30 Minutes of Tom Wilson: Bigger Than You

Let's get a few things straight right off the bat, okay? Just so we understand each other, my real name is not Biff. My name is Tom. Hi. Hello. Yeah. Thank you. Movies are pretend. Cars don't fly. Time travel does not exist. When a five-foot, two-inch guy punches me in the face, I don't get knocked unconscious. I'm an actor. You want me to be unconscious? Pay me. Cha-ching. You're so strong. I'm out. I studied acting. I did. Went to acting school. I went to the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Football scholarship. Thank you. The Fighting Thespians. Excuse me. Act like a winner. Yes, we lost every game. You never saw more dramatic cheerleaders in your life. Acting school cheerleaders. Ready? Hit it. Go! Football team full of actors. Our punt returner would get out there alone in front of a stadium full of people. He'd get jazz hands. And Fosse. And Fosse. And Fosse. Fosse. Catch and kick. Two, three. Bob Fosse was a choreographer. I thought you'd know by the shirt. But it's a nice shirt. It's a beautiful shirt. People want to categorize comedians today. Come out on stage, has to be this type of comedian for this type of demographic. This kind of performer for this kind of audience. He can't categorize me. I defy categorization. First of all, I'm not white. Look, I'm Irish, OK? That's right. Hey, I'm Irish. That's not white. That's almost clear, OK? I'm a translucent American. I'm proud of it. That's right. You could hold me up to a light bulb, see my entire circulatory system. I don't use soap. Give me Windex and a squeegee. I'm window man. I use sunblock. Yeah, SPF, don't go outside. Why don't we have you northern European people here tonight? I see you. Fun summer memories, huh? It's summer. Let's go throw a frisbee. Oh, the burning orb is back! The burning orb! Back inside, children. Back inside. The orb of death has returned to taunt us. We will stay in our huts until the burning orb has gone under the horizon. Then, children, we will go outside and play kick the glow stick. Many people clap for being Irish, huh? Absolutely. Wow, a lot of people. Are you St. Patrick's Day Irish? You know about your culture? Because that's people them, Irish. Drinking and river dance. There's more to Irish culture than drinking and river dance. There's fighting. The Irish are crazy people. I come from a long line of Irish lunatics. People complain to me about violence in rap music, hip-hop lyrics, too much violent imagery. Have you people ever heard an Irish folk song? They begin the same. It's the green rolling hills of Ireland. The sheep running across the meadow. Ah, there's me cousin Mike. I haven't seen in 15 years every course. The blood poor brat, when we hit him in the head and we kicked him in the neck till he died. They don't care, every song. That was enough to prove we were tough. Then, mum baked us a pie. Oh, diddley-iddle-um-bye, diddly-iddle-um-bye. Diddley-um-bye, diddly-um-bye. They don't... They started them young. Hand me a hammer, Charlie. There's going to be a fight... Then you hit him with a hammer, Sean. They knew what a folk song was about. Come on, that would have God was one of us. Shut up! My grandfather was Irish. Came here from Ireland. He comes over, gets off the boat, went to work at a Pennsylvania coal mine. He was a little kid. I mean, like a seven-year-old coal miner. He's like, hey, this job sucks. He's a baby coal miner. Went through life in the coal mines of Pennsylvania. By the time he's 75 years old, now I'm five, I'm the little kid. He's still the toughest guy in the room. It's winter. Our car gets stuck in the snow. He's the first guy. I'll go lay behind the back tires. Give it more gas! He's tough. You have that guy in your family. Come on. Every Thanksgiving, Uncle Frank, hey, punch me in the neck as hard as you can. Frank, the kids are at the table. The food's ready. Look, I'm carrying the refrigerator. Great, Frank, who cares? Come on. It's Thanksgiving. That's right. These are tough guys. Absolutely. Got guys in the military in my family? Do we have military representatives this evening? They always... Oh! There's a bark or a seal thing. Oh! That's good. Nobody says, I'm in the military. No one. It just doesn't happen. Oh! What's that barking? You're Marines, right? I think we stopped doing that thing too early in life, and that's useful. Come on, we stopped that in fourth grade. I say