How To Control Toxic Masculinity in the Workplace

Toxic masculinity is something that can make women concerned about working with men. Now, since I worked in a lot of environments where we would expect it to be rampant, I want to talk about how it spreads and how I controlled it. Working in a male-dominated industry, I learned that out of every 10 to 15 men, I could expect to find one toxic man. And I could usually identify him because he spent a lot of time trying to round up a couple other guys to join him in some form of obnoxious or aggressive behavior. In the workplace, toxic behavior usually comes out in the form of bullying. As women, we're taught to associate this aggressive behavior with the alpha male. And that's exactly what the toxic man wants us to do. But in reality, he's not the alpha. He's actually just an alpha wannabe. And if we see through his facade, we realize we can probably squash his behavior all by ourselves. This is why most toxic men won't act out alone. Instead, he's going to have a couple of wingmen in the background encouraging his behavior. It's really important for women to understand that a toxic man acts out because he's allowed to. As women, we're taught we're supposed to report his behavior to management, and management will take the appropriate action. But the toxic man already knows that management isn't going to do anything. They're going to wimp out and ignore his behavior. So if you're getting that wishy-washy response from management, that's exactly what's happening. And if you expect them to change and finally address the situation, you're going to be sorely disappointed. This is why women need to take matters into their own hands and resolve the situation themselves. The first thing women must understand is that this isn't a man-woman issue. It's a man-man issue. For whatever reason, the toxic man doesn't feel respected enough. He feels low on the male hierarchy, so he needs to act out and prove his worth to the other men around him. He thinks that by bullying and picking on someone else, he will raise his status. Contrary to what we are taught, he usually picks on another man first. But if that fails, he'll turn his attention to a woman. Being a female manager in such a manly industry, you can imagine what I dealt with every time I had a toxic man working for me. But since I understood that this is a man-to-man issue, I stepped back from the situation and turned it over to the male hierarchy to resolve. Here's how it works. Let's say we have ten male colleagues and one is toxic. His first move is to recruit two men as his wingmen and create his little toxic gang where he can play the alpha. Out of the remaining men, there are another four you can't count on to stand up to him. They will wait to see which way the wind blows before they decide what to do. If no one controls the toxic gang, these guys will be recruited to join them because that's where the power is. It's this power shift that creates a toxic workplace. Out of the remaining three men, there's usually one highly respected man who will stand up for what is right. He is the man the rest of the men recognize as the true alpha. This is the man we need to identify. And usually all we have to do is explain the situation to him, stand back, and let him do his alpha thing. He will then recruit the remaining two men to form a gang of good guys. The good guys will engage the toxic gang and start reminding them who the real alpha is. The real alpha doesn't bully. He just reminds the toxic gang that he is respected and wields a tremendous amount of power. Seeing which way the wind is blowing, two of the non-committal guys will join the good guys. The good guys now outnumber the toxic guys five to three with the remaining two guys hiding out somewhere with your manager. With the true alpha asserting himself, the balance of power is restored. The biggest challenge women have in dealing with this situation is identifying who the true alpha really is. Our definition of toxic masculinity points us to the toxic man as being an alpha. Or we think that a manager, just because of his position within the workplace hierarchy, he must be an alpha. But a true alpha is someone who has gotten there because he's earned the position. He's there because he's earned the respect of everyone throughout the workplace hierarchy. A few final points. The vast majority of the men we work with are really great guys. I've been the only woman working with hundreds of men and have had absolutely no trouble. But I was also working with some really great alphas who kept the toxic men in line, including toxic senior managers. As a woman and a female manager, I learned to build a working relationship with the alphas. I was usually the first one who was aware of toxic behavior and then I turned it over to the alphas to take care of. But I also realized that things were working really well when they would come to me and tell me about a situation they handled that I wasn't even aware of. The truth is, alphas are a tremendous asset and they are our best friends in helping us create a really great working environment. This is Dot Callahan asking you to help me turn The Woman in the Room into The Women in the Room. Sign up for my newsletter, subscribe to my YouTube channel, or find The Woman in the Room on Facebook. It's up to you. Just keep watching and sharing my videos.