send them to camp to try to turn them into boring kids, and I personally think that's wrong. It is. It's fucked up. I heard about conversion therapy camp when I was a kid. They had that same thing when I was, like, 13, and I thought it sounded pretty cool. Not because of what they did. I don't like how you guys laughed at that part, but, uh, I didn't think it was cool because of what they did. I was just, I didn't have that much money growing up, so I didn't know that there were camps that sucked. Everyone who went to camp was just jealous, you know what I mean? Like, oh, football camp, way to go. That must be great, Greg. Oh, you're going to ballet camp? That's going to be fun, Tiffany. Oh, conversion therapy camp. What is conversion therapy camp? Because it sounded like top secret and science fiction, you know what I mean? It sounded like the coolest of all the camps, and then I saw all the kids who were going to that camp, and I was like, what are they converting these kids into? Are they turning these queers into X-Men? I want in. Is that how it works? Is that how it works? Whose cock do I have to suck to get some claws around here? Is that how it works? I don't know anything. I'm 13. If you **** me in the ass, can I fly? Is that how it works? Then **** me in the clouds, goddammit. I'm ******* trying to fly. Is that why Professor X is in a wheelchair? From getting bottomed out for so many years, and that's why he's so powerful? I don't know. Don't judge me. I'm 13. But then all my friends came back from camp, and they were like, no, Taylor, that's not what happened. I was like, I'm so sorry. But then they told me what happened. They were like, it was awful, worst summer of my life. They tried to change me. But then they told me they did all have sex. Yeah, turns out you can't send a bunch of gay kids to camp together and not expect them to **** each other's brains out all summer when you're stupid. And honestly, that sounded even better than superpowers to me. I was 13. I was like, I can imagine flying. I can't imagine busting inside a warm body. That is insane. How did that feel? What was that like? And all my gay friends went to camp, and they had a terrible summer, but they had sex, and they got to have sex with people they wanted to have sex with. Whereas my friends who went to Catholic camp, they had sex too. They had sex too. I got you twice, Catholic church. Bow, bow. That's a one-two punch. I think we can finally say that now that Taylor said those jokes, we can cancel church, right? Close down the Vatican. Taylor finally did it. All right, I'll leave him alone. Trying my best. That's why I was saying, that's why I only go 80 on anything. People go 100 on ----. Oh, no Chick-fil-A. Fuck it, go 100 on Chick-fil-A. And then they go to McDonald's. Is McDonald's better than Chick-fil-A? Like, oh, McDonald's, the pillars of moral decency. McDonald's has been covering up deaths inside their factories and restaurants for 70 years, regardless of who those people fucked. Do you understand? I'm just saying, is the homophobic chicken worse than the murder burgers that were shoving inside our kids' Happy Meals? I don't think it is, you know? But I don't know. That's why I only go ******* 80. I don't want to ******* go too hard on anything, you know? Like, conspiracies, like, I feel bad for people who believe in conspiracy theories now, because all my generation's conspiracy theories came true. It's true. Think about it. ------- Area 51 is real. UFOs are real. And weed is the cure for everything. And everyone's gay. That is the foundation of every conspiracy theory. I've been ******* smoking weed to solve my problems, ******* talking about aliens, and calling everyone gay since I was 13. Turns out, I wasn't a conspiracy theory homophobe. I was a microdosing psychic and an ally, is what I was. You guys had me pegged all wrong. But I feel bad for people who believe in conspiracy theories now, man. It's ******* crazy out there. You know what I mean? People are like, how do people believe in all these conspiracy theories? It's like, you guys, weed is legal, and the entire country has high-speed internet. What did you think was gonna happen? That's like leaving a 13-year-old boy alone with porn and privacy, and then being blown away that your towels are crunchy. You know what I mean? It's like, what did you think was gonna happen? You start smoking weed, and you don't go down a conspiracy theory YouTube rabbit hole, you're doing weed and the internet wrong. Do you understand? That's what those things are for. But you have to go far enough down that you climb back out. This is key. Because I believed in conspiracy theories. I went really hard down the rabbit hole. I believed in ******* hollow earth, shape-shifting reptilians. Yeah, QAnon flat earth people were like, this guy's nuts. And then what happens, if you fall down far enough, you'll eventually, you'll go to a meeting. This is so important for everyone's journey, because that's what happened to me. I went to a meeting thinking I was going to meet up with hundreds of other like-minded, shape-shifting reptilian individuals. And I went, and I went to a holiday inn with six people who just smelled like reptiles. And I was like, all right, you got me, internet, you got me. Fool me once, all right, you got me. I've been on the computer by myself for too long. I'm going to go start reading some books. And that's what I hope most people, you start reading some books, the first thing you learn is how much information you'll never know. And the first thing that happens when you realize that is how to never talk about conspiracies in public forever again. And that's what happened to January 6th, right? That's what happened. If you guys watched January 6th, 10,000 people went to that march, right? 