Jon Richardson vs. Raging Trolls | Old Man Live | Universal Comedy

From New York City, Comedy Central presents John Mulaney. Thank you. Thank you very much. This is so beautiful. Thank you for being here. This is lovely. My name is John Mulaney, as they said, and I've lived in this city now. I love it. I've lived here for a few years now, and so I have this new phenomenon in my life where, like, late at night on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny. Yeah, that is silly. That is silly. It's kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it's weird because, like, I'm still afraid of being kidnapped. Honestly. But I'll give you the best example of this. A few months ago, I was at a subway station at two o'clock in the morning, all right? And at this station, I'm changing trains, and you have to walk down this long hallway in order to change trains. So it's two o'clock in the morning. It's just me and this woman, and we're walking along, and she's walking a few yards ahead of me, but she keeps giving me, like, the over the shoulder, like that, you know? And then she starts to pick up the pace. She starts to walk a lot faster. So I think, oh, she must hear the train coming. Or, you know, maybe she feels it in her feet, like a Native American. So I start to sprint down the hallway at her, and she looks back, and she's like, ah! And then she gives chase, right? So now we're booking it down the corridor at two o'clock in the morning, and I'm gaining on her. I'm gaining on her, and we're getting to the end of the hallway, and she starts to go into that, like, dead-end shuffle, you know, that women do when you chase them, and I'm almost at her. I'm almost at her, and then it dawns on me. Oh, she's running from me, because in her eyes, I'm an adult, and adults rape each other. So I wanted to go up to her and be like, hey, whoa, no, no. I'm not like a, I'm not like a, I'm not a man. I'm some stupid punk, you know? But I think that that would be equally creepy, because if you were in a subway station at two o'clock in the morning, and I chased you down, grabbed you, and said, I'm not gonna rape you. I'm a little boy. Oh, I have drag queens in my neighborhood now. I study them. They're fascinating. I think it's great. I think it's great if someone wants to be a drag queen. I think that's wonderful if you want to, like, express your inner woman, but why with drag queens is it always the same type of woman? Like, why is it always, like, a big and brassy woman with, like, a beehive hairdo and alligator skin shoes? It's like, what is your notion of a woman based on? A housewife in a Far Side cartoon? Why is that what you think femininity is? And then these drag queens, they'll go out on the street, and they'll bully me. They will. They'll be like, look at him in his little shirt. It's like, why are you mean, you know? Why is that part of it for you? And it's not little. It's a medium. Small is little. You went through all the trouble to put on a nice dress, and now you're gonna be rude and bossy to people? It's like, do you know what your version of a lady is a lot like? A guy. You could have stayed a guy if you were gonna be an ass**** about it. Get angry. It's tough to know what to do with your money these days. What was it? Just a few days ago, the Dow Jones dropped another 240 points, and I can't tell you how frustrating it is to not know what that means. It's embarrassing. It gets embarrassing. I did see a class advertised, though, where you can learn to get rich from Donald Trump. He will teach you how to get rich, and he would know, wouldn't he? Trump would know. I mean, he's a very rich man. In fact, to me, at this point, Donald Trump, he's like not just a rich man. Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. You know, it's like he was walking through an alley one day, and he heard some guy just like, oh boy, oh boy. As soon as my number comes in, I'm gonna put up tall buildings with my name on them. I'll have fine golden hair and a TV show where I fire people with my children. Trump was just like, that is how I will live my life. Thank you, hobo, for that life plan. I've always been terrible with money. I've always been bad at economics. I've always been bad at math. Ever since I was a kid, I was terrible at math, and I went to this grade school where one year what they decided to do was divide all the kids up into two different math groups, right, based on your abilities. The first group that you could be in was called the Blue Angels, and it was named after the famous aviators. The other group was called Group Two. Oh, we were a swell bunch of kids in Group Two. The best part of it is, is we picked the name ourselves. The teacher was like, what are we gonna call you, Group Two? And we're like, ah, bingo, you got it right there. Four and five is twelve. You know, for years, really for years, for years, I was a child, and during that time, I was terrible at sports. I'm still an awful athlete. My body is bad at sports. That's the problem. And I say that my body is bad at sports because I think my brain is good at sports. Like, I think my brain understands how a human being could, like, dribble down a basketball court and then make a layup, right? But then it has to outsource the job to my weird and feminine limbs. And so when I play basketball, it looks like I just bought my body and I don't know how it works yet. But I played. I played basketball. I played basketball for five years, and I was a benchwarmer all five years. And if you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away. Then they're just pants. I once got into a game. I once got into a game for the last 30 seconds, okay, because we were winning. And I walked out on the court, and I had to go half of one minute without doing anything wrong. I walk out there, and I get fouled right away. I get knocked to the ground. So this referee runs