Best of Max Amini | Stand Up Comedy

All the way up, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, nothing can stop me, I'm all the way up. Nothing can stop me, I'm all the way up. Indians, where my Indians at? Nice to see you, buddy. I like that guy. What's your name? Sakdik. Sakdik? I appreciate the offer. Thank you so much for coming tonight. I'm sure you're very busy all day. I'm going to talk to you for the rest of the show. You're in a relationship? What's his name? Oh, you're straight? Just Sakdik. I get it. My brother, I love you, man. From the bottom of my heart, you have a great sense of humor, but please, change your name. There's a beautiful Indian name that I can help you with. It's one of my favorite Indian names. Eat Pussy. It's a much better name. Eat Pussy. Much better than Sakdik. Only because you're straight. Now, if you weren't straight, that would have been a perfect name. Wow, you would have been the luckiest gay guy ever. Sakdik? Okay, no problem. What do you do for a living? I suck dick. I'm joking. That was fucked up. I would never ... Max, stop! I'm going to stop. Because you ... I mean ... I love how you're laughing so hard. You're amazing, dude. What's your job? What do you do? You're a? SAP? Do you know what that is? He has no idea. IT? Are you also Indian? She translated for me. Max, I mean, you're stupid. Everybody knows what that is. I tell you, the abbreviation stands for ... Thank you. I appreciate it. Do you know Sakdik? He's the nicest guy in the world. In Australia, when you say your name, do people joke with you? Nobody. They get scared, huh? They're like, oh, shit. Now, mate. He'd run away. I'm nice guy. I'm going to suck my dick. All right. We're going to stop here, okay? Can I be honest? You have superpower with the name Sakdik, you know? To be able to live in a society, English-speaking country, and you're like, no, I'm not going to change my name. I am Sakdik. It's a beautiful Indian name. You don't like it? Suck my dick. And I want to say, I swear to God, Indians, not only the nicest people, but they have the best sense of humor in the motherfucking world, and you're the prime example of it. What a dude, man. Ten minutes we talked about his name, and he didn't even give a shit. How long have you been single? Three months. Three months? Do you want to meet a really nice guy tonight? This guy. I mean, what do you do? Oral surgeon. Nice. Take it easy. I'm picking for you. Trust the professional. She is dead gorgeous. Don't **** this up, Amir. How long have you been single? Five years. You're a good-looking guy. You're oral surgeon. Five years, you couldn't meet anybody to be in a relationship? Why? COVID. COVID? Okay, he's such a nice guy. Because of COVID, five years, he didn't make out with anybody. Are you friends with this guy? Where did you meet the guy, Amir? Residency together because you're all oral surgeons? Was he a nice guy? He was on time. He was professional. Does he know how to orally? He's an oral surgeon. Is he good orally? Yes? You practice all the time. Five years you've been practicing? Wow. So how does it work? Like you have a dummy or something? Good for you. I really like you. Where are you going to take her on your first date? Take her somewhere really nice. I'll pay for the date. Okay? First date is on me. Yeah, absolutely. Clap. Yes. I will pay. And then the following week, I'll come here for oral surgery. Who's that guy? Yes. Hit him. Sir. Hi. Every time I look at this guy, this guy's like this. He's sleeping. It's never happened ever at my shows. This guy came here to destroy my self-confidence. He's like, oh, he's a comedian. I'm going to go sleep in his show. He works a lot. Who the **** are you? He's sleeping from a hole in another seat. He works a lot. You know this guy? Yes. Why are you not sitting next to him? You're scared of him? Sohail, are you on drugs? Did you smoke something? He goes, I couldn't get a hold of any drugs today. Let me ask the problem. I was quite tired, actually. I had a lot of things to do. You had a lot of things to do? Yeah, but you didn't ******* understand anything. What happened? You slept the whole show. My wife did everything. That's your wife? Oh, what a nice lady you have. Oh, that's sweet. What happened today? Max, I promise you, you don't know what I've been going through today. They closed my surgery because I had water leakage in my whole surgery. So I had to close it. Wow. They closed the surgery because you had leak? Leaking water. Leaking water? Not me, the pipe. The pipe? I didn't say you leaking. He goes, I'm not leaking water. The pipe. You're a surgeon? You're a doctor? No, I'm a dentist. You're a dentist? You're not a doctor. You're a dentist. You know him? That lady is