Al Murray Live

Cheers! Come here, mate. Welcome, you all right there, pal? That's ******* beautiful. Good afternoon. Welcome. Hey, you all right there? Fellow there, what's your name, pal? Paul. Paul. Beautiful British name. What do you do, Paul? You work for a large financial company. Is it a Scottish bank? Is it? No, what is it then? Standard Life. Small print, you ******. Hey! Is this your missus? Is this your missus or somebody who got insured? Yes, your missus. Fantastic. Look, there's a baby in the foot. Look at this! Hey! You all right there? You all right, sweetheart? Yeah? You all right there? Yeah? You might not like some of the language in this show. Fantastic. Are you the mum? What's the baby called? Lily? Let's give a round of applause for little Lily here. Come on. Hey! That's beautiful. I think it's a beautiful thing to see a child in a pub. Because I think you should cut start kids as early as possible on the ******* booth. Because they're wetting themselves and throwing up anyway. Fuck it, cut out. Cut out the intervening 18 years. Fucking beautiful. Well done, darling. Beautiful. Well, good afternoon. The fellow there in the training shoes but without actual laces on. With the Velcro. You can't cope with laces. What's your name, sir? Sam. Sam. What do you do, Sam? Just finished school. Just finished school? What, A-levels? Yeah. Yeah? What did you get? Do you know? No. No? Can't tie his own laces. And he doesn't know what he got in his A-levels. Good luck, son. Hey! Do you want a pint, by the way, young man? Do you want a pint, young man? Would you like a pint? Yeah, would you like a pint? Let me buy you a pint, yeah? And the boys, do you want a pint, boys? Yeah? Fucking beautiful. Yeah, Sam, what's your name with the ears? What's your name? Hey? Ross. Beautiful British name, yeah? Barry. Barry, classic, yeah? Bob. Ross, Barry and Bob. That's a ******* beautiful name. Hey, how's that, lunchtime drinking? Beautiful, ******* beautiful. Hey, yeah. Soft handshake, though, you poof. Now, there you are. Right, Sam. Sam, go to the bar, son. Yeah, go to the bar, yeah? Four pints of lager and get me a half of Guinness. Will you do that for me? Yeah. Go on, run along quick as you can. Hey, yeah. It's just a boy, leave him alone. Get some food. Steady. Now, what we're doing this afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, is I will be performing for you, or rather speaking to you, on the subjects of 1996. This is the stuff I was doing in Edinburgh, yeah, 13 ******* years ago. Maybe I'll be able to remember it, maybe I won't. We're going to find out. Lab with the long hair. What's your name, son? Chris. What did you do for a living, Chris? You just finished school. A-levels? Do you know what your results are? Yeah. You see, it's that easy, isn't it? What did you get? A B and two Cs. But I thought it was impossible to get anything other than a ******* A. In what? What subjects, young man? History. History! Good boy. What's your favourite year? It's 1945. History. What else? English. Good boy. In Scotland, I like it. What else? Computing. Is that the one you got the C in? Yeah. W, W, W. Sorry, Lily. You're beautiful. It's a beautiful occasion. It's a beautiful room. Fantastic to be here this afternoon, yeah? Because I like special occasions in my gaff. I'd like to put on a special occasion. We had a fantastic charity night the other night. We raised over £200 for a very good cause. Thank you. I'm not asking for your applause, but it's worth it. Thank you. Thank you, Ross. Thank you, Ross, Barry and Bob. Raised over £200 for a very good cause. We raised over £200. Over £200 raised. Come on. Put your money in the ******* bucket. We raised over £200 for Guide Dogs to the Blind. Thank you. You can clap that too. Over £200 raised for Guide Dogs to the Blind. That's impressive, isn't it, Ross? Yeah? Barry, Bob, impressed. Impressed? Ross, Barry and Bob, are you impressed? It's like a xylophone, isn't it? Fucking beautiful. Like that. That one's sticky, that one's sweaty, and that one's just... Fantastic. Ross, Barry and Bob. Now, the point is, we raised over £200 for Guide Dogs to the Blind. Thank you. That's worth a round of applause. Over £200 raised for Guide Dogs to the Blind. Thank you. Thank you, bearded men. Thank you. Over £200 raised. What we did, brilliant, what we did basically, is we had a dog fight. It was ******* brilliant. Because those Labradors really ******* go for each other if you can get enough cider and cocaine into them. It's incredible. And their frames get locked together. At the end of the evening, one of the dogs was blinded and had to be shown home, which gave the whole thing an ironic twist. Of course you can. Yes, you can. Good boy, Sam. I've got him. There you go. Of course you can. That's it. Ross, Barry and Bob. There you go, Ross. Ross. Barry. There's my half in the middle there. This is a good bit of kit, isn't it? You can throw up in that afterwards. There you go. Sort that out yourself. Give us the change. Ross has gone up since 96. Now, this Guinness, the reason I've ordered a half of Guinness, got the young man here. Thanks for that, Sam. Nice work. You've got a future if you can go to the bar and come back with the right drinks. Regardless of your A-level results. The point is, the reason I've asked for a half of Guinness this afternoon is this afternoon, one of the things I will be doing is attempting, live on stage, I'm going to push my body to the absolute ******* limit. Because what I'm going to do, live on stage this afternoon, is an attempt, I will attempt, live on stage, to acquire a taste for Guinness. Do we have any Guinness drinkers here this afternoon? Anyone at all? Yeah, the fat man there, yes. The fat, bald man. See what it's done to him. Look. It's tearing his body apart. His hair is falling out. He's even wearing a shirt that says Hooters to demonstrate that he has Hooters. Fucking unbelievable. What's your name, wrecked fellow? What's your name, sir? Brian. Brian, yeah. And what were you, six foot four before you started drinking Guinness? How long did it take you to acquire a taste for Guinness? Four pints? Fuck off, it took you years. You still don't like it? Not really, no one likes it. Ross, do you like it? Barry, do you like it? Bob, you don't like it, yeah? Ross, Barry and Bob don't like it, yeah? The ordinary yeoman of ******* Scotland has spoken. It's disgusting, isn't it? It's disgusting. Good boys. Now, the point is, do you drink Guinness, sir? What's your name, pal? Gary. God, this is beautiful. Ross, Barry, Boss and Gary. What do you do, gal? Drive a cab. You drive