Deric Cahill: Toxic Papa (FULL STANDUP SPECIAL 2024)

I have something that I can cut up to the beginning of the video to be like the, you know, whatever, play fucking music or whatever, put in some tight things on it, and then I hit the stage. Get it, K-Hill! Fuck yeah, dude. Charlotte. Thank you for being here. Thank you for the two Mexicans in your state being here. I did a show in Raleigh on Thursday. I felt like I was at a fucking Klan meeting. So I feel safe at this point, okay? They didn't pay me nearly enough to do that speech. This is great. You guys look amazing. Thanks for fucking coming out and picking me tonight, dude. It means a lot. Appreciate you guys. I like researching where I'm going. I like to do a little research to give you guys some, you know, some belief that, like, oh, this motherfucker cares about me, dude. And I'm Googling, you know, what's notable about North Carolina, and I was like, oh. Just, like, fast forward a little bit. The first thing I noticed was your license plates. First in flight. Amazing. Like, that's the only thing you could fucking figure out. It says a lot about, it says more about you, all right, than anybody else. I just imagine there's some state meeting at the Capitol. Like, yo, we gotta fucking rebrand, okay? We gotta let these people know we're way more than what we used to be. It's like, just start researching. It's like, oh, fuck. Shit. Oh, ah. We used to lead the country. Fuck, cotton. God damn it. Fuck. Dude, we fucking flew here first. We flew, first in flight. First in flight. You know what's funny about that? They didn't even fucking live here. The fucking Wright Brothers lived in Ohio. The shittiest state in the country. And North Carolina legislators were like, you know what? We have a long history of taking shit. Let's just take credit for that. And then it got even funnier, because I'm closing the trunk to my fucking rental car. That bitch says, first in freedom. State got me fucked up. Who's approving these things? Who the fuck? I just imagine they're like, yeah, dude, do that. That'd be fucking hilarious. No, I love, I love this. I've lived in the South for a long time. I lived in Florida, which is the north of the South. I get that. Now I live in Texas. All right, Texas is cool. Anytime I travel in the South, I make sure I bring my camouflage. You know what I'm saying? Just in case shit goes down from afar. I'm one of you. All right. Gives me just enough time to find every gay bar and distribute them. Everyone put your fucking hats on. The dudes will just kick the fucking doors in. All right, gays. God damn it. This place is empty, Jim. It's just a bunch of us. I don't know what. I do love that every city I've done so far in North Carolina. I can almost guarantee that I know where a few of you were on January 6th. There he is. There's my guy. He got the fucking double silver rope up around his neck too. Chain-link necklace, fucking wrist guard, watch. He's got guns. You know, he has some yard sensor and just as soon as it. What you want boy? It's all right. I see you. Those fucking dudes are hilarious because I know that on Tuesday, January 5th. They were just like working just these fucking white dudes cosplaying as warriors. Like I fucking got this dude. Do I look good? Does it? It doesn't match. It doesn't matter. They're at their fucking plumbing job on Tuesday and they're not working anymore. They're like the supervisor. Okay, you know what? The fucking job's a little bit over budget, bud. Little bit over budget and then that night they go home and it's like activated. But what's even funnier is to think about like some of those dudes have corporate jobs. So they had to actually submit PTO requests. They sent that shit at like 1 a.m. They were like, I need tomorrow off. What's the reason? Fucking Liberty, dude. Yeah, fuck you guys. Thank you guys. I just love them at we got like furry conventions and then they also cosplay. They throw on their little bulletproof vest and they're fucking black and white flag. They're like, I'm fucking look at me Jimmy. Look at me. This guy's like awful. They didn't have one big enough for me. I don't know what to do. He's a big guy. You guys can't see him. It's all right. I missed that one. You can't hit them all. All right, can't fucking swing. What do you do sir? What kind of management are you in? You look like a fahon. Let me just look at you for a second. Fucking boat shoes, multiple neck. You definitely don't work with your hands. You used to. I'll give you that. You look like an inspector of something. No. All right, lay it on me. What do you do? Procurement. What do you procure? Fucking civil liberties, dude. Fucking like fucking procure that we fucking always have the Second Amendment, bitch. He goes, that's right, baby. He's the fucking January 6 starter pack, dude. He got the fucking the goatee. Oh, yeah, this guy had fucking knows what it's all about. He's like fucking North Carolina from day one, baby. Fucking fucking, you know, he has the don't tread on me shit on his truck. Fucking Ruger sticker on the bumper. He has gold at his house is what I'm saying. This motherfucker goes to Costco and they're like, oh fucking that's a not a bad price for an ounce of gold right here. And I just to be just to be clear. I'm little okay. I'm not a big dude. I talk a big game. Don't hit me. I do try my best to look bigger than I wear flannel. I wear the red hat. I try to have a tattoo on my finger, dude. But at the end of the day, no, I'm not. I don't I do not pull it off. Some of you motherfuckers at the end of the shows be like, oh, you're so little. Oh, I get it bitch. I know. You I went to high school like I know that is foreign to you. But yeah, I fucking know how big I am. It's worse. I also feel like I just look like Mario which is not very threatening especially like a washed-up Mario like I haven't saved the princess in six months. So I just drink every day at the bar. 50-50 chance. I'll be sucking dick for money in any any day now. It's not a good place to