2,000 people stormed. That means 8,000 people were like, all right, you got me, internet. I've been alone for too long on a computer by myself. I thought this was going to be a coup on the Capitol. It looks a lot more like the last call at an Arizona Applebee's. So I'm going to just bow out, go read some books. I hope that's what happened. I doubt it. I get why people believe in all these conspiracy theories, because I think everyone at one point believed in a conspiracy theory. Here, round of applause. Who here has believed in a conspiracy theory? Good, good. The people who are not clapping are crazier than every conspiracy theorist I've ever met. No, I'd never believe in a conspiracy theory. Oh yeah? Did you ever believe in Santa Claus? Yeah, the original conspiracy, right? And it was true. How did you find out about Santa Claus? It wasn't official channels. You didn't find out about Santa Claus not being rolled through the mainstream media, did you? No, it was some middle school Alex Jones. That's how you found out about it, right? Some just ******* punk smoking, swinging on the monkey bars, being like, Christmas is an inside job, brother. That's why your ******* parents are in on it. All your neighbor's parents are on it. Everyone in the country is ******* in on it, okay? It's a giant corporate psy-op, I'm telling you. And you're like, that is fake news, Alex. That is fake news. Magic is real. I'm a good boy, and that's why I get presents. Come on, Alex. Santa's real, and he's ******* going on the monkey bars being like, there's a body double in every mall. ------- look into it, and you're like, what? One of them's your uncle. What the ****? And now, I never actually really believed in Santa Claus that much because my parents told me Santa was real, but they also smoked inside. It's hard to believe someone when they're smoking in your face going, you'll be fine. I'm like, I don't think I am fine, and I'm starting to think the Santa Claus thing might be bullshit too, to be honest. So my first Christmas memory is waiting for Santa Claus. I had a hiding spot in the living room. I'm waiting for Santa Claus to come, right? And I think I hear Dancer and Prancer, but it's not Dancer and Prancer. It's my mom and dad coming down the stairs smashed and hammered. That's what I hear. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Wrapping presents to Taylor from Santa Claus, and they're talking about blowjobs and ----. My childhood's collapsing in front of me. They go to bed, and then I storm the Christmas tree. That's right. That's what happened. My January 6th was December 24th. Okay, guys? That's what happens. Except I actually did expose a conspiracy. So I pop out. I see all these Christmas presents wrapped to Taylor from Santa, and I'm like, oh, two can play at this game, motherfuckers. So every year after that, I would wait for my parents to go to bed, and then I would sneak into the living room with a bunch of presents that I got myself, wrap them up, write to Taylor from Santa Claus on every last one of them, put them under their tree, and then I would go to bed. That's right. And then every Christmas morning, I got to watch my parents wandering in the living room, all hungover, looking at all these mystery gifts all over the floor, and I just watched them going, maybe Santa Claus is real, because they didn't know where any of these presents came from. We were broke. They couldn't afford all this ----, you know? And I didn't believe in Santa, so it was all stolen, right? Like, where's a Sega Genesis gonna come from if not the North Pole? Answer me that, James. Answer me that. And they're fighting every year. You got him. No, you got him. Fuck you, Fawn. Fuck you, James. I'm sitting there like... And it was hard on their marriage, too. They can't go to couples counseling. Who's gonna see them? They believe in Santa Claus. Eventually, I had to sit them both down, you know, and be like, all right, guys, go ahead. Have a seat. I got some news to share with you. This is gonna come as kind of a shock, but Santa Claus isn't real. It was me this whole time. Don't ever ******* lie to me again. Like, I didn't want to **** up my kid, right? I really didn't. I didn't... So I didn't do any screen time with him till he was, like, five years old. I was like, no screen time. We're gonna wait till he's five, and then he turned five, and I was like, all right, let's watch a movie, but we got to make sure we pick something that's not gonna **** him up. So let's start out with, like, a good, wholesome Disney classic. What harm could those do? They've been watching these with babies for decades on decades. But now I've re-watched all of these trauma factories. What the ****? Are we still watching these movies with babies? Have you guys seen a Disney