Josh Stramiello Full Standup Comedy Special “Doubting Thomas”

I really genuinely believe that Jesus was black. Like I was reading the New Testament the other day and at no point did he swim. You could even say he went out of his way not to swim. Now some people hear this joke and they think I'm saying black people can't swim. That's racist. That's the furthest thing from the truth. This was the son of God. If he could come back from the dead he could definitely backstroke okay. I think black Jesus was on that boat looking down at that water and he had just got his hair done. Like a hot comb in one hand and the spirit of the Lord in the other. And he just looked down and he was like not today Satan and he just walked. Hallelujah. Josh you okay? I just want to talk a little bit about dad jokes. Is that okay? You know dad jokes like pull my finger. Could you imagine if it was just an hour of that? That would be terrible. I just wrote one and I want to do it for you guys but I want us to kind of like get to know each other first. So is that okay? There's these really good comedians like Jim Gaffigan. He has a joke a hot pocket. That's the whole joke. This man's a multi-millionaire just theaters. He's like frozen food and it crushes. I'm not as good as him if I can be honest with you guys. I'm not as good as him but I'm trying. So I actually became a full-time comedian this year. Yeah I got fired. I got fired on a zoom call. You ever get fired and you're not even wearing pants? I asked my boss if I could work from home and he was like I'll meet you halfway. He actually invited me to a zoom one-on-one and I was expecting to see him and then I show up and there's one of these liberal ladies on the call. You know these liberal ladies they always want in their pronouns like right she couldn't even spell her it just said HR. Tell me what kind of jokes I can make in the workplace. Come on. Come on. My boss just went uh you're fired and then just disappeared right off the zoom call. I was like **** and then I just hear hi I am Amy. That's a lot to unpack. Let me give you a minute. Dude Amy was great like if you get fired ask for Amy like she's incredible. She was like yo I want to help you plan out your resume, your career. I was like I don't know our podcast is doing pretty well. She's like the ******* resume dude. Yeah she was more concerned about my future than me. I think it's because she wasn't high. Right it's an awkward call. Yeah so tough tough times tough times. The economy I guess that's what I like to People are like why are you fired? I'm like I don't know the economy. Just see if that gets me out of the conversation. You should try it sometimes just if someone asks you a question you don't like third divorce huh Bill? The economy. Everything's expensive now like gas is expensive. Gas is so expensive straight people are rollerblading. I said straights on skates. I don't know none of this means anything. I'm broke though. I like to google money sometimes just to see what it was like. Okay sometimes I'll be like how much money should a 34 year old have in El Salvador. Don't want to brag middle class in El Salvador. I get stressed. I have vices. Anybody here got vices? Alcohol. Give it up for who likes alcohol. That's a nice little vice. I don't even know if that's a vice honestly. We sell it here. I'm gonna say not a vice. Have fun tonight guys. Yeah I got a real vice though. I wait for my wife to fall asleep and then I sneak into the other room and I get on the laptop and I go on one of those adult websites Zillow. So much sadder than porn. This is my 30s. Used to be two girls one guy. I was like oh now it's four beds three beds. I'm like oh my god look at the hardwood floors. I have a problem. Am I the only one? I can't be the only one that's like gotten drunk and then just wasted a realtor's entire weekend. We just show up to a mansion with a slip and slide and she's like I don't think you're a serious buyer and I'm like in a bathing suit and I'm like well then you're gonna have to drive me because I am drunk. Trying to be a better person. Anybody here trying to be a better person? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I went to my first pride parade this year. Pretty gay. Like I mean I knew it was gonna be gay when I went but I thought there'd be like some hot lesbians like with posters or like maybe some cool trans people to educate me on the pronouns right but uh no it's just dudes. Like okay so like pride used to be this important like civil rights thing and then gay guys were like no it's a frat party. Like people were like we have important issues and then gay guys were like yeah we're trying to and then they just okay so I'm not complaining. I got a lot of free drinks. I enjoyed it. I was like I didn't know that gay guys were basically the straight guys of the LGBT. If you guys weren't