Tito Garza: Prickly (FULL COMEDY SPECIAL)

I'm going to start somewhere nice and easy. Immigration. How about that? This might surprise some of you. I'm the son of an immigrant. My dad came here when he was two years old from Mexico. And he came with the dreams of any two-year-old immigrant boy. He wanted to rape Americans and maybe eat a dog or a cat. He was two years old. Two-year-olds are ******* crazy. He was one of those dreamer kids. They don't ask you what the dream is. They're just like, yeah, a dream. That was his dream. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Tito Garza. Tito Garza! Thanks for coming out. This is my first this. So, you know, it means a lot to me. Whatever. Okay, let's get started. I'll tell you this. No one wants to be an immigrant. No one wants to have to move from the place. No one wants to be born in a place that sucks. But sometimes you're born and it's just poverty and violence outside of your door, if you have a door. And you wake up and you're like, get the **** out of here. So you might come here. And it's hard. Have you seen how short some of these guys are? It's ******* hard. My grandfather, my dad's dad, he was five foot. That's it. Just five foot. I was taller than him when I was like ten. And he came here to New York ages ago. He was one of those little guys you see on the train. They're everywhere. And it sucks. Where they come from, they're not short. They're everybody's... They're like, yeah, no, it's fine. We're supposed to see our feet this clearly every day. I was on a pack train with my wife. And my wife's like 5'9", which is too tall for a lady, but... It doesn't stick out too much here, but Latin America, she towers over Latin America. She's like that statue that looks over Rio de Janeiro. You know that statue's only 5'8"? It looks bigger. We were on the train. It was packed. And they're all like this, you know how it is. And the doors open up, and there's two guys there. And they're tiny. They're just little immigrants. They're tiny. They're grown men. They're 45 years old, but they're this tall. And my wife didn't have any room, but she wanted to make some space, so she just pushed her arm out like this, and she was like, just go, just go ahead, just go. Get going. And I just saw their faces go, oh, oh, okay. Just the ******* humiliation of that. That sucks. These guys have lived a life. They had to leave their families and their homes and fight here in the back of a truck, and they ate whoever. They lived in a basement in Queens all together like Willy Wonka sleeping style, and it just, it sucks, and now they got to go under this silly lady's arm? Might be the worst thing that's ever happened to them. You don't need, you don't, you really don't need a wall or laws. You could just have my wife at the border like, no, no, no, you just come, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just come up. They wouldn't come. They wouldn't. There'd be, like, tales about them, like the coyotes would be like, all right, we're gonna take you to the border, but then it's up to you. You gotta cross La Dama Gigante yourself. Yeah. Oh. Well, my dad was a success story. He came here, you can come here from anywhere, and if you put your head down, you learn the language, you work really hard, one day you can raise your own white man. Anybody can do that. Everybody should. Everybody should raise a white guy. I think that's, that's what I think. Everybody gets one. Everybody raises a white guy. That's the only way anybody's gonna like us again, because, I get it, you turn on the news, and you're like, ****, these white guys suck! But if you have one at home, you're like, they're not all that bad. Some of them are nice. No, we're all, we're all bad. Uh, some of us are, some of us are pretending to be nice. Uh, the future is female. Um, yeah, you can clap. Sure, whatever. You know there's a second part to this joke, so they're like, whew, okay. Uh, the future's, you know, there's not much future left, but you can have it. You ladies, you can have it. No, take it. You already take it. No, go ahead, we don't, we're done. You take it. It's got some holes in it. Still get some life out of it. It's vintage. Oh, vintage, okay. It's cute. It's not gonna give me cancer, is it? Yeah, maybe. I hope the future's female. I have a, this show, I have a five-month-old baby girl at home. There's my baby, sure, yeah. And I hope the world treats her better than it's treated women thus far. And I, you know, I do my part, every morning I pick her up and I kiss her and she's perfect and she's beautiful and I whisper in her ear, I'm like, you're gonna be president one day. And then I call her Mrs. President, she's Mrs. President, you know. And then my son, he's four, he comes in and he's