The MOST POPULAR Peter Kay Jokes | Stand-Up Comedy Compilation | Peter Kay

You know a little bit about karaoke, when you're singing on a karaoke you haven't got a clue that those were words. I was singing them take that back for good, wash your back, wash your back, wash your back, want your back, what's this, want your back. I've been singing wash your back 15 years. So you go on a karaoke and you see lyrics that's what they're supposed to be singing. You know that song we are family, for years I thought they were singing just let me staple the vicar. Right, who's right and who's wrong here, listen. Just let me staple the vicar. You know Duffy, Duffy the Welsh songstress, last three years I thought that poor cow were begging me for birdseed. I thought it was mercy, I thought it were birdseed. I'm on karaoke giving it birdseed, birdseed, mercy. Vicar's beautiful song, we use this on live air, do you remember they showed it over this harrowing footage of the starving Ethiopians. If you listen closely, they're actually singing about pork pie, pork pie. should have been on here. Apparently according to Michael your burgers are the best. He must have had one of them burger vans, you know they have at Bumfers, doing state Canadians and hot dogs. Speaking of hot dogs. I believe the hot dogs go on. He's got a bit of rivalry here Michael. Celine's peddling hot dogs, it's on his patch. Meanwhile Katie Lange singing about arseholes. After you do, he'll never borne you, I swear to god borne you. Bobby Gentry, Phil, listen. After you do, he'll never borne you. I've sang that at Calumny, Mum. I do my own choreography, in case you're wondering. I can't believe you kiss your cock at night. Can't even see mine, let alone kiss it. Who's working a shop me, and I use tilt stuff up. Showing you look, my people came in, they come in. I'd say that's uh, that's uh £3.42 please. Do you want the 42? What? Do you want the 42? Yeah, I do. Otherwise it'd be three quid, and that's not enough, is it? All right, I'll take it out my wage, shall I? People say stupid things. A woman come up to me in Bolton at Christmas. She went, excuse me, excuse me, am I going the right way? I don't know where you're going. I'll tell you this for free. I love that one. I'll tell you this for free. Put your money away. Believe you me. Believe you me. Me? What did I get dragged into? You me? You me? What's it got to do with me? You me? I won't touch him with a barge pole. Who's got a barge pole? I won't touch him with a 10-foot pole. All right, he's happy as Larry. Who's this Larry? Who's this Larry fella? We can compare ourselves to, he's that happy. First things first. That's a belter. Come on, first things first. Really, let's have first things third, shall we? Well, I love it when you come back off your holidays, and people say, hey, I see you brought the good weather back with you. Imagine that at Customs, eh? We'll look at here, shall we? Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm blinded. Blinded. I'm crowded out here. Look at that, eh? I went round my grandma's flat. I walked in. She said, guess who's dead? Guess who's dead? I've got to guess. Guess who's dead? Would you start with something like that? Guess who's dead? You'll never guess. Chuck me a phone call. Who's Connie? Connie. Hit flat upstairs. I heard a thud during bargain hunt. Who's Connie? Connie, Connie, Connie. Oh, well, now you've repeated it. Bloody penny's dropped now. There were Connie Patent Treason. Joe, he had a beard. Emigrates to Canada. Member, he joined RAF. Big lad. His daughter, Donna, granddaughter, used to be nursery with you. She had crayons. She's in police now. She's a desk sergeant. She had a club foot. She had a kink in her leg when she walked. We used to work at Warburton's. Jimmy's in Barstow. He knocked a nun down on Green Lane. He's a three-wheeler. Kelly and Angela live over at dry cleaners together. They're both lesbians. She can't say lesbian, me Nana. She'll burn if she says lesbian. They're both lesbians. Connie, dead. Hey, I only saw her on Tuesday and all. And? Well, she looked all right to me. I said, she got knocked down by a bloody bus. What do you want to look like that? I saw her in Nettles shopping. I said, what do you want? Grim Reaper pushing a trolley behind her. Come on, Connie, love, get in. You don't need firelighters. Time's time. Come on. Come on, I've got a pony on this trolley. Get in child's seat. Come on. Oh, count, Grim Reaper. Let me tell you. Come on. Oh, Mr. High, me wrist's a wrecking. Take me hood off. Is it hot in here? Is it me? I love that. Is it hot in here? Is it me? How is he? He's all right. But how is he in himself? How is he in himself? What is he, a contortionist? A friend of mine won a trolley dash around Nettles. Seriously, a trolley dash. Run round, got to check out. Trolley piled up here. They tilled it up, 11 quid. You can't argue with them prices, can you, eh? It's the only place