Australians Are So Nice That Even Meth Heads Are Nice | Mickey Bartlett | Sydney Comedy Festival

Yeah, what's up motherfuckers? I uh, I don't talk like that. Sorry about that. I'm actually from Northern Ireland. Um, oh, okay. All right. We're all here. Okay. Yeah, who's looking after the shop? It's uh, it's very nice to be here folks i've been in australia now for a couple of months and uh, i'm over it It was fun it was fun for the first two months and then I tried to buy cocaine and I thought no that's That's just salt keema gave me up. It was I don't like company though because I think australians you guys probably know this you have this reputation of being like really positive people I think it's very true. You know, you guys are very complimentary like fucking. Yeah, man. Get off your big dog. Fucking. Yeah You guys are so complimentary I recently got paid a compliment, uh by a meth head I swear to god. I was standing outside a hotel when I was having a wee vape I used to smoke but i'm vaped now because i'm fucking cool, right? And I was just standing there just blowing blueberries into the sky. Yeah And this meth head approached me, but you know how when you see someone on the street and you know They've been abusing drugs. So you get a little bit This guy was lovely he just looked at me and he went uh, he went oh big fella Stop going to the gym. You look fucking great I was like, thank you He was like no i'm fucking serious bro. Your shoulders look fucking sick I I was like that that's nice. You you have lovely gums It is nice being here i'm going through a weird phase in my life now folks i'm 37 now which isn't old it's not old Uh, but like I said i'm from northern ireland we've got about six months left and um It's weird 37 isn't old what i've discovered is 37 is the first age where people stop telling you you're going to be okay That's what i've discovered yeah because like if you're 25 and you hurt your back you go I've hurt my back People go well, you're 25, you know, you'll be okay Yeah, when you're 37 and you hurt your back people go my cousin had that And i'm starting to fall apart like weird things have started happening to me yeah like I I can't fart and walk anymore That's a medical emergency I just know i'm not able to do it. Yeah Like I could when I was younger I could fart with impunity, you know, I could crop dust an entire background Now if I need to fart I have to like I have to shut other things down In case I shit my pants like Like have you ever seen me outside the window of an estate agent and i'm looking through the window like And you're thinking oh mickey's gonna buy a bungalow i'm not I've had gluten It's a weird thing getting older, you know, I remember one time when I was younger I asked my granddad what it was like to get old. I said granddad. What's it like to get old? My granddad said mick the only way I could describe it. He said my mind Thinks i'm 21 But my body won't let me be And I remember thinking you've just ruined my fucking life Because I was 21 at the time and I was like this can't be it This can't be my fucking prime, you know at 21 I had back acne and it came too quick I mean now i'm 37 the acne's cleared up, but i'm I'm still a very punctual lover. You know what i'm saying? It's weird it's weird traveling as well as an irish person I don't really think irish people are supposed to travel. I don't think it suits us. Yeah I'm sure you guys know a few irish people in this country. They're just fucking nuts. Yeah irish people We arrive here. We see the sun. We don't know what it is. We get confused. We get drunk. We kill someone That's kind of how it happens And we've got all these weird irish people all these weird reputations around the world They're like we drink too much. We treat women like shit and we fight all the time and that's not true you know, we don't drink that much but I saw this thing online recently, right and it was uh, it was a survey was carried out Yeah, and in this survey discovered that out of a hundred countries Irish men are 71st in penis size And I read that and I thought why can't we lie Like that's a survey That's just asking people like Someone came up to us with a clipboard like do you have a do you have a big penis that we were all like no No, it's just bumps I used to fucking dream about having a big penis. You should think about it Love a fucking big penis When I was in my 20s you said to me in my 20s mickey if you had a big penis for one day What would you do? I would have said oh i'll fuck the next thing that moves. Yeah, okay If the wind catches that leaf i'll fucking shag it Now i'm in my late 30s. If you ask me mick if you had a big penis for one day What would you do? Do you know what I would do? I would go to the gym and get changed at the gym That's all I would do I'd just dry my ass in front of an old man Just knocking over deodorant turning the hand dryer on Batman really Hey, I do have a girlfriend now as well so back off bitches, uh, yeah, although she's not here and I don't love her so I am in a new relationship now It's interesting for me being in a new relationship because I uh, I didn't think it'd be in a new one 37 I thought by 37 i'd have like a wife. Yeah, to be honest with you I've been doing comedy for like 15 years. I thought by 37 i'd have a big bath full of just gravy and hookers I did I thought i'd have a little butler i'd have a bell, you know, i'd be like ding-a-ling-a-ling jeffrey He'd be like more gravy. Mr. Bartlett I'd be like no more women. He's like, of course, it's wednesday. How absent-minded ha ha You know, I thought after 15 years i'd be on the epstein island taking coke with stephen hawking. That's what I thought By the way I know it's been in the public eye for a while in the news