like, Dad, can I be president? And I'm like, no! You don't matter anymore, get out of here! The future's female! It's just how I parent. I don't know, there are some signs, you know, the immediate future's whatever, but, you know, it's getting better for women in some places, like there's more women in college now than ever, and more than men, like by a lot, which is good. There's also more men killing themselves than ever before, which is good for women, that's good. That's really good for women, I think. This is true, I looked it up, 40,000 men kill themselves every year. That hurts me to say, because if I could convert just like a quarter of them into ticket buyers, like, I wouldn't be performing in this room, I'd be in a big room. My career would be good. Sad guys? That's my demo, that's what I... I think a lot of young men have lost their purpose, I think. A lot's changed, and men's purpose used to be holding women down, but that's harder to do. Lighten up a little bit, just to... This is my taping, I get to say what the thing is funny is. Not you, like, I don't know about that one, if I could... No, **** that, we used to hold you down, and now we do less, all right? It's true, it's a true and funny joke. It's all right. Lighten the **** up. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... I'm so grateful for you guys coming out to my show right now. Ah, smile, ****. Yeah. Those are great. I don't know what my purpose is. Uh... I have a family, that's something, I don't know. That's new, my family's new, I've had them for four years. You learn a lot about yourself when you have a family. Like, I learned that I, uh... I want to be alone forever, that's what I learned. I'm a little late to learn that, but... A lot's changed, like, I don't have any privacy anymore. When you get married, like, all of our accounts are linked now, so I found this out, if I go to CVS, we're on the same stupid rewards card thing, so she gets an emailed receipt. If I get something at CVS, and I didn't know this, I just went there to get something I needed, it doesn't matter what I needed. It doesn't matter... I would never ask you what you're getting at CVS. What you get there is between you and your God, and the lady you gotta call. Can you open the thing? Like, that person knows, but... That person knows who you are, but no one else. No one else's business. So I got what I needed, I was walking out to the car, and I get a text from my wife, and she's like, I didn't know you had hemorrhoids. I don't want to talk about that! Leave me alone! That's my thing. And then she was like, are they bad? I was like, no, they're good. I got the... They help me run really fast. She was like, you spent $42 on spray? I was like, yeah, I got two cans. There's a new spray on the market. Look, there's a young crowd. I got excited. You guys don't know yet, but some of you will. The lifespan of an asshole is like 40 years, tops. It really is. You're gonna find this out. I had never thought... Like, we're not supposed to live this long. We're supposed to die in a jungle at 28, never thinking about assholes for a second. But now we're living a long time, and we're drinking, and we're eating meat, and trying stuff in bed, and it's just like... It gets worn out. So you gotta take care of it. It's the tiniest muscle in your body. I didn't look it up, but it's... It's a tiny muscle, and it holds your whole world together. It really does. It's like Atlas, that god that's holding up the globe, but it's just Chipotle from yesterday. It has a bad moment. If your asshole shrugs for a second, you just... You could lose your job or... ruin Thanksgiving. Yeah, lock it. You gotta take care of it. So there's a new spray. It's lidocaine. It used to be prescription, and now it's... I know a lot about it. And... It's the stuff they used to spray on soccer players, but now you can just get it. It's formulated for your asshole, and it's a great product, and... I found out there was a privacy issue with this, too, because I got it home for the first time, and I was gonna use it after a show late at night. I thought my wife was asleep, and I was in the bathroom right off the bedroom. It's like 1 a.m. It's pitch black. I'm naked in the dark, trying to spray into the hole, and it's hot. You don't really know where your asshole is. You really don't. You think you know where it is, but if you're spraying from a foot away... So I just sprayed a lot. I was like... It was cold, and I squealed a little bit. And it was loud. And my wife wakes up, and she's like, are you spraying your asshole right now? I was like, no! I need a divorce right now, this second. So now I gotta, like, drive out to Wendy's bathrooms in the middle of the night to spray my ass. We got the kids, and