Claire Hooper - So Proud (FULL COMEDY SPECIAL)

The teachers at my kids' school. The dance concert parents. My ten-pin bowling friend. All grandparents. My builder. The bike helmet friends. The parents of the sauce kid. The parents of the farmer's market kid. The numb guts bush band. My own children. My mum and my dad. If you are on that list, I was talking about someone else. I spent the whole summer three thousand kilometres away from here in Perth. The whole summer with my husband and two children living in my mum and dad's granny flat. And we made it. But I will for the rest of my life be triggered by the words knock knock. It's not the sound of knocking. It's the sound of my mother's voice. She's already in! She's already in the granny flat. She's already in my head. At one point over the summer, as my mother was paying for breakfast, she turned to me and said, I hope it's not embarrassing you, Clare, that I'm paying for everything. Bitch, I hadn't noticed. I'm just a 47-year-old woman letting her mother pay for everything. You made this monster. She grew up poor, so she's aware she's doing a kind thing. But I didn't, so I'm not. My dad doesn't pay for breakfast. And he doesn't say I love you. Doesn't say I might come to your show. Doesn't say knock knock. Towards the end of the summer, he walked straight into the granny flat without knocking, in the middle of telling me something. And what he would have seen was me sitting on a chair, grabbing my youngest kid and wrapping her around my body. And he went, needed a hug, did she? Because he's heard of emotions. And keen to see if you spotted one in the wild. But I wasn't wearing a top, so I'd used her as a t-shirt. And it had been a long summer, so I just found myself saying, I don't have a top on, I'm using her as a t-shirt. And he just kept talking, he just looked up at the ceiling, yeah, anyway, what I was telling you. Like if I ever want to steal his wallet, I'm coming at him in the nude. He'll be powerless to fight me off. Nah, I'm not stealing his wallet, am I? My mum pays for everything. So I've got two kids, they're 8 and 10 years old, so no longer cute, not yet interesting. They're the age I remember being, but it looks different from up here. Case in point, school concerts. I remember them being good. Our kids' school just had their first school concert, they threw a three-hour school concert, no bar. Sorry, what? Why are you even giving us an interval? Just to give us 15 minutes to realise we're thirsty? No bar, no packets of chips, no cup of tea station, no drinks, nothing. Just have a drink from the toilet, you dobs! I'm sorry, you mean to tell me my only nourishment for the next three hours is watching my child forget the words to Singing in the Rain, which I can do at home! I'm actually a stand-up comedian who doesn't drink alcohol. I'm used to watching people who still live with their parents not know when to leave a stage. But even I needed something to do with my hands while I grappled with the realisation that this is what it was like for my parents. Because the best performances of the night are from the parents. It's a 180-minute sustained, Oscar-winning performance of... So proud! You know who I'm proud of? I'm proud of the teachers for managing to almost successfully hide the fact that they're regretting every decision that led up to this moment. Because if you get bored of the main show, you can always watch that smaller show at the side of the stage in the teacher's eyes as the last flicker of their soul dies. You think you don't want to watch other people's children? Nor do they by now. You think you're having a bad time? They've seen it 20 times in rehearsals. And this is the best it's ever been. You know, when they go five, six, seven, eight, that's them counting down to their school holidays. People say teachers get too many holidays. Six weeks, I say, is not enough. Not when you spend the first three weeks in a fetal position in a darkened room humming Going on a Bear Hunt. Anyway, here's the strangest thing about that concert. By the end, I think I quite enjoyed it. I don't understand that. It's like Stockholm Syndrome. I fell in love with my captors. Maybe it's a parent thing. You know the way people romanticise memories of childbirth? It's like that. How long was the school concert? 12 hours and I needed stitches. But I feel like I understand my mother for the first time. Anyway, I'm kind of looking forward to the next one. Don't know when it is. I've lost the ability to understand time. So proud. What do we mean when we say so proud? It's when we can think of literally nothing else to say. It's the last resort of compliments. You were up there. That's all we've got. So proud. It means I love you too much to be honest. Should I respect my children more? Should I be honest with them? Two stars. You should have remembered the words. I got stitches for this? Anyway, I'll tell you my favourite bit of the school concert. It's the bows. But not the bows at the end. The bows that happen at the end of every item. And my favourite thing about them is that every single time the kids forget to do them. It's my favourite bit. The tension. Like they finish their little song and dance number and then they all just stand