there just let me tell you what it was like okay so the lesbians were marching they were like we need better health care. Then the trans people were marching they were like we need to use the bathroom actually. And then the gay guys came out and they were like legalize ecstasy. I have to do ecstasy in the bathroom like a criminal. And then the trans people were like is that why I can't use the bathroom? I get it. I start a joke about pride and I have this bigot face and you're like what's going to happen? I get it. I know how I look but I am an ally. I'm an ally. I'm trying. I'm trying. It's always funny to me I'll like meet older people that like are like very anti-gay and they'll come up to me they'll be like when I was a kid we didn't have any gays. How old are you? Because in the 80s if you went to the bathroom you had a 50-50 shot to get a blowjob from George Michaels. And Woodstock was pretty freaky that was in the 70s 69 technically nice. And then you go all the way back to 1952 and if you were jamming that in high school you're like in your late 90s pep hat. And in 1952 you know what the number one song of the entire summer was? A little song by Elvis Presley called Jailhouse Rock. Let me refresh your memory. Right. Hey some of y'all couldn't you don't listen to rap so you didn't know what I was saying so I'm gonna slow it down do it again. Okay here we go 1952 everyone's just jam pappin' okay and here's what comes on. Number 37 sent to number three. These are all guys it's in a prison. You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see. Sure be delighted by your company. So come and do the Jailhouse Rock. That's talking about gay prison sex. There's no time machine that you can hop in to escape the gays. They've been with us the whole time and that's okay. That's okay. It's a lot of fear. People want you to be afraid of like things that you don't understand. Like is anybody afraid of AI? Over here okay. Why? It's gonna replace a lot of jobs right? Clap it up. That's a good answer. I think you're a pussy. I'm not afraid of AI. Here's why okay. It is exactly the same thing as the Mexicans 15 years ago. Yeah they're like the Mexicans are gonna steal our jobs and they did get a few of them but I have bad insurance. I've never gone to the doctor and been like hey doc can you look at my leg and the doctor's like oh no ingles. Not once. I'm not afraid but what does scare me is one of these days they're gonna invent a Mexican AI. Like you're gonna call an uber and a robot with a pencil mustache is gonna show up like and then it's gonna cut your grass, **** your wife, do your taxes. You're like god damn. Four dollars. That's a pretty good app. Don't love what they did with the lady but four stars. What's it called? IE. We're having fun. If you're wondering what my ethnicity is I'm Italian so I'm kind of like a European Mexican. That's how that math goes out. I'm very Italian. My last name is Stromiello. Stromiello. Stromiello. You say that three times fast and an angel actually gets their unibrow. Yeah I'm such a fake Italian. I just like don't even have an Italian accent like even when I'm mocking them and I've really fit in in the Italian culture because my dad was the Italian one but he did like the most Italian thing that you could do when I was growing up and he went to ******* prison. I remember I was like four years old and I wanted to know why so I was like mommy why did daddy go away? Oh honey because he touched a woman without consent. Mommy what's consent? Oh my god you remind me so much of your father. It's tough. It's tough growing up and your dad's a convicted sex offender but I told you there was going to be dad jokes. I grew up and it was tough because like I had his middle name so if you googled my full name it looked like I was a very busy boy like that sucks. So I started to try to cut it down. I was like I don't have to be Stromiello. I can be Stram. Stram show is my Instagram. Stram the man was my college email address. I just wanted to kind of hide in plain sight because I felt ashamed for something I didn't even do but you guys are here. You guys are accepting me clapping up for yourselves. I really appreciate it. I mean like I don't want to brag but 35 no criminal record so like ******* nailed it dude. Like the bar was so low. My mom is so proud like hell yeah dude. I was uh life is good now though. I was at a waffle house with a black dude a Mexican lady and an Asian guy and our food came out and I was just like high on shrimps. I was like oh my god look at how diverse we are right now. Yeah and they ******* hated that. Yeah they were like no you're not diverse and I was like no I am. I'm a minority and then my one friend was like listen cracker you can't just be a minority when you want to be a minority. This shit ain't funny. This ain't one of your jokes. I'm a real