we don't... I haven't eaten at a restaurant in a long time. We can't take the kids to a restaurant because you can't. They don't sit down for a ******* second. And, uh... All right, this is the best analogy I have for having a toddler. You ever see those big fish-catching shows where they catch those giant tunas, and they get them in the boat? And then there's one guy whose job it is, he's got a sledgehammer, and he hits the ******* tuna in the head to kill it and stop it from flopping around. All right, so imagine you got the tuna, right? But you can't hit it in the head at all. And you gotta carry it in a thing, and it's ******* flopping around. And you get to the door, and they're like, hey, you want a table or a booth? You're like, ******* give me a booth! Hurry, give me a booth! You need a booth because you need a wall to pin them against. Hand the chest, and then you can kinda eat a quesadilla with his hands. But it sucks. Everybody's mad you brought your tuna. They're like, oh, I brought a tuna? Why'd you bring a tuna? And the tuna's flipping out. And you gotta be nice to your tuna. You can't yell at your tuna in public. I can see you're upset, tuna. It's okay. I know you want to go back. I would love to throw you back in the ocean, but we can't, that's not an option. We were at a diner with my then-two-year-old, and we ordered him a sandwich, and the waiter brought a soup. He didn't know it. It came with a soup, apparently, and she brought this hot bowl of steaming soup, put it down in front of my then-two-year-old, and she's like, why don't you just give him a loaded pistol? We're all gonna die. He immediately slams the table. It spills on him, on me. It's like a zero to 100 in a second. He's crying. I'm flipping out, trying to clean him up. The waitress is leaning over. I'm like, get out of here. Leave me alone. And she's like, you want another soup? And I was like, what? No! Leave! So I get him cleaned up. He's finally calming down for a second, and she comes back with a bowl of ice cream that we did not order. And she's like, here, to make up for the mess, and I'm like, you can't just introduce ice cream into this. He's too, he's not gonna touch his sandwich. That's over, and we have to give him this ice cream, otherwise he's gonna cry for four years, so we're gonna give him this ice cream, and that amount of cream and sugar at this time of day, he's not gonna take a nap, and if he doesn't take a nap, he's gonna fall asleep early, and if he falls asleep early, he's gonna wake up at 4 a.m. tomorrow. So you ruined tomorrow for me. If you want to help, you take him. I'll sign the papers. You can raise him yourself. I don't want it. You teach him how to be a waiter. I don't care. I don't want it. I'm out of this. I have to get out of the house sometimes, and you have to come up with a reason, because when you got kids, your spouse is like, you're not ******* going anywhere. Like, I can't just be like, I just want to sit outside. Like, no. So I have to be like, I'm gonna go to the gym. I have to better myself. Look, there's always been attractive people at gyms. There's always been attractive women working out, but there's a new phenomenon of attractive women filming themselves working mostly on their butts. They're wearing those pants, you know, the ass pants. Everybody's got the ass pants, right? That they lift, and it kind of... It turns everything into, like, a perfect... Like, you could put it on your dog's face and be like, ****, I want to **** my dog's face. Holy ----. It's unfair, those pants. And, look, I don't have to look. I'm an adult. I don't need... If I sleep, I don't have to look. But it takes a lot of energy to do that. But I don't sleep at all, because we got the kids. So I just... I don't want to be on some viral TikTok behind some lady working out, like... Oh, ----. I caught myself looking the other day. I was like, oh, how long... How long have I been looking? Holy ----. It's ******* winter already. Everybody's a creep, eventually. You guys are young. You're not creeps yet. Bill Belichick found out he's a creep. You guys see that story? Football coach, 72. He's dating a 24-year-old cheerleader. The news... Just headlines, like, look at this, what a creep this guy is. Look at that. You're supposed to see that and be like, that's gross, and I do, I think that's gross. I think even if I was a 72-year-old man, I'd be like, that's gross. And then I would try to do that. I would try to do... Because other 72-year-olds are gross, not me. I'm not... I don't think they're gross. You think Belichick read that and he was like, I'm gross? Oh, no. He's just standing naked in front of his bedroom mirror, like, you still got it, Bill. Your nipples are still shiny. When you're young, you're not a