be. I'm a millennial. I think a lot of you guys Millennials Gen X's. Hell yeah. I couldn't tell where the cheers were from whether it's Millennials or Gen X's, but I accept you boomers. Shut the fuck up. Okay, although I do know that the older ones in the crowd. They are reformed boomers. They did beat the shit out of their children, but they're trying to be better now. They're texting them that they're that they're at my show like you will you talk to me now? Like look, I'm I'm trying to be better. There's such a I'll give him this. All right. I will give the older generation this they were fucking badasses. All right back when the mob could kill still kill people the labor unions meant something sir, you know what I'm saying? I wanted to go a little bit darker deeper than that. I stopped I stayed up here stayed right up here. Sometimes I do need to remember where I am. You know what I'm saying? I was gonna say the schools weren't integrated yet. See I told you I didn't want to say it but I felt I felt the eyes looking at me like say it and that's on you. All right fucking pieces of shit. I'm just selling the uncomfortable truths of your land. All right, I'm from Boston. But we are listen. I'll call a spade a spade. We're bitches now. Well Millennials are just pussies 100% my dad used to tell me a story that his dad my pa who was also a piece of shit. I come from a long line of pieces of shit. Okay, but he has really cool stories. He's like my dad. He would beat the shit out of me. I was like, well, it's not very cool. That's not a cool part of the story. Be like my dad would come cover come home covered in blood. I don't fuck you. That's cool. Dude. Are you fucking kidding me much better than procurement fucking what's your dad do? Oh, he fucking does tick-tock. That's not fucking cool. Covered in blood. He used to say he had bags of money in the fucking closet like his dad would just have bags of money, which I'm sure was procured illegally. But she's it makes me think the only thing that our kids are going to find in their dad's closet is their dads. He took that way too personally. He was like fuck dude. Fuck bro. It's just it's just not the same dude. What what how long have you done welding? Am I close? Have you ever held a fucking welding gun? Fuck? Yeah, dude. Fuck. Yeah, that's all I need. That's all I need. What do you do? Okay, fucking tradesman dude. Fuck this guy. So you're a woodsman. All right. What did you do before that? So you lied to me. You've never welded a fucking thing in your days. Just as a hobby. You're just out there. You got a fucking big-ass mask for fun. Okay, fuck me. You got a lot of ink. What's it? What's the dude on your arm? It looks like Fidel Castro from here. That Eddie Murphy. Billy Dee Williams. Who the fuck is that? Is that a North Carolina thing? I did. What is he? Lando Calrissian? I don't fight. Oh, sorry. Oh, let's go to the fucking let's go to the fucking nerd convention next. Look at me. Oh, he's the fucking title character of fucking return of the Sith dude. You don't look into I'm talking about fucking date of birth December 18 1971 dude. You fucking shitting me? He's a sat. He's a fucking Sagittarius. You what are you talking about? You fucking kidding me? Dude dick size 4.34. Are you fucking you don't know this guy? This is fucking bullshit. The fuck dude not fucking I don't even feel like doing woodwork anymore. This fucking guy fucking guy disgusts me the fuck babe. What the fuck did you take me to this piece of shit doesn't know fucking Edward El Carzon is he's like me. So I'm a fuck you up dude. It's what I'm a I'll fuck it. I'm gonna fucking Edward Carzon the fuck out of you motherfucker. I was kidding. I love you. Don't hurt me. Please. Yes, there is a police officer here. I was told someone shot a bullet in this place at one point. Don't let that be you. What's your name? Zach. Okay, I'm gonna leave you alone Zach cuz you look like you are this close. Zach. My name is Derek Cahill. I say that because I know that a lot of women here dragged their husbands to this show. I want to be clear. I know I know what we're doing and then some of the dudes in here are here because they thought I was just going to talk about construction the whole night and then some of them felt tricked when they saw the red hat. They were like a fucking oh god damn it. Another gay lib has infiltrated North Carolina. Yeah, you guys are risk-takers. I guaranteed there were some conversations on the way here like who the fuck is this guy that we're gonna go and see and you were like, no, I know him from the internet. Yeah, fuck you. All right enough enough with the laughing you fucking pieces of shit. That was a small laugh thing to say not fucking Jesus all of you you pieces of shit. You're just like I hope he's funny. What a big risk some of y'all fucking got babysitters for this is an investment. Yeah, dude. Some of y'all probably got kids in the car with the AC on. But thank you all for coming out but specifically thank Zach for coming out. What an amazing man Zach. Do you have is it your own business? You do woodworking for what's the name of the company? The Lindsay cabinet company motherfucker does the immaculate work immaculate where I heard he wants carved a baby Yoda and it was impeccable. It was impeccable. 