Ralph Barbosa： Why Canadians Are TOO Polite ｜ Stand-up Comedy)

You know, there's like basketball, soccer, you know. She was like, that stuff costs money, this makes money. You gotta think, you know. Every Saturday and Sunday from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m., little 12-year-old me just washing dishes, you know. It wasn't that bad. My co-worker, that dude, he was 11. I was his supervisor. I remember my first weekend there, the older Mexican dudes got mad because I kept changing the radio. I couldn't get motivated to the songs that they worked to, man. Old Mexican dudes worked their ass off to the most lovey-dovey music all day at work, which is wild, because right after work, they go home and treat their women like ----. I remember one of the guys there, he invited us to a cookout at his house, and it was wild to see him go from chopping onions at work, like, sabes que me gustas tanto. And then that same night, he's yelling at his wife like, pendeja, vete para adentro. I felt so bad for her. I was like, oh, my God, he's a sweetheart to us. I was like, maybe you should get a job with us, lady. Could save your marriage. Yeah, I kept changing the radio, and he screamed at me. He's like, no toques en radio, don't touch the radio. Oh, damn. The next day, I didn't talk, I didn't touch the radio, just watched dishes all day. At the end of the night, we did a deep cleaning of the whole restaurant, and when the older Mexican dudes were done, they sat on these boxes in the middle of the kitchen, just talking, drinking. But I kept looking for things to clean, because I wanted to get back in their good graces and show them I'm a good kid, I'm a hard worker. And then the one who screamed at me, he called me over. He was like, psst. I went over there. He got up off the box, and he pulled out a beer. I was like, quiero una cerveza. He's offering me a beer, but I'm 12. So I was like, okay. I was like, no más dos. Mañana tengo escuela. For any of my non-Spanish-speaking friends, I basically let them know two is my cap, because I have school tomorrow. No offense, but I don't want to work here the rest of my life, which, uh... But he gave me that beer, and I felt so cool, man. You know, I got my beer, I'm hanging out with the adults, listening to them talk. I wanted to talk, too, but I couldn't find anything that I could relate to, so I could pitch in, you know. They're talking about grown people stuff, like their kids, their bills, their wives. Like, a mi pinche hija. But I tried my best to relate, man. I took a swig of my beer. I was like, hmm. Yeah, my grandma be tripping, bro. I was like, she never believes me. I take showers. That's when I was 12. By the time I was 13, I was tired. I was tired of working for the man. I started cutting hair out of my bedroom. Like, the only way you can learn to cut hair is by practicing on people. None of my friends wanted to let me practice on them. But thankfully for me, all my friends were just poor enough. They had no choice but to let me practice on them. A lot of them had single moms and a lot of siblings. Their moms couldn't afford to take them and their brothers to a real barbershop, so they'd bring them to me. I'd cut their hair for free, and then their moms, they'd help me with posting pictures on Facebook. Like, I keep my baby looking fresh. Yeah. Since 13, I've been empowering these ghetto queens. It's just that sometimes they would get too personal with the posts, you know? They'd post the pictures of the cuts. They'd be like, I keep my babies nice, fresh, and clean cut. And I do it on my own. No man paid for this. I'd be in the comments like, yeah, if anybody else needs a free haircut, come to my grandma's. Cutting hair from home is how I realized my grandma didn't even care about my safety. I used to be a grown man covering tattoos showing up at my doorstep, like a little Ralphie here. She'd be like, yeah, he's in that room by himself. She even would leave me alone with him sometimes. I started pulling out the driveway. I ran out there. I was like, grandma, what are you doing? There's an adult in there. She was like, yeah, he'll watch you. I'll be right back. Sometimes I'd mess up on these haircuts, and I would have these grown-ass men just screaming at me in my little 13-year-old bedroom. As soon as I'd give them the mirror, they'd be like, let me see. God damn, what the ****, dumbass? I'd be like, you don't know what you're doing, do you? You're not cutting no hair. But I would always tell them the same thing. I'm 13. Why would you let me do this? And then I'd go off on them. I'm like, you walked into a room covered in Dragon Ball Z posters, and you really expected a quality cut from a dude who's never even seen titties in real life. I said, no, sir, you don't know what you're doing. Grandma, escort this gentleman out the door. But yeah, man, I love being able to travel now. It's opened my mind to a lot of things. I didn't realize this, but I take some things for granted that people in other places, you know, they'd appreciate more, and vice versa. I was in Canada a while back, and I was talking to this girl. I said, it's so cool how in Canada you guys have legal weed across the nation. She was like, you don't know what the **** you're talking about. I was like, oh my God, I don't. She said, where are you from? I said, I'm from Texas. She was like, you see, in Canada, we need to be more like Texas, because y'all have guns. We need guns. I need a gun. I was like, I think you'll be all right. I think you just need somebody to talk to. She was like, you don't get it. You know, we don't all want legal weed, because what a lot of people don't see is that when Canada legalized weed, it came with a lot of bullshit. It gave the police more power. Now they can pull you over, search you for no real reason at all. They treat you bad. There's been an increase in police brutality cases, and she's going on and on. And I don't know if that stuff is true, but even if it is, it's like unfair treatment as a trade-off for legal weed. I'd take it. I was like, look, it sounds to me like what you're going through. It don't sound that bad. It feels like if you grew up in a household with very strict but polite parents. They treat you right, but they don't let you smoke. And then one day, these parents were like, all right, you can smoke weed in this house, but also we're going to start hitting you now. I'd be like, all right, as long as I'm high when you're hitting me, we'll literally go hit for hit. I didn't even realize, like I'm born and raised here in Texas, but I didn't realize how accustomed to it, how Texas I really was on the inside until I got to travel. I remember the first time I stayed in New York for a few weeks. I was like 20 maybe, and my buddy was pointing out to me. He's like, hey, man, have you noticed how over here nobody can walk around with guns? He's like, the police can have guns. We can't have guns. Only the police can. I was like, dang, for real. Am I Republican? Don't take that too serious. These are just jokes. It just threw me off, because I'm not used to that. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm used to, yeah, the police walk around. They have their gun at the holster. Sometimes they might even eyeball you a little bit. Like as if to say, hey, don't start nothing now. And that's fine. I'm used to that. I'm just also very used to the way it is back home, where you can also walk around with a gun at the holster. And if you're feeling up to it, you could eyeball the police back a little bit. You'd be like, hey, you neither now. I remember they used to teach us that in school. It's called checks and balances. I went to Canada. I asked them about their gun laws. I asked a few different people. And from what I could tell in Canada, it's like extremely difficult to get a gun. But if you can get one, you can only keep it at your house, which I guess that sucks, because what if you have enemies to kill? What do you do then? You have to invite them over? I was like, yo, this is why you Canadians get that stereotype that you're all polite, man. Because somebody does you dirty, you're like, what? You slept with my wife. Come over for dinner tonight. Also, I just want to say this to be 100% clear. I feel like I have to say it.