creep. You can walk down the street and smile at somebody, and they might smile back. You might talk to somebody. You might **** somebody just from meeting them on the street. And then one day, you're walking down the street, you smile at something you like, and they're like... And you're like, oh, ----, something's changing. And then one day, you're walking down the street, and no one will look at you. You're just too old. You're just no one. You might as well be a building at some point. You're nothing to nobody. And that's the day you realize that you have to become a sexual predator. That's just when you know. It's tough to know your value as you age. We had a lot of people visiting when we had the baby, and my wife's... She has, like, an old aunt. She's, like, 92, she came over, and it's her brother. She's old, and she was having a great time, and then she pulled us aside, and she started talking about herself, because that's who she is, and she was like, I'm gonna die soon. And you know when old people tell that to you, and you have to be like, no, what? You... You look great. I didn't know she was still... I thought she died, like, three years ago, but... Is anyone under 30? Clap if you're under 30. Oh, okay, good. Good, yeah, no, she's happy. This is a young crowd. You guys look so young. You look like kids to me. I'm only 41, but you look like children. I'm attracted to both of you. It's ******* weird. Kids that I want to ****. Whoa. You're both beautiful. Oh. Sorry. I think... I'm kind of jealous of the young generation, because you guys are driving the culture more than ever. Everybody has a voice now. It's so great everybody has a voice. That hasn't been the case for most of history. Most of history was old Greek men ******* little boys. Like, that was... The youth was not driving that culture. They were not like, and then the old men have to **** us. That's how... No, they had no say in the ******* matter. Yeah, man, ancient Greece. They were a lot of pedophilia. Just embedded in the culture. And also philosophy. That's crazy. Why were those two together? I think they were related. I think... Like, what else could drive a man to just spend his life in thought contemplating his own existence? I think it's just the need to rationalize their own pedophilia. Like, that's... You gotta... People weren't happy about this. Like, we know you're ******* those kids. And they were like, how do you know anything? What? What is even to know? What to know? True knowledge is knowing you know nothing. Oh. Fuck it. They didn't need to do that. Not all ancient cultures were pedophilic. The Romans weren't known pedophiles. They weren't philosophers either. I mean... Italians, not deep thinkers. But... They looked at ancient Greece like, you sit around thinking, ******* kids all day, forget about it. Come with us, let's go feed people to lions. I was watching Sesame Street with my kid, and there's been a change with Cookie Monster. He's healthy. They're making him healthy. I know, it upset me too. I was a 90s kid. You don't make a Cookie Monster healthy. And I'm not going on some anti-woke rant. It's just like, he's a Cookie Monster. You don't take cookies away from the Cookie Monster. It's a fun character for kids. They don't need another monster on a diet in their lives. They already have mothers. Just let him be the thing he is. You could still send a message and be honest. You could just give him diabetes. Just show what happens. Show kids what happens if you just eat cookies your whole life. And Elmo comes up to him and is like, how you doing, Cookie Monster? And he's like, not so good. He's limping a little. Doctor cut off two of my toes last week. He says if I just keep eating cookies, I'm not going to live to see 48. But I'm a Cookie Monster. That's all I can digest, really. I can't even taste it anymore, Elmo. I just sit here eating cookies every day waiting to die. And then Elmo's like, Jesus Christ, yeah. That'll teach the kids to be healthy. Yeah, so I'm 41. I had a big year. I finished therapy. I quit. I was cured. I was cured of wanting to go anymore. I'm just going to have rage. It's okay. It's spicy. I'm the first generation of people, like I'm in that first generation, to be like, no, we're going to be happy. We're going to go to therapy. We're going to figure it out. Everybody reaches a certain age and be like, something's wrong. And then your whole friend group's like, you've got to talk to somebody. And then you go and you talk to them and they're like, it's your parents' fault. And you're like, oh, good, oh, yeah. That feels good. And you think about your parents. It's like, they tried the best they could. You know, they're fucked up people too. Who fucked them up? And it's like, well, their parents. And