for quite a few months now That stephen hawking was at an orgy on the epstein island. Okay. I know you guys are all over it I'm not I haven't stopped thinking about it. Okay every day. I've woken up just that thought I have one question who invited them Yeah, like i've never been to an orgy i've never been to one i've seen one through a window but i've never been yeah I just can't imagine he was a good addition to the party You know, like who's halfway through an orgy and thinks you know, this party needs more saliva Some of you guys just got offended on behalf of a suspected pedophile and that makes me question your morals more than mine to be honest I'm, just saying I don't think it makes sense. Like what did I use it was a bluetooth speaker doesn't make fucking sense Yeah I think the only way stephen hawking gets invited to an orgy is if his brother got the invite And their mom was like take him with you And the fact that he was disabled he was a fucking nerd that's about to ruin the mood, isn't it? Imagine you're at an orgy having a good time. He's just in the corner. Like the universe is expanding you'd be like stephen Shut the fuck up, dude Trying to have sex with this child I'll be honest with you. I didn't think I was going to say that either that one shocked me I jumped on my own body. What the fuck are you doing? What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, my girlfriend who I don't love I do I do It's uh, it's good times though. It is good times being in a new relationship It's weird for me though. It's tough for me being in a new one because i'm not a very sexually confident man Uh that might surprise some of you You know based on this shirt I'm, not a sexually confident man at all. I'm an animal in the bedroom though. I'm an animal, uh, but i'm a pug I just lie there and can't really breathe I think sometimes in life you can meet someone who's more sexually confident than you are Yeah, so i'm going to tell you a little quick story folks. Uh, i've had one one night stand my entire life Right just one and it happened right at the end of covid. Yeah, I was doing a show one night This lady came over to me and she said she said I think you're very funny And I was like, you're not wrong Thank you. Fuck you. Thank you And then she said she said would you like to come back to my place and have a cup of tea And I was like when you say cup of tea you mean like fucking Or is there something fucking wrong With that half of your head And she was like, I mean fucking and I was like, oh cool And then she was like, why are you doing it? And I was like i'm an empath I suppose. I don't know And we were back in her house we were making love and I was behind her because I was following all the code None of that face-to-face shit I wasn't taking any chances And I was there and I was doing my best I had about three and a half minutes and I thought well done mickey That's a new pb I'm not joking this this woman turned around. Yeah and looked at me Yeah Yeah, like an owl And she said mickey, could you do me a favor? Okay. Oh, you know, you're not doing a great job When a woman has the breath in her body to say could you do me a favor, okay But i'm a 21st century man. So I was like anything my lady And this is what she said. She said, um, she said could you slap my ass? Yeah, i'd never slapped a woman's ass before. Okay in the sheets or the streets. I've never done it. Yeah, I wouldn't i'm a feminist. Yeah So I so I didn't know how hard or how soft or I didn't I didn't know yeah, so I went for like a gentle kind of like a like Like do you ever see somebody try to move a sheep? And she was still staring at me she went like this she went nah Slap it harder. Okay. No, I haven't been catholic since I was about seven, but I started saying prayers again I was there like please jesus. Give me the strength to beat the fuck out of this woman And I went for the second slap I went for the michael jordan like from downtown And she was still staring at me but this time she was less an owl more like the exorcist yeah I'm, not making this up. This woman looked me in the face and went fucking hit me you queer And I was like madam. I don't think that's your word I was like you've just turned this from domestic violence into a fucking hate crime And I don't know who the bad guy is And I got talking to her afterwards and she said mickie you have to understand women are a lot more confident these days There's nothing wrong with a little bit of rough sex Yeah, there's nothing wrong with a bit of ass slapping a bit of hair pulling maybe even some light choking And I was shocked I had no idea that was a thing here. I was a millennial man I thought I'd developed a system to create the perfect orgasm That's what you need the lady is a system to create the orgasm You have to go neck titty neck titty neck titty pussy neck titty pussy neck titty pussy neck titty neck titty neck titty pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy Cigarette go to sleep. Yeah, and by the way, I know there's at least four women in this room looking at me thinking big man Knows what he's doing There's a couple of guys in their 20s like mickie do that again, but slower, let me see And i've been talking to other women I know about this, yeah I was talking to a woman I know last week about rough sex. I told her that story. Yeah this woman I know she said rough sex. Yeah rough sex. She said I fucking love it I love it. She said you see him you see last night. He almost put me through a fucking wall She said I thought I had a concussion. Yeah, I had to dip my vagina in milk. I had to dip my vagina in milk And I was like mom you're really ruining my birthday Folks it's all the time. I have been lovely talking to you. I'm mickey barker cheers