there going oh no, there's something else I was meant to do. And then they'll see the teacher gesturing wildly at the side of the stage and you'll see them go I guess I better just go off stage now. And they'll all start going and the teacher will usher them back on and they'll be like that wasn't it. Now what could it be? One kid will realise and they'll go down and then all of them just domino down and then they all face the wrong direction and can't get off stage and at not one single point do any of them look disappointed in themselves. I could watch that 20 times in a row. And I did watch it 20 times in a row. The bow is such a cute thing it's such a funny little artefact from the olden days to make kids do well fiddle dee dee madame. I don't think it belongs on kids I reckon we should take it back as adults. I want to do bows more often you know when I do a really good parallel park. When I managed to finish a kebab my husband said was too big for me. I'll tell you which kids don't forget to bow dance concert kids. I don't know if anyone else has had any experience of that but my littlest one decided last year that she wanted to take up dancing and I was like you know what I was great at dancing let's get you on board and I did thorough research I found a dance school three minutes walk down the road from my house and I went that one. But because I hadn't really done my research I didn't realise it's a serious dance school we are out of our depth. The dance concert tickets cost $50 each. My daughter danced for three and a half minutes and was impressive for mere seconds of those minutes. That's not a good return on my investment. And speaking of investment that is the theory of the dance classes you're meant to pay the fees and you're going to get your kid from the back row at the concert to the front row. Well now that I've been to a dance concert no thank you I watch those back row kids they're the ones I like watching. Right? Because they're half a step behind the whole time. They've got a look on their face like what are we doing here? That's what I want in my house a small human that I can feel superior to. The front row kids are tangled in the cord. They wouldn't do that they're too professional. No thank you I don't want one of those psychopaths in my house I'd never sleep again. Thanks for dinner mum hope you wake up in the morning. Luckily my daughter shows very little promise. Little kids only do one dance but big kids do absolutely heaps of them. They just keep shuffling on in a new costume I'm like oh great these guys again. As a survival tactic I picked my favourite 16 year old to watch yes I'm aware that's a problematic sentence. And every time the big kids came back on I was like where's my favourite? And at the end of the concert I went around to collect my small child from the stage door I'm like I'm so proud where's my favourite? And she stalked out of the stage door long blonde ponytail bag over her shoulder oh my god and I was like tell her how great she was just tell her. And I caught myself in time I was like no no no she doesn't give a slippery poop what do you think? She doesn't know you're a tremendously successful and popular TV star so you would have to tell her. And that's not how it works. Excuse me I'm on television I thought your dancing was very good. I'm 16 what's television? Hello I'm three times your age and I liked watching you get away from me. Okay yeah no It's a crushing realisation that no matter how old you get you will still be intimidated by a hot 16 year old dancer. Yeah I'm in my 40s uh huh. I got invited by a friend to their 40th at 10 pin bowling recently. You know the older you get the worse you are at unstructured fun. 10 pin bowling and I thought what I always think when I get invited to 10 pin bowling, I'm probably good at that now. You always walk in so confident don't you? Here's what 10 pin bowling is if you've never tried it. What you do is you face your friends, you pick up a ball you turn away from your friends you roll that ball you watch it eat it and then you turn around like you don't mind and then you immediately do it again you roll that ball you eat it and then you turn back to your friends and then you do that 10 frames in a row that is too many times pretending to be okay with being bad at something in one social occasion and who's honestly the one time I got a strike I didn't know what to do with my face right I watched it go well and I I didn't have a facial expression for accidental success I should have just gone Anyway who's good at 10 pin bowling anyway? Same people that are good at everything else. They didn't need another thing you know and they don't even care they get bored before the end of the game they walk off, they let kids bowl the rest of their set and they still beat you because kids put the bumpers up and then you have to keep going through the motions of taking the bumpers down and then rolling that ball and eating it and now you're turning back to 8 year olds and really you should just lose concentration too wander off like your good friends but every time you touch that ball you're like maybe this is the one I don't like the difference between how good I feel I should be and how bad I am I don't