you're like, so Meemaw and Peepaw did this? I love Meemaw and Peepaw. And you think about them. Well, who raised them? Just people who were raised in the 1800s by people who owned slaves or were slaves or really wanted slaves? These weren't good people to raise kids. And you go back to the first people that ever were, and it was just a guy sitting in a cave like, I thought getting a bigger cave would do it, but it just suddenly... And it's like, look, your grandfather was a monkey. What do you want, you know? If you ever have kids in here, you're gonna **** up your kids. There's no way. They're just impossible, and you're gonna be tired, and you're gonna **** them up. No one can raise a perfect kid. Mother Teresa could not raise a perfect kid. Mother Teresa couldn't raise a kid. She never had any kids. The ******* nerve of this lady to call herself mother. Fuck Mother Teresa. Yeah, she helped some people in Calcutta. All right, I bet she got up whenever she wanted. There wasn't a Mother Teresa Jr. in her ear at 5 a.m. She just slept in, got up at noon, fucked around on her phone, masturbated, did whatever she wanted. And she's a saint? Fuck that. You know who's a saint? Every parent who just tried. Casey Anthony is more of a saint than Mother Teresa. Yeah. I don't know. It's hard. I love my kids. I want them to be happy. It's hard to be a parent. It's the most selfless thing. I don't want to put any of my dreams or wishes on them. I just want them to figure out what they want to do and be happy. But also, there's a piece of me that's like, I feel like if they grow up and they're not happy, that somehow they have failed me, and I'll never forgive them. So... I grew up in the 90s in Texas, and there's a lot of fucked up kids. I have a good friend of mine, I was down there in the holidays this past year, and he's 43, and he came out as gay to us at 43, and we were like, yeah, it's too late. We don't care. It's just been way too long. We love you, sure, but come on. Also, we've known for 20 years. We've known you've been throwing great parties for 20 years. We know. We know you're gay. Gay guys throw the best parties, they really do. Everybody knows this, because they have the taste of a woman and the logistical competence of a man. And you put those together... The charcuterie and the parking is fully considered. No one else can pull this off. I was a little upset. I was like, why'd you live this life so long? Come on, you thought... We love you. You think we're gonna cut you out of our lives just because you slept with thousands of men? Like, I don't... That is what I assume. I don't know. I think a lot of straight guys are just like, yeah, thousands of cocks, why wouldn't it... Of course. Thousands in the dark, faceless, nameless cock, what? Why not? Because we know who we are as guys. We know what we'd be doing if we didn't have women complicating the thing we wanted. So... We know. And I know there are some guys out there, probably some gay guys who get together and really want a connection and they fall in love and they get married and they build a home and then they invite thousands of men to join them. Why wouldn't they? That's the whole point of the thing. Gay guys have the best opportunity for the best sex life of any human. They've had it too good for too long and it's time for me to... They've had it too good for two or three years, let's talk about it. Yeah, man, just... Will Chamberlain famously claimed to have fucked 20,000 women in the 70s. Any gay guy could pull those numbers. Any... With a regular face and a mode of transportation, you could do it. You could do it. And he had to be Will Chamberlain in the 70s. And he's lying, too. Like... The straights have a difficult... A more difficult road. Like, gay... Straight guys have to convince women, who rightfully hate us, to let us talk to them and touch them with our gross bodies. And straight women have to trust themselves to believe that the man they're talking to is safe. This one's nice. He's not gonna hurt me. Yeah, that takes a lot to get there for both of us. We're both sitting there like, this is weird. And then we gotta take each other home and we're going to meet each other's families. Look, Mom, look who I convinced I'm safe. That's ******* weird. Gay guys don't have to do that. There's a good chance that one of them is estranged from their families because of the homophobia that still exists. You think that's a bad part of the joke, but it's not. Here's the only... Here's the bad part of the joke. My gay friend who came out, he didn't come out. I made that part up. But he did not come out. I just think he's gay. I just know... I know he's gay. I know it! And I feel bad for his wife and his kid, but he's gay. I hope he's having a good