over to help me up, and he's like, hey, hey, hey, don't you worry, son. We're gonna get you some free throws. I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That will not be necessary. If you're looking to make this up to me, might I suggest a gift certificate of some kind? Oh, and it was a technical foul, so they cleared the court. They were like, yeah, feel free to use all the space you want to suck as much as you do at this game. So if you were in the stands that day, you could watch me shoot free throws, and you could watch my team watch me shoot free throws. And my team's bench at that minute, it looked like some, like, bizarre Last Supper painting, you know? There's some people just like, oh, he's not gonna shoot free throws, is he? Oh, this is a really bad idea. And my coach in the middle just like, what the hell have you sent me? I wanted to tell you one story. This is the story of the best meal I've ever had in my life, okay? Happened when I was 11 years old in Chicago, Illinois, where I grew up. I went to a place called the Salt and Pepper Diner with my best friend, John. We walk in to the diner one day, and they had a jukebox there, okay? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in seven dollars and selected 21 plays of Tom Jones's What's New Pussycat. And then we ordered and waited. Here's the thing about when What's New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not, hey, someone's playing What's New Pussycat again. It's, hey, What's New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays, you're thinking, maybe someone's playing What's New Pussycat again. The fourth time it plays, you're either thinking, whoa, someone just played What's New Pussycat four times, or at least someone played it twice, and it's a really long song. So the fifth time is the kicker, all right? Now, John and I, we're watching the entire diner at this point, all right? Most people have gotten wind as to what's going on. And we're staring at this one guy, and he's sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around, and he's like staring at his coffee cup like this, and he's been onto us since the beginning. And he's sitting there, and his hand is shaking. He had this look on his face like, oh, like he had just gotten his 30-day chip from anger management. And he's staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It's dead quiet. Then, I don't know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly. What's new Pussycat? And he goes, God damn it, and pounds on the table, and silverware flies everywhere. And it was fantastic. But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was, because when we first walked into the diner, okay? When we first got there, and I'm punching in the what's new Pussycat, all right? I've punched in like seven at this point. And then John says to me, hey, hey, hey, before you punch in another what's new Pussycat, let's drop in one. It's not unusual. Oh, yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After seven what's new Pussycats in a row. It played seven times. Suddenly, and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France. You know, for years, scientists have wondered, can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones's It's Not Unusual? And the answer is, yes, you can, provided that it is preceded by seven what's new Pussycats. It's true. Dead honest. And on the other hand, when we went back, holy, it's not unusual. Fades out. It's dead quiet. What's new Pussycat? People went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like, yeah, same crap as always. They unplugged the jukebox after 11 plays. And that was the best meal I've ever had. Thank you. This was such a beautiful day today. It really was. It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of Law and Order in my apartment. Only four. I love that show. I love it very much. I love that show because Law and Order is the same episode every single time. Like the same thing happens on every Law and Order to the point that like you see the same types of characters on every Law and Order, you know, the same types of people they bust out. Some of my personal favorites that they have. There is a guy who, while being questioned by homicide detectives, will not stop unloading crates. Oh, doesn't matter to this guy. Double rape and murder? Nah, he's gotta unload that van. The detectives show up with all these serious questions and this guy is just like, Tony Ramirez? Yeah, I remember him. Used to work here Tuesdays, right? It's like, dude, people have died. How often are you questioned by homicide detectives? You're this casual about it. You know who's blasé talking to the cops? Criminals. Other favorites that they have on the show. There is a judge who allows everything. But watch yourself, McCoy. Oh yeah, she doesn't care what he wants. She will allow it. Judges on that show always seem so bored. They're like, what is it now, counselor? How about a murder trial? Is that not enough for you? And of course, my new favorite character on Law and Order, the New York City bartender who recognizes everybody that's ever been in the bar, ever. They hand this guy a photo and he's like, ah. They always make that face too. Like, like their face needs to adjust to a photograph. Like, they're like, oh, a picture. Not for nothing, but for a second, I thought it was a tiny person. Yeah, blue shirt lady. Nice lady. Came in here Friday around 730. The cops are like, now, did she seem upset? Nah, she was smiling. Guy she was with didn't look too happy though. He left about 935, 936. It's like, which New York City do you work in? I live with people I don't recognize. And then they always ask the same thing. They're like, why? Did something happen to her? It's like, yeah, something most definitely did. That's why the murder police are here. With a photograph of her talking about her in the past tense.