bring it back for adults. Ladies, you're at the bank or something. You get somebody with an attitude. Miss, excuse me. Hey, the bank line starts back there. That's all you need. No big argument. No calling the manager. One second, you're done. I went to acting school. I auditioned for Broadway shows. That's right. Six foot three, 230 pounds, auditioning for Broadway. Oh, what a beautiful morning. Oh, what a beautiful day. I can't get a job in the theater I tried. I didn't try being gay. I mean, I tried to get in shows. I was trying to do a Broadway show. All right, one time, it was a national tour. Oh, come on. My early career. I walk into the theater, ready to sing. The casting director's like, well, what are we going to do with you? Love the song. Unfortunately, we're not casting for the role of a building. Would you excuse us? You're scaring some of the dancers. Maybe you could come back, work as a cow in our Christmas pageant. So I did. You can move, whatever. But I'm a geek. I truly admit it. It's liberating. I don't care. I'm a geek. I don't care. People did it behind my back when I was in high school. Now I do it on stage for money. I'm not a macho guy in school. Yeah, these guys, I know. I see you out there. You guys with the two-page spread of the yearbook. I was the back of the yearbook. You know, the candid black and white shots in the back of the book. Four people at the lockers. Three look fine. I'm over in the side like... It's the back of the book. Nobody will see it. Next day, hey, Wilson! You could figure me out very quickly when I was in school. I was president of the debating team. I played the tuba in the band. Paint your own picture, okay? Yeah, I have asthma. An asthmatic tuba player, okay? Yeah, I spent four years of high school just trying to make a sound out of the thing. I can't catch the parade, Mom. They're walking too fast. They turned a corner. I don't know where they're going. The only kid with an inhaler is a piece of duct tape to my mouthpiece. Clarinet players helping me carry the horn and catch the other kids. Gotta love those clarinet players. Yeah, they never got a date, but they were very nice girls. Clarinet playing... Better than flag girl, okay? Flag girls, that is pathetic. Come on. I didn't make cheerleading. I didn't make drill team. I didn't make field hockey. Played the tuba. Yeah. Every other musician in the band. At the football games, they sit down at the front of the stands to watch the game, talk to their friends, have a good time. Tuba players? No. Top of the section, double cue, nosebleed, just swinging back and forth. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. That's all tuba players do. They swing those things back and forth, trying to dodge all the garbage you people are trying to throw into the things. I know. I know you people. Every football game, we're marching in in our nice, clean uniforms. You people are all up in the stands. Here come the tubas. Give me the rest of my hot dog. Yeah. My senior year, I was drum major of the marching band. Big white hat, gold coat on the jacket. Power whistle. You know, those flute players. A lot of people don't know. Band people know this. Other people do not. Drum major's job in the marching band, very important. The drum major's job is, first of all, conduct the band. Secondly, much more importantly, point out horse poop during parades. You're following the mounted police every parade. 18 horses, marching band. You watch the drum major. He's the guy going, The band lines up. Who's in the back to miss the signal? The tuba players, okay? I'm 13 years old. I step right in the stuff. Now I've got to drag one band shoe the entire parade. I'm pushing up my glasses. It's raining jujy fruits. By the end of a parade, you've got to have 60 bucks worth of jujy fruits on the inside of a tuba. All the jock guys and their friends, here they come. Yeah, baby! Keep going. Little one's starting to cry. Woo! Into competitions. Band competition. They compete in marching band. Yeah, right? You did, huh? Yeah? Sure. You get it? You get a stadium, right? All the bands bus in from everywhere. Moms, dads, grandmas, grandpas come. Marching bands compete. So I told you, I grew up in Pennsylvania. Bunch of geeky kids from the suburbs. We get bused to an inner city school for a marching band competition. We march into the stadium. Same thing every year. We're the white kids. We're so white. White