like discovering that difference in public and it makes me wonder what else am I wrong about is my entire adult life a gutter ball? Was I even great at dancing? When I was 16 years old I didn't even think 47 existed but I did have a strong suspicion that I wouldn't like being a grown up and I was right it's terrible right? Like it's a whole lot of new difficulties but you don't get rid of the old difficulties. I've got a friend who complained to me recently, I can't believe I get wrinkles and pimples now I'm like boo hoo, who cares? Here's what I'm angry about I've got a mortgage and I'm afraid of the dark I'm sorry I pay for all of this but I can't go in the corners I'm an adult I should be able to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night without drawing a protective chalk circle round it but no the place we're living at the moment has a long corridor with four bedrooms along it, then a bathroom and a sunroom, a yard and at the back of the yard there is a dark shed with a door that will not close and it's a gaping hell mouth that 24 7 stares into my soul sometimes I try and hang the washing at sundown and I'm like just get it out before the last of the light and then there's an inevitable point where the washing obscures your view of the door and you're like the devil's in the washing now and you just have to run inside, I'll leave the washing out there good luck out here alone and run inside try and pretend to my family that I'm not desperately out of breath I'm so afraid of the dark honestly it doesn't make sense, why would I be afraid of the dark I've got I don't need monsters, I've met politicians like I don't need monsters, I've met my children I've met myself it's okay I'm comfortable with that so we've taken the bedroom furthest from the devil shed my husband and I, the one closest to it we put my youngest child in she's fine she seems fine with it she's more of a woman than I am every morning I'm like how'd you sleep good really I should probably tell her tell her that there's a devil in the shed you know she did actually say a few days ago to me she went mum you know when you go to the bathroom early in the morning after you've left the creaking keeps going and sometimes I hear the creaking in the night I haven't been home since then being a grown up is a real rip off it's like it's the wrong side of everything like kids get to be in concerts, grown ups get to watch concerts, kids get presents from Santa, grown ups get to pay for those presents grown ups get to change nappies, kids get to dump a mess what if I want to dump a mess? I can't I'm so dehydrated the worst thing of course is that all the things you thought you'd do when you grew up when you'd have the freedom you can't think of anything worse now like staying up all night living in a tree house eating a whole tin of condensed milk crucially of course when you're a kid you get praise for doing anything remotely good an adult you just gotta be good at stuff and you never get praise like if I told you that I tied my own shoelaces this morning you'd just give me a worried look and if a kid falls down in the street and hurts themselves they get to cry all they like when they finally stop crying they're told they're brave, an adult you fall over in the street you gotta get up walk away you don't get to cry until you've moved countries because being a grown up is about pretending to be fine with being a grown up couple of impressions for you this is a grown up at work this is a grown up on the train this is a grown up on their wedding day you never see an authentic facial expression on a grown up do you? how do we even know we've grown up? there's a grim reaper who comes for us when it's time to die there should be one when it's time to grow up they look like Kerry and Kennelly they hand us two litres of high low milk put a bin night magnet on the fridge and then disappear and they arrive abruptly you just hear the words knock knock I'll tell you how you know when you've grown up you fall asleep in a planetarium anyone else? yep 13.8 billion years ago night night everyone on the one hand the unbelievable majesty of the universe but on the other hand a dim light and a comfy chair I'll tell you what I'd love to win a trip into space that'd be the best nap of my life wow planet earth against the blackness of space is a profound experience now how do you get this seat back? I did most of my growing up in Perth it was fun to spend a summer there I don't care how old you are you spend some time back in your childhood home you will begin to revert back to the age you were when you left it in Perth I get those lovely 22 year old feelings of I can't wait to leave Perth my husband's from New Zealand when he goes back there he reverts back to 17 so he sulks in his room and takes long showers with the door locked yeah Perth Perth is where I did my growing up Perth is where I went from showing my emotions on the outside to holding them inside that's right teenage years and that's what I feel coming back up again when I move there you know that person who stole down to her parents garden centre in the middle of the night and used bags of manure to spell out a giant swear word because her dad teased her about a boy that girl