I know where carrier bags are dearer than beans. And they're good carrier bags and all. They are the kind of carrier bags that your mum uses to put all other carrier bags inside. What's all that about? Mum, have you got a carrier bag? Just hang on. I've got a next one in here with good handles. Where is it? Mum, we're going. Wait. Mum, we're back. Went Connie's funeral just before Christmas. Really bad day raining. Fine rain. Talks you through. It was kind of rain that fine rain. It's trying. It's trying. It's trying. Would have it could. Can't make its mind up. I didn't know what call for put on. Raining. They went to cemetery. They went back to pub because they put a bit of a buffet on for Connie. Not this yet much. And there were, there's always aunties and uncles that you haven't seen for years. Not your proper aunties and uncles. And there's always an Uncle Nobby. There's always an Uncle Nobby. There's an Uncle Nobby in everyone's family. There's one in ours. I'll not tell you his name. Jack. He's a sweep over. Smokes roll ups. Yellow stain. Always setting fire to you when he's talking. Say you're listening. That's right. That's right. Are you ignoring me, eh? I'm with the wife. I'm with the enemy. That's right. I've just had a bypass. Touch and go. Touch and go. My heart's on its ass. Is it? Not a medical term. He came into toilet. He went, woo! Police here. Woo! Look at you, eh? Hey, you're shooting up, aren't you? No, I'm having a piss, actually, if you don't mind. Hey, how old are you now? 29. 29. Woo! Catching me up. No, you'll always have that 25 years edge on me. I remember you when you were down here. Yeah, well, I don't want to talk about that. They're all sat around having some buffet. This woman said, ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Did you see it rain today at the cemetery? Raining? I've never known rain like it. But when they lowered that coffin at Connie's, did you see, did you notice? Clouds parted and bloody sun shone. That were Connie. She were there. She did that. That were Connie. I said, what? That were weather. No, no. That were Connie. She were there. Isn't that right, Lena? That's that. I'll tell you now. Five years ago, he loved, he loved cheese, onion, crisp. Cheese, onion, crisp. Cheese, onion, crisp. With multi-packs, quavers. And when he died, and they lowered his coffin into the ground, I swear on our Christine's eyes, don't please. At the lowered coffin, God is my witness, an empty bag of quavers blew across. I have the occasional Baileys sometimes. More of a dessert than a drink, I grant you. Last time I had a proper Baileys, I went on my school reunion. Have you ever been on one of them? I tell you now, there's a reason you've not kept in touch with some of them people over years. But someone got in touch through FaceTube, and I thought, I can't. I've got to go. Curiosity got the better of me. And I went with a mate of mine. He said, you're a nightmare. You walk in, there's people I've not seen for 20 years. You know you're getting over at local lollipop lady in your class at school. And everyone's got older, and fat and balder. Them's are women. I went over. And they were all teachers with her. They don't get any older. Nuns. I had nuns teaching me. Honest to God, nuns are miserable. No sense of humour. Nun. I'll tell you that now. We sent them a Valentine's card every year from Jesus, every February. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, I died for you. Sister Sledge. She went and missed us at our school. Sister Sledge. She was lost in music, caught in a trap. Come on, turn him back. She once got hot fifth year boys at an assembly hall, someone's thrown a shatterproof ruler at Carol Farrell. Was there a time before shatterproof rulers existed? What were they blowing up in kids' faces? Why were they shatterproof? What was that about? Shatterproof. Get them shatterproof, Bob. Shatterproof these, quick as you can. Blowing up in kids' faces here. Get them shatterproof, son. Bang, another one gone. Quick, shatterproof. It hit her there. If it had been an inch lower, it would have been instant death. When I find out who it is, I'll take them on that stage in assembly and I'll bang them in front of everybody. I don't think you will. We had real teachers though as well, we had humans, they weren't all nuns. Have we got any teachers in tonight, by any chance? Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't shout out, put your hands up. One rule for one, fingers on lips. I used to like teachers with amnesia. Who do you think you are? Who do you think you're dealing with? How old are you? Where should you be now? Do you know who I am? Silence when you're talking to me. I don't want to see you floating around school. Who do you think you are? Waltzing in at this time. Don't come in here and start mouthing off. Come in here and start shouting the odds. Seven, nine, 11, 43, 27. Who do you think you are? Swanning in at this time. Put your pens down and watch the blackboard while I go through it. Who used to like that one, me? Keep talking, keep talking because the longer you talk, the longer you'll stay. I don't care what time I go home. Quarter to nine, we kept him till. Quarter to nine? I suppose we're going for a meal with my wife. Oh bollocks, you said, stay, I'm happy, me. I'm here for the night, I'm taping Taggart, don't bother me. Do you ever try and blind a teacher, me, watch? Have you all concentrated? Have you all did it blind teaching? Do you know? I know who it is. No, you don't, you can't see. F*** all, you don't know who it is. Try and burn it all in front of his pants. Do you know, Fogan? His balls are smouldering, his balls are smouldering. Do you know? Fire alarm. I always wanted to be out, me, when Bell went, the first one out. You start packing everything away about two minutes before Bell. Put everything back in my pencil case, really, really discreetly. Put it back in my bag. There you go, but still pretend I've got a pen, an imaginary pen, because they can't see because someone's sat in front, so you pretend you're writing. Put your coats on really discreetly. Well, that bell's for me, that bell's not for you, that bell's for me. That bell's a signal for me to tell me to tell you when you can go, do you hear me? Do you hear me? How mad they were, Mr Bryce at our school, what an arsehole he were. Saw him at that school reunion, I wanted to wind him. Right, weirdo. Took us on a geography field trip, took Graveyard to see his wife. Oh, mentalist. He just sat there sobbing, we were playing Iron Man and Headstones. He didn't like me. Is that how you're going to be when you grow up, K? Comedian. I'll tell you where you're going to end up, K. The thick table. Get your stuff, get on the thick table. We used to have a thick table in our class at school. The thick table. When I say thick table, I don't mean thick table. I mean thick table. Get with that today. PC and all that. This is 20 years ago, and all this ADHD and dyslexia. Thick table, get on the thick table. Jason Patel. Snorkel Parker sat in Ben's arse first of all. Thick table, Jason, till you learn. Tresa Crankfist. Oh, Jesus Christ. With space dust and snot bubble. Thick table, Tresa. Paddy McGinnis, thick table. Let the thick see the table. That's true, I was that with him. He's watched television in class, and he's wheeling this massive television on legs. They were up there. Two prefects used to wheel it in like prize in a game show. Massive. You're like meerkats watching it live. Video in lockbox, that'd have been nicked. Remote control on a wire. Systematics, they don't share with aerial, trying to get a picture. Can you see? Can you ******* see now? Can you ******* see? I would never have found the PE at school, me. I can see astonishment in your eyes, but I would never have found it. I don't believe you can be physically educated. They used to make us walk on an upside down gym bench. Did you ever do that? You used to balance walk along. Your weight's dropping off me now, sister. I used to pretend I forgot my kit. I forgot my PE kit. Get something out of that bin in the corner. Fencing mask and netball skirt. Forward roll. All changed. The ropes. Get on the ropes. Get on the ropes. Oh, they've been on the ropes twice now, sister. Sit on this pissing bench. I rob Pat lunches, me. Pat lunches were two Spam sandwiches and a munch munch yoghurt in a Robert O'Sherwood lunchbox, packet of salt and shake, island toffee, and a beaker. Mum used to give me a beaker with orange cordial with some cling film over the lids so it won't spill in me bag. You don't want that all over your books. Give me back your books. What was that about? Backing books. Mum, get me that wood chip wallpaper inside a wardrobe. Come on, back me books here. I neglect to razzle. Back me books here. Keep me safe. Get a life. I used to love it when I went dining hall at school and someone would fall with a dinner. Just gets walking back to the seat, you'd get some girl walking. Everyone would go, wait! When they were sick, they used to put sawdust down. What about sawdust? There's nothing to see on your way. Of course there's something to see. She's throwing up sawdust here. She's throwing up sawdust. Some carpenter's daughter. Look at that, shavings. Shavings. Should be embarrassing bodies, she's a freak. They were doing that at school reunion about half past ten. Everyone were drunk. My sister and I were doing it. We're going around with a bucket of sawdust, throwing it down. I had a few baileys that were up on karaoke with trees of crank fish, giving it bump and grind. Trees were off her tits, pole dancing at crucifix. Sister sledge. I'll kill her. I'll ******* kill her. Where's my shatterproof ruler? I went to a wedding about two weeks ago. First one's up, any wedding. Little girls, about ten, eleven year old, dancing. Ah, don't care about