screaming. You have a problem with your tooth right now? You're hurting? I hear you crying. I know the surgery is closed. I'm sorry to break the news. He's leaking water. I'm sorry, he's not leaking water. One of his pipes leaking water right now. But maybe he's Iranian. He probably would do the surgery in his kitchen, yeah? He said, I agree, yes. You would do this? Okay, no problem. Come tonight, yeah? See, I got you a customer. You're awesome, Soheil. I'm sorry the water's leaking, you know? I feel now bad I woke you up. No, I'm sure. Listen, I'm going to come to your work today. We're going to fix the pipe. It would be an honor for you for me to change your pipe. So now it's your pipe. Listen, it might be an honor for you, but it would be a disgrace for me. Hey buddy, let me change the pipe for you. Oh man, what a difficult situation. Okay, go back to bed. I'm sorry I woke you up. You know you have those narcotics at work? Just take one, go to bed. Take one of those painkillers. You'll be okay, my friend. You want to go up, you don't want to go down. Hold on, let me see what I got. Give it up for my buddy Soheil, everybody. What do you do, Christy? Ultrasound? Have you ever had a baby? How old is your baby? Get out of here. How the **** are you guys so young? No, it's not the L.A. air. It's the L.A. ******* surgeons. You look incredible. You either have a good surgeon or you sleep in the freezer every night. Okay, kids, I go to the freezer again. How old I am? Are you single? You are? I mean, do I have to support your 27-year-old kid? How old do you think I am? 50? You think I'm 50 years old? Buddy, change the lighting. Something is not making sense. You think I'm 50? I gave you all the compliments. You look beautiful. You're so young. Oh, my God. I can't believe you have a 27-year-old. She's... You're the worst star in the human stars. I can't believe she thought I'm your age. Clooney! I looked at him in my head. I go, look how old this guy is. Meanwhile, this bitch is looking at me going, look how old he is. Hold on, hold on. This seat is not available. Sit down. Okay, right there is fine. You're adorable. So, wait a minute. I asked if anybody's sitting here and you said no. No, no. So, I lost my father last year. When I go out... Oh, that's so sweet. First of all, much blessing to your father. And what's your name? Ritika. Ritika? Ritika, where are you from? India. Indian. Okay, wonderful to meet you. I believe also when they say when somebody passes away they're always with you. Yeah? And I'm Iranian. And I lost my father in 2015. And I would never do that. You know why? Because if I did that my father's soul would be so unhappy. I'm telling you. My father would be like Maqsamini, why are you wasting money? I am in heaven having a great time. What did I teach you? You grow up to be an idiot you buy seat for me? Stupid, I am in heaven having a good time. I don't even want to hang out with you. Finally I died to be away from you guys. Now you're forcing me from heaven to come watch this bullshit? Hold on one second. Hold on. Did you hear that? I just heard your father laugh. Because what a funny guy. I don't care. I like to come sit next to my daughter and watch your show, Maqsamini. Muah, to the heavens. To the... Muah. What's your name? What? Her name is Payam. But she goes by Pam. Payam. In the Iranian culture it's a guy's name. When she was born they thought she has a... When she was born her arm was between her leg. They're like, it's a boy. It's a boy. It's a big boy. Look how big this boy is. Oh my God. Payam in the Iranian culture means message. Like, he's coming out with a big message. And then they're like, no, it's her arm. Oh shit. We named her Payam already. Okay, how about Pam? Go by Pam. This guy, fun. Look how fun this guy is with his gym outfit. Buddy, you're so tall. 6'4 or something, huh? How tall are you? 6'4 exactly. What's your name? Rawmak? His name is Rawmak. For my non... Let me explain for my non-persons. In the Iranian culture Rawmak is a girl's name. He was born. Nothing was there. They're like, oh my God, it's a girl. Rawmak it is. Two weeks later, something poked out. They're like, oh my God, something is happening. Oh my God, Rawmak is a guy. I've never met a Rawmak this big in my life. What's your name? Rawmak. So stylish. I'm serious. Look, are you two together? Why are you looking at each other? Wow, what just happened here? You guys got in a fight before you come? I go, this is your lady. They both look at each other. Am I with you? What happened? It's complicated? Oh, it's perfect. Complicated is the best comedy material. What's your name? Human. Human, nice to meet you. And you? Sahar. You're beautiful, Sahar. You're absolutely gorgeous. I don't know why