15 Minutes of Kevin Hart Dad Jokes | Netflix Is A Joke

This parenting thing is hard man. You need patience. You gotta have a lot of patience to deal with these kids I'm not gonna lie. I don't have a lot of patience. I'm learning. I'm trying certain things make me mad Like I don't I don't like it when I tell my kids to do stuff and they do exactly what I say Like I want you to do what I say, but I want you to do it how I pictured you doing it Don't do it the way you want to do it do it the way I saw you do it when I told you to do It might be confusing, but this is serious to me Other day my son he souped up off candy. He running all over the house. I got mad. Hey, that's it Come here. Shut it down. Go to bed. Swear to God. That's what he did. This made me so mad standing up That's what he did. I said go to bed That was so mad wake your damn ass up you don't sleep standing up Not no vampire I Was mad cuz I didn't know how to explain why I was mad you don't close your eyes till your brain tells your body To shut everything down. I Didn't know that you can get mad at kids the point where you want to fight You don't want to fight a kid man kids assholes like my daughter is an asshole She is we argue me and my daughter honestly argue. She can't even talk. She know a couple words, right? She put a couple sentences together, but it's like every time I tell her something she always got something to say back Don't matter what I say She always got to give me something back and it make me mad we got to argument over juice the other day She came into the room. She was like daddy juice. I said, no you had enough juice. Go get some water She looked at me. She was like doom again. I'm doing Juice and I looked at who the **** you think you talking to Sit your little hands down and get the goddamn. I was so mad I was mad because I knew she knew what she was trying to say. She just didn't know how to say it Like in her mind. She was like you black midget bitch Get the juice Punk ass daddy. I Knew that's what she was saying. I could tell by her hand movement. She's Jimmy got all this She's like you black midget bitch. I was so mad. I Could tell you how every man in this room watches kids this all we do we sit on the couch and listen for shit That's how we watch our kids kids do whatever they want when they were dead I know you're not in that toilet You're better not be in that toilet We don't do nothing. I know I'm getting older now because of my kids. I'm starting to fuss a lot The older you get, that's what you do. You just wake up angry. I don't know what the hell I'd be mad at. You just wake up mad. When you got more than one kid, you just wake up angry. Hey, who got the thing with the shit in the, all right now, where the, all right, hey! Heads and beds, right now. I don't even know what that means. Heads and beds, that's my shit. My son, I just yell at my son, because he not have much. You know, he's a man though, so I yell at him just because. I get mad. Hold your head still, boy! All day. I think kids play too rough. I do. Me and this boy got into it a Chuck E. Cheese. It wasn't a fight, it was an altercation. We got into a little altercation, because my baby was in the balls. He was throwing the balls at my daughter head. He throwing the balls, hit my daughter right in the head. Pow. My daughter's so damn stupid, she thought it was a game. She playing. She like, Daddy, look! So, I'm getting mad. I'm like, throw a ball back. I'm pissed off. I look at my son. He just looking at the shit. I was mad at the way my family looked as a unit. Like, we didn't look good as a unit, man. Like, my daughter, she taking balls to the face. My son shaking his head and slobbering. I'm small. We look like a ******* circus act. I was so pissed off. Like, I've never been so mad at my wife in my life. I was like, why would you dress us in different colors? We look like clowns. From now on, solid colors when we glow out. We look like a team. Solid colors. It got to the point where I told my lady, I said, yo, I'm not taking out trash no more. I'm not gonna do it. She said, well, I'm not gonna do it. I said, you don't have to. It's not a woman's job, it's a man's job. I'm gonna make my son do it. He's seven years old. Time for him to start pulling his weight around here. He don't do shit. That's the beautiful thing about being a dad. You can do what you want when you want. Can't nobody say shit about it. I woke my son up at two in the morning with a