a cab. God bless you, that's why you sat in the front of the course. How did you get here? Taxi. How did you get home? Taxi. I like it. Nice one. Who have you brought with you? These ladies? These beautiful ladies here? The beautiful lady there. What's your name, darling? Josie. What do you do, Josie? You still at school? School girl. It's been a year. Now, the point is, I will attempt to acquire a taste. Gary, do you drink Guinness? No. It's disgusting, isn't it? No one likes it. You say you do, but you don't. No one. No one ******* likes it. But I will attempt, live on stage, to acquire a taste for that. It's quite something, isn't it? The skinny lads there. There's very skinny boys. Three skinny boys at the front here. Eat some chips, for Christ's sake. In the middle, what's your name? John. John, please eat. What do you do, John? I just finished college. You've just finished college? A-levels? What did you get? Two As and a B. Two As, a B and a C? Ooh! I remember when it was possible to fail your ******* exams. Now, the point is, you didn't just send them back because you didn't like the way they were marked. Now, you ever drunk Guinness? Yeah. Do you like it? Not really. No. It's disgusting, isn't it? But I will attempt, live on stage. There's no one else offering this kind of value for ******* money. There's no freak show in town where people are sticking needles in their eyes. I will attempt, live on stage, to acquire a taste for this lady who looks unimpressed. What's your name, darling? Margaret. What do you do, Maggie? You're self-employed? Doing what? You're an artist. Oh, wow. That's beautiful, isn't it? What would you like? Actual paintings? Do you like crap in a bucket and call it The Decline of Western Civilisation Part 4? You do a bit of that, do you? Instillations. You instill a ****-off. Now, the point is... Is that your husband with you? What's your name, squire? Stuart. What do you do, Stuart? I'm a project analyst. A project analyst? Ooh. And what projects have you analysed today? I've been off. You've been off, haven't you? And the projects carried on without you analysing them, didn't they? Yep. Non-essential ******* personnel. Now, before we go... Have we got any Australians in this afternoon? Any Aussies in? There must be an Australian here, because I'm looking for bar staff. There must be. And we want to rub their noses upon the ******* asses. It's fantastic, isn't it? Oh, you jocks don't care, of course. Now, the point is... I love Australians. We haven't got any in at all. I love them. They're beautiful people, genetically engineered for bar work. I don't know if you knew that. On the outstretched palm, the Australian male can hold 18 pints of lager. With webbing between the fingers for spillage. That's right. Here's a marsupial pouch on the stomach for carrying the Bombay mix. It's ******* incredible. Four extra vertebrae so he can curl up and sleep under a sink in a pub kitchen. Fucking amazing people. And I love Australians because they do not **** about. Do they? You only have to look at their TV programmes to understand Australians, right? Australian TV programmes. Neighbours! Right? What's that about? It's about neighbours, isn't it? It's not an ounce of ******* fat on that, is there? Neighbours. It's about neighbours. They called it Neighbours. Fucking beautiful. Young doctors. It's got doctors in and they're young. Fucking brilliant. Flying doctors. The doctors can fly, Gary. It's that simple. They have let themselves down with Home and Away. It's not about football matches. But I love Australians. Do you like that beautiful lady here? What's your name, my love? Eleanor. What do you do, Eleanor? I work for Children's. You work for Special Needs Children's? Fucking beautiful. So what? On holidays, though? They're on holidays now? They're on holidays with Special Needs kids so they get holidays as well? Who's this? Is this your husband? Your partner, what? Your boyfriend? What's your name, pal? Paul. What do you do, Paul? I work for Special Needs. You work for Special Needs Children's? Fucking beautiful. The two of them relying on people with disabilities for a living. How do you feel about that? Hey! Parasites. Now, the point is do-gooders. Now, the truth is the truth is this. I love Australians, though because what they did over 200 years ago they got all the naughty cockneys together and let's face it there's quite a few naughty cockneys, yeah? They gathered all the naughty cockneys together and they crammed them into a boat and sent them off around the world. Off they went, love-a-duck, love-a-duck, right round past the Cape of Good Hops up round past Malaria and they came round and landed in a town called Sydney James, yeah? And they all hopped out it's not called that anymore and they all hopped out but all the cockneys hopped out and went, oh, **** me look at this ******* town it's all rocks, isn't it? And sand what's the ******* point of this? You look at me, you cunt there was a fight immediately because there was some cockneys in a place therefore there was a fight, yeah? It's an algebraic law of nature A, that's cockneys B, that's a place C, that's a fight So we can have some fun with the sums here because A plus B which is cockneys added to a place equals C, a fight it's obvious, isn't it? Now we can mess about with these numbers can't we, Josie? Because if you do C minus A which is a fight without the cockneys that's just a place, isn't it? And then C minus B which is a fight without a place that's just cockneys, isn't it? In a sort of vacuum going, **** off you're looking at me Oi! Oi! Won't you call my mum how much do you want to flack the car? Now, the point is C over A which is a fight divided by cockneys don't know what that is that never happens they just pile in Now, the point is what they do whatever they do every autumn they take all the young Aussies to one side they take them to one side they sit them down they say to the children it is time for the great journey and the young Australians look up the whole litter looks up because they're born in litters of six and the youngest runty one becoming a gobby batsman and they all look up they all look up at their father and go, yeah dad what's the plan? and they gather the young Australian children together and they cram them into any means of transport they can boat, plane, campervan stuff them in and they send them all the way back across this world all the way back to Great Britain to London as an annual tribute their first born children sent every year as an annual tribute to the motherland of booze from which they originally came and I say