the rags that I get. So they've got a little bit of get along. You always get that. You always get little girls dancing. You always get little lads doing this. On the knees. Look at your trousers, get up. Look at his trousers. The filthy, get up. Look at your pants, the filthy. Come on, sit down, cool down. Look, you're roasting, you're wet through. Sit down, have some lemonade. Look, you're like a bullmastiff. I want to go and play. I want you at 22. Just calm down, will you? Fucking best man. You always get aunties and grandmas doing the bent over dance. There's no kid. There's nobody there. Grandmas always go early. Wedding. Sandra, your grandma's going now. It's ten to eight. She's going. Grandma's like Yoda from Star Wars. She's about three foot tall, with her anorak on. Go in, go in. That disco's too old for me. That's not music, it's just bloody night. Go get home and get settled. Get curtains drawn. Give us a kiss. There you go, grandma. You get home. You get home, get a shave. There's loads of bitchiness at weddings. Look at that dress. When was she measured for that? The bride, have you seen? Oh, you look really nice, Sandra, look at you. That new bloody princess. Have a good day. You deserve it, you're a star. She's packed into that, ain't she? Look at her arms, it's like Russell Grant. I love DJs at weddings that talk all night and you can't understand a word they're saying. Please enjoy some good time tonight. Don't go first, we don't know them. Give it ten minutes, we're not pigs. Dad, go and get me some buffy, go and get me some buffy. I've had no tea. I'll keep the seats, I'll keep the seats. You go, you know what to do. Oh, she's put a good spread on, look at that. Volvons, quiche, chicken legs, volvons, quiche again, chicken legs, ******* volvons, quiche. That's all it is, one table and a shitload of mirrors, that's all it is. Always reminds me of Scooby-Doo. When they used to run down a corridor in Scooby-Doo and they used to pass the same things, volvons, quiche, chicken legs, volvons, quiche, chicken. Here you are, dad, I got you some food. What's this? Garlic bread, you're joking. You slipped on it, didn't you? Hey, that's beautiful, that's beautiful, that. That's a future, that's a taste sensation. It's a future. What's that there? Excuse me, what? Cheesecake, Jesus Christ. Am I ears playing tricks on me? Cheesecake, a cake of cheese, the dirty bastards. Cheesecake, I'm going to be sick. Cheesecake, cheesecake, no. Cheesecake, no, dirty bastards. A cake of cheese. After Buffy, everyone's a bit pissed now, they all want to dance. DJ puts on Grease Megamix. Music man, black lace, that's a winner. Come on Eileen, jive bunny, bit of rock and roll for mums and dads. Whip, whip, come on everybody. Uncle Nobhead, he's up, he's got his brand new cream slip-ons on. His wife's got a beehive and a face like a smacked arse. They ate each other's guts but they both love jiving. They take it really seriously, come on. Dads get up drunk with their tights fastened round their heads. I've not lost it. Love it when dads sing and they're drunk and they haven't got a clue what words are. Dancing queen, feel the meat and the tangerine. Dancing queen, eating Chinese with Mr Bean. Oh yeah, you can dance in your underpants. The other type of DJs I always love at weddings are the ones that have the shirts open because they've been tantastic in the afternoon. They've got a back perm, blonde highlights in there, poor man's Paul Nicholas. They love themselves and all they do is just flirt all night and show off and talk to women and talk after every line of every record like this. What am I? Tell me again. What have I got? What have I hit? That's right, it's party time, come on. That's right, come on. What about your knees? A drum, that's right, a drum, come on. I love seeing people meet at weddings when they start doing the walk into the dance floor dance. Oh, you know who you are when you start dancing while you're walking up to the dance floor. Then your mum gets up. There's always some cousin in his 30s, pissed off, still reckons he can breakdance. And then your dad, your dad's like this in Karma. Now you're talking. Get up, get up, love, it's that one. It's that one, get up. Or at that wedding that night when that woman collapsed with a zimmer frame doing YMCA. We laughed as well. They got thambulance for her. Thambulance. Thambulance come, they were trying to restart right on dance floor, you know them defibrillators. Like you are. Clear, clear, all lights were dimming. You see, oh, that's last door, it's only half past nine, what's going on? Drink. I love the end of a wedding. Everyone's up, big circle. Ride and groom it, middle. Everyone kicking the hell out of them. Be a part of it, bang. I'll make that dress fit you, fat bitch. I got hit in the mouth once with a slip-on. Uncle Knobhead's cream slip-on shoe. Casualty, three o'clock in the morning with a slip-on hanging out of my