Dave Chappelle_ 20 Minutes of His Best - Stand Up Comedy

Thanks for coming out and thanks for making a nigga feel comfortable in the gayest place on earth You guys got Disney World jealous out this motherfuckers Man, I didn't really think it was that gay at first I was like, what is everybody cuz I was coming out here was like man that place is really gay So what the **** is everybody talking about? It's not so gay. And then I wandered into that Castro. God dang I said this is America's anus right here. This is this ---- is deep Went to that Tenderloin is Nothing tender about that ************ at all. That ---- was rough the opposite of tender I Have never seen crack smoke so casually before These niggas was sitting in front of Starbucks smoking crack and drinking coffee. I said this is off the hook Talk about politics. I See one crackhead trying to break into somebody's car man, and it struck a chord with me. I tried to stop I said hey, and he looked back and saw me and said, oh keep an eye out. It's a nigga That was me that said that I trying to help you. I Want this ---- to stop? Crackheads are like this. I had a crackhead break my car window one time broke it, you know, he stole ------- candy bar. I had lying on the seat. That's all he took the goddamn candy bar. I was so mad I drove around a neighborhood five hours Looking for a crackhead with chocolate on his face. I did that I finally found when I grabbed it motherfuckers. Hey, man, what's all this chocolate on your face? ************ He will confuse chocolate. This is doo-doo, baby. I said, oh man This place is insane But you know what? I like about saying friend and the reason I picked this city to do my special was because of all the major cities in America Somehow people get along here better than anywhere else. I've seen in the country That's right And I always admired saying friend for that and today I've realized how you did it Put all the niggas on the other side of that bridge There's nothing she ain't happy on that side Do you leave San Francisco like boy Thanks for coming to San Francisco Come back in April. We're having a sale on Birkenstocks Soon as you get to the other side, welcome to Oakland, bitch It's ******* crazy, but it also feel like it's the East Coast City in the West Coast you guys got subways and ---- I'm scared of public transportation. I was on a bus that was held hostage 45 minutes it wasn't like threatened. I don't wanna give you that impression It was a dude jerking off, but the ship was scary son. It was scary It was right before it happened. I was on the bus smoking a cigarette. It's a long story It's not the coolest ----. I ever did and people freaked out sir Sir, put that goddamn cigarette out. Okay, this is everybody's air, sir. I Flicked it. I didn't want any trouble And just at that moment Coincidentally this homeless dude out of nowhere pulls dick out Started beating off and I was furious Cuz nobody said ---- to this guy They were just looking like on the bus that had the balls to say anything to him It's not even like I was brave really it was that you know, I Was sitting next to the ************. I had to say something Come on, dog. You hit my elbows Son stop It's all I said I was I don't want to say too much Guys beating off on the bus means there's something wrong with this ************. He's not wrapped so tight I didn't want to push him over the edge Soon as I said something all these dummies on the bus now, they're brave He's right Put your goddamn cock away. I don't want to see this anymore. I don't want to see it either Yeah, now the guy flips out. All right, everybody back up back up. I tried to be nice about this Now everybody freaks out. Oh my god, it's a biological attack. Oh I'm caught in the middle. I can't lose my cool. I said, hey everybody just calm the **** down and you'll get me shot It's all just be cool. Let's do what this man says, so he'll leave us alone Now everybody gets quiet That's better It's better and then he start walking up and down the aisles. He's terrorizing us And then he starts making demands You and the pink shirt Squeeze your tits together Oh god, no, no You stick your finger in your butt. Why oh god. Why is this happening? Oh He was working my way ---- was tight Just that minute. I got saved dudes. I was so lucky this guy the other in the bus. He snapped He lost his mind. I seen it happen Screamed out rush him He can't come on all of us and charge of the hour And there's like a movie that's homeless dude seen him coming shot went off I dodged that ---- like the Matrix The guy behind me wasn't so lucky y'all That ---- was gross It didn't kill him, but it was I'm sure that fucked his day up You're not gonna have normal day of the homeless, dude Busting on your forehead and 830 in the morning. That's a wrap on the rest of the day This guy was freaking out. It burns Everyone's standing around looking I'm even homeless dude felt bad. I guess he was finished. She came back to his senses This is my stop. I Said relax mother ****** hadn't say something relax. Oh Okay, I got it. I know it. I said you can't get AIDS from a homeless dude busting a knot on your forehead That's not how it spreads. I Had to say something No ways comes from who the **** knows Scientists don't even know Scientists still say AIDS started to somebody had sex with a monkey word After all this research is the best explanation that you came up with mother nobody fucks monkeys and people you idiot You either **** monkeys or you **** people. That's it. There's no in between You're not gonna get some monkey pussy on Tuesday and then be like, oh, let me call Charlene on Thursday. No Once you **** a monkey, that's a firm decision. I'm out of the human pussy game for good It's ridiculous. You act like monkeys just as open as waiting for people to **** a man It's ridiculous monkeys don't want to be fucked by Pete Think about it think how hard it would be to catch a monkey and **** it. That's ridiculous That's how it had to go down Well, you think you're just gonna walk up to him in the woods and grab this nigga with the fruits and bananas. Hey, buddy. Hey Yeah There you go, buddy. Yeah Yeah There you