cheers cheers to those Australian super cockneys back behind bars where they belong can't argue with that now, thank you very much the long lad there the very long lad look at you long ******* what was your name son? Andrew Andrew, what did you do Andy? Student Student, what are you studying? Computing Computing, good boy did you get a C in it? No No? What, B and A? It's easy isn't it? Fucking easy just look up the answers on Google which didn't exist in 1996 what else? Physics oh yeah, nerd alert what else? Math, job done my algebra was right you had to cross them off when you moved them over don't you? you cross them off when you move them over good boy do you drink Guinness? No no because it's disgusting isn't it? let's face it it's disgusting you ever been to France? yeah yeah? what was it like? horrible come here get a ******* haircut come here two words for you mate national and service oh yeah I'm all for it now I'm too old to actually have to do it obviously flat feet asthma cowardice you know this the quality of pub fighting has declined dramatically since national service has got rid of that's a fact did you know this? it's a ******* fact what could be more beautiful than the sight of your own face caught in reflection in the toe cap of a beautifully polished boot just as it ploughs into your own face that is ******* poetry like this pint that's a beautiful beautiful look at that what's your name sir? Raymond Raymond? beautiful old school what did you do Ray? an architect ooh like the building? ooh it's beautiful you didn't design it though oh **** off then sat there claiming these your wives? you've got fantastic two loft conversions what's your name darling? Anne beautiful British name what did you do Anne? you work with Raymond you're married to each other and you work together no what then? what's going on? I'm trying to sniff something out here you're not what? you just work with him so this lady are you with Raymond? no who are you with? you're on your own pint's a beautiful thing it looks like it looks like a shaft of summer sun caught in a crystal prison look at that Bob Barry and Bob Ross Barry and Bob have you drunk yours already? **** you thirsty jock bastards pint's though because that's the rule isn't it? pint for the fella glass of white wine fruit based drink for the lady now don't judge me for saying that I'm not saying it's right I'm not saying it's wrong it's just the way things ******* are right? it's like the way all men stop at a zebra crossing to let a lady across in the hope that somewhere down the line she'll remember that and shag him all men do it all men they can't help themselves whoever they are the Pope even boy George ******* does it and he doesn't know why it's just the way things ******* are it's like the way no matter how right on you might be when you drive through Stockwell in South London you lock your ******* doors don't you? it doesn't matter how politically correct you are you lock your ******* doors no matter who you are it's the way things are it's like the way no straight fella in the world Ross, Barry and Bob and I'm assuming that no straight fella in the world would allow the thought into his brain of the fella business get out whereas the idea of two young ladies together it's like the way Michael Portillo can be defence secretary but we can't have gay people in the army it's the way things ******* are and in 96 that ******* tore the roof off now the point is this the point is this the point is this though it's the way things are that pint is a sacrosanct part of British culture isn't it? every pint glass belongs to Her Majesty the Queen that's why they bear that little crown on them that's why you get thrown out of a pub if you break a glass because it's an act of ******* treason she owns the pint glasses and the swans in that order now the point is the French don't want that do they though? and they're mad the French aren't they? what are they? you can do better than that I know it's one o'clock and we haven't started drinking quite yet apart from the boys here keeping the flame burning Ross, Barry and Bob and little Sam how's your Ribena? do you like a pint? do you like a pint Sam? because the thing kids these days they don't know they're born do they? they don't know they're born do they kids? do they? the older gentleman in this evening the other fellow there what's your name old pups? what's your name? Bill that's Bill what did you do Bill? in the war what did you do Bill? I'm still working it's the only thing that's keeping me alive what do you what do you do then Bill? I'm a duty manager in the airport it's the only job I can get now the point is instead of being cute now the truth is the thing is Bill I like you mate I like you but kids don't know they're born do they these days? they don't know they're born well they do because their dad's ******* videoed it but the point is they don't know they're born because kids these days they drink Alcapops now the whole point of beer let's be honest now is that it's disgusting isn't it? and we all remember that first pint Sam's drinking his now we all remember that first pint that first pint when we walk in at the bar we've got our dad's jacket on and a signet ring and we're trying to act up our age and we go over to the bar and we go a pint please and one for me mates we're about 15 years old and he pours the pint looking at you suspiciously you successfully lie about your age by faking the year you were born genius now the point is they hand you that pint you look at this pint and you think right here I go I'm on the threshold of adulthood I'm about to cross over into becoming a man the hair will sprout from my chest the women will find me attractive this is it I'm on the cusp of manhood you get that pint and you go here we go here we go fellas first one down the hatch what a **** disgusting let's be honest now beer isn't very nice is it and that's why ladies men drink so much beer because they're looking for that one final pint that they'll actually enjoy and then they'll be able to ******* stop but you lightweights with your alcapops **** you now shall we have a look at the Guinness shall we have a go at the Guinness shall I give it a go ok now if I can successfully acquire a taste for Guinness you're all going to win some Guinness you up for that ok even though it's rendered you looking like a troll of some kind here we go stand by don't drink it in Ireland they don't drink it in Ireland you walk in a pub in Ireland they're not ******* drinking they've got lager and tea on and they're talking about poetry aren't they well I like what