Human was hesitating. I'm so happy you're here, darling. So happy. Yeah, really happy you're here. And Human, it's okay. You guys drove together in the same car? Oh, it's complicated. So which one of you guys are married? Neither one is cheating. Okay, that's good so we can actually talk about it and make this happen. Okay, wonderful. And how long you've been together? They looked at each other again. It's fun. Do we count from the time we start ******* or do we count from the time we met in the coffee shop and then you said okay, maybe two months? Two months? Buddy, two months is so brand new it should be so lovey-dovey. No? So you got into a fight before you come home? It happens. Listen, it happens to the best of us. They got into an argument on the way to the comedy show and I know why. They were coming here they got into an argument Sahar was like I love Max Hamini he's so sexy. And Human was like you love him like how you love him? She's like well, he's funny I love him because he's so funny I was like oh, I would have ******* killed Max Hamini and he's like you're not gonna kill my favorite comedian. So they had that moment and then they came in here and then she's like see, he's funny. And then Human was like Yeah? Is that what happened? No way! Human was like no, I didn't care I was like he's funny but I don't care I don't care he's funny I don't care I am funny and that's not what happened. Now I believe Human he seems like a very honestly very genuine guy this guy. By the way you guys cannot see Human tall very, very handsome good looking very nice style yeah? What do you do for a living? You're a lawyer ah so he's he's ******* good at this ******* arguing too you know what I mean? Objection Sahar it's not possible yeah? What kind of lawyer are you? Corporate lawyer oh this guy Corporate lawyer I mean this is top of the line of the lawyers you understand? He goes he fucks up corporations CEOs destroys everybody tomorrow front page of the newspaper Maximini gets sued by a lawyer in Sweden I don't give a shit I'll marry Sahar and I move to Yotobori oh I'm just ******* around man just having fun with you stop I hope you guys make out and make it better yeah? I'm dead serious come on kiss and make it better yeah? oh man give her a nice kiss oh so beautiful I like Moroccans man they speak so many languages you guys how many more do you speak? I speak around 8 languages he speaks 8 languages every Moroccan I meet they're just like hello what do you speak? I speak what's your name? Osama Osama? why? it's a comedy show you need to scare the shit out of everybody I mean your parents they didn't know back then you know he's born what are we going to name him? I don't know inshallah Osama shit well you still have a chance you're young you're good looking change your name Ossie right? sounds friendly and it's close to Osama yeah for public Ossie in the bedroom Osama sounds dangerous honey I'm coming Osama is coming home to chill you where are you? Osama's here you're from Pakistan? no way you came by yourself? oh I love that dude oh you're wonderful man what's your name? Ibrahim pleasure meeting you man you're a wonderful man wonderful guy you were waiting for my show for many years oh I love you man look he bought the first row front row middle row like right in the middle death center you're a real fan come give me five hi my brother nice to meet you smells like chicken masala so you live in you bought the shirt for my show it looks gorgeous on you honestly it looks wonderful man even if you came in with your Pakistani outfit I would have loved it even more I love the local outfits no you should have worn it or you would have scared the shit out of the Indians how old are you buddy? 57 you've been single for five years what's your type? family woman what's a family woman? like she has a home cooking and ******* you're so Pakistani yes did you see what he said? oh my god he said I want a I want a family woman that can handle a busy man if you don't want a broke man that you need to deal with a busy man that's kinda true he's busy out there making you some money girl you cook and clean too? that's why you're busy? you work seven days and then you come and go honey I will cook and clean for you also I'll find you a hot girlfriend before you leave Abraham I promise you I will find you an amazing girl who's that next to you? uh oh you came by yourself? you looking for a husband? she goes yes I swear to god he's a star oh my god he's kneeling for you he's a ******* star this guy my god all the Indians are so jealous right now we should have ******* stepped up sooner I love it after the show you guys exchange phone numbers you go on a date ok? I work at the airport you work at the airport what do you