person. That was the Asian guy and I said no for real loquarius. I'm a minority. I am like I didn't know the whole time like I didn't I thought I was like a mutt mix of like white and Italian but then I found out that I'm actually part Arab. Yeah ew. Yeah I know I got a 23 of me test and I did it and I got the results back and I was like oh shit I need to go delete some tweets about 9-11. I suddenly have a very nuanced opinion about those boys you know. Some of them are freedom fighters. No I'm kidding. I'm kidding. USA. I really am. USA. Give me one. Give me a come on. USA. USA. It's enough. It's not a rally. It's crazy too because like I would never joke about 9-11 actually. I lived in New Jersey. I grew up there and I actually lost a family member on 9-11 and he was one of the bravest amateur pilots. Yeah these are jokes dude and they're gonna just keep coming. I got so many of these. Dozens. Dozens. We're having fun. Um no but for real though all jokes aside uh I did grow up in New Jersey and I was like 10 when 9-11 happened and I heard and repeated some racist shit about Arabs and I was always worried that I was gonna like come out and now it's ******* fine. Can't touch me. It's like a black guy saying the n-word. Well okay it's more like Drake saying the n-word you know. He says it and you're like what'd you say Aubrey? I turn out to be a guy that hates a lot but um I do really hate Muslim strippers. It's a total waste of 40 rupees. I paid the bitch and then she just wanted to eye **** me. It's like I bought a flight to Lahore for this? More like LaPrude. A joke's not even offensive. It starts off it's like whoa you can't be a Muslim stripper. You could be Muslim or stripper. Before I met my wife I was constantly struggling with relationships. My longest relationship ever was 14 months and it was with a stripper. Who knew? At around my birthday she decided to surprise me with a third person and uh yeah yeah I uh did not like him. Nay. Yeah he was a couple's counselor. Wasn't sexual at all. I'm just sitting on this guy's couch confused itchy. I had gotten a Brazilian. I did not understand what the person she was had communication issues. I paid $200 an hour to find out that I was the problem in the relationship. Could have told you that for free. Just come to one of my shows any of them at any time and you'd be like oh okay. She we're both happier now and I don't have a single negative thing to say about that ex. Like it's so weird when you meet someone and they just shit talk their ex. You know what I'm talking about? They're just like my ex is so dumb and dirty and stupid and she talks with a limp and she's got a bumpy pussy. It's like okay dad. Dad joke number three. There's a theme. I got married to my beautiful wife. Give it up for my wife. She's ******* incredible. Just putting up with me and all my bullshit. We broke up and we got back together five times before we got married. Five times the most you can count on one hand. Yeah so when we got married our we couldn't do it in Texas because we had to go to Las Vegas because they have legalized gambling. We went to the little Elvis chapel. Do you guys anybody here white trash know what I'm talking about? It's just like a trailer on top of a trailer and then everybody inside of it is for whatever reason dressed like Elvis. Everyone it's like a Chick-fil-a but instead of saying my pleasure they're like thank you very much. So we get there and we walk in to have our first marriage and we have like eight really disappointed family members with us including an aunt who like is a conservative Christian that believes in a white Jesus and she was like this isn't the real thing. Whatever door shut up door and then we go in and we're sitting and the guy's like hey welcome to the old chapel. What kind of wedding do you want? And I was like um like you know okay so there were all kinds of Elvis's there it was like a whorehouse of Elvis's you could pick like they had like a young hot Elvis dressed in all white big bulge they had like a old Elvis who came with a toilet. I don't know who would pick that but it was historically accurate and I was like we'll take the cheapest one and the guy was like oh you don't you don't want the cheapest one. I was like yeah let's take it. So we got our first marriage out of the way for sixty dollars. There's always some divorced people that yell like yeah that's a great **** yeah that's a great one. So we're sitting there the whole family sitting in this little broom closet no AC because that was 40 bucks extra and we're just all waiting like man it's kind of backed up what kind of Elvis do you think we're going to get for sixty dollars? We got an Asian Elvis which is fine you guys don't get it. Okay so we're just sitting there getting ready to get our first marriage out of the way and then just like in comes an Asian Elvis from here