you're saying about narrative form being too rigorous discipline to maintain but if we remove it where does that leave us as storytellers that's a standard conversation in an Irish pub yeah that's right diddly diddly squiddly biddly right and if you're an Englishman who walks in an Irish pub and by the way in Ireland they don't have ******* Irish pubs do they they just have pubs don't they in Ireland for ****'s sake now I don't want a lucky blarney wishing well in the Gents I don't want it or a bicycle in the window or a sign at the Galway when I'm nowhere near ******* Galway right and unread books in a fiberglass packaging on the ******* wall brewery right okay here we go now when you walk in an Irish pub you walk in you've done this boys you've been to Dublin the skinny boys in search of food did you eat anything in Dublin say you ate something in Dublin worried about your son look at you you're collapsing on yourself your mate in the brown what's your name Paul what do you do Paul he's doing as well yeah what are you studying maths computing and that's it this is a proper nerd cluster isn't it did you all meet online on all dot all dot lonely bloke dot UK which is your favourite moon landing **** off now so I think Apollo 15 was most viable scientifically right here we come because when you walk in an Irish pub as an Englishman what happens yeah is they all suddenly get the Guinness out they get out a violin they start singing those folk songs don't they they took our land we got it back but not quite all of it it's more complicated than that right so I mean there's loyal isn't there I am loyal let's be honest now you look over in Northern Ireland it's out of control there's loyal I am loyal I love the Queen and not just out of mindless loyalty I fancy her as well I do because they're all dirty those German birds now the point is I bet she takes up the wrong one well he is Greek now the point is the point is where was I I've thrown myself with that no no simple truth is you go to the bar sir the big man good man yeah across he goes look at that that's gravity at work that's not legs is it now no no we're going to deal with that you gave me the single finger there sir we refuse to accept that that is not currency in this bar both fingers or not at all more more on that later now the point is the point is there's loyal isn't there there's loyal and there's loyaler than that and then there's ******* loyalists isn't there I mean it's not competition is it they need to calm down those orange men they need to eat some chips before they go out so they slow down and think think a little later do you agree Gary ok here we go stand by here we go it's never been done on stage before this ever right I mean you've been on the planet for over four millennia and you've you've never heard of such a thing have you Bill no I've finished those pyramids can I go now ok here we go don't know why they keep trying to figure out stone ends you know don't you just ask Bill where they got the ******* stone from here we go stand by here we go stand by right you ready yeah yeah big blub ok here we go this is dangerous nope that's not happening is it ******* hell tell you what during that some of it went up into my sinus touched my brain yeah I had visions of a horse running through a disused tenement block in Dublin people playing hockey and a woman with red hair was refusing sex with me now the point is but the French are mad that's where we were before I interrupted but the French are mad what are they you can do better than that what are they mad it's like being Hitler this now the point is the French the French are mad right and currently you know the French have got some plans that pint is a beautiful thing and the French don't want you and me drinking pints if it was up to the French they'd replace that pint glass with a litre of beer is that what you want do you want a litre yeah and not only that the beer in France is cheaper which means you go to that bar and you come back with more beer than you wanted for less ******* money back off Brussels now and then you take a look at what they've done to the loaf of bread the humble British loaf of bread invented by us the British in some strange dream English dream time Churchill Ray Davis for the kinks Nelson and King Arthur sat down together and invented the loaf of bread turning and Churchill said well it must be white and Nelson said it must be square like that King Arthur muttered crusty that's all he said crusty like that Ray Davis said slice the ******* thing and as a result the loaf of bread was invented look what the French done they stretched it out into a vast long disgusting turd is that is that what you want for breakfast skinny boys eat something for Christ's sake in fact are there crisps have you got crisps at the bar have we got crisps at the bar I'm going to go and get some ******* crisps from the bar for this boy give me some crisps I can't bear it he's too thin have you got crisps yeah three packs is fantastic I owe you for those yeah we've got prawn cocktail there we go do you like prawn cocktail lads because that's all there ******* is but eat them I want you to eat all three packs of crisps before this show has ended do you understand me there you go good boy get back in now now the simple thing is I think we should pity the French man do not mock him right pity the French man do not mock him because he is at a permanent disadvantage compared to us right because the French man he's like you and me on the inside because on the inside the French man of course thinks in English right because everyone thinks in English don't they of course they ******* do everyone thinks in English it's the natural language of the human brain that's why when you go abroad if you shout loud enough in English their brain reverberates it's original frequency they understand your precise meaning of course waving fists and money helps now the point is everyone thinks in English this is why the French are at a permanent disadvantage because whenever they want to speak to one another they've got to translate from the English in their brain to the French in their gob as a result they're always one step behind us that's why French people go because they're fumbling for the words the entire ******* time it's a fact if you kick a Frenchman on the shins and trust me I've road tested this if you kick a Frenchman on the shins he looks puzzled for a moment before he says anything because he's got to think of the ******* words that's why they're always a split second behind us this is what this is what happens this is the mental process