movie as an adult? Every Disney movie starts like it was written by Quentin Tarantino. Go watch one. It's crazy. Like, one guy wrote the first five minutes of every Disney movie, right? Like, they came in the Disney writers room with a stack of scripts, and they're like, we're in a real pickle with this one, fellas. It's just a deer in the forest. We got nothing. We need a hook. And there's just some psychopath in the corner who's like, I got some ideas. Hey, uh, that little baby deer's got a mom, right? Not for long. All right, here's your movie. That little baby deer's in the forest, right? That little baby deer's mom is in the forest. And that little baby deer's mom is gonna get shot to death in the first five minutes. Jerry, this movie's for kids. And he's like, I'm not done. Then you're gonna burn the forest. They're like, Jerry, this movie's for kids. That's never gonna play. And he's like, oh, it'll play all right. It'll play on ice. And it does play on ice. They're like, all right, we gotta give Jerry all our scripts. Okay, Jerry, we got another one for you. It's called The Lion King. That little baby lion's got a dad, right? We'll see about that. Here's your movie. That little baby lion's dad's got a brother. That brother's ******* nuts. He's crazy. He's gonna push that daddy lion off a cliff. Jerry, is that how he dies? Oh, you think that's how he dies? Nah, then he's trampled by a stampede of all his constituents. Jerry, you've gone too far. I'm just getting started. Then the baby lion is gonna go cuddle with the corpse. Everyone forgets about that part, but it's in there. All right, Jerry, we let you go far enough with Bambi, but this is Disney, by golly. That's never gonna play. Oh, it'll play all right. It'll play on Broadway for a hundred years. And it does. And every Disney movie is like this. They're like, all right, Jerry, we got another one for you. How about this one? Fantasia. Put him on acid. Next movie. What about all these princesses? Orphan these bitches. Orphan every last one of these princess bitches. I want the mom's dead of every Disney princess before opening credits. Do you get it now? This is Jerry's house. This is how we roll. Dumbo. Make a racist, put him on acid. Next movie. All right, Jerry, last one. 101 Dalmatians. Oh my God. I'm gonna need some time with this one, but it's gonna be all about dead puppy skin coats. Who here is just realizing that's what 101 Dalmatians is about? It's a two hour anxiety attack. My kids stand in there like, are these 99 baby dogs about to be skinned to death at any second by an anorexic fashion designer? I'm like, it is. That is what it's about. You don't realize how fucked up these movies are until you watch them with a kid. Like shout out any classic Disney movie. Just shout it out. They're all like this. Little Mermaid. Little Mermaid. All right, Little Mermaid. Here's your movie. So you know how Jerry thinks bitches shouldn't talk, right? Also kill the mom. All right, next movie. I just did Little Mermaid. Oh, Aladdin. All right, Aladdin. All right. This isn't really traumatizing, but it's in the middle of the Arab desert and everyone speaks English. What the **** is that about? Also kill the mom. Oh, and there's a boy in it. Kill both his parents. Fuck that kid. Pinocchio. All right, Pinocchio. All right, here's your movie. So there's this old pedophile who lives in a shack and he can't catch any of his own real boys because he's too slow. So he makes one out of magic and he wishes upon a star and then he gets a real boy and he puts a giant dick on his face. The dick only gets big and hard when he's being a bad boy. They're all like this. Every kid's movie. You don't realize how fucked up these movies are until you watch them with a kid because they're good movies. You know what I mean? Top to bottom, they're good movies until they're over and you turn to your baby. You're like, that was cool. And they're just shivering in a corner, screaming into a pillow. What does it all mean, dad? And you're like, oh, I fucked him up. I did it. I fucked him up. This is what people mean when they say don't have kids. You'll **** him up. And now I'm done with that bit. I'm not going to do Mulan. I'm not going to touch that movie with a 40 foot pole. Are you ******* kidding me this day and age? But you don't realize how fucked up these movies are until you watch them with a kid and you turn to them and they're ******* freaking out. You're like, oh no, I screwed my kid up. Why did I do that? And then that's why when people say that to me now, they'll be like, you know, don't have kids or people shouldn't have kids because they'll **** them up. And I'm always like, I'm always like, yeah, I know. That's what you do to kids. You guys got real quiet on that one. I didn't say I'm going to do it on purpose, you guys. I'm not, I'm not Catholic. That's right. One, two, three. Got you three times. You thought I was going to do two. What are you crazy? It's a rule of threes. I'm a comedian and a professional. ------- God damn it. I guess all I'm saying is as long as you're kind and nice to each other and you buy a t-shirt after the show, I love you. Good night, everybody. I'm Taylor. Oh, put me on the backstage. I'm never paying for another comedy special again. I just cannot pay all my money.