10% Commission just if anything comes through. Now, thank you guys so much for being here. I'm assuming we get a lot of parents in here based on the depression. I feel in the back in the back. I got told that y'all love to drink so far and I was like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's that or murder our children. So we got to be pick it pick our battles pick our battles. Do you got kids Zach? How many to I'm sorry that you're my guy tonight, dude. I am I get one dude per show and just yeah, but I can't he'll kill me. He's carrying a gun right now. You look like you skew more liberal. I'm taking my I'm taking my chances here is what I'm doing. It could be completely flipped. He could be the gay old man. I don't know. He has a lot of jewelry on I mean it could be it could be but also old dudes. They had that jewelry game. We can't pull that jewelry game off. I feel like yo, she outed you a little bit. She's like no you fucking wears plenty of jewelry to where's plenty of jewelry. You've I could see you guys from the green room. You have a fucking Cobra grip on this woman. You have not moved your arm an inch since this like you're not good in a way. I told you I found the deport. I found the divorce papers Linda. You're not getting away from this marriage. God damn it. You leave we leave if you know what I'm saying. Okay, you picking up what I'm putting down Linda. Are you are you fucking okay? Okay. Oh, I love you too, honey. I love you too. Yes, but getting me pulse, you know, that's what we do on Thursday nights. Get the fuck out of my face is there that I'm watching the Carolina Panthers right now. Okay. And you know that she gets me depressed. Okay. All right, you hear me? She's looking at me like oh my God. I love you guys too much. Oh my God. Okay. All right. Let me chill. Hey, hola. All right. Okay, my bad. My bad. What do you guys do? IT. Okay, unsuspecting you. IT. Oh word. Okay. So you like got out. All right, that's it. I'm too close. I'm fucking too close to the line. I'm fucking like, yeah. All right. So kids, am I right? Fuck dude. We got this totally under control. Totally under control. I have three children. The oldest and cuntiest of them all is 15, you know, y'all got Tina anyone in here got teenagers yet? Where's your where's your date dude? Cool. So like yeah, she's on that lesbian journey. I've never been an old. I've never met an old divorcee. That's not a little bit interested in the pool, you know, and look, come on you give lesbian energy. I'm telling you she does she does you oh my God. She given her she's given her own. She drives a Subaru. She said she said I'm sending the messages. No one's no one's picking up what I'm putting down. She has one of the equal signs on the back of it. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. How so you have a teenager? I'll stop fucking with all of you here now. Yeah, it's crazy cuz like they're always a little bit of assholes, you know I'm saying but like I saw I literally saw my son's transformation not that kind of transformation Jill Jill. I might be a little bit Northern but I'm South with you guys on that one. Okay, 13 14. He tried flex in a little bit. It's like he was practicing. It's like he was in dick boot camp and then 15 comes. It's fucking full-blown this motherfucker thinks he is just a grown-up in my house now. Like he wants to make his own fucking bedtime. He wants to make he wants to do all the shit he wants to do and if I say no, he's like bitch like what you're selling bro, you're fucking selling and it's funny cuz he's still like in the morning needs to get woken up sometimes, you know, he'll walk around like a big bad motherfucker and be like what's for breakfast today? Wants to be a big bad motherfucker 23 hours a day, but at dinner he's like, you know, I don't like walk away. Why you give why you give me this walk away? Just so fucking disrespectful. They do they think they're just grown-ups. They think that it's like when's the fucking last time you paid a bill bitch. You have to take care of me with high-speed internet. You fucking idiot. What are you talking about? And the cool thing is, you know, we have three kids aka I don't get to like go on a lot of dates with my wife. My son now has his first girlfriend. So now not only do I not have to date my wife, but now I have to pay for this fucking kids dates. That's a fucking slap right in the dick, dude. He does one job at the house dishes. I pay him a fucking meager $15 a week. He hasn't figured out that he could flex on me a little bit. I have some wiggle room. I'd go up to 25. I'm not going to offer it though. And this bitch has the balls sometimes to come back after being out. No one did the dishes for me. Get the fuck out of my face, but you're lucky. I didn't fucking piss on the dishes while you were gone. All right, get the fuck out of my face shit in the sink for you to clean up because sometimes that's what I need to see you do clean shit out of a sink to feel like you're worthy of being in my fucking house. You piece of shit. I know that we love them, but they are pieces of shit sometimes. All right. Just stay in the dumps speaking through all of your hearts and souls right now. I do. Sometimes I have to wake him up in the morning and this bitch has hairier legs than I do and I go in there. I'm like, hey, are you awake? Do you sleep good? You have good to get the fuck out of my face. Okay, okay. I would have loved if my dad would wake me up sweetly like that in the morning. There are times he used to have a I bought him a guitar for him to never learn how to play. And I used to go in there and I'd pick it up and I'd sing him a song big Landon. It's time to wake up same thing. Get the fuck out of my room. My dad never sang to me. Are you kidding me? I would fucking die for the only thing my dad did was hit me. I still do you guys drive your kids to school pieces of shit over here like real proud of it. No, fuck those kids. Fuck you. If I'm up at 730 and you're still in this house, not at the fucking bus stop bitch. I will fucking I got a I got an Amber Alert recently, which is so funny right fucking missing children. No one gives a fuck. Let's be real anytime. I've ever we all get them at the same time. If right now we all got an Amber Alert. We'd be like it's all we that's all we would do but I got one that was from just two cities south of me. They're always from like 80 miles away. It's like what the fuck am I going to do dude like get my helicopter and fucking do an air search for this kid dude, but I got one it was like uncomfortably close. It's like oh my God, it's getting into like safe America. That's not good. That's not that's not a that's not very suburban of my area and the context was a little kid had a piece of