in the French brain when a Frenchman stubs his toes walking up the boulevard strolling along the boulevard thinking about naked ladies I expect walking along and he stubs his toe and he thinks to himself oh bloody hell I've stubbed my bloody toe in English he thinks that then he gets to work a second later zut alors j'ai blessé mon pied like that now this is why Germans though appear to be tougher than everybody else it's not that they actually are tougher than anyone else it's just that German is a bastard language to learn has anyone here ever learned German? anyone at all? you have Barry you spent four years in Germany speaking German a little bit because it's difficult learning it you've got to know what you're going to say at the end of the sentence before you even start the ******* beginning haven't you? imagine having to cope with that before breakfast that's of course why the Germans put cold cuts out the night before now the point is and this is why this is why Germans appear to be tougher than us because a British person if we're cold we just say it we think it we say it we don't have to translate straight away **** me it's parky like that straight away if it's pissing down in Edinburgh if it's pissing down in Edinburgh it's pissing down in Edinburgh that's all I have to do **** it's ******* raining job done like that German German has to think he has to translate into German and it's a bastard language to learn the German walking up the stressor like this possibly with a brisker step than the Frenchman now don't judge me for saying that it's just the way things ******* are he's walking up so he's right he's walking up the stressor stubs his toe he thinks to himself oh bloody hell I've stubbed my bloody toe in English then he gets to work right toe god what the ******* hell is that I can't remember I really should have paid attention in German didn't I right okay well I'll go for foot fuss that'll do fuss right so fuss that goes towards the end but I'm not sure yet if it's the last thing in the sentence now I need a bloody Eldonite Donner and Blitzen that'll cover it Acton Spitfire no longer appropriate right so Donner and Blitzen right now I have well that's Ick Harbour isn't it it's always Ick Harbour it's always ******* Ick Harbour right so Donner and Blitzen Ick Harbour right stubbed what would that be what would stub be oh **** it I'll make one up gestubbed that sounds pretty good gestubbed I'll put that on the end that goes on the end now I've got the end now brilliant OK all I need now is the my to go with the fuss oh Christ what is it masculine feminine or neuter there's three shit they've only got two in French oh I wish I was French masculine feminine or neuter well masculine that's men feminine that's women and ships neuter that's stuff and things a fuss just a thing minus fuss that'll do so it's Donner and Blitzen Ick Harbour minus fuss gestubbed better do it in a German accent though to be convincing Donner and Blitzen Ick Harbour minus fuss gestubbed but by the time our German friend has figured out what to say in his Teutonic tongue what's happened the pain has left his foot hasn't it it's gone and there's really no point in drawing attention to the fact he stubbed his foot in the first place yeah and that is why Germans appear to be tougher than us it's not that they actually are and that whole time he's pulling this face that's not him holding the pain down that's him bogged down with grammar that's all can't argue with that now right shall I give it another shall I give it another go give me a drumroll give me a bloody drumroll come on drumroll fantastic here we go three that's simply not going to happen and you win it you win it if I acquire taste for it it's alright I'm over the Hep C that's the one you put two extra vests on turn up the heating sweat out on a weekend but I think I mean here we are we're having a drink together having a drink together at lunchtime it's a beautiful thing midweek lunchtime drinking that is hardcore hey country amigos ******* beautiful that's hardcore it's your round by the way off you go it's your round off you go same again bad boy come back you the German one go schnell schnell macken links vets links vets come on give us a can no both fingers but here we are having a pint is this a church would you say this is a church Raymond you're the architect you're the ******* architect is this a church yeah well I can tell that I didn't spend 7 years at college either now what is beautiful ladies there the brunette lady what's your name darling Felicity oh right ok we're in Edinburgh aren't we my name's Felicity I'm poor what do you what do you do Felicity you're a critic ooh no so am I you're like shit yourself for me now what is this see it hurts doesn't it when people say nasty judgmental things based on not very much now the now the truth is who's your friend with you the other beautiful blonde lady what's your name love Melissa Felicity Melissa God doesn't get any better than that does it what do you do Melissa you've just left school A levels at what standard grades what's that is that Scottish what do you get in your standard grades three twos three threes and and a four bingo what is what is this we're having a drink in a church at lunch time it's a beautiful thing I think beer is the source of all human ******* wisdom right I'm sticking my neck out here right yeah beer you'd agree with this wouldn't you Bill because I mean the bible let's be honest now the bible was written by people who were pissed let's just be let's just be honest right now and say that straight out the bible was written by drunk people now the bible of course is an old book written a long time ago by some blokes therefore it is true that's what people say now of course the Haynes manual for my Dame the Sovereign is an old book written a long time ago by some blokes and the tyre pressures in that book are wrong and that undermines the bible for me now the point is the point is I mean look at the ten commandments the ten commandments look at the ten commandments what are the ten commandments they're not the ten things you don't want to do they're the ten things you want to ******* do on a Friday aren't they tell people to **** off tell your mum to get stuff **** someone else's wife steal murder and do something to an ass that no one can quite pin down that's the point yeah Bill you've done all those things on a Friday that's a proper Friday that's a proper Friday night isn't it of biblical proportions you you and ten mates out on the piss yeah Sam imagine having ten mates imagine five mates let's go for four two