kids, this is not our neighborhood. Same thing. From the distance, coming into the stadium, we hear our competition. One of these inner city high schools from North Philadelphia. We hear up in the parking lot. What is that sound? I don't know, but it's getting closer. Please welcome Jesse Jackson. They've got an electric bass player and guys pushing an amp. We're standing there, light blue uniforms, big white hats. We look like giant Q-tips. Hey, they're really good. Where'd they get an extension cord that long? I mean, I'm the drum major, right? I'm just conducting. Inner city school drum major, the kid's dressed like Batman. He's got purple, eight foot long satin cape. They got a kid playing the turntable. Crap. The tuba players had rims. It was unbelievable. We couldn't compete with that. You can't compete with that. Does anybody have one child here? Well, that's not a child, really. That's a fancy pet, just so we understand. You're not a parent. You're a hobbyist. It's nice to have a hobby. I have hobbies. Everybody has a hobby. You can handle one kid with a chair and a roll of duct tape. I've seen it happen. And you have two, right? You think that's a family? Get out of here. Second one comes. I got this one. You got that one. He's going to DVDs. Watch him. Yes, DVD set. I got her. Thank you. Watch him. And you have three. I got this one. You got that one. And a free agent. Someone's approaching the edge of the radar screen. My son is the fourth. He cannot use his thumbs. He has no verbal skills. He is monkey boy. He follows a trail of cookies from place to place. Monkey boy, cookies. More cookies, monkey boy. I don't have the time he's going to have to get with the program. This first child's so romantic. Your first baby's coming. You're having my baby. Every sunset's gorgeous. Flowers bloom wherever you walk. Boink, boink, boink. The guy's being all supportive. Honey, I love you so much. Lovey, love, love, love, love. I want to welcome this new miracle into our lives. I child-proofed every cabinet in the house. I boiled the sofa for a half an hour. Nothing unclean will touch our precious miracle's little mouth. Boink, boink, boink. When you have four kids, let me tell you, fourth kid sterilization, you find a pacifier under that car seat after six months, blow on it. I got it, buddy, found it. Right here. Maybe dry food on the thing. It's jelly. Jelly binky, buddy. Bonus jelly. It's jelly. Come on. Keep working. It'll soften up. The dirt will make him stronger. I'll tell you what. I had three girls and then a boy. Yeah, three girls, then a boy. But I'll tell you what, I'm raising him as a girl because I'm not buying him all new stuff. No. You'll put on the pink jumper. You'll like it, buddy. Pink's a macho color. Put it on. That is not a skirt. It's a kilt. Put on your kilt. Maxi pads, I told you, those are knee pads. You stick them back on and get back on the soccer field. I don't care what people say. It's good sports equipment. Adidas, Reebok, Kotex, stick them on. I bought a box of 7,500 of those things at Costco. I'm not wasting one champ. We don't waste in this house. I'll use them as sticky cocktail napkins. Don't try me. I love Costco. I'm Commander Costco. I got a tattoo, Kirkland Signature, right there, baby. That's right. If it doesn't come in a box of 7,500, I don't buy it. That's man shopping. That's Costco's man shop. A guy going to Costco, come out of there with 300 bucks worth of chicken and batteries. Did you get the bread? Did you see this many batteries? I'll come back to that cart with a gigantic cinder block of deodorants. Honey, look at this thing. With a normal lifespan, I will never buy deodorant again. I'll buy 3,000 pens for 5 bucks. I don't even need pens. I'll throw them out the car window. Free pens! I'm the king of pens. I'm not kidding. If they put a Costco right next door to a Home Depot, I would build a hut out of PVC pipe, get a block of cheese, you would never see me again. Goodbye. That's right. Who's the guy in aisle 13? Arrgh! We are the Costconian tribe. By night, we sleep behind giant bags of dog food. By day, we survive on free samples. Ha ha ha! They will never find us. That's right. Three girls. 