shit family like you guys to let them walk to school. And they get they got a report that the kid never showed up for school. He was supposed to take the bus miss the bus was walking to school went missing. I love it. We're laughing really heavily as I'm telling a missing kid story. We're all equals here pieces of shit turns out the kid just skipped school and was found at his friend's house and I can tell you with 100% certainty if that happened to me there would be another Amber Alert the next day for that same kid. If I fucking blast it out to 80 mile radius and your fucking bitch ass just skipped school. Oh my God. And my fucking teen talk such a big game if he ever got kidnapped if that motherfucker ever got kidnapped. I'd be on the news be like what happened with a boy. So big and bad got kidnapped from the street. It'd be embarrassing. I'd be embarrassed for him. He'd show up be like can we move like now I do you're good. You go to school. Tell him how you fucking tried to get free candy from someone you idiot. I drive my kid to school still and it's annoying because I'll get there and there's like three cars usually before I get to the front door and I'll put it in Park and I'll fucking stop get him ready and I'll hey, I hope you have a good day, bud. I have your day is amazing. I hope you make friends. I have your lunch is good. I hope you know just like have a good day and he'll be like, can you get a little bit closer to the front door, please? So I'll throw it and drive and go a few seconds up and put it in Park. I hope you have a good day, but I hope I hope you had make good a lot of friends. But by the time I even get any words out of my mouth the door slam shut. Fuck you. I'm good. Thanks for being here. You piece of shit. I feel like uber driver at times, you know, except at least uber drivers never have to see that bitch again. Not me. I'll see you in six hours. And I like to get there a little early. So he knows that I love him, you know, so he knows when he walks up. He doesn't have to look for his dad like I had to look for mine, you know? And it's cool. I get to see him walk out of the school. I get to see him see me see him come out of the school. It's a really cool moment. And then it goes to the next moment of me seeing him see me see him see me see him as he turns around and talks to his friends for 10 fucking minutes. And the most annoying part of that is he'll get in the car because I'll tell you what the fuck bro. He'll get in the car. He's like, do you have anywhere to be? Yeah, fucking you up dude. If you make me wait another fucking minute for you because he knows when I'm home. I don't I don't I don't have plans but that's none of your fucking business, dude. I sure as fuck don't want to see you sitting here be like, oh, I love you, baby. I love you to his little girlfriend. About to start fucking playing Mariah Carey when I pull up. And the whole bedtime for a team really fucks me up, dude. It's 1030 on school nights, which I think is reasonable, right? You guys reasonable. Thank you. Affirm me. Thank you. His real bedtime is 11. It's get the fuck off video games at 10 30 p.m. He disrespects me at all times, which is fun. He'll be like, yo, let me get 10 more minutes. I'm talking to my girlfriend. I'll be like tell her to go fuck herself, please. Get off at 1030, but my wife does roller derby two nights a week. She does fucking. Yeah, I know. I know she a bad bitch. I mean, look, I need someone to protect me. The only downside to our relationship is she gives zero blowjobs. So that sucks a little bit. But you know, beggars can't be choosers. I can't be like protect me and also suck my dick. I like I don't want to be. I don't be fucking greedy with my needs. My wife fucking hates that joke with everything in her body. Hates it. She fucking hate. She told me she came to one of my shoes. She was like, are you fucking kidding me right now? And I said, I was like, I fucking tell the truth. I think it's funny. I got to tell it. I got to tell the people what I think is funny. It's my truth. Do you want to change the truth? Like I can. I could take the joke out. But no, I still tell it unfortunately. But there are nights. So there's two school nights a week that I manage the bedtime for all three of my kids. I got 15, 8, and 3. You know, a 15 year old can go fuck himself. I'm in bed with my three-year-old way earlier in advance. But now on those nights, I have to trust that he's not going to be a piece of shit, which I don't know if you know anything about teens, but that's all they are is pieces of shit. So I'll be putting my three-year-old to bed. He sleeps on me because I love him and he doesn't talk shit to me yet. But I'll notice like 1045 will come around and I still hear that my he's bedrooms right above my bedroom and he doesn't think about that when he continues to disobey me up there. So I'll just I can't hear everything he says but I make it out to be like fuck that guy downstairs. That little bitch. What's he gonna do? Ha ha putting a baby to bed you fucking pussy. Yeah guys, I'm back. Fuck my dad, you know, I feel like it's. I feel like that's what he says. So I don't know if you guys do this. I try to let a lot of shit roll off my back as a parent like I don't want to fucking crack down on everything. I feel like parents that crack down on everything end up raising like crack heads. Valid, you know, you fucking catch him doing everything. They just get real good at being sneaky. So I try to let him get away with some shit, even though I lurk at all times. I fucking know everything but on this night in particular, I just had one too many fucking fucks to give dude. I couldn't so I took my baby and I rolled him off of me, which moms you will get this the most that's the biggest risk you can do. You never wake a sleeping child. You never fucking risk that toddler that is currently sound asleep to be awoken. I took the risk. I was like fuck it roll him off. Luckily. He stayed asleep or I would have murdered Landon. It would have been