you're out with your imaginary friends and it's a brilliant ******* night drinking Ribena getting rekt now the point is oh here he comes look at this he's one of those for me oh bless you eh thank you very much yeah of course he comes yeah you got one for the boy as well do you want one for the boy you got one for the boy round of applause now the point is the ten commandments obviously what happened is Moses went out with his mates didn't he one Friday Moses goes out with his mates he says right boys yeah I've got a plan I've got a plan we're going to do these ten things tonight it's going to be ******* brilliant right and meanwhile he pops the toilet at one point he pops the toilet and they all go Moses the law giver and stuff like that he's a top bloke he goes up every single girl and goes do you want a burning bush he's a bit forward he was a bit forward now it doesn't work that one by the way he goes to never works he goes to the toilet and while he's in the toilet his mates as a practical joke do something that changes human history forever because what Moses had done he'd got out a couple of beer mats and he'd written down the ten things he wanted to do that night and while he was in the bog they quickly as a practical joke write the word not into each and every one of them now beer mats back then were made of stone as a result they were indelible the nots went into human history and we have the ten commandments and the ten things we can't do now that's not a practical joke in my view a practical joke I don't know if you agree with this a practical joke in my view should be something that is both practical and funny that's a practical joke selling the Eiffel Tower to someone is not a practical joke it's neither practical nor funny selling it for scrap that's a different ******* matter but the point is at least you could have built a battleship out of that thing what a tragic waste of metal now the point is this a proper practical joke in my humble opinion would be to do something like change the wheel of your car if you get a puncture but do it dressed as a clown that would be both practical and funny wouldn't it you get a flat you pull over I better put the ******* clown suit on you get the clown suit on you put the wig on you get the nose like that the big thing big feet out you go like that squirty squirt and do the that is a practical joke isn't it look at the extent to which we're all laughing about that idea it's a practical ******* joke now but whoever wrote the Gospels was definitely drunk you can't argue with that proposition look at the Gospels what is it the Gospels is four different versions of the same events now that is four blokes on the piss Saturday morning they sit down they try and figure out what went on the night before and they've got aching gaps in their knowledge due to the alcohol haven't they you've got Matthew, Mark, Luke and John Goss the four Goss brothers two of whom went on to pop fame with Bross and they sit down and they go yeah Luke do you remember how Jesus got across the canal no I can't remember I was in the bogs being sick at the time I had no idea he must have he must have walked yeah that would be it and how many and how many people had lunch that day oh there was about 5,000 he bought fish and chips for 5,000 people definitely 5,000 and that's how it happened now Jesus was obviously British he was a great bloke he was born in a pub called the King's Head in Bethnal Green everyone knows that he was born he was born in a lounge bar as it happens not the snug bar not the saloon not the public bar not the private bar of course not it was packed wasn't it it was Christmas Eve for ****'s sake busiest night of the year isn't it stupid and the three kings the three kings as everyone knows were the three blokes from the King's Head that's who they really were because they had a whip round they did Lily they had a whip round they got a goat bought the little baby Jesus Christ gold frankincense and myrrh now gold of course was the signet ring for his finger for his pinky nice touch they had it engraved decorated they didn't it was tactless in the long run they had J.C. putting it with a little cross which turned out to be tactless in the long run frankincense which is an early light ale but a bit hoppy in my view and myrrh which is a pewter tankard with the words to Jesus Henry Christ from everyone at the King's Head stay lucky what? and he stayed lucky didn't he coming back from the dead that's ******* lucky isn't it and Jesus of course what he did he put a tenner on himself coming back from the dead million to one on Thursday Monday morning picks up his winnings ten million quid and on that money the church was founded job done there we are so let's just try again shall we try again drum roll please drum roll there we go yeah it's alright there you go mate look at what it's done to him Jesus take a seat sir now the you're beautiful people have you got have you got kids Raymond no alright ok well with some arrangement going on here which precludes children plainly have you got kids Josie yeah just Josie and a son what's the boy's name Sam I haven't seen my son now for eight years so thanks for bringing that up you heartless ****** cos you might not know this you might you might not know you might not know this but I haven't seen my boy now for eight years cos eight eight years ago my wife my ex-wife I can say that now without a spike of psychopathic rage my ex-wife ran off with a with a French bloke yeah and I haven't seen my boy now for eight years and a lad needs his dad doesn't he a lad needs his dad doesn't he doesn't he Ray he needs his dad Gary he needs his dad a lad needs his dad doesn't he a lad needs his dad my dad was a beautiful man he was ruined though he was ruined in the early 80s what he did was he put all his savings into a concept called the drive-in pub and then actually strangely he was fucked now the point is the point is a lad needs his dad doesn't he my dad had many wise sayings he said life is like a ploughman's lunch you never know what you're gonna get it could be cheddar it could be double Gloucester wise he also said you should never fight a cyclops on a Friday night now that is really ******* good advice right but the rest of the week you can punch a cyclops and cos he's only got one eye he's got no depth of vision so he'll never land one back on you but on a Friday night if he's pissed and seen double he'll always ******* connect so never fight a cyclops on a Friday night now my boy I haven't seen him now for eight years and he's been raised by a Frenchman a man called Jean-Francois