Amputation side surgery didn't work (again)

Well, hello there, lovely friends. Before we hop into the full content of today's video, I have a really big announcement, something that the dogs are excited about. Maybe you'll be excited about too. Okay, I gotta talk quickly because they're about to fight, play fight. If you just want to hear the surgery update, skip to the timestamp on screen. But if you have a moment, I would absolutely love to share with you this new project that I'm working on and ask you to check it out if it's something you're interested in. Okay, first the big announcement and then what we're actually here for. The only thing I really don't like about this new socket that I'm trying out is the pin. Like I take it off to be comfortable and I just feel like a walking weapon. Realistically, we all know, this is the greatest threat to me. Like I try to cross my leg, I stab myself with it, working out the details. So I have been working on a big project in the background for so many months now with my best friend, Aaron Palos from Life with Palos. Totally different genres of YouTube, but we met through jujitsu years ago. And in the last year, we discovered we both have a fascination with how our society sees relationships and the direction that that is going in. So we started a podcast, but not just a podcast. That would be simple. We wanted to make it complicated for ourselves. So we started a live streaming podcast that is a panel-based discussion. So we have guests every week. And as of today, we are officially launching the actual channel for this podcast. And it would mean the world to me if you would click the link in the description, check it out and hit subscribe. I think that there is a lot of really horrific advice circling in the internet ether about what it means to be a man, what it means to be a woman, how to have healthy relationships, how we view gender, marriage, sex, masculinity, and femininity, and how those interact in our current culture, traditional values versus modern values. I am not an expert on this, neither is Aaron, but we're just not jerks. And so we're bringing in people to have discussions on a wide range of topics, specifically because we do not like what is happening in the online space with the rise of alpha male podcasts, the red pill movement, the manosphere. All the episodes are gonna be available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Yeah, that's what it's called. Apple Podcasts the next day, if you can't catch it live. We made the decision to move that podcast completely to its own channel. It's called the Turbo Dude Podcast. Episode five, which is the first ever episode that's gonna be on that channel is going to be streaming live tonight, 5.30 Pacific time, which is 8.30 Eastern time. And we'd really love to see you there. I understand that it is a deviation from my normal content. And if it's not your cup of tea, fantastic. I will still be here. But if you would like to give it a shot, that would make me super excited and very, very grateful. So check out the Turbo Dude Podcast link in my description. And without further ado, back to the video that we're all here for. Joining us, are you joining us? It is officially been six months since my last amputation side surgery. I wanted to give you guys an update because so many of you were kind enough to come with me through this journey. And this is not an update I wanna give because it's a bummer. It's a bummer. But Leo is giving me all of his love. So back in April of this year, I went in for a triple TMR surgery. Basically, I was having a lot of issues with pain, phantom pain, nerve pain. Couldn't really wear a prosthetic for any length of time. Stopped being weird. And so there's this surgery that they can do called targeted muscle reinnervation, where basically they splice nerves into muscles in your residual limb in hopes of eliminating or significantly reducing nerve pain, phantom pain. I put this surgery off for a very long time, but eventually it got to the point where I was losing my mind, being in a lot of pain, not having like any solutions. And I decided to go through with it. I will link the video about that surgery. It was an extraordinarily difficult experience. I have had probably about 20 surgeries, grand total in my life. I'm very familiar with post-surgical pain. Like I've literally had my leg chopped off twice and this was worse. There was a lot of mistakes that happened in that process. I was forgotten about for five hours after they took me off IV meds and not given any kind of pain relief. And I couldn't get people in. Like I kept calling and the nurses were like, oh yeah, yeah, we'll get there. I just wouldn't hear anything for hours and I couldn't get up. And I got to the point where I was like screaming in pain, like hyperventilating, like couldn't breathe. And I was just like left like that for a long time. It was the worst surgery I've ever had. I had a very severe, very severe allergic reaction. I was in the hospital for days. A lot of stuff happened during that time that emotionally was really bad. It was the first surgery I went through after getting divorced. So I was like, I wasn't going through it alone, right? Because I had