a not a good scene in my home. So I get this kid off and I don't even remember walking through my house. I think I was floating through the house. I find my way to the garage to the breaker panel and I shut the entire upstairs off. I'm not proud of the next part. I was fully erect at that time. I don't know if you guys have ever felt power like that, but it was uncontrollable. I was like, I think the dick flip the switch. Actually, I can't I got light. I got light headed. Although it's a little bit blurry. All I know is I come to and it's fucking silent in my house silent. No more shit-talking teen quiet like imagine how quiet it was like 15 minutes after the Titanic sank. Just nothing. Except I sat there for a minute and I just go the fuck to sleep bitch, but then you get the attitude even if they fuck up. That's the thing that pisses me off the most of a teen fucks up. He still comes downstairs like you're the piece of shit that did it to him. It'd be like midnight. I'll catch him up. So be a fucking piece of shit fucking or can't play video games. Now. I can't be trusted with my cord on what basis? Why can't I be trusted? One time fucking this 19th time bitch this week and my eight-year-old my eight-year-old daughter is my sweet baby. She's my girl. I got two boys and my middle girl and I fear that I have raised like a communist leader a little bit with her, you know, I don't know. Listen, I can't speak for the entire crowd, but I have a little bit of trauma to overcome with my parents in the way that they fucking raised me and you know treated us. So I try to go out of my way to be fucking cool. You know, I don't want to overreact to my kids. I want to give them an opportunity to speak for themselves if they get in trouble, but there was fucking one day dude where I didn't even see my daughter. I saw like a little Johnny Cochran that I had raised, you know, you go your whole time raising them. It's like now she won't use that against me. She does she does you give this power and she's like fuck you. I'm fucking immortal. Now my son my three-year-old was crying in the living room and I go to see what's happening and my daughter looks at me. I'm like baby girl. What happened? She goes, what did you see? I was like what? I didn't see anything. All right, then what the fuck do you want from me? You think I'm fucking watching everything that happens you think I just you think I got eyes on the back of my head. It's like you're fucking eight years old, dude. So now we have a ring camera in the living room. So before I confront her I'm like listen just before I even start this conversation just know first of all, you're entitled to an attorney. All right. So am I and second of all I have it on ring camera you fucking asshole, but then all she has to do is that's fine. It looked like an accident. You're all good, dude. You're all good. My three-year-old is currently my favorite. It used to be my daughter, but she's a fucking asshole now. She's she's graduated. So now my three-year-old he does still shit himself though, which is a little bit of a bummer for me not because he shits himself but because he can speak fluent English and I'll go I'll go pick him up and he'll be like, no, no, I'm pooping. I'm pooping. It's like, all right, like that's cool. Like I also wouldn't want to be picked up if I was taking a shit. So in a sense, I kind of feel like we've done the right thing with you so far that you're not into that. Like I don't pick him up and he's like, oh, yeah, it's like all right, dude. Chill bro. What the fuck the fuck did you just do? So he's he's averse to the being touched when shitting when but it's like if you can tell me you got a shit, you can like tell me you got to take a shit. Okay, all it just two minutes prior. Dude, you just said a feeling is the same if you feel it crowning just be like yo, can I go use the bathroom because I don't want to change your shit. He'll fucking run for me with a shit diaper. Like I yearn for it. Like it's the fucking keys to the kingdom. It's a 10% raise at my job. Like let's go. I don't want it dude. And he just doesn't fucking get it and I fucked up with the potty training so bad. We wrote it. He was doing all right with peas on the potty. He'd be like, yo, I gotta go take a pee but there was one time we were at a really busy restaurant and I didn't want to take him to the bathroom. So I was like, it's all right, dude. Just be your pants. Just be your pants one time and now there's no going back. He's like, fuck you, dude. What I can just fucking do this whenever I want. You've been making it seem like I had to go on the toilet. So we're just fucked now. It's fucking worse. Dude. They're just little gaslighting dick holes doing like all of them. It's like I got an asshole assembly line when I zoom out far enough. Like I got a 15 year old that's nearly fully cooked and it's like, oh my God, what an asshole. Let's just keep doing it the same though. The same way. We've been raising these kids to fucking it's working for us, dude. Fucking dinner. They just gaslighted. You put dinner in front of them. I'm not very hungry right now. Yes, you are. Just eat your dinner. I'm not hungry. And if we were boomers be like, you're gonna eat that fucking food. I'm gonna fucking shove it down your fucking throat. So we're like, it's fine. We'll save it for later. Okay. I never make them eat the fucking save dinner because they'll be like, why do you hate me? Why the fuck do you fucking hate me? And then right before bed, what do they do? I'm angry. Emma, you got fucking sandwich for me? You got fucking... And I don't think they quite understand all we have as adults is bedtime. An hour, maybe two hours and shit it within we got three minutes to fuck our wives in there. You chip into my bedtime, dude. You are fucking with the wrong animal, bro. Okay. I don't even need to fuck every night. I'm not insatiable. I'm not an animal, but I need the hope. If I fucking, if I go downstairs and my wife's already sleepy, I'm gonna fucking kill