time. I think he grew up in a rough time to be in a place... Texas in the 90s was not a good place to be a gay kid. Look, you've probably felt unnatural. I think everybody feels unnatural about... Everybody's into something weird as a youth that you grow up and you're like, something's wrong with me sexually. Everybody. Just me. Just me. All right. Just me. Everybody feels unnatural about their sexual desires at some point in their life. And then you grow up and you're like, nah, nothing's unnatural. Everything's as natural as anything else. There's no more natural sex than any other kind. With one exception. I think there's one more. There's one that's more natural than any other. We all know what it is. It's a thin black guy with a big old white lady. I think that's... Come on. I'm not the only one who clocks these couples. I love it. It warms my heart. They're out there having a good time. It's beautiful. It really is. Speaks to the possibilities of human connection. Look, they're not... No one in their lives really is happy about that relationship happening. But they're out there at your local crab boil restaurant having a great time. That's Romeo and Juliet sitting right there cracking up shellfish. I love a crab boil restaurant. I love seafood in a bag. That's how I know this. That's how I wrote that joke. I was at a seafood boil. I'm by myself and there's two other couples and they were those couples. I know these people. I love those places. I have to go alone because my wife won't go because they cook it in a plastic bag and it's microplastics. I want to be infertile two years ago. As much microplastics as I can get in my body. I want my sperm to just have heavy plastic tails. No. I'll never be a person. It's just what I want. We already have two kids and they've ruined our lives. How are we alone? It's so weird when you have a kid because you have conflicting feelings. Sometimes I'm playing with my son and I feel more joy than I've ever felt in my life. But it's so hard that within an hour I'm like, I don't need joy. I was a lot happier when I was sad and alone. I take my kid to the zoo a lot because you've got to take him somewhere. You go to the zoo as an adult and it's horrible. You're like, these animals are suffering. This is torture. Why are we doing this to animals? But then you look at your kid and you're like, **** these animals. Fuck them. I don't care. We were out in New Jersey and I like to take him in the morning to this New Jersey zoo because there's no one else there. We were there on a Tuesday and it was just us. It was great for a while. And then we were joined by this group of adults from an adult group home thing. And they all had Down syndrome or something. And I didn't even notice. And then what I did notice was that they'd been walking around and they were with us and I saw that my son was just having a really hard time looking at the animals anymore. I was immediately like, no, you can't. Stop. You can't look at them. You don't look at them. And he was like, what's wrong with him? I was like, nothing, nothing's wrong with him. We don't look at them. I was the only one who was upset. My son was like, is that cool? And they weren't upset. They weren't like, I'm special, don't look at me. No, they were like, hey, you know, whatever. I was the one like, no, you can't look. We don't look at them. We didn't pay to see them. That's not why we're here. Look at the alligator. He's five feet from your face. Look at the alligator. It's just a whole day of trying to teach my kid to not stare at disabled people. That's not what I had planned for the day. It was tough. And now he wants to go to the zoo all the time. He wants to go all the time. And I don't trust his intentions. I don't. If we're going, we're going to see the saddest animals in New Jersey, not the happiest adults, all right? One time I picked up my son from a daycare a couple years ago and the lady who gave him to me, she was like, can you talk to him? He's been touching Hannah's hair and that needs to stop. And I was like, yeah, sure. And then she pointed to Hannah and I was like, oh, yeah, definitely. Because Hannah's a little black girl in his class and he doesn't know he was two. He was touching her hair. And that's a whole thing. That's a whole thing I've got to explain to a two-year-old and I don't know how to do that. I can't explain our nation's racial history to the... He's two. I can't be like, let's watch Roots. See? That's... That's why. See? You're watching. So I didn't just tell him and he didn't understand. I was just like, we don't touch anybody's hair. You know, Hannah, especially, we don't touch Hannah's hair ever. And he was like, why? And I just kind of panicked and froze up and I was like, I think you know