who's the governor of a pub we were twinned with called La Tête du Roi just outside Paris now I haven't seen my boy for eight years and he's been raised by a Frenchman and I'm worried that he's losing touch with British tradition like some of you are cos the big fella there as he drifted over to the bar gave him the single finger now yeah you did didn't you so there's two big fellas I was momentarily confused by the twin moons of planet Edinburgh now the point is you gave me that now that is not an appropriate gesture that is the correct ******* insult and I'm worried that my boy being raised by a Frenchman is not in touch with his heritage with his culture cos this is you eating those crisps have you eaten all three bags already good boy this is the finest insult in the world it is the finest insult gesture in the world cos it's a simple thing you can aim it you lock the bloke's head between the fingers like that and you go **** off like that **** off we understand one another perfectly now don't we **** off I'm using you for the sake of example son alright it just happens you're a skinny bastard **** off like that now the reason this is such a good insult of course is cos it's like a yin and yang symbol it's two different sides of the same thing co-existing on two different sides of the same thing yeah cos that side says **** off but that side says peace I love you that's why it's such a good insult for as I tell the boy here to **** off what am I saying to myself peace I love you it makes me feel good about myself and about insulting him try it you'll feel good it'll give you a warm and a glow everyone tell him to **** off give him his fingers come on everyone all together now **** off everybody come on where are you come on **** off that feels fantastic doesn't it but there's a fatal flaw isn't there cos if I change my mind and say to him peace son I love you what am I doing I'm telling myself to **** off and that is why peace will never last now the simple truth is this is the best insult gesture in the world now the Americans they use that thing it's like the dollar to the pound it's not worth half is it that and this gesture won us the second world war it did Churchill comes out of Downing Street **** off Hitler he says like that Hitler goes **** off back at him but scissors cut paper don't they the Russians of course give it the communist stone like that the Germans rat the ******* Russians so we had to come to their rescue the Americans meanwhile doing that which is useless what is the use what can you use that for I've no idea it's been a year now the truth is truth is my boy though I'm worried that he's not grown up in touch with his culture do you tell your boy Sam do you tell him you love him don't don't tell your children show them show don't tell is life's greatest lesson show don't tell never tell them you love them never show them I'm worried that my boy eight years now I'm worried because the day left the day she took him he comes out the house the boy comes out the house and he runs up to him and he goes **** off dad **** off like that he was only four at the time I said no son it's **** off dad well not at all and he turns to me and he goes **** off dad like that and at that moment I knew that he loved me because he'd shown me he didn't tell me I missed my point that's all it's been a difficult week now the truth is truth is though you're beautiful people it's beautiful drinking with you today it's been an interesting week for me because Tuesday afternoon I saved someone's life yeah I did thank you I think that's worth applause I Tuesday Tuesday afternoon I saved a man's life Ross Barry and Bob I did one of my regular drinkers he'd come in the pub he said right it's my 50th birthday today and I'm going to drink a pint of lager for every single year of my life right now it's quite a big drinking session he kicked off his shoes he put on slippers first which is what every publican dreams of now I knew if he completed his marathon session not only would I be in clear profit for that week off that afternoon's drinking alone which is a good thing but not only that he would get into the British and Commonwealth land beer record that's what he'd win that formally held by an Australian now the truth is I knew when he'd quit I knew that he'd be able to do it but I could tell it was going to be tricky so I was on guard I was ready I was ready for a hiccup he gets to about his 15th pint and it all starts to go wrong he has a ******* heart attack there and then in my gaff he puts his pint down before he's cleared the glass and there's obviously a problem it starts to writhe writhe I knew I knew your face from somewhere. He's writhing on me, he's writhing, writhing like that. So I gather myself together and suddenly I'm as cool as a cucumber at a ploughman's lunch. Because I know how to deal with a heart attack situation, because I'm an expert on first aid, I am. I used to be an ambulance driver, I tell you I got the job, I went along for the interview, I was half an hour late, they said, well done, you're just the bloke we're looking for, congratulations. I said, I'm sorry, I got stuck in traffic, they said, **** me, he's done his homework, that's very impressive. But I'm an expert on first aid, because we've got a chef, for instance, I know what to do in crisis situations. If my chef, and I've got a new chef, he's 17, he's very keen, he's got his own knives, but he's too keen. Because the other day I caught him putting garlic, garlic, yeah, garlic in the Lancashire hot pot. That's bang out of order, isn't it? I said, what are you doing? It's not called Lancashire, is it? There's no tiny hats on those hoes, give me that garlic press and leave. Now, if he were, for instance, to chop his fingers off in the kitchen, preparing a ploughman's lunch in a hurry, if he was to do that, lop his fingers off, I know exactly how to deal with that situation. You get the fingers, you gather them together, you rush to the freezer. This is what you have to do, you rush to the freezer, get the freezer lid open, pack in the frozen peas, pack in the frozen chips, go back to the deep fat fryer, cook them up in batter, little bit of tartar sauce, fantastic. Now, the point is, this guy, he's writhing on the floor, I'm telling you stories, he's writhing on the ******* floor. So I'm fortunately prepared for a heart attack situation. What I always have behind the bar for this very emergency, because I watch those health programmes like ER and casualty, I know what to do when there's a heart attack. So I always keep behind the bar two Rowenta steam irons. With