myself, dude. Okay. I need a glimmer of something. This can do it. Just a fucking eyebrow wiggle for my wife will hold me over till tomorrow. Okay. But if I go downstairs and she's always like this. God damn it. It's a fucking worse dude. And then they get you. You'll, my daughter has access, my own fucking fault. I found this old iPad and I charged it for some reason. So now my daughter thinks that's her iPad and I was very clear, baby girl, you can't touch this unless you ask permission. She's like fucking got you dog. That's the interpretation of what happened. So the next morning she wakes up. She runs in, look what I can do on the iPad and I was just on one. I was like, I thought I fucking just said you couldn't be on that without permission. Give me that iPad. No, wait, give me the iPad. I put it in the top drawer. She goes out in the back crying and then I go baby girl. Come on. We talked about this. I just wanted to show you a cute picture that I took with you on it. I'm like, let's go get it. I'll go look at it. It's fine. I'm sorry that I overreacted furthering our fucking gap of power, dude. We have no power anymore, dude. Our fucking God and even bedtime dude. It's it trails right into bedtime. My daughter is eight. I would love to tell you she sleeps in her own room. You have no idea how much I would love to tell you that she sleeps in her own room. She almost did. There was a small period of time where she almost slept in her own room. But on one fateful evening, she was coming downstairs and fell down the stairs. Knocked herself clean unconscious, which not fun. Not fun, too. I did not fuck my wife that night at all. So we took her everything was fine. It was cool. But my wife was then like we can't fucking let her sleep upstairs anymore. This is terrifying. I was like, no, I totally agree. We shouldn't we should have her sleep in our room. Actually, if you think about it, we'll probably be the safest option for her and also to ensure we don't have children ever again. So we do we do finally have the rule where she falls asleep in her own bed, which fucking sucked to do. We have a toddler bed in our bedroom, which was initially designed for the toddler that sleeps in my bed right now. But unfortunately, I've been trying to gentrify that neighborhood for so long, but the fucking pores just keep coming back, dude. Okay, Ophelia in the middle of the night. We'll sleep in that. So our child is our little three-year-old snugly right between me and my wife AKA. I don't fuck ever. Okay, but even the end of the night even with Ophelia knowing she can come downstairs. If she wakes up, I still she fucking demands that I stay upstairs with her until she falls asleep and there's no fighting her. What am I gonna? I tried. Okay, I tried to go to battle like no, but you're fine. This is your house. It's safe. And she was like you got me fucked up for someone that is gonna listen to you. You're gonna be up here. Okay, you got me you got me dog. So I find myself in my office across the hall just sitting fucking Native American style. You're not catching me fucking up tonight, dude. It's Native American style. All right, just contemplating my life's choices. Like what the fuck is what got me here? What what did this to me and 30 minutes will go by and I'll go move and the floor go and I'll hear it daddy. There are times I wish I could just look in that bedroom and see my daughter's completely asleep, but there's like a little dead ghost girl that lives in her room now yearning for her father that she is obviously looking for sad, but not my fucking problem. Okay, and I'll just sneak downstairs and my wife be like was that Ophelia is everything. Okay. Is she awake? I'd be like absolutely. She's fine. Actually there is a ghost that lives in the house, but Ophelia is asleep. Where are you at on like fucking? Cuz we got like 45 minutes to like set this up right now. You good. You're good. There are times. I'd like to look in a room and just see like a dead nun staring at me. I would take that over my daughter waking up just a fucking dead evil red-eyed nun be like you shut the fuck up you I don't care if you stay here. You can do your thing shut the fuck up at bedtime, bro. Okay, and then even if you break away and get downstairs and ladies, I'm going to let you in on some very vital information. If we touch your knee, we're trying to fuck. Okay. Step two is if we get here and you haven't stopped us. We are fucking okay. It's a two-step rule two-step rule. You'll be downstairs. You'll catch me right here and she will wake up daddy and you know, you get to that point. It's like what the fuck do you want? What the fuck and they hit you with I just wanted to say that I loved you so much. And you are actually the best dad. I've ever heard of in my entire life the way you look at me the way you want me to sleep. Everything's perfect. You're so you didn't fucking guess on what you were going to say you fucking asshole. I do also want some water if you can every fucking time dude every fucking time with these kids and then you go to sleep and you cry 100. I can't tell you how many times I've laid down. I'm like, why did I yell at her? Why did she doesn't deserve? She doesn't deserve that treatment for me. Not at all. They just fucking bully us dude. That's all we're just a general. I you sir are not in your head. How you're you're you didn't experience the bullying that we experienced as Millennials as a child unless you did then fuck you. You look like you own a motorcycle. Fuck. Yeah, you do. He knows him. I said the January 6th thing. They were like, thank you for coming out dude. What do you what's the table dynamic here? Do you know the whole table or just oh, are you guys going to fuck tonight all four of you? You are there was a little bit of excitement in her voice. We just you know, it's sparking right now. We're just still working on it. Yeah. Well then no one's fucking at all. They're going to get home to an awake toddler. Who's babysitting your kids? Is it a babysitter? Oh, so he