so many incredible friends and like family around checking on me, bringing me food. But like the vast majority of the time after the first couple of weeks, it was just me and Sophie home alone in a lot of pain, trying to keep my head above water. And I did it, I got through it. And it would be worth it if there was any kind of pain reduction or like more function. And I have to say this is the only surgery I have ever regretted. Don't love using that word a whole lot. And it's too soon to say that because I am nowhere near being able to see if there are actual benefits that made it worth it. If it's life-changing and there are, I'll be very grateful for this. But this was a horrific time all around because of the way that nerves are. They take a long time. They're very temperamental. And my surgeon told me, you'll know by six months, right? Like you might see improvement well before then, but like three to six months, if it's gonna work, that's when it's gonna start working. It's just been over six months and I can pretty decisively say it did not work. You know, it's funny. I was talking to one of my friends about this the other day and they asked like, hey, how is it feeling? And I was like, bad, not good. It didn't work. And they saw firsthand the amount of pain that I went through and how difficult that surgery was. And they were like, well, you know, you took a chance at least. At least you gave it a shot. And I have to say, I agree with that. I have always been of the mindset for the most part that if there is a chance that something can get better, I would like to take that chance. With that being said, I think I'm done for a while. And I am functioning out of spite. I have been trying to use my prosthetic leg more. I've been trying different systems, trying a few different things. It's really hard trying to reckon with the idea that something might not change. My dad always told me you can do anything temporarily. Like it is so much easier to deal with difficult things when you know that there's gonna be an end date. I think I actually did a whole video about this once or twice, talking about like dealing with things when they're not gonna get better, like chronic pain, right? Talked about how to deal with that. I'm a dirty liar. Not really, like I know ways of processing that. But one thing I have never been able to do, in fact, it's the only thing I have ever said, we're not gonna go there in therapy, is trying to sit with the idea that it might not get better, that I am going to be in pain most likely the rest of my life. That there will be a slow decline in function. That the prosthetic process will be endless. I will always be making adjustments and trying to get more comfortable. But there's like a limit to how good it's gonna get. And trying to sit with the reality that it's not going to get better is not actually something I have realistically been able to do. Because it catapults me into despair and feeling self-destructive when there's like realistic hope to hold on to. It's a lot easier. But I'm at the point now where I think that is a reality I need to reckon with. Because avoiding it is now causing me harm. So that's something I'm working through in therapy and on my own. It's hard and weird. And I think it's one of those things that can translate to so many different experiences that we have in life. Change is constant. But there are some things that won't get better. And I think those are the most difficult pills to swallow. So I am doing my best to invest in things that bring me joy, where the pain exchange is minimal. And I have decided for the time being that that is an exchange I am willing to make. When I feel up to it, I'm going and doing things. I'm being active. I'm going for short hikes, going to the gym, lifting, doing some jujitsu. Because even though there is a lot of pain involved in that and I am back on pain medication, most days, like after 5 p.m. to be able to deal with that, I still want to live life. I still want to do the things I like doing. And you know what? Maybe, maybe there's a miracle. Maybe my nerves just take a real, real, real long time to heal. You never know what's gonna happen. I'm spending a lot of time with my puppies. I've started reading more, like actual books, not audio books, like sitting down and reading a book in a coffee shop, which is a lovely experience, by the way. I'm also thinking about going back to school, which I feel really very excited about. If I decide to do that, I'll tell you guys more about it. I am still trying to pursue life in the midst of a lot of disappointment and a little sprinkling, a little sprinkling of despair. So that is the official six month update. Bummer, it didn't work. I'm walking out of spite and I'm gonna find my way through this as messy as it might be. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my patrons who support this channel. Thank you so much for spending a few minutes out of your day here with me today. You could be anywhere else in the world doing anything else and you chose to spend a few minutes with me, listening to my story and update. Thank you. I really appreciate you. I love you guys. I'm thinking about you and I will see you in the next video. Bye guys.