Should I Lie to My Entitled Mom?

[Music] brought to you by the every dooll app start budgeting for free today Taylor starts this hour in Knoxville hi Taylor how are you hey Dave hey Dr John thank you so much for taking my call sure what's up so I need some help navigating money and family uh my question is is it wrong for my husband and I to lie about our accomplishments and pretend to be broke in in order to financially and emotionally protect ourselves and I'm happy to give a little context with that it's just cowardly yeah yeah yeah I own that yeah yeah how old are you guys how long y'all been married Taylor so we've been married a little over a year together for five I am 32 and my husband is 35 so who's the twer that's going to have a hard time with you succeeding it's my family uh specifically my mom okay so my my husband and I have paid off over $100,000 in student loans over the last three years and your mom will feel entitled to some of your money if she hears you're winning correct okay correct all right um almost like I've talked about this before okay uhhuh uhhuh okay and uh so she uses money to show love but more as a means of control and yeah anytime one of her kids starts making money she's got her hand out wanting some And to clarify she is financially well off and is not in need of any help um and she has actually stolen thousands of dollars from me in the past when I had my very first job when I was 16 years old and when IED her we're pretty much we're pretty much saying mom's got issues yes why do you continue to allow your mom to control you you your 30s yeah um I want to honor her as my mom uh I don't think that's true can I I don't think that's true I think that sounds good it's a good church answer yeah I think you're still trying to figure out what you did wrong when you were nine that your mom would steal from you and you still think there's a way there's a thing you haven't done yet that she'll fin you'll finally do it you'll finally give her the amount of money you'll finally do the thing and she'll go I'm so proud of you and I love you that's what I think you're chasing and I think you wrap it up in words like honor thy father and mother honor thy father and mother does not mean um honor their misbehavior exactly yeah uh in all honesty I would love to just cut her off completely I don't think I'm ready to do that I think that's what makes it hard here's what you're giving her right now you've given her money in the past you've given her your um life in the past now you're giving her your integrity free rent in your head don't give her your integrity anymore tell the truth yeah and when she says well I want like no we're on a budget it's a muscle you're going to have to practice you're you're going to have to you're going to have to it's like going to the gym you just never done squats before you're going to have to start light but you're going to have to learn how to do squats first time you do it your heart rate's going to go in your stomach's going to go into your throat the 80th time you do it you're just going to be smiling looking at a poor pitiful lady who hasn't been able to control her own emotions yeah cuz that's actually what she is it's she's kind of pitiful you will never do a thing that makes her finally say cuz she doesn't have that she don't have that to on her kit she can't do it she doesn't know how so you're dealing with an incomplete person who who's got major major gaps and you you cannot have any expectation that she's going to be anything other than that and you just smile and go no um I mean pretend like uh she had had a stroke okay and she was in she was incapable of uh behaving you would just look at her and smile and go gosh that's a horrible malady you've got but that still doesn't mean you get to come over here and you know throw rocks through my window yeah and um we you didn't hear any of you don't want so bad why you just kept driving why H can I okay I'm I'm going to cut to it you're scared you're going to haunt your marriage yeah and at some point your husband if he hasn't already is going to ask why her over me why her over our future that we're trying to build together yeah she's taken up a lot of space in your head so this may be you guys you may need to sit down and talk to somebody and work this through because this is a motherdaughter dysfunction that's pretty pretty serious and it's just it's just manifesting itself in the money but it's there's a lot of others parts of this and so but the truth is you're not going to have peace hiding as a 30-year-old hiding like you're some kind of misbehaving teenager you know I can't tell my mom I got good grades you know I mean come on what so because she she does not have the capacity she's a diminished capacity as if she's had a stroke we'll just call it that okay and and it affected her ability to be a good mom and so you just treat her like that and it's kind of sad and it's kind of pitiful and but it doesn't mean I can't tell her the truth mom you know if it comes up but you don't need to go in there and go da D look what we did cuz that's not going to do it either but you just if it comes up you just go well you know hey we yeah we paid off some money but I don't tell I don't sit down with uh anybody and go look at what I did yeah how does that even come up in your house yeah really well uh when whenever me and my husband go Which is less and less frequently now um if I need to go to the restroom or leave the room they will Corner my husband and straight up say how much money did you make this year what are you making now hold on but but all you say is I had a good year I don't I'm not going to give you those numbers and you smiled real big yeah I don't I'm G to tell you that it's not your business yeah or when you come out of the bathroom go hey Mom Dad we don't talk about private financial matters anymore we just don't we don't put those numbers out into the world those are private those are ours and if they can't honor that boundary then they're asking you ah we don't want you here yeah right that that could be the exit that I'm looking for no it could be but that would be them running you off not you yelling I'm leaving until you learn to behave that's not what we're telling you okay yeah I don't want I don't want I don't want I don't want I don't want to talk about my sex life with you I don't want to talk about my like the dollar am amount we made last year I don't want to talk about any number of things that's for us it's not for you as I started having grandbabies I have had way more information from my children about the arrival of children and how they got here than I wanted to know I'm just telling you so I just assume we went her Direction and just said you know y y'all just keep that to yourself I really don't want to know some of this I just want to see the baby when it comes thank you very much I'm happy I don't need to know about the practice n thank you very much it's all good but oh my gosh yeah it's the same stuff you're exactly right you're exactly right I'm not going to tell you about that stuff no no papa Dave don't want to know n Papa Dave don't want to know I'm just saying want to meet the baby that's I just show just tell me what the name is and tell me what the sex is when it's appropriate to tell me and then tell me when I can tell people that and then I will and don't tell me unless you want me to tell somebody unless you tell me not to tell them I need America to know I had a great joke that I didn't just use you didn't use it create your free every dollar budget today the simplest way a budget for your life