lied. Oh, no good fucking love that improv dude. It's good. So you guys are married. You guys are married cool. I like your vibe dude neon yellow. You're a fucking gym teacher vibe going on right here. You're shitting my dick. This man's on a gym teacher. Oh my I would have left I would have been like I've peaked. There's no coming back from that. Do you mountain bike over to unemployed? Like that's the only thing left. What do you do? What do you what do you do? That's the same energy. If we're going to be honest here, you just haven't found life's passions yet. You're going to fucking invest in a mountain bike one day engineer. What kind of engineering like civil engineering McHale fucking fancy the rich guy. Rich guy. All right, dude, the fuck is mechanical engineering like buildings and stuff, right? Systems. Okay, my dick. Thank you guys. I appreciate that. How about you my man? What do you do? Let's give it up for the fireman in the audience. Thank you, dude. And you my lady. What do you do? I'm not sexist. I know women work. You fucking pieces of shit. I was just doing tic-tac-toe for the beginning. Are you looking for a man in finance by any chance? Six five blue eyes. All right. Got you. You're six to six. Did she just say Jesus? I'm so fucking mad at that because it's like that's an unnecessary height. Okay, six fucking six, bro. That could have been evenly distributed with me. We could have both been we could have both been fucking six one dude, but instead you steal it from me. Okay, fuck you. I didn't need to okay. Okay, that's unnecessary and uncalled for this fucking microphone stands almost bigger than me, dude. You know what? That's like, you know, that's like sometimes I get on stage the microphone stands to I feel like a fucking baby trying to lower it. Bullying is a huge fucking word these days bullying. It's very fucking PC. I can you imagine if we as like our age going back to high school ever went into the principal's office and said I'm being bullied. Can you fucking imagine? The principal would have been like in my face would have called my dad and like did you know your son's gay? Yeah, dude. No, I know I didn't catch him sucking the dick, but I feel it. I've I don't know if he brushes teeth or got cum in his mouth, but there's something on the corners of his mouth. Super. Oh, yeah. No, I know. He does look like a bitch. Doesn't he? I know who cut this fucking kid's hair. Oh my God, Jesus. Oh, he's never gonna fuck a woman a hundred percent dude a hundred percent. Oh, yeah drinks later. Yeah, which one? Yeah, dude. I'm so sorry about your gay son, by the way. Okay. All right. I love you too. He'd go on the intercom be like attention students. We've got Derek a hill in the office. He is a huge pussy. But with that experience emboldens me my kid all my listen. I'm fucking small dude. So my kids are small people. All right, my 15 year old a little guy. So I have to be like no what I would have done is fuck those kids up for bullying me. But in real life I was like can't fucking let my son know that I can be like no your dad was actually a pussy. So I don't know what to tell you. And my eight-year-old recently got bullied in our neighborhood which fucking dude. I'm a little bit of a crazy person. I don't know if you guys can tell with just the way I think and the things that come out of my mouth, but there was this girl. She's like 12 or 13 years old. My daughter was 7 at the time and they used to play and hang out all the time. But one day my daughter comes home. She was going to go over to her house and she comes home crying and I was like, what happened? She goes. She doesn't want to play with little kids anymore. I was like, oh shit in my head. I was like, well, okay, that makes sense. She's getting older. She doesn't want to play fucking Barbies anymore. I was getting ready to have that conversation with her, but then she goes. Yeah, her mom told me and I was like her fucking mother said that to you. Okay. Well, hey, actually don't need to worry about because I'm going to kill her mother today. Yeah, it's all know. Well, no one will find she'll actually be missing for a really long time. And and when that little girl is crying. Look mommy. Where are you? You could be like, I'll help you through this situation and everything will be fine. Right? It's a little crazy. I legit I was getting a little worked up. Okay, and my wife was like Derek, don't I'll handle this because I was going to go down and fucking, you know, kill her mom. So my wife was like, I'll take care of this and I was like, all right, I trust you and just context. My wife doesn't like calling to make her own doctor's appointments. Okay, so that's the kind of energy she was giving me to go resolve this traumatic situation for our daughter. So a week goes by and I'm taking my daughter to the park and the whole gaggle of school-aged children in our neighborhood is there at the park led by the fucking biggest bitch on our neighborhood the bully girl and she goes, hey everyone, let's hide from Ophelia and my daughter starts crying and I was like, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God. So in my craziness, I start googling like, how do you how could I do a fucking neighborhood fucking Carnival and invite everyone except that little bitch? Like, I'm talking fucking zebras, petting zoos, fucking Ferris wheels, get the fucking biggest dudes ever to just guard the fucking front with one sign. No bitches allowed with her face. Just fucking turrets dude, just watching for her and we'd find her and the crowd would start cheering. It would be fucking everyone would be screaming like imagine two minutes after the Titanic sank. Like that level of fucking energy going on and I would just be like, yeah, this is my daughter's idea. Fuck that little girl over there. She fucking bully bitch and everyone would just start shitting and throwing it at her family. Just get the fuck out you pieces of shit. What the fuck is wrong with you and your family? We drive them from town. They'd lose