who hid in a cupboard crying for 30 minutes because someone tried to make her smile in a photo that girl who took a shovel and dug a really big hole at the back of the back yard because the school called to inform her they were cancelling the entry into inter-school dance competition the Rockets-Dedford thank you most of my youth memories revolve around dancing what did you do for your 21st? I hired a bush band called the Numb Guts to play in my parents carport yeah the great thing about it was most of my uni friends thought it was ironic oh my god this is hilarious yeah I did mean it that way what did you do when you graduated from year 12? I immediately re-enrolled in year 12 at a tremendous cost to my parents despite doing really well because I just wanted to do Rockets-Dedford one more time yeah it's true and we don't have time to go into it just know just know it's true, that's right I'm a front row kid you couldn't tell because I'm currently also in the back row thank you one person yep it is true and the weirdest thing about it is that I didn't think it was weird and if you're struggling to comprehend it I'll just remind you I didn't want to grow up and you know in some ways I haven't that thing about hiding in a cupboard crying because I was made to smile in a photo that happened this summer yes so Perth good to be back in Perth good to get some free babysitting from the grandparents I guess yeah you'd think so wouldn't you we got our hopes up nah grandparents aren't what they used to be used to be able to rely on grandparents but it is our fault oh yeah we've got the energy for having babies in our 40s sure but our grandparents no no no they're old and they're angry that we let their best grandparenting ears pass them by oh and they'll take it out on us too yeah they'll mind your toddler while you get a haircut a cut not a colour they don't have all day like they literally may not have all day yeah they're not going to bother forming a relationship with someone they might not see into adulthood that's fine pull back I don't mind I used to tell people wait as long as you can to have babies now that I'm older and I understand I'm like get them out while your parents still have the bone density to piggyback a toddler because they won't put any boundaries around screen use or sugar consumption either because they know they're not going to live long enough to bail the monsters they create out of jail no I'm very grateful to my parents generosity good to be back in Perth I had forgotten what Perth was like I'd forgotten how the sun's harshness burns my skin and how my father's harshness burns my heart I had to acclimatise really fast as I was getting on the plane in Melbourne I remember thinking I reckon this is the summer I tell my dad I love him and I got off the plane in Perth and I took a deep breath of that warm dry air that surrounds my father's heart and I went I reckon he knows don't tell your dad you love him save that for your Melbourne dad that's what I call my barista oak flat white pole love you don't tell your dad you love him he's a good guy but in the 40 years my mum and dad have had a pool he's never been in the pool because the pool was your mum's idea like that's not the sort of guy who's ready to bathe in the cool refreshing waters of my emotional intimacy if I told him I love you he'd jump in that pool for the first time and never serve us again no he doesn't say I love you doesn't use my name much either every now and then he'll have a crack but 50-50 it'll be the dog's name good to get a pat on the head though isn't it doesn't say I love you but he does say things like 3mm rainfall overnight or be quiet the news is on I know what he means anyway so we we're getting a renovation that's why we fled to Perth what a renovation don't say it's ok I hate me too a renovation in a rental crisis what can't you find anywhere to live we've got somewhere but it's not good enough for us no it's ok I hate us too don't worry renovating in a rental crisis trades are overpriced interest rates are soaring you can't find a short term rental let alone a hole to scream into what did things go wrong no everything's fine don't worry no everything went wrong but you know what the worst kind of first world problems are first world problems brought on by yourself so yeah it's been hard but also we're so determined for our builder to like us so that he doesn't build hate rubbish into the wall that no matter what problem he brings we pretend to be really stoked about it so we're like oh what missing rafters in the ceiling are you going to redo that love it Rob mate that's great what there are overspans under the floorboards and you've found concrete in the subfloor and you have to redo the floor wow I love your work Rob mate the worse it is the more we overcompensate what another 20 grand to build a drainage system under the kitchen floor get out the champagne room let's celebrate hmm don't know if you caught it but his name's Rob it's short for daylight robbery don't tell him I said that don't tell him I said that please don't we still need him to fix the bathroom door please don't tell him I said that we love him he's so much he's what you call a real grown up and we try so hard to pretend