My Mom Is A Toxic Human Being

[Music] Brought to you by the Every Dollar app. Start budgeting for free today. I was calling for some advice on how to handle a very financially abusive relationship regarding my mother and father. Talk me through it. Uh, okay. Uh, the basics are my parents are still together and I'm I'm in my 30s. It wouldn't be a big deal for me if it was just my mom and dad. But the problem lies with my parents raising the next generation. They actually raised my sister's twin daughters who are now 10. And I'm terrified that it's going to ruin their upbringing like it kind of did mine. What What's going on? What are they doing? Um my mother is financially reckless. I mean, for years. I mean, she did prison time for stealing from her employer when I was 16. Um, once she got out, she took out false loans in my name, my father's name, um, false grants through the state, and she's just been financially reckless on credit cards in her name, and my dad's name, and it's just left him in financial ruin. Wow. She's not only reckless, I mean, she's like a criminal. She's a toxic human being. Yeah. Wow. So, what does your dad do? And the problem, well, once he finds out about certain things, he does have a verbal confrontation with her, but he rolls over and and pees on himself, basically, and he won't stand up to her. And I think his spirit is just so beat that he won't stand up for himself at all. and I'm just left here as the the auntie who's trying to make sure that her nieces don't go through the same situation that I went through as a child. So, you you experienced all of these things as a child while cuz she was doing the exact same behavior and he was doing the same behavior. You you talked about that twice. How how do you think it affected you? Cuz you sound pretty adjusted to me. Oh, well, I'm not saying it didn't hurt. I'm not saying it was a problem, but Yeah, lots of therapy there. You know, was it lots of therapy? Is that what did it? Uh therapy helped a lot removing myself from the toxic situation. My mom kicked me out when I was 17. Ah um right after she got out of prison because there was a a fight between us on you know the vehicle situation after she got out. So I you know I had to grow up real fast. I raised my younger sister for the last four years of her life. How does somebody with a criminal record get um custody over two seven-year-olds? Uh because it was over 10 years after the fact. So after 10 years, their felony is erased or expuned from their record after seven, I believe. Okay. So, and they were in the system. So, they they went through the process to do parenting classes and become foster parents and they got custody of the younger two. So, whenever I hear a conversation like this, I always want to ask the what feels like an obvious question, but it's only obvious when you're looking from the outside. It's really hard to see on the inside. What of this can you do anything about? And the way you've outlined it, you can't do anything about your mom's behavior. She's been who she's been forever. You can't do anything about your dad's behavior. He's been who he is forever. Mhm. And um the state has awarded these children, right? So what can you actually control here? I guess you could sue for custody if you want to take the two girls or you can have this big like this big um I call it like a William Wallace type speech to your dad and maybe you'll get through to him which I can tell you right now you won't like and so I'm wondering like no I've already done that. There he goes. Right. So what are you looking for? Like what are you hoping happens? Maybe some advice on how to proceed because I know my mom's a lost cause for me. Um given our history we're not on speaking terms. Your dad is too. He's made That's I guess the the tough pill. It is. Behavior is a language. And he's told you for the last 20 years he's not interested in your advice or wisdom. And that's really hard to hear on No. And I'm saying it kind of callously and direct, but he doesn't care what you have to say. No, he doesn't. It never affects his actions. And I convinced him two or three times to leave her. And he's always on board. And he, you know, I have a a big house with a basement that him and the girls can move in with me cuz I have a 10-year-old, too. I mean, I have I have four kids and we have plenty of space for them. And I'm like, "Dad, just get away. Just get away. Every time you do this, this just damages you. It damages your soul. It damages your spirit. It's affecting those girls and you're teaching them and conditioning them that this is okay behavior." And it's not. And it took me years to figure that out myself. Yeah. Yeah. So, I don't know if I should just wash my dad off and be like, "Daddy, I love you. You're my favorite person in the whole world, but I cannot. I don't know that you wash him. I don't know that you wash him. I don't know if you wash your hands of him. He's still your dad, but um he is he's my favorite human being. You might quit trying to fix him. Yeah. You live in reality. Yeah. So, I guess that's what I was asking for is just maybe a secondary opinion on on looking at this from the outside and telling me I'm doing everything I can the right way and there's no fixing them because they don't want to be fixed. Exactly. There you go. And that's really one of the hardest things in adulthood is that other adults are allowed to misbehave and you can't make them not. If they called here, I can hang up on them and move on to the next one. But but I can't make them I can't make them go on and do it, right? Um I wish they would cuz I know what would happen if they did change and and I know that this can be fixed. I know that, you know, the power of God in their life, for instance, could intersect either your mom, dad, or both. And you know, in a matter of months, I've seen people change their whole households. Um, and then they seek out the therapy to finish the work and they do all the stuff they need to do. But, um, none, you know, my grandmother used to say those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still. And so, that that you're just, you know, you're just barking at a brick wall is what you're telling us. I mean, so I I think you pray for them. And and I think if you uh ever think of someone that might speak into their life that they might listen to cuz it's not you, that you send that person over there. If there's an uncle or a cousin or someone that they admire or a pastor that they say they like, um have them speak into it cuz maybe they have a foothold. Maybe they have a tow hold of credibility. But um and you might write you you might write your father a letter and just call it my last my last my last letter, right? And I'm still going to love you. I just need you to see in writing. You always have an open door at my house. Yeah. And maybe when you start talking and start lecturing him, he shuts you off. Like he shuts off his wife. Um that's just his default setting. maybe um around the glow of uh you know the refrigerator at 11 o'clock at night when all the other lights are off in the house, he reads that letter and he exhales and says, "I'm going to go." I I wish that would happen. I know. I know. And have you have you reach out to I am married. I'm happily married. So So have you and your husband talked about taking in the two girls. Is that a possibility? You know, I was married before when they were born to my ex-husband and having a new baby ourselves. He refused to let me take the twins in cuz they were drug addicted. They were in the NICU and he refused to let me take them in. But what I did is I raised them in the form of daycare until they went to kindergarten. Okay. But what about right what about right now? Right now? No. They're in school. No. Would you would you take them if they would let you? 100%. Okay. Make that make that offer in the letter then. There you go. Yeah. maybe make that offer and say, "We would love to let them grow up around their cousins and take that burden from you guys." Yeah, you guys deserve to be free in your uh retirement years. There you go. And um you know, we we um that'd be an interesting thing to see happen. But yeah, I I think you're right. You just got to lay it out there. Yeah, it's heartbreaking, man. It's heartbreaking. Heartbreaking. We don't do grief well in this culture. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your