10 Toxic Things Parents Say

Hey Psych2Go fans, we hope you enjoy this video. Parents are supposed to be the ones you can depend on during down times and look to for guidance. Unfortunately, many parents say emotionally harmful things that can have a lasting negative psychological effect. This isn't an out-of-date phenomenon. Just 10 years ago, the number of children living in such an environment was approximately 55,000 as noted by the program Considering that young people have nothing to compare their treatment with, they often think that this toxic behavior is normal or even expected. The alarming conclusion is that they can't ask for help because damage sets in if they don't realize it's needed. In this follow-up to our 8 toxic things parents say, we explore some more things to look out for if you think your parents are toxic. Ever hear the phrase, don't take it personally? Well, this time those insults are very personal and it's from the parents. You know that phrase, a face only a mother could love? It means that parents should be supportive of your appearance. So when a child is image shamed by them, insecurities skyrocket. The open possibilities of what this statement means explode in the child's mind and could lead to core body issues in the future. 2. You're a freak. Saying this gives the message that they are not only ill-fitting to the world in general but unacceptably so. It also implies that there's something wrong with who they are as a person and they have no choice but to be negatively abnormal in some way. 3. You're so immature. If this was the response you received from a parent after requesting something or participating in a discussion with a parent, what's the emotion you read or felt behind that phrase? Is it disgust? Is it ridicule? Is it shame? This implies that the child is wrong or off, that they're undeveloped and inferior. No one has the right to shame you for your likes, dislikes, or non-harmful actions. There are also many instances of parents using words of neglect which are another form of toxic comments such as... 4. I'm going to send you to boarding school. How many times has it been shown in movies or shows where a parent or step-parent says this? Answer. Far too many. Sadly, this is the case of art imitating life. Yes, parents do say these things to their actual children. Saying that they're going to send you away communicates that they don't love you enough to want you around and they don't want to guide you or raise you. 5. Once you're 18, I'm kicking you out. Reaching the age of majority, which is most common at 18, technically marks the legal beginnings of adulthood. So when a parent says this, it gives rise to feelings of guilt. The almost-adult often feels like they're a burden and that maybe things would be better for the family if they left. There are also manipulative comments which are also toxic. Manipulation is defined as exerting shrewd or devious influence, especially for one's own advantage. Some examples are... 6. This is your fault. A parent placing blame on their child and acting victimized causes the child to feel like a burden or even a curse. This can lead to them going to great lengths to avoid being a so-called problem, maybe even enslaving themselves to maintain acceptance. 7. Show me some respect. It's certainly important for people to give respect where it's due. However, there are limits. If a parent or elder are toxic, being commanded to respect such behavior just because they're older is confusing. This also sends a message that once you get to a certain age, it's okay to behave in a disreputable or unethical manner because other people should respect you no matter what, just because you're older. The adult in this case is betting on the youth unquestioningly being respectful without need for a reason, allowing the adult full control. Critical thinking and questioning can help the child out of this if they have proper guidance. Other toxic comments come in the form of controlling words such as... 8. Do what I say or else. This is an outright threat. This dismisses the child's independent needs and desires, leaving them feeling unworthy of anything other than following the parent's whims. This brings us now to criticism and not the constructive kind. Overly critical statements about skills or abilities are common and detrimental. Statements like... 9. You are terrible at sports. One can substitute the word sports for any hobby or activity taken up by the child. This makes the child self-conscious about their skills, which can turn to anxiety, degrading performance further, and eventually even replacing the association of enjoyment of the activity with tension and fear. Which brings us to 10. You're the worst student. Even though many of us tend to be aware that there is always someone better than us, it's quite the downer to hear from our parents the implications that there's no one worse than us. These types of remarks can feel like a confirmation of the receiver's negative self thoughts, especially when we're younger. We tend to trust our parents above all others, so being confirmed by them as the worst definitely contributes to low self-esteem and feelings of being generally undeserving. Many of these toxic things parents say are more than just poisonous hot air. They're also verbal abuse, wherein a pattern of behavior is used to maintain power and control over another. Therefore, it's particularly important to be aware of what qualifies as toxic. Have either of your parents ever said anything like this to you? Do you know anyone whose parents frequently speak this way? If you're curious and want to know more about toxic family dynamics, check out our other videos related to this subject. The links are in the description below. We'll see you in the next video, and as always, thanks so much for watching.