a 30 foot flex on them, so they can reach any point in the public bar. He's over there writhing, I get him out, they're in a light cotton steam. So his shirt will come up nice, I leap over the bar, over the bar, with the steam irons, I go over to him, he's writhing, writhing on the floor, I pull up his shirt, in I go, stand clear! Look at that, in I go with the steam irons. Then of course, the light comes on, don't it ladies, the light comes on, you're thinking, oh for ****'s sake, warm up, he's cotton, not wool. Come on, come on, he's dying here, in I go again, he leaps from the floor. Oh Christ! And out came the pork scratch that he was choking on, wasn't a heart attack at all. Saved his ******* life, you can't argue with that. Fortunately, he didn't die of his wounds until he got home. I'll have to go in a minute. Now, you're beautiful people, you've all come out today, and I'll do my fundraisers. I want to feel good, we want to feel good feeling for the end of the show. So what I'd like you to do is... Ross, I want you to help me out here mate, because you're dressed in white clothes like you think you're a superhero. What I thought, it's your buff day, it's your buff day, yesterday. Yeah, well so what then? My birthday next year. I think you're special, just as Batman. Get up here, get up here. So, what we're going to do, you and me, is we're going to re-enact the moment where I presented the cheque to a very good courser over 200 pounds, and your mate's going to take a picture on a Polaroid, because you look absolutely, totally ******* ridiculous. And this moment needs to be immortalised. I mean, look at him, look at what in God's name is going on there. Jesus. You nonce. Right, okay, so, here we go, we've got a giant charity cheque. There you go, there's a giant charity cheque. You hold that, yeah, you can take a Polaroid, can you Sam? Actually, no, he didn't pass his A-levels. Do it for us, Raymond. Now, shake my hand like that, yeah, and look cheesy, go on. Yeah, and we'll all, yeah, like that, yeah, like that. Get on with it! Come on! What? Like that. Do you want that man designing you a house? Don't ******* think so. And another one, go on. Fantastic, take your seat, take your cheque. Picture for you. Picture for me. Right, sit down. Well, I have to go now, ladies and gentlemen. We've managed to make it all the way through 1996 without too many hiccups, didn't forget too much. Tomorrow, a completely different show. Who's coming, anyone coming back tomorrow? Yeah. Yeah, you're coming back tomorrow, yeah, you're going to sit there. Make sure you're sat there, yeah, and we can, you know, we can just talk to each other and ignore everyone else. Like in your taxi. I have done the Guinness. I haven't drunk it yet, no, but I gave it to him. One of the things you need to do, darling, and I'm not being rude here, is pay attention to what's going on. And remember the things that have happened. Now, the... That way it all holds together a lot better. Now, the... I'd like to leave you the words of Jesus, though. Jesus was a great bloke. 12 mates hanging around with him. One of them let him down, though, in the end. Top bloke. Loved his mum, always got his round in. And he said this. And I might go off some and come back on again if we've got time. Right? That's part of the time on a ritual. The... Maybe not, then. Jesus said this. Jesus said this, and I want you to take it with you. Man! Beautiful to have this lovely little chap. Little Lily. God bless you. You're fantastic. Give him back, little girl. Give him back. Look at this. Her first fee sign. Come on, sweetheart. Flicking bees before she could walk. Jesus said this. Man cannot live by beer alone. No. You do have to admire Australia's attempt to prove him wrong. No. He needs crisps and nuts as well, and maybe a nice packet of pork scratchings. Thanks so much for coming today. I hope to see some of you tomorrow, or maybe Friday, Saturday. Thanks for helping me go back in time for one afternoon. I'll see you again. Thanks very much. Appreciate it, guys. Back to the bar! That's very good. Little Sam. Raymond. He's going to give me five ******* stars. What a pleasure it is to be here in Edinburgh. I tell you what, I have travelled far and wide throughout this world. Where's the furthest you've been in your life? Germany. Yeah, okay. Were you soldiers then? No. You are? What, you went to hang out with him? No, that's my brother. That's your brother? All right, let's just not bother with any of this shit. It's boring. Point is, I've travelled far and wide throughout this world. I've been to Brussels, and I've been to Paris. Got on the wrong train for Brussels. Now, the simple truth is... Four cans of Stella on the tube, it can happen. Now, I went on that Eurostar. Now, who here has been on the Eurostar? Show of hands. Yeah? The Eurostar is ******* amazing. Yeah? Raymond, you been on it? It's incredible, mate. Especially on the French side. On the French side, it is so fast. It's like lightning, yeah? It's like a bullet from a rifle barrel. It's like shit off a shovel. It's like this... Like that. It's incredibly... Like that, love, yeah? Like that. Like that, yeah? It's incredibly fast. On the French side. Whereas, on the British side, it's not quite so quick, is it? On the British side, it's not so much like lightning, not like a bullet from a rifle barrel, not one little bit like shit off a shovel. It's not even like a fast train, if we're honest with ourselves. It's more like a clown car, isn't it? Like that. So, this means your journey, London-Paris, Paris-London, always by a return, runs as follows. And then back again. Now... If you want, I'm getting my breath back. Now, there is a ******* good reason for this, and it is not... It is not that Great Britain is a clapped-out country that can't finish a railway line on time. That's not it! No, it's dead simple. Driver, he's British. He's just trying to spend as little time in France as he possibly can. That's right. And that whole time, the moment he comes out of the tunnel at Calais, foot down, comes back to Kent, eases up, kicks back, enjoys the smell of the hops. Because he's only human. Thank you so much again for coming. Have a great time here in Edinburgh, the world's greatest festival, by none. You lucky ******* people to have it on your doorstep. Yeah. Yeah, you are, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah, but I'm not going to ******* see... Come on, I hear all your ******* money. Fuck off. Out of here. Thank you so much for having me this afternoon. I hope to see you again. Please take your glasses. Round for the bar!