to here he was Elvis but then from here to here he was very Asian but then from here to here Elvis again he ******* nailed the hair like this guy was good at his job it's kind of racist he was the cheapest one. You guys don't get it. Okay I got like eight pissed off family members my aunt is really upset she's like praying to our little white Jesus penny and then just like in comes king of rock king of walk it was just silence and then I hear my wife go say something you say something no it's 2023 I'm not going to say how much for a white Elvis like you're not even wearing white so let's just yeah I do an impression of him. Do it? I was going to do it either way and you guys uh before I did show uh don't do it at work it is why I got fired and another thing to consider okay so Elvis is a white guy who stole a lot of black culture okay and then this Asian guy comes out and he's trying to the Asian guy doing a white guy doing a black guy so now I'm going to come in and I'm mostly white little Arab and I'm just going to so if you're offended you know who could who knows this is an Asian Elvis well everybody what's kung fu fighting wow that's a lot okay okay cool I like that joke I like doing it I like the feeling everyone's like this is the one this is the one that's too far we know and then it's like okay thank you guys there's a few things that I'm super passionate about I've been sharing with you guys and I really appreciate this time one of them is as a comedian I get really angry when someone steals jokes and right now there is a pandemic of comedians from India and Pakistan stealing American comedians jokes they'll take a joke in English and then they'll translate it into IT and then they just kill they're just murdering they're getting millions of followers they're making hundreds of dollars off of off of stolen jokes you guys don't get it right now in New Delhi there's an Indian guy and he's like hot pockets that's Jim Gaffigan's joke right now in India there's a guy going there's two kinds of black people pretty white audience but that's that's a Chris Rock joke pre-slap so I decided to do something about it because if there's one thing I am it's USA USA USA USA hell yeah because this country has a history of stealing back from Indians so I got on TikTok and I found an Indian comedian with like 80 followers I stole his best joke I just took it in Hindi and I put it in a chat GPT and I was like make it speak freedom and then this right now I'm going to do it for you this one time for my special is the joke that I stole from him you guys know how it is when you're going to work standing on top of a moving train you're just going to work trying to get to the call center you've got a quota and some homeless guy comes up to you and he's like can I have 40 rupees I'm like what am I a Muslim stripper get away from me and then you just push him away and then you get to the call center what are you doing you're just you know how it is just dialing for dollars you're just rigging for rupees you're calling everyone's dumb ass grandmother in the American Midwest until someone picks up that phone and then she's like hello and you're like hi Susan my name is Steve and I'm with the IRS and it says here that if you don't give us 120 dollars worth of Kroger gift cards we're gonna have to shoot your dog you know how it is she's always like oh no not Mr. let me get my keys and then you and the boys are like ******* high five and you're like hell yeah we got another dumb American bitch on the line right now Muslim strippers on me and what does this ******* dumb American bitch do you know you know every time she goes down she buys the gift cards and you'll come but you edge a little she's got them in her ******* little diabetic American hands and then what does this bitch do she redeems and you're like no no don't redeem no no no you know how it is um going to work coming home 14 hour day you didn't make any money going home to your do-nothing wife what has she done all day made no money get home you walk in and the floor is just filthy so you're like woman why didn't you clean and she's like I did I did clean you're like no look at this floor it's filthy it's filthy and she has the balls to say to me it's made of dirt I just break down I say honey I'm sorry this isn't me I just I've been so stressed at work and I didn't make any money and I'm tired I'm tired of scamming I'm tired of lying I want to do it right I want to stay up all night and learn how to video edit until I get good enough to get an h1 bv so we can go to ******* America my wife she looks at me and she says oh Arslan you are a good man I did not choose to be married to you but I do choose to stay we are in this together and she holds me and I feel love and shame and hope what is that beautiful smell and my wife says oh I made hard pocket whatever one dad