go. You're big bright red ass It's big bright red booty You know how strong a monkey is Would rip your dick off like the celery stalk. It's Dough that ---- in the tall grass. They'll never be seen again Hey dog, we're gonna go to the club pick up some girls. You're trying to roll Nah, man, I'm cool I'm stay home dog Chill with my monkey You know how long it took me to train this monkey suck my dick Without peeling it. Mm-hmm Last night Chim Chim jerked me off with his feet nigga. Only a monkey can show you that kind of love and tenderness So y'all keep ******* these people if you want niggas more monkey pussy for me Hooking up with an orangutan next week That's all I **** is chimps and orangutans No, I feel real bad for is Indians Everybody feels bad for Indians. They get dog. They get dogged openly cuz everybody thinks they're dead These motherfuckers are not all dead. All right, I've seen with my own eyes. I've seen a gathering of 1,500 Native Americans, they were all gathered in one place. The place is called Walmart, New Mexico Whose Indians they were I've never seen Indians before I wasn't even sure if they were Indians It's fucked up, but I asked one of them That's not nice, but I seen him in the sports section looking at bows and arrows. I had to say something stuff. Excuse me. I Don't mean to be rude Are you an Indian and he was cool, yes Yes, I'm Indian Still didn't believe him. I had to test him to be sure this is fucked up but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket, so I balled that ---- up and I threw it on the floor and A single tear came out as acid. Oh ----. I had so many questions What tribe are you from? I am Navajo, I said word I studied you in social studies You're a hunter-gatherer, correct He said I guess so That's what you wish to call it. I said why what do you call it? He said I am An alcoholic I said, well, what's your name dog? He said please dog is my cousin. That's a good guess. My name is running coyote What is your name friend and that ---- caught me off guard I didn't want to say my name was Dave To a motherfucking name running coyote just don't feel good enough. He was putting me on the spot. I Said huh my name, but oh My name's Blackfeet Then I changed the subject forget about me. What's going on with you? I want to meet your chief Why don't meet you and your chief and your friends get together tonight? We could have a real live peace pipe smoking ritual We need to celebrate nigga. I thought you were dead And he set it up. It was beautiful. It was just like I dreamed. It was all sitting around Indians was beating the drum Other Indians came out the back with a long blanket that was folded in half and put in in front of us Open that ---- up and on the blanket was a long wooden pipe with feathers and bags of weed were all over the blanket Chief walked over The big ones are 50 the little ones are 25 These are 10 Man, those Indians got high as ----. I Was baked I told that she was talking I cut him off timeout chief Sorry interrupt ------- smash man. The weeds too strong. I'm itching this PCP. The spirits have got me chief The spirits have got me And the chief threw some water my face calm down blackface splash. I Said hey, it's Blackfeet ************. Take it easy Blackfeet You're welcome to stay amongst me and my tribe for the night Until the spirits leave you and they gave me my own TP to sleep in Which sounds nice. I personally felt like it was a little fucked up, you know, cuz they all had houses man It's like why can't I sleep with y'all in the house and watch TV and the guy can't be on his grass all night Man is rude man. Everybody's rude Indians. They eat nasty food. All they ate was corn and ---- Doritos, I think they call That's right. People only see the surface they see the division in our foods It's cuz I eat chicken and watermelon They think that that's something wrong with me Let me tell you something if you don't like chicken or watermelon something's wrong with you ************. There's something wrong with you We're all these people that don't like chicken and watermelon I'm sick of hearing about how bad it is. It's great I'm waiting for chicken to approach me to do a commercial nigga. I will not do it for free chicken least I can do They make fun of Latin people for eating. Uh, what y'all eat beans? rice Corn listen, that's not a reason to hate a ************. All right, it's funny, but it's not a reason to hate The only reason these things are even an issue is because Nobody knows what white people eat. You've been very good at keeping that ---- a secret amongst themselves. I Study white people. You don't know that I'm writing a paper on you Not even for school and they could just to do it just to get from doing its independent research. I'm spending my money That's why I'm working so hard. I Follow you around grocery stores. They freak out. I just try to peek in the car Get away from my car nigga, what are you looking at? Chicken and giblets are over there You must be lost These are vegetables. I Know what you drink. See how quiet I got Great juice surprise motherfuckers. He didn't know I knew about grape juice. Did you? Oh Don't play dumb with me Lot of black people don't have the privilege of knowing about grape juice because they have great drink. It's not the same formula Ain't no vitamins in that ---- You might have one of your black friends over Todd Todd Would you care for a glass of grape juice? Nigga, what the **** is juice? I Want some grape drink, baby? Mmm, it's purple. I Don't think I know what a great drink is what I? Have some apple juice if you want what the **** is juice. I Want some apple drink? Scream Remember that commercial for Sunny Delight when all the kids run in from outside playing they all run to the fridge All right, I got some purple stuff some Sunny D. So as you say Sunny D. All the kids go. Yeah Watch the black kid in the back. If you ever see that commercial again, look at that black kid. He'd be like I want that purple stuff That's drink nigga. That is drink They want They won't drink When all them vitamins nigga, I wouldn't drink sugar water purple That's the ingredients sugar water and of course purple