why. I think... You know. You know what you did. I don't know what I'm doing, man. I'm one of the first men to ever raise a kid. I really am. I'm really there. Like, being a present father, that's a new phenomenon. There weren't... Yeah, woo, thank you. Dads didn't really start showing up until, like, Obama went into office and things. They were like, oh, yeah, I got to be a better man, too. Let's meet my kids. But... For centuries, there have been men who didn't really even know their kids' names until they were hunting age. You didn't give a ---- about their kids, all right? You just...you didn't. You didn't change diapers and feed them and talk to them. How are you feeling? No, I didn't. Every day, I changed a ******* million diapers. And I just wish sometimes that I was born in a time where I didn't have to do that, you know? Like, a lot's changed for the better. Women can have the lives and the jobs that they want, and that's wonderful. But not for me. It's pretty bad. Like, men have been horrible forever. Why does it have to end now that I'm a man alive? I want to live in my grandparents' generation. They didn't talk to their... If they had a bad kid, they were like, yeah, I don't know. God made him evil. Nothing I did contributed to a violent outburst at Woolworth in any way. Dads were crazy, man. There's a reason why there's only ever been a mothers against drunk driving. You know? It's always mothers. Dads never really against... Dads never really took a formal position on drunk driving. I'm gonna stay out of it. We're like Switzerland when it comes to... Dads are against drunk driving poorly, but... That's really the difference between mothers and fathers. Like, mothers don't want you to take any risk. You don't drink and drive. But dads are like, no, you can improve. You can get better. You put in the work. You're my son, God damn it. Just because you hit a tree once doesn't mean you give up. You get back out there. You drink and get back on the road. You only hear about the horrible stories about drunk driving. You really do. Only the terrible stuff. You never... We never really talk about the elites, you know? There are elite drunk drivers that walk the earth amongst us. And you're never gonna hear about them. Because they're never gonna kill anybody. Or even scratch your car or nothing. They're elite. They have the spatial awareness that would rival any Olympic athlete. And they're on the road drunk. You're never gonna hear about those stories. You're never gonna hear about the guy who's driving. His kids are in the back. He's driving fine. He's fine. His wife's like, how many did you have? No, I'm fine. And he just pulls right into the driveway perfectly. And they're all fine. The news isn't gonna cover that. A drunk man drove his family home. And they're all fine. You guys have Ubers now. You don't know. We used to have the designated drivers. When I was in college, we had a designated driver. And he was just the guy who could hold his liquor. My good buddy. This is true. My friend, my buddy. We grew up together. He's just a drunk, man. But he drove his home every night. His name was Lester. And he had a rough childhood and a steady hand. And he got his home safely. Young people will never know. I was driving my kids around the other day. Completely sober. The times we live in. And I was just kind of black. I wasn't thinking about nothing. My brain was off. They were quiet in the back. And then my son pipes up. Just out of nowhere, he's like, Dad, am I gonna die? And I was like, no. And my wife was like, you can't lie about that. And that's how I was like, yes. Everybody dies. And he immediately started crying. Which is why I said no in the first place. Because I know that's where it's going. He's like, no, I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I'm like, no, not now. Look, there's gonna come a day you're gonna want to die. Right now you don't want to die. Because we're doing everything in our power to make your childhood as wonderful as possible. And you go to a great school. And your teacher sings. They're gonna stop singing. It's gonna start to suck. You're gonna have to learn geometry and ----. And you're gonna hate it. And then you're gonna get out. And you're gonna want a job. And you're gonna work really hard to get that job. And then you're gonna get it, hopefully. And then you're gonna be like, this is the worst ******* job I've ever had. What have I done with my life? And then you're gonna fall in love with somebody, maybe. And it's gonna be fine. And then after a while, you'll be like, oh, no, they're a narcissist. And then you're gonna be like, well, maybe I'm a narcissist. And then you're gonna be like, there's no way, I'm too good for that. And then you're gonna reach