joke my dad is dead so good news there yeah I'm gonna tell you how he died before he died my dad always like he said he was like a picture he was innocent he had been framed yeah my dad died of stage four liver cancer in New Jersey in a prison and we were in Arkansas about 14 years ago and my mom gets a phone call from the doctor and the doctor's like I'm sorry but your husband only has months to live he has stage three liver cancer and my mom said call me back when it's stage four we're broke and she just hung up the phone didn't have money to just go to New Jersey and hope that a guy dies like we gotta see it so a couple months go by and the doctor calls and he's like I'm sorry your husband has days to live and my mom was like now and we got plane tickets on a credit card and we got a hotel for two nights and we went to watch my father die yeah my dad did go to prison for rape and it fucked up my entire childhood but he was still my dad so it's okay if you guys are uncomfortable I was ******* uncomfortable it's like how did how happy or sad should I be I want to be a good person in this moment we walked into the hospital room and my dad had always scared me my entire life and he wasn't in there because the cancer had just eaten away at him until he was like 120 pounds they still had him shackled it was a nurse's request and so my mom my brother and I we walked in to say goodbye to this this pain that we had carried for so long but in that moment in that day when I walked in he was just so alone I felt bad for him like his lips were cracked like they wouldn't even give him water so I took some water and I gave it to him and he cheered up a little and we told stories and we laughed and we cried we we said everything we had to say and it was beautiful but he didn't die that day so we had this awkward walk back to the elevator on the first day and the elevator door closes dad just ignore that if we all die it's a good joke you want to hear the end of it the elevator door closes and my brother looks at me is it like a tornado or like a missing kid missing kid I'm really happy because we're like 50 minutes in that's the first time that black table is heckled so I consider this a win if anything that's a ******* badge of approval thank you I bought myself some time with black Jesus you guys were like we're gonna let him then the start of this joke and you're like just ******* kill his dad already if I have to do it all right so I got in the elevator after the first day and my little brother looks at me and he says yo that's like the first time I felt like I could beat dad up I looked at him and I was like dude me too but I really hope he dies tomorrow my mom was like yeah that would be best that would be best so that first day was beautiful but we showed up that second day and it was like are you gonna go before lunch or after lunch the juice box and the orange slices are pretty rough so if you could you know we'd already said everything there was to say so at that point it was just judge judy reruns and then just and then beep beep beep the one time it could have gone off 3600 beeps in an hour is pretty ******* annoying for guys every time it's like I'm still alive I'm still alive and then at 1 37 p.m eastern my dad Tom had the nerve to be like can I have some water no we're on the clock why won't you just ******* die I want you to go I'm tired of looking at it you've been a pain my entire life I don't know if it's right or wrong but I just don't want to look at you anymore I want it to be he lived for three more months we flew back to Arkansas and so much time had gone by that I forgot he was dying if I'm being honest I got a phone call and I answered it and it was like you have a collect call from prison Tom I was like all right and I answered the phone and my dad was so weak the cancer had broken this man so much that he this voice was faint I really pressed the phone in to hear it but his last words to me were hard pocket one dad joke it's all I want to tell if there's a message okay okay if there's a message here that I want to tell you guys I want to say that look I don't care if you're uh if you believe in a black Jesus right or you just think he has a tan okay I don't care if uh you marched in your first gay pride parade this year or maybe this was the first year that you didn't throw rocks at one sir I don't I don't care if you're a Muslim or a stripper I believe that we can get better and so I want to tell you guys what I would tell myself if I could a little kid that's ashamed of what he's done or what his dad did looking in a mirror hating the eyes that he sees thinking he should change his name I would tell that boy that you don't have to change your name you can change what it means my name is Joshua Thomas Stramiello and I'm so excited about what we're all going to do next thank you guys I love you