we are too and we pretend we understand everything he says which I'm sure he can't tell what's that joinery all day long architraves well how about that and then we'll just give ourselves away by going like oh only 5 grand for that I thought it would be more it is now we're not fit for this you should have to pass an exam to get a renovation it shouldn't be enough just to have confidence and nearly enough money you should definitely have to pass a few basic questions like do you know where your gas meter is let me know when I'm warm how many square meters is your property seven what is your builder's full name it's rob mate isn't it buh-bye anyway so we're getting it done and before we fled to my parents house we also had to stay in the home of some friends of ours who were living in Milan for 6 months with their 3 children oh my god it's so hard to stay standing could you 6 months in Milan with their 3 children oh my god you want to know that you're not doing a good job of being a grown up, live in the house of someone who is oh they're so cool they don't have a microwave, a TV or a car because there's nothing cooler than a life of inconvenience when we first moved in the weather was quite cool so for fun and because we immediately forgot the instructions for the heating we put 2 doonas on every bed our doona and their doona and I knew there was a chance I'd forget which ones were ours and which was theirs so I took photos of the labels and then when we were moving out in December I found those photos but were they photos of our doonas or their doonas well never know do you think you're better than us, you're probably sleeping under our doonas right now the other thing we had to do before they got back we emailed them and we were just like can we leave our bikes and helmets in your yard while we're in Perth and they said yes and it was really nice sorry what's that, because we didn't organise storage, you're too kind, it's because we own a car so we didn't cycle for 4 months and we forgot which bike helmets were ours and which were theirs and now they have to remember and if they don't they have to admit it you think you're better than us, you are, you are better than us grazie, grazie to the house anyway we also don't let our kids watch screens by the way because you know we don't want them to be happy we absolutely do but we're quite strategic with them, for example, recently I got my kids hooked on a TV show called Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners I was like let's get some ideas into these little heads and finally turn these two unprofitable acquisitions into more useful contributors to the household, brilliant, they loved it too and so we got to the first weekend after a week of binging it and I was like you guys want to try some cleaning right, by the way just so you know it does exist the show and it is where they send people with obsessive compulsive disorder into the homes of people with hoarding disorder and they have to clean them up while they dry retch, it doesn't it doesn't sound great actually when you say it out loud anyway I gave my kids the cleaning products in the back screen door, I was like get to work on that window and it only took a few seconds for me to realise my plan had failed, they were terrible, no idea of products or ratios just slopped it all on the floor, used every dry towel in the house to clean it up and then had the gall to come up and tell me that they sided with the hoarders they were like mum those people that are cleaning all day they don't have time to enjoy their life I'm like why don't you come back here and tell me that again while looking them in the eye and seeing if you can guess why I'm crying you want your kids to be proud of you you do you want them to be proud of you, my husband really turned it on the other day, we had a bunch of kids come home from school with our kids and he laid on the hospitality, he made oven fries put them in individual bowls for all five kids, put out little pottles of mayo and tomato sauce, one per kid oh adorable, then he just stood at the kitchen counter bantering about Taylor Swift and other things kids were interested in like the Taylor Swift concert and who got to go to the Taylor Swift concert and then the smallest child stopped everything and went I need more sauce and adults don't show what they're feeling but I could tell something had changed because whilst he was still smiling his body did go very still and he went no you don't not in a happy tone, in a monotone the most sinister of tones, no you don't, and she went yeah do I run out and he went there's no sauce what an interesting power play what a strange place to draw from mine, and I'm staring at him, all the other kids are looking from him to her to him and I'm just like something doesn't feel right here and she gave it another crack, she pointed to behind him where a full bottle of sauce was sitting on the sink and he just moved his body in front of it and went I'm watching him thinking I've been married to this man for 16 years and even I don't know when he puts his head on this little pillow tonight and thinks back on what he said will it be with shame or with pride and the other question is, this child we're friends with