mouth. New York. Big light goes on. Can I have your glasses, please? Can you make your way to the door, please? Come on. Get back, you bastards. Break your legs. DJ. Daddy in front at disco. Oh, no. What do you mean, good night? So early. Come on, don't pack it up. Put a bit of more turn on for that. You what? That's his proper voice. He really talks like that. That's his proper voice. My mum's in tonight, so I don't have to give her three rings. I know I'm safe. If you ever do that, give your mum three rings, let her know you're safe. And after the second ring, she picks it up, so what's the point of that? I rang her the other week from London. She said, where are you? I said, I'm in London. You don't sound like you're in London. So what do you want, Chaz and Dave singing Rabbit behind me or something like that? Snoo, Curl and Bean at Zoo. I love it when the phone rings about half past ten at night and you're both like, who the hell's this? Who the hell's this? Who's this ringing at this time? Who the hell's this? Pick it up, you'll never know. Point it. Who's this? It's rung off. It's rung off. They call her without the number. Or when someone rings you, they're trying to give you a phone number, you can never find a pen. There's never a pen. There's always one pen that never works. I'll just get a pen, just hang on. Oh, shit. I'll just get a pen, pen, pen. Have you got a pen, love? The bloody pens I've had in this house. The bloody pens I've had in this house. I don't want an eyeline. Outside a couch. Pound coin, that's mine. You always end up with a little blue shitty lottery pens about that big. Pen I've got. Go on. Sorry, I've got a pen now. Oh, Jesus. Somebody's chewed through end of it. Somebody's bitten through end of it. So now every time you try and write, the nib goes up inside. So now you've got to carve the number into paper now. 30729. I'm going to buy a box of pens and I'm going to put them on that pissing phone table, I'll tell you now. A friend of mine had a phone call one afternoon, she had her whole family around. Hello? Hello? What did you say? I can't hear, love. Just turn that television down. I'm on the phone here. What are you saying? Write down. I can't hear, love. Just hang on. Took phone outside. What did you say? How big are your tits? It was a dirty phone call and she dragged him round house. For the third and final time, how big? I'm going to pay for it, love. I'm going to pay for it. There's a queue outside. There must be pipsy pips have gone. What are pips? What are pips? What are pips? Pips have gone. Pips have gone, mum. Then you talk quicker, you try and cram it all in after the pips. Texting's bad. Texting's the devil. Takes over your life, texting. I sit at night with my phone on a hammock couch, looking every few seconds just to see if someone's texted me. Fucking Vodafone have new offers. If you were like, oh, balls to your offers. I want friends, that's what I want on offers. When you text, you text crap. What are you watching? What are you? What are you watching? Big brother, so am I. I know, we're in the same room. Send, send. What are you doing? I'm sending this. Got a full signal. Send. I've got to get out of here. Send. Answer machines and old people, that's not a good combination, I find. Whenever my nan rings, beep, hello Peter, it's your nana. Hello, hello, hello. Don't like these bloody things. Hello, Peter, I don't think he's there, I can't hear him. Hello, hello, it's your grandad. Hello, it's your grandad. He's here, I can't hear him. Well, why is that back door open? Well, what, are you defrosted? Ten minutes of your machine needs to have a conversation. Forget Walker. Our answering machine at home says, please leave your name and number after the beep. Hello, my name is mum, and my number. What, you're not going to know your own mum? My mum called us home for her birthday, and I keep saying, when we've had a conversation and you want to hang up, you've got to push the red button, right? Do we not just put it back in its holster? It's what? Holster? It's a phone, not a gun, what are you on about? Push the red button, because if you don't push it, you've not hung up, you're still on the line. And I can't make a call from our house, because I can still hear you in the front room of your house talking to Pat about menopause, and I can't. Pat, Pat, actually, I've tried HRT, Pat, I've tried HRT. Can you hear voices? Can you hear that, can you hear voices? That's a HRT, Pat, that's a HRT. It's not, it's us, the borrowers, put the phone down. We're over here, it's skirting boards. I tell you, if it's not Walfing, it's your mother. Is that Peter Kaye's mum's bungalow? Yeah, he's there, look. I like your mum's bungalow. Is that Freddie Mercury? Yeah, she's obsessed with him, they had it painted for her birthday. Are you doing any more shows? Hey, I've no choice, she wants it all now. Is that a gold toilet? Why, you want to see a B-day?