do? TSA Egyptian what's your name? Aman let me tell you something Aman is peace anyway Aman is peace? Aman that means you're safe oh my god she'll bring safety to your life yes you gotta treat her like a queen but can I tell you something you don't have a choice she's a TSA agent Abraham she's gonna walk into the bedroom take your shirt off take your socks off take your pants off bitch let me see that dick sir no problem here we go ************ I'll show you that motherfucking dick and then all of a sudden Allah Akbar are you sure you're not from Uzbekistan? where you from? Burma? this guy talks like I know his neighborhood what do you mean Burma? Myanmar where is that? bro I'm not talking about off the street what country man? oh that's the country? where is this country man? Thailand? let's ******* say Thailand next time my geography is not I'm a comedian I started this show and they shat on my intelligence so bad trust me it's not just me all of these they didn't know either everybody knew where Myanmar was? hold on I have a question who here didn't know where Myanmar was? ok some honest people look I love you dude and I love you what if you guys didn't stand up for me I would have looked like shit right now Habibi you're the biggest Habibi I've ever seen in my life how tall are you? 6'6 Habibi you ate two Habibis in one that's the mom mom how tall are you? mom is like 5'5 dad 6'6 too? like around? ok thank god that dad is tall otherwise there would be questions over here how many brothers and sisters? just one brother that's it two sisters one brother he doesn't even know how many siblings he's got just one brother oh you have two sisters they don't count Habibi he's like no I ate all their food everyday I don't know if they're still alive the biggest Habibi in the world give it up give it up for him tell me your name Sarmin why are you single? handsome good looking you don't want to have a girlfriend were you married you got divorced yeah I can tell he married a girl she was so short she got neck pain Sarmin I cannot do this marriage anymore my neck hurts I did the PG version of this for you that was the family version for Dubai you're half Iranian half Afghanistan you look 100% Japanese they didn't tell you somebody else was involved just so you know do the 23 and me see what happens if it comes out Japanese anyways yes you brought me a gift thank you you don't have shoes on no shoes is there a GPS in this why did you give me this thing I got it from my mother you got it from your mother was she Japanese why are you giving this to me I love you I love you too man you're so sweet you have such a gentle soul as well what's your name buddy Alicia thank you you're kind you're very I feel bad to take this you're so sweet you want to give me your bracelet too let me give you my shoes where are you from Ukraine that's wonderful man that's wonderful good to see you any Russians in the audience it's going to be a peaceful night this is nice we're going to enjoy you buddy but don't worry we protect you regardless even if there was a Russian the Armenians and the Persians we got your back is this new how long you been together a year he's a nice student he works out too look he's he's your ok relax he's my fiance well I'm not trying to **** your fiance I'm not interested ok eat you have no appetite why did you ******* order buddy you finish yeah take it back for other Ukrainians meet one more person buddy where you from amazing country and your lady is from oh you you Aussie Aussie oi oi oi this is sexy dude you came out here you scored this yo you did good man do your West African friends know about her you send a picture like oh oh she's beautiful how long you been together not together you not together how ******* awkward you should have said I'm not with her you're like like you send the picture to your friends well meet each other you're single yes I'm single I have 4 wives back in West Africa it doesn't count they're in Africa are you single yes what's your name Jessica what kind of man do you like what kind of character is a man you like kind he looks kind than a ************ all you care about a guy being kind would it help if he's from Africa you're gonna have fun tonight bro let me talk to my Indian brother what's your name Ajit no no I can say it Ajit yes great and your lady is Riti pretty you ******* kidding me they named you pretty that's a lot of ******* pressure can you imagine they were just like oh we're gonna name her pretty let's see what happens like she turns 2 years old they're like oh ************ not so pretty what the **** do we do we chose terrible name for her what's your middle name maybe pretty maybe I love that good for you you're lucky you turned out very pretty so great