her parents but are we now but of course we are, of course we're going to get away with it what's going to happen when she goes home and tries to report this back to her parents, they're going to go what are you talking about, it's the cheapest of the condiments you're making up stories, get to bed young lady isn't that beautiful that my husband got to be part of a little girl's first experience of gaslighting I don't know if my children were proud of us but I did catch my husband in the kitchen the next day muttering to himself I caught him saying yeah cause really I did give her enough sauce so proud we had no idea when we were kids that our our friends parents ever thought about us, we had no idea they were trying to impress us, adults were just large obstacles blocking access to the pantry, we never thought about them now that I'm an adult I know the truth I never knew they were like talking about us behind our back and now that I'm an adult I know that some of the best conversations I'll have in a week are about who's the biggest bitch in year 4 cause I think I thought kids were going to be cuter than they are and I don't know if you've eavesdropped on kids that age having a conversation lately but they are revolting they're like is that a squishmallow I have so many squishmallows at home I have 3 best friends and all of them say I'm their best friend I have $800 in the bank, I'm a credit card ok well number 1 little girl that's a debit card and number 2 they will give anyone a credit card, I'm not saying we made a mistake stamping out bullying but these personalities are not fixing themselves my friends 5 year old came up to me at the farmers markets the other day, looked me in the eye and went I could beat you in a race kid you're lucky I'm holding a full oat flat wine because unlike your parents I don't love you so I don't have to pretend you're amazing now why don't you run along before I put this coffee down and show you what it feels like to be schooled by a mid 40's mother of 2 who just wants to feel something today and yes we do go to the farmers markets of course we do it's wholesome peasant cosplay for inner city people oh good morning farmer I need berries freshly picked and priced accordingly I'll take 2, I only brought $50 it's when you're picking your bags for the farmers markets that you realise how much of a performance it is, you're like what's that one oh no not one from the supermarket don't we have something in Hesham or something what's that one oh god no not Dan Murphy's the organic wine lady will be there where's that one we got when we donated to the wilderness society yeah we donated to the wilderness society, not my money my daughters, she's got $800 in the bank look I don't hate kids, I just occasionally hate kid you know you'll be in the middle of a conversation with one, they're telling you their specific rules to floor is lava or something and you're just looking at them thinking not this one they don't know I don't like them that's the confronting thing isn't it when they don't know you don't like them and you're like oh no I'm not allowed to tell you but it's on the tip of my tongue I'm not allowed to somebody's ruined this child with too much kindness do you reckon the more kindness from the parents the bigger the monster I absolutely love my children so I can only imagine I'm creating monsters I just assume all of my friends hate them and I like to get on the front foot when I drop them off for a play date I'll just be like I'm so sorry don't feed them anything they don't deserve I'll be back in 20 minutes you'll be sick of them by then they're healthy I just wonder if we're doing any favours for our children when we tell them that we're so proud like shouldn't we just respect them with the truth that their concert was bad their cleaning is terrible and adults are bitching behind their back and there's a demon in the shed I'm a monster I blame my mother for giving me an unwarranted lifelong confidence that is probably the reason I'm getting a renovation now the greatest tragedy of my life was having the Rocker's Stedford cancelled my mum loved dancing too she grew up in a really poor part of the north of England and they were too poor to afford dancing but she won a scholarship and she loved it so much and one day when she was 13 she came home from school and her legal guardian her grandmother was dead and she got sent to regional Western Australia where there were no dance classes and she never danced again and I guess we'll never know which is the greater tragedy but I tell you what she must have loved watching my Rocker's Stedford we just want our kids to be proud of us. I'm proud of my mum New Year's Eve she had this great idea to take us to a New Year's Eve bush dance I'm technically too cool for bush dances now but we bundled all the cousins in the car packed a picnic headed there just as the sun was setting at this point New Year's Eve I'm halfway through the summer so I can't tell anymore what are Perth feelings and what are Melbourne feelings so like the feeling I'm having as I arrive of having made a terrible mistake as I realise the bush band is playing timey kangaroo down sport like on the one hand my children are dancing happily to the