20, 18, 16. My house looks like Clay Aiken exploded in it, okay? I live in Malibu Barbie's dream house. There is a pink, fluffy, furry thing on every surface in the house. My son and I huddle in a corner covered in steer blood, chanting. Ah! I try to protect him from the estrogen cloud. Get in the den, buddy. It's coming in the kitchen. No, I will not take you to Pottery Barn. Get in the kitchen! Three daughters. I own 37 Barbies in body parts alone. With daughters, no, we have an entire Barbie morgue drawer. Legless torsos, a hair sticking Barbie. What happened to you? Ken's out in the pool. What is with you girls and Ken? You take it all out on Ken, don't you? I know. Look, every Christmas morning, oh, Ken, his head is off. Say, honey, you want a Barbie, go assemble one yourself, okay? Snap on a pair of legs. If she walks like this, she's got one of dead Ken's legs on, all right? But three girls and then a boy? Are you kidding me? Look, you give a girl a bicycle. Oh, have a nice ride on a sunny day. Huh? A shovel, a tool, plant a flower for Mommy. A Barbie, a little friend you can talk to when you're feeling blue. Then you have a boy. A bicycle is something you can lift up and hit somebody in the head with. And a shovel, you can hit somebody in the head with. And a Barbie with a swinging hair, you can hit somebody in the head with. A boy, two-year-old boy, picks up a Barbie, looks at those pointy plastic toes and goes, oh, Ken stabbed with a Barbie. Barbie kills. Barbie good. Boys will make a weapon out of anything. You put a baby boy in a high chair, give him a slice of cheese, he's like, you know, if I throw this fast enough, I could kill somebody. I had three girls and then a boy. Don't mess with me. You give a girl a Popsicle stick. Can I have some glue? I'd like to make an arts and crafts project. Give a boy a Popsicle stick. I'm going to the driveway to sharpen this. I'm going to tape this to a slice of cheese and kill somebody. But they don't listen. Discipline, totally different. Boys and girls, you have three girls that needs to walk on eggshells to just discipline. Girls, they take what you say so seriously. You do the lightest thing. May I speak with you, young lady? I'm disappointed in you. I was expecting a lot better behavior from a young lady like you. I don't expect to see that again. Do you understand, daddy? Like she's permanently psychologically damaged. Then you have a boy, the only thing that works. Knock it off! Or I'll kill you! Let's get over the Back to the Future stuff right off the bat. Yes, I was in the movie. You're all sitting there. That's not the Back to the Future. Yes, it is. It's me, buttheads. Thank you. I'll do all the lines from the movie. We'll get over it. We'll move on with the show. How would that be? Hey, McFly! Thank you! What are you looking at, butthead? Ta-da! I think you got the wrong car, McFly. No, Beth, you leave her alone. I do Crispin Glover better than I do myself. I know, we have sci-fi convention geeks here tonight. Oh, that's the guy from the movie! Calm down, Eddie Munster. We'll get through this together, okay? Look, there are people with Coke bottle glasses. I hope he signs my laser disc after the show. All right, everything will be fine. Look, I wrote a song. It's going to save us all a lot of time after the show. I'm flying in a plane or I'm on the street. There's a lot of friendly people that I like to meet. They shake my hand but never ask my name. And they start asking questions that are always the same. Hey, what's Michael J. Fox like? He's nice. What's Christopher Lloyd like? Kind of quiet. What's Crispin Glover like? Unusual. Stop asking me the question. I went to the bar mitzvah of my nephew, Josh. Now, I'm not Jewish, but I like to nosh. Put on my yarmulke, started to pray. When they arrived, I leaned over and I heard him say, Hey, was that real manure? No, it wasn't. How is that DeLorean? A piece of garbage. Do those hoverboards really fly? It's a movie. Stop asking me the question. Can we take your picture? Come on, look mean. Would you call my friend a butt head on his answering machine? Questions, questions fill my head. I went to my doctor. My doctor said, What does a key grip do? Set up lights. What does the best boy do? Help the key grip. What does a producer do? I don't know. Stop asking me the question. Do you all hang out together? No, we don't. How's Crispin Glover? I never talk to him. Back to the future 4. Not happening. Stop asking me the question. Hey, who's the nicest famous guy you know? Adam Sandler. Who is the biggest jerk? Gary Busey. How much money do you make more than you do? So stop asking me the question. Thank you.