a certain age where you got nothing and some of it means anything. And you're like, oh, my God, maybe I should have a kid. I don't know. Like, you exist because my life sucked. That's why you're here. I was 35. I was like, I got nothing. I said, I don't know, let's see if a kid fixes... You're here because I was trying to scavenge some meaning out of this life. And it didn't really fix anything. But I love you. If anything, it made it worse because now I really fear death. Like, I really don't want to die because I don't want to leave you alone, all right? Because I love you, and I want you to have a dad and a nice life, and I don't want you to live with an empty hole. You can't live without a father. You're not going to do well. You're not LeBron James. It's not going to go well for you. And I have high cholesterol. I could drop it at any moment, so I just live with that now, just hanging over my head every second. And he's four, so... It was just a long pause, and he was like, what? And then I was like, why don't we just get some ice cream? He was like, yeah, rainbow. Yes, good. You really don't have to answer your kids on anything. You just be like, cookie? Yeah, uh-huh, okay. That's why I have high cholesterol, because any time he asks, I'm like, ******* treats. A lot of my friends are not having kids a lot, and it's often the same reasons. It's like, I don't want to bring a child into a world where the climate is so climate. And that's fine. I get it. But really, I mean, if you're being honest, be honest. I don't want to bring a child into a world where I would have to raise that child. That's what you're saying? Because if you think the world is ending, fine. I kind of agree with you. I agree. But I don't think that's a reason to not have a kid. I think you should have kids, even if the world is ending. Don't you want people around to see the end of the world? That's an interesting way to go. That's a fun way to go. Most of us are going to die in some stupid hospital or the heart thing, just like, I didn't get to do everything I wanted to do. I never saw Shen Yun. And now I'm just going to die? I hope for any of you, if you ever find yourself on your deathbed and you have just a little bit of energy, have some fun. Make a scene. Have a fun death. It must be enough to just sit up and rip your IV out and stumble out and the machine's going, beep, beep. And the nurses are like, no, don't. You're going to die. Your family's like, what are you doing? You're like, I got to get out of here. I got Shen Yun tickets. I don't want to get out. And then you make it all the way to the parking lot, maybe, and you just fall face down and die ass up. And then your family comes out and they're like, Jesus Christ, what's wrong with this asshole? This is uncomfortable, too, for me to say. My son, he's got, I think he's got a big penis. I didn't really clock it. When he was two, my wife came to me and she was like, no, I think this is really big for his age. And I was like, how do you know that? Well, here's how you know. When you've got a kid, there's other kids around. His cousin would come over and play. The other kids in the neighborhood would come over and play. And over the years, they all got their diapers changed. So what's been happening in my house is my wife and I have been clocking other kids' dicks when we talk about it after they leave. I don't think it's illegal. I don't know. I don't know how to know. I can't Google little boy penises. You compare your kid to other kids on all metrics. And he's just, I don't know, he's pretty good. 80th percentile, I would say. But the result is I've got like eight or nine toddler dicks just in my head. I don't want them in there, but they're in there. He also spoke really early. At two, he was speaking in complete sentences, which was cool. We were impressed. But he had a lot of words he didn't need pretty early. His aunt ran him a book about consent. He didn't really grasp the concept, but he had the word. And that wasn't great for me. I'm his dad. I've got to drag him around to ---- he doesn't want to do. When we were at a pizza place, it was a party for his friends. It's all his friends and their families. I need to take him to the bathroom, and he didn't want to go. So I'm kind of dragging him in there, and he's flipping out. And then he just screams at the top of his lungs, No, dad, I don't consent! He's like, shh. No, you don't. You can't say that. Look at all these weird, frozen looks from everybody. He's like, no, I'm not weird. I'm a totally normal, I'm not a weird dad. I'm a totally normal dad. I mean, I can sketch some of your son's penises from memory. But that's got nothing to do with this. All right, that's my ----. Thanks for being here. Thank you guys so much.