complete bullshit story. I kicked his bed. Get your ass up. Get up. Then I tell you, get that goddamn trash out last night. First of all, that was a lie. I never said that. Never said anything like that. He woke up, he was confused. What? No. You never said that. What? Calling me a liar? You telling me I'm lying? Get your ass up. Get that goddamn trash out. Private schools are ******* my kids up. My son, he said, all right, all right, all right. He goes, let me get my flops. What? I'm not a fighter, man. I'm not. I won't act like I am. I won't. Seen too many bad things happen. I saw my dad get knocked out one time. I was 13. Traumatized me. I got hit my dad twice in the same spot. Quick as hell. Quickest two punches I've ever seen in my life. I've never seen anything like it. Bop, bop. Hit my dad so fast, in the middle of the fight, my dad stopped fighting and asked me what happened. In the middle of the fight. He's like, bop, bop. Shit, hey, Kevin, hey. He just hit me twice. Yes. Yes, he did. Are you sure it was him? It's only y'all two out here, dad. Ain't nobody else out here with y'all. So you telling me he that fast? They not jumping me? Ain't nobody jumping me? No, no. Ain't nobody jumping you. It's just him. Well, he must be an octopus because I saw a lot of stuff going by my face. Really? Really, dad? An octopus? That's what you just thought? A human octopus? Really? When my dad caught another grown ass man an octopus, that was the day that he stopped being my dad. I lost all respect. He didn't understand that though. He was still trying to discipline me around the house. Kevin, hey. Didn't I tell you to get the trash out? Get up. Get the trash out before I crack your damn face. Shut up. You get the trash out. If I get Steve to come over here, put his damn hands on you again. Oh, oh. Oh, you gonna get Steve, huh? You are something else. You know that? You are something else. Give me the trash. I'll take trash out. Give me the trash. My son goes downstairs. He grabs the trash. He's about to walk outside. He sees it's real dark. He goes, dad, it's real dark outside. Can you come with me? No. No, I cannot. That's not my journey, son. This is your journey. It's about you becoming a man. You gotta do this by yourself. My son grabs the trash. He's literally walking outside. He goes down the driveway. I could tell when he got scared, because he stopped. He started doing this shit right here. He started looking around. When he looked at me, I said, see, that's why I don't like doing that shit. Go. You all right. Finish. He put the trash in the trash can, started walking back. Out of nowhere, my son takes off running. I mean running, haul assing towards the house, running as fast as he can. I got scared because I couldn't see what he was running from. I couldn't see it. So I closed the door. I closed the door. No, I did. I know it's wrong, but I did it. I don't wanna lie. I shut the door. I told myself, depending on what it was, what's gonna determine if I opened up the door or not when he got back. If it was something crazy, I was just gonna put my hand on the glass. I was gonna say, son, touch the glass one last time. I hate that it had to be this way. I'm real scared of gorillas. I am, because it was daddy day. I was at the zoo. It was me and my babies. You know what I'm saying? I'm by myself. I got my son in my arm, my daughter right here. We're looking at the gorillas. When I'm looking at the gorillas, I'm trying to explain to my daughter what a gorilla is. You know, when I'm talking, the gorilla smacked the glass real hard. I'm talking about hard as shit. You know, I'm talking to my baby. I'm like, baby, that's a silverback gorilla. Okay, they call it the silverback because it's got a silver thing going down its back. While I'm talking, the gorilla's like, smacked the shit out the glass. In my mind, he just got loose. I was like, he's out. I never got out the zoo so fast in my life. I mean, like, dude, I was haul assing out the zoo. But like, you know when you're running and you think somebody's about to catch you and you feel it on your neck? Like, I was running, but I felt something. I was like, oh shit, the gorilla about to grab me because it felt like somebody was doing this. And I was like, I got to do something. I got to get the gorilla off me. I didn't know what to do. I panicked, so I dropped my baby. I was like, ah. Made it look like an accident. Ah. They're like, you dropped your baby. I was like, ah, ah, ah. I had to save myself. I didn't like that. I'm serious. My dad almost killed me one time. When I was younger, I couldn't swim. I didn't know how. My dad didn't believe me. This nigga argued me down. We at a pool. I'm sitting on the side of the pool. I got my feet in the water. