Why Is Simply Being Not Enough for Me?

I live in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. I'm the only single non-Christian gay in the village. And I have the opposite problem. I feel like I have loneliness and fear trying to burst out of the kettle of boiling water. And I've used, over the years, so many tools. Alcohol, sex, travel, excitement. They all stopped working over time. And as time goes on, it's like I'm even seeing fantasies. I turn 60 and then I'm suddenly like, all the fantasies I thought my life was going to be like was keeping me sort of on that. I could get sort of happy feelings. So all those tools quit working. And then I did get to have the expanse of state with you in 2019. And that lasted like six months. I felt porous and I was able to just be in places that were just horrifying to my body, usually. But I was able to just be. And so I just called it expansive. And then I condensed back down whenever COVID hit and my job went away and no health insurance. All that stuff. So now, like today's meditation, I was able to go to spaciousness. So I wouldn't, there's no joy. I don't feel the happiness and the peace. I guess it was peace. It was kind of like neutral. I can be in neutral. I can go to neutral space and be in neutral space. But then the swirls of, like a little essence of, oh, I got to pick out my health insurance. And you know, these real world things that I don't, they come up and then suddenly that condensation comes back and that sort of fear and loneliness starts. That sensation in the body comes back. Is, I know there's got to be more than just neutral. I would like to just be in that state of neutral. But is the, I guess the answer kind of using, going to the neutral space as much as possible going to allow for things to shift or for me to become aware again that I'm not this body. Or I guess that I am not the body and be okay with being here right now. Is that a question? This feeling that your true nature, the experience of just being or being aware is neutral. And therefore somehow lacking, somehow insufficient. Like you want more than just neutral. Does being ever say, I want more than this. This is insufficient. What I'm trying to point out by asking that question is that it's not, when you say I want more than neutral, you're not speaking from yourself. You're speaking from your feeling. You're speaking about a feeling. You want to change your feeling. But your being, your true nature, the fact of being aware is not a feeling. If you go back to that, there's no sense of lack. There's no sense of I need more. Or I want to change this from neutral. All that belongs to your feelings. I don't like this feeling. I want that feeling. So you're not speaking from your true nature when you say I want more. I'm not just happy with neutral. That's just a subtle form of dissatisfaction that characterizes the separate self. You're not speaking from yourself. You have to go back to yourself, to your being. Being never says I want more. It seems like this body now that you bring it up, or I brought it up, the body is so used to needing something more to get rid of the pain. It's like a habit. It's like the alcohol. Ooh, that was good. And now I need something. Did it quit working? So I need this. So now it's like I guess even the spiritual thing is I'm sitting there going I need more. It's just kind of like this. Yeah, but Jim, you got to the stage where you've tried everything that is available, everything that's available in the conventional realms of experience, objects, substances, activities, relationships, but that didn't work. Then you embarked on a spiritual journey and you experienced altered states of mind which again worked temporarily. But sooner or later when those altered states of mind wore off you found yourself back with the old dissatisfaction. You've tried everything. There's nothing else to you. You've tried everything that's on offer in the conventional realm and in the spiritual realm. So there's only one more place to look and that is your being. That's the only place left for you to find peace. Tell us the nature of your being now. Tell us about your being now. Are you having the experience of being now? I'm talking to you. I am aware. Are you having the experience of being now? Do you have the experience either now? Tell us about it. This is it right here. Tell us about it. Try to describe its qualities as best you can. Try to use adjectives that are true of its nature. I am experiencing. Just tell us about the experience of I am. I am all. Don't add anything to the I am. We don't want to hear anything after the I am. I am. We just want to know about the experience. I am. Not the experience. I am experiencing. I am. We just want to know about what you refer when you say I am before anything is added to it. I was so happy when Alex was in this spot. Yes. That's the place to go. That's where you have to go. You've been around long enough. That is the place of peace. If you want peace, that's the only place to find it. You've tried everything else. What is the stuff that covers it up? Don't go there. It doesn't matter what it's covered up by. It doesn't matter what the shape of this room is. The space in this room. The nature of the space in this room is always the same. Irrespective of the shape of the room or the number of people in it. The experience I am is always the same experience. Its nature is always the same. Irrespective of the content of your thoughts and feelings. You can be deeply depressed. You can be lonely. You can be sad. You can be anxious. You can be excited. It doesn't matter. It's always the I am. I am depressed. I am lonely. I am sad. I am excited. The I am is always shining there. Whatever the shape of this room, the space is always the same space. The I am is always the same experience. Irrespective of what subsequently qualifies it. Sadness or loneliness or sorrow or excitement. It doesn't matter. The I am is always the same. All you need to do is to see the nature of that pure I am before it is coloured or qualified by experience. Everything you have ever longed for lives there. You're in a good position, Jim, in this sense that you've been around long enough and you've tasted life fully enough to know for absolute certainty that no objective experience can give you what you truly want. That recognition can lead to despair. But in your case, you have this other possibility. You've been exposed to this other possibility. Some people will just think, OK, it's impossible, therefore, to be happy. Because I've tried everything. It doesn't work. That leads to despair. But that's not the case for you. Because this other possibility, you've come across this other possibility. There is another direction, a directionless direction, in which you can find the peace you long for. Thank you. I hear you. Just take that I am. Just say to yourself, from time to time, just quietly inside yourself. Say to yourself once, I am. Don't add anything to it. Just say I am. When you say I am, you refer to an experience. You're not guessing that you are. You didn't read in a book. You didn't watch a YouTube clip. You don't need somebody else to convince you that you are. I am is your experience. You can say I am from your experience. So you just have to go to the... Ask yourself the question, what experience enables me to say with absolute certainty, I am? We can each say I am, because it refers to something we're experiencing. The experience of being. So you must know that experience. Otherwise you would say, I'm not. Or I don't know whether I am. Are you certain that you are? Are you certain that I am? Please say yes. You are absolutely certain. You are more certain, we are more certain that I am, than we are that this is a world. Whether or not this is a world, I still am. We are absolutely certain that I am. The statement I am comes from an experience. You must be experiencing your being in order to be able to say I am. You just have to go into that experience of being. You sink deeply into it. That's the kingdom of heaven. That's about peace. That is peace. Just go deeply into it. Rest in it. Sink into it. Abide in it. There's no sorrow in that. There's no agitation in that. There's no time in that.