their jobs. They'd be homeless. They'd start hopping trains. I don't know. I'm not keeping track of them, but I imagine that's what's going on. All right, and I would never say this about a 12 year old, but it's 20 years later. She's 32 years old now. She's a hooker. Sorry, bitch. Like and I would just find out how to bully and work out for you. And then I'd be like, I don't know $50 is a little steep, but fine. It's the least I could do. Fucking no, but instead of just fucking I live in a neighborhood and I have to keep my fucking mouth shut at all times. I Google it dude. Zebras were like five grand. So I couldn't I couldn't buy just closed out there. I just X out all the tabs and I let my imagination be good enough for me. How many of you guys have been here because like you like the fuck this house stuff. I fucking hate that you guys love it. Just so you know. All right. I hate it. It's I fucking hate working on my house and now my yeah, my fucking wife. Now if things break you make a video for it. So many things happen at my house that I feel like it's fucking built on an Indian burial ground. But then I'm like, oh wait America. Uncomfortable truths. I was doing I was doing a show in Oklahoma, which is like 50% Native American land still that you're still we graciously gave them half of that piece of shit state and I was driving down the highway and there was a billboard. I fucking swear to God there was a billboard that said it was targeting Native Americans. It said have you ever wanted the American dream of land ownership? I was like you fucking trolling pieces of shit America. I love it. Okay trolls trolls. It would be like if we were trying to encourage tourism to the United States and we put a billboard in Hiroshima like America is the bomb a billboard and like a billboard in like 1820 Charlotte, North Carolina that said America home of the free asterisk just not a good look, you know, yeah, fuck you guys. My dad did drugs. So did my mom. There was a dude in Raleigh front row seat. He was a pharmaceutical salesman. So it's like fucking bitch. That dude there was one thing if they did show me one cool thing like what it means to like really believe in like they like, you know, the like you can have a hobby that you fucking love like you would die for it. There's was Oxycontin and they fucking died for it. I love telling that story because especially in like the South because you know, there's always like those Southern bells like oh bless your heart. You know, they're looking down on you right now. They're so proud of you for what you've accomplished fucking looking down on me bitch. What you just fucking let anyone up there after you die like when they're on Earth, you're a bag of shit. But once you die off the good Lord, he's looking down on you. He loves you. It's like can you imagine getting to the pearly gates and it's like hey, here's your angel tour guide Jeffrey Dahmer and he looks at you and he's like dude, they let you eat whatever you want up here. I wanted to leave after that but I'm going to stay and make it a little bit more uncomfortable. I did I did. You guys are going to regret this. I grew up Catholic, which is cool. I didn't get fucked though, which just to be clear which at first I thought was actually cool. I felt like a champion but then everyone started coming out they get that they got fucked. It's like, all right, hold on a second like I know I'm not a 10, but I'm a fuck. I'm fuckable dude. All right, what the hell's wrong with me? Go ahead. Did anyone here grew up Catholic by any chance? It's fucking yo, it's the only place in the world. You'll catch a 90 year old woman with a wicker basket trying to take your money every fucking you pours. Give me a dollar. Religion is funny. I like you guys just like put politics dude. All right. I'm very in the middle. I know it looks like you know who I'm voting for but you don't you do you do I just I equally hate both sides. You get one president right now Biden. It just always looks like he's looking at high beams coming at him and then Donald Trump almost a hundred percent of the time looks like my toddler trying to convince me. He didn't shit his pants and I'm the same on religion. You do you baby boo? All right. I do hate follow a girl. That's pretty religious on Facebook. We all do it. Go fuck yourself. There's at least everyone in this room has one person. They hope is not doing well. So I find this girl does a post and it's a picture of a totaled car and the line says thank God and I was so mad. I had to click read more. I fucking hate that. I have to expand energy to hate her. So I click read more and she you know, listen at first. I was like, all right, thanking God for being safe. Cool. I'm not going to that's fine. You could you do did you you do what you got to do, but I click read more and she was actually thanking God because she needed a new car. I was like, I don't fucking think that's the way like that's your God bro, because it sounds like he might be like out for you a little bit right? Like I just imagine her version of God is like getting a tap. It's like yo, Jessica fucking actually survived that car crash dude. God, that's a fucking third time. What the absolute what are we going to do? Okay, cancer. That's her God. Not me that she put that into the universe. All right now, North Carolina Charlotte specifically, please indulge me in this. Okay, because there's a lot of talk about the Rapture going on and whatever your views are hear me out. Okay. There's a lot of people that can't wait for it. They're just so excited and I would be so excited if I could get tickets for it under like my version of the Rapture where Jesus would come back and there'd be a bunch of white women in the audience and they'd be looking at all the gays being like I told you. I told you that this was going to happen Jeremy, but you you sinned. So Jesus returns. Hey. My name's Jesus. He him guys. Thank you so much for coming out and supporting me tonight. Have a beautiful night. Thank you guys so much.