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. I'm playing, having a good time. My dad said, boy, you better stop playing. Get in that water and swim. I said, dad, I can't. I don't know how to swim. He said, you know how to ******* swim. Get in that goddamn water and swim. I said, no, dad, I'm serious. Nobody ever taught me how to swim. My dad picked me up, grabbed me, threw me in seven feet. As soon as I hit the water, I started to die immediately. Woo! This is why my dad an asshole. This is what my dad said. Hey, you better not ******* drown. I said, what? I don't know how to stop it. When I tell you that was the most uncomfortable ride home I've ever had with my dad in my life, keep in mind I almost died. Whenever you come close to death, you become traumatized. Hard to get that shit out your head. I kept having flashbacks. We in the car, we driving home. I'm looking out the passenger window. I kept replaying that shit over and over again. I was like, no, no, no. Don't let me go, dad. Don't let me go. Every once in a while, I would look at him. Why don't you believe me? I told you I couldn't, I don't know why. Don't make me laugh right now. This is exactly what my dad said to me. That's how my dad tried to make me feel better. This is exactly what he said. Look, don't make me laugh. This is exactly what he did. He was driving, right? I almost lost you today, didn't I? What the **** does that mean, man? It's my dad, though. I remember my dad took all the Christmas lights off the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. Listen, do you know how mad you gotta be to take the Christmas lights off the goddamn Christmas tree? Do you know how long it take to take the Christmas lights off the ******* Christmas tree? And to keep an attitude that whole time? Yep, y'all done fucked up today. Too late, too late. It's gonna be a dark Christmas in this bitch, I bet you that. Ain't nobody gonna see shit in this house. How many sets of lights I put on this goddamn Christmas tree? My dad was ******* crazy. My biggest fear is getting knocked out in front of my babies. That's a fear, man. As a dad, what do you do? What do you do when your kids come get you? Dad, they messing with me. Who? Them. As a dad, you gotta go whip whoever them ass is. That's your job as a dad. What do you do when you go down there and get your ass whipped? What do you say? What do you say to your kids? Dad, they messing with me. Who? Them. Stay right here. Hey, ************. Come on, come on. These niggas are real. Let's go. Get in the car. Was that a kid? When we get home, I'm whipping your ass for putting me in that situation. I had nothing to do with that. I woke up this morning as a Christian. You don't do that to me. It's at the point now where I can't even let my dad watch my kids by himself. I gotta watch my dad while he watching my kids. Cause he does too many stupid things. I caught my dad giving my kids raw candy out of his pocket. Candy with no wrapper. It was loose. It was just in his pocket. He said, huh, huh, y'all want one of these? What the **** is that? What are they? He said, peppermints. Ain't no goddamn peppermint. Where the lines at on that peppermint? He said, my jeans must've rubbed it off. Nigga, not about to give my kids no jean-dyed peppermint. Fine, more for me. Takes the peppermint out of his pocket, puts it in his mouth. Five minutes go by, I saw my dad take that peppermint out of his mouth, put it back in his pocket. Those were half sucked on peppermints. You're not gonna give my kids no goddamn suck and save. That's a suck and save. That's an old people trick. Old people love to suck on candy and save it. I'm gonna save this till after church. Nana, eat that ******* candy. Little piece of candy left. Grandma, eat that ******* candy. My dad is old school, old generation. Old generation believes in whooping the kid's ass. That's all they believe in. It's not that I don't. I don't want y'all to think that I don't. I just don't feel like I need to whoop my kid's ass. My voice is enough. Shut the **** up. It's enough. Private school kids, they get scared fast. Dad's gone crazy again. Let's go to our secret spot. Private school kids.