music but on the other hand the music of a convicted pedophile but then on the other hand again that's the numb guts up there 26 years since I've seen them and they've still got it okay the fun thing about a bush dance is there's no front row and there's no back row the first dance they were doing was one giant circle of people in pairs and they're calling out the moves and it's like it basically goes it's like clap clap clap and on your knees do-si-do swing your partner and at the end of each stanza they have to gallop in opposite directions around the circle and when the music stops you're still at a New Year's Eve bush dance unfortunately no you have to swap partners as an adult you know that that's the trick of every single bush dance so you don't join in in the first place because dancing with strangers no thanks the kids don't know so all the kids picked a cousin and they got up and they joined in this big circle of adults and it's at that point because kids don't hide how they're feeling you can see how horrified they are at the prospect of dancing with any one of the people galloping past them my nephew's six years old and he looked the most horrified like he was terrified and my mum's sitting next to me on the picnic blanket and she sees that and she lifts to her feet because she's an angel and she does have the bone density to piggyback a toddler and to be honest I think she loves her grandchildren more than I do so she's like I'm going to save him now not in two minutes when it's a different dance and I won't muck up the numbers right now and she floats down to him and arrives exactly as the music stops right in front of him reaches out and he looks up with joy and relief I assume I wasn't watching because I couldn't take my eyes off the woman two metres away who just realised nobody galloped in front of her children show how they're feeling and so did this lady I've never seen an adult with such an authentic facial expression, she looked so sad not even looking around to see who dogged her, just deeply sad look, I'll ask you, what is more exhilarating, feeling happy and not showing it or feeling sad and letting everyone know, right, she slumped her shoulders and started slooping back to her picnic blanket don't feel too sorry for her, she was at a New Year's Eve bush dance, she knew what she was doing just slooping back to her picnic blanket she thought all her New Year's Eve walks of shame were behind her and then she went and got done by Jackie Hooper what's more exhilarating, being happy and not showing it being sad and letting everyone know or what my mum was doing being oblivious to the carnage and front row kidding it in the middle of the bush dance so proud I realised a few days ago all I had to do was get up and dance with the lady catch me dance with a stranger no thanks, staying on the picnic blanket with my dad it will surprise you greatly to hear that he doesn't dance much he does like cycling though he invited me cycling over the summer I think that's his love language, so I went out with him and he did not go kind on me, he destroyed me out there you know, that's better than kindness that's respect, absolutely destroyed me, he's born in 1945 what's that? yeah, he's 80 next year, he technically lived through the war and he showed me no sauce at all when he invited me back out I was like ok, this is great, I'm young, I'm fit I'm a fast learner, I'm going to impress him this time he went even harder what does that mean? I'll tell you it means he was going kind the first time, I just didn't notice what a shock turns out, I can't see kindness when I start looking for it, I see that it's there all the time, like I see that every time he gets a full kilometre ahead, he actually stops the bike and turns back to check that I'm still following and because he knows I'm too wobbly to look left or right when we get to a busy road, he checks for oncoming traffic and if it's safe to cross, he yells clear which is almost a conversation in fact, if I don't listen too hard it's like he's calling my name so yeah, big thanks to my parents for their kindness and generosity over the summer we really enjoyed being there I will say this though, while we were in Perth, they had a fringe festival on and I thought, you know what, I'll book a few shows in of this show, I'll get a few runs on the board great, I accidentally booked the last show for 12 hours after I booked our flight home so I put my family on the flight, I was like I'll be there soon and I booked a flight for 11 o'clock that night after the last show and then I said to my mum and dad could you drive me to the airport after my show because I never stop taking and my dad went I might come and see your show and he went, yeah yeah, your mum and I will come and see your show and then we'll drive you to the airport afterwards so I went to my last show in the back of mum and dad's car and then I did the show and then we drove to the airport quietly checked in the bag, went to security gates and right as I'm about to walk through, get on the plane, fly home to my family who I love very much, my dad says we do love you I do and I went it was like I'd got a strike in bowling I should have just gone thank you very much everyone thank you