“I’m a Smart Person Making Dumb Decisions!”

[Music] brought to you by the every dooll app start budgeting for free today well I worked very very hard to get where I'm at um I met my husband in my early 20s and I had about 20 store credit cards and 6K in debt and he helped me get out of that uh we worked super hard saved every dime didn't go on vacations for decades um put a lot of money towards the mortgages now we live in a great area or Dreamhouse great location but I literally have no idea how much money we have and we're still not going on vacation or living life and I'm just a smart person that's doing really dumb decisions by not finding this information out and every time I ask it's not going anywhere and it's not that I don't trust him because he's very very good with money it's just I think we're going overboard and what we were doing and I don't know how to kind of get out of this merry go around of just my head stuck in the sand why is it that he won't share with his wife the money that you have I just never in the beginning because I was the one in debt coming into the marriage how long have you been married 20 years I've been married 43 if if the stuff I did stupid in the first seven years of marriage was still counted against me I probably wouldn't be alive I know I know so I don't you know what what you did 20 years ago doesn't count why is it that 20 years into your marriage you don't know what's going on with money why does he not think you're worthy of that probably because I haven't pushed it you know every time I push it he just doesn't want to get into it and I just kind of back off and then I don't fight it and to the point where I have to know this stuff if something happened to him I would have to know how to pay the mortgage okay so H how can we help you how do I get out of this I don't know if it's a mindset I'm stuck in or if it's just I'm scared I just kind of want to get out of this hold of just not knowing well I guess I mean I I don't want to be smart iic or anything but the way you get out of the hole of not knowing is you start knowing which means boo is going to have to open up his mouth and tell you what the Flip's going on and you're going to have to demand it as a part of him continuing to live okay yeah hey dude I'm going to duct tape you to the bed and beat you with a baseball bat you're going to tell me what the Flip's going on here okay I'm kidding don't do that but I mean you you really are you sound sweet and you sound so apologetic like you've done done something wrong for asking about your life and you don't owe anybody an apology for that uh you don't need to be a jerk about it but you do need to lean in hard enough that he decides he's going to share with you and say listen I am terrified because I do not know what's going on it's not okay that I don't know what's going on and starting right now I'm going to know what's going on or we're going to have other problems in this house okay can you find that much Roar in your voice yes it's just I can't live it's like a 5-year-old that throws a fit you know he goes into that mode yeah you sound like someone who's been uh who's subject of domestic abuse the way you're ver verbalizing it like it's all your fault that he's misbehaving I think it's the way I grew up with money um I'm the youngest of five kids and there's a huge age difference between me and my siblings and yeah how old are you my grand I am 47 okay it's time to grow up then yeah I don't give a crap what happened when you were a kid as of right now you're like a 47y old grown woman and he needs to grow up too and yeah walk in there and say bubba this ain't going this way anymore we're not doing this not happening okay you've told us that you trust him but the truth is I don't think he trusts you if he's not willing to share any of this and be transparent with you there's a bigger problem on his side yeah and he he he enjoys no one questioning his decisions is he controlling in other areas too just like stupid stuff like restaurants we go to we don't like the same food so you I don't like that stupid eating is something we do a lot of three times a day if you're normal yeah so I I think you don't get a vote in this marriage in every other area and that's not okay yeah well I mean I live where I always dreamed of and um you know there's a difference between having a vote and being a kept woman yeah you're kind tired of being a kept woman is why you called yeah well I wish I was a kept woman I make my own money and you know contribute to the household so I me be nice if you're kind of missing the point darling I know okay so are you gonna are you gonna sit down with him and deal with your marriage issue or not yes okay good I'm proud of you and if if he absolutely refuses to share with you what's going on in the finances when you point blank demand that as a as a equal share in this marriage then you guys need to go see a marriage counseling to which bozo is not going to go and you get to go by yourself and learn how to how how to speak Bozo and that's what the marriage counselor will do they teach you how to speak that so they know that that's a fun way to put it well I mean they teach you how to come back and do the confrontation and it and give you you know because basically what we're talking about here is a boundaries violation and the first thing that happens when someone violates your boundaries whoever we are do our friend Dr Henry cloud of course wrote the consumate book on that boundaries but you feel like you did something wrong you feel crazy but you're now called gaslighting that's the new term for this when they make you feel like the crazy one and you're the problem yeah and that's typically when the boundaries are being violated that's what's going on and it's an abuse mechanism and it's a manipulation and and so you know I feel like I did something wrong but then but what happens is when you get in the presence of a coach or counselor or you call us you know we're going to come alongside you and go uh by the way you're not crazy so as a matter of fact what they're doing is crazy so you you need to step back up on that boundary again and this time you need to stand on it and not get pushed off of it with gaslighting manipulation whatever it is right and so uh but but this open guys it it this is coming up more and more and more and Rachel and uh Dr John delone are doing the money and marriage event in the fall and they're they're going they're they're both have gone down a rabbit hole on This research that's out there right now there's fresh research in but it's old it's an old subject I saw the research similar research 30 years ago but we used to call it the marriage Advantage because the statistics were that a single man did not Prosper financially in his career um in his health his health that wasn't as good a as a married man and uh the the idea being that relationships are good for you good relationships not toxic ones and and the idea being that when you have something to work for for your family you're serving someone it changes your demeanor it changes your character you lean in you you you prosper for good reason because you know when you got kids and dogs and stuff you know bills to pay all of a sudden it's different some purpose yeah and so there was a there was what we used to call the marriage Advantage well now we're seeing it and they're calling it all kinds of different things but we're seeing the exact same data is still there we found it again when we did all the millionaire research with the millionaires we found that that the couple that is married and has a healthy marriage relationship meaning that they both have are speaking into the decisions they're both speaking into the future Dreams they're both speaking into the sacrifices and prices that have to be paid to get to those dreams they're speaking into major purchases they're speaking into major giving decisions and and the ones that do that together who can find a virtuous wife for her worth is far above rubies the heart of her husband safely trusts her and he will have no lack of gain huh gentlemen you want no lack of gain virtuous wife listen to her now wives Larry bat used to remind us that that does not give you permission to become the Holy Spirit that's his job so virtuous wife understands that and so it's you know thoughtful wise input inight you live longer better and you prosper more it's a pretty dumb formula but it's kind of obvious create your free every dollar budget today the simplest way to budget for your life