struggling with autistic burn out...

So here is my big fat autistic burnout story. I just thought it could be helpful to other people out there. Maybe you'll relate to it. Maybe it will even help some people to discover their own neurodivergence. So we're going to do it. School for me was always the worst part of being alive. I really, really, really don't like my school at all. I don't think many people do, but I absolutely cannot stand it. I just hate it. I remember being maybe about seven years old and walking to school one day and I had this visualisation which stayed with me for quite a while, where it was like I was drowning in the sea and I could see the weekdays stretched out in my mind and they were all water. And then at the end, there was a little weekend and it was this life raft that I could climb onto for a little bit and recover. And then I'd have to be back in the water again for another week. And it would just go round and round. I treasured my weekends. I needed that rest and recovery time. I would often be invited. Well, not often, let's be real. I was autistic. I would sometimes be invited to friends' houses from school and I would just be horrified and like panicked. And I would sometimes fake illnesses to be able to come home when I stayed at someone's house because I just needed to be at home doing my own thing on the computer recovering because it was just a lot. I was pretty ostracised at primary school. I said before it just felt like a montage of being told I was weird all the time. I had a little misfit group of friends. I did that whole autistic girl thing where you kind of flip from one friendship group to another. And sometimes I would have times where I was just completely overwhelmed. My attendance was never amazing at school. And there would be points in time where I would just sit and read on the playground. I did beg to be allowed to read in the classroom because there was an autistic boy who was diagnosed who was allowed to do that. And unfortunately, I was told I couldn't because I wasn't diagnosed with anything. I had to go on the playground, but I was told, oh, if you read on the playground, I'm sure by the end of the week, someone will come up to you and they'll want to be friends with you. And it's like I really had a group of friends. So that wasn't really the issue. I just actually didn't want to be spoken to. I just wanted to read the book. That was the problem. But it was quite sweet, actually, because I did. I sat and read for a while on the playground. And then I was like, oh, I should probably just go and try and be normal again. And then I went back to that little group that I had. And they were just like, oh, you're back. Hi. And it was just they were just really sweet about it. So that's kind of nice. But I mean, I would have still probably preferred to be reading the book. But it's not personal. It's not their fault. I wasn't super happy in primary school, but the bigger problems started in high school. So high school, obviously, there's more social expectations, but there's also, you know, more exams, more academic pressure piled onto you. In primary school, nothing really matters that much. Our primary school barely gave us any homework, which was really wonderful. In high school, it's not like that. There is more expected of you and more books to remember and different classrooms to travel to. It's just it's just more. And people are not very nice. I think there's more homework for everyone and more hormones involved for everybody, and people just don't really get along all that well. I think even neurotypical people struggle with high school. And it's just kind of a bit of a normal thing, at least in the UK, that everyone calls each other names and speaks to each other like they're a piece of trash. It just isn't very good for a sensitive person at all. So again, I did the thing of like flitting between friend groups, but that didn't go down so well in high school. It was kind of seen as me being fickle and led to fallings out. And girls are just so good at falling out with each other and being just so mean in high school. Just chilling, walking down the corridor today and some random girl started grabbing hold of my hair. So there's these stupid girls who always like make fun of my hair and they're in like the year below me. It felt like I was very much an undesirable person and somebody that you shouldn't be seen with because she has a bad smell and she'll taint you with her unpopularity, that kind of thing. So it obviously isn't particularly great for your self-esteem. And I'd had a wonderful teacher the last two years of primary school who'd really helped to build me up. She'd kind of taken me on as a little project. She was lovely. She saw my strengths. She built up my self-confidence. And then it all just kind of crumbled. I've always felt like in school situations or like big group social situations, I just seem to have like a flashing light that says like Target over my head. And yeah, I have my lunch thrown across the floor. Just people calling me names all the time. Something wrong with my appearance. Anyway, I'm really not liking my hair at the moment. Just look at it. It looks horrible, doesn't it? It just looks horrible. And, you know, I just don't like it anymore. And everyone's like, you know, killed it for me. So there was always something wrong with me, basically. One particular big thing was how badly I performed in PE and how much I really did not want to be involved in team sports. And also, I wasn't necessarily very good at participating in group work. I always would have preferred to do a project on my own. And I struggled to kind of get my ideas heard. We had to design like a shirt. And on the shirt, they were going to put like Velcro pictures on for like a toddler or something and they could recreate a picture, which, you know, was an OK idea and everything. And then I said, why don't we have people in this picture of the seaside that they were going to do? Oh, no, we don't want people. We want ice cream cones floating around nowhere. So I was like, we should have people. And then they were like, shut up, Megan. But then I'd be told that I wasn't contributing enough. And I'd be like, but I don't really know how to make you listen to me. But I try and think about how I felt at that time. I remember being like 12 or 13. I had my birthday and I think my two cousins came and we went to Chester and we had a meal and we did some shopping. And I just remember just being like, I'm just not enjoying this. Like, I'm just not having a good time. I'm just not happy. I just remember feeling like I wasn't even in my own body. Numb. I was exhausted all the time. And again, my attendance wasn't very good because I just I couldn't keep up. I couldn't go in every day and say mentally. Well, and my mom was very kind to me and she knew that and she would let me not go in to a ridiculous extent. But she would if she knew that I was having a really hard time. She's like, I think you need a day. There were times where I was like, no going. And she was like, no, you need you need to stay home today. I was sad and empty. And I struggled with getting out of bed most mornings. Just didn't want to be in school. And so there was just nothing motivating me to go. And I had to give a late mark in so many times. Then I would be even later because I really struggled with doing my hair. But it was obviously a big thing that particularly Daniel hair needed to be straight all the time. It straightened my hair again because everyone's saying I shouldn't. It looks really bad. But, you know, you know, you know, because I'm sick of people talking about my hair. Like I said yesterday. So I'm just going to do what everyone says now, because I just don't know how to deal with life. And I was just not very dexterous. So I really, really struggled with actually straightening my hair. And then it would often not look very good because I have hair that really hates to be straightened as well. It's very thick and frizzy. So I just I wasn't it wasn't the best hair for someone who's really, really not good at doing things with their hands to have. And I just hate it. And from a sensory perspective, my scalp is very sensitive. I just find it very unpleasant and I want it to be over as soon as possible. But then I also wanted to be approved of. So it was just mornings were just gross. I'm obsessed with combs because my fringe needs combing all the time. If there's one little gap in it, I am not happy at all. I felt dirty and small and less than everyone else. And like kind of being insulted every day gives you evidence to kind of believe that maybe that's maybe that's true. At age 14, I went into year 10, which is quite a big year in the UK. So that's when you start doing your GCSE qualifications, which are your end of high school qualifications. You do loads of exams. Basically, it's mostly all exams. It's the end of high school, but it's not because a lot of people do another two years of A levels, which is basically like the same thing all over again, but you can be more selective with which subjects you want. And you don't have to do like math, English, science, which is quite nice. But you're basically doing the whole thing all over again. Loads of exams. We love exams in this country. Now at school, I was naturally quite academic. I did kind of above averagely without really trying. I didn't really try in general. Like I say, my attendance wasn't very good. I was pretty lazy when it came to homework. I hated doing it. I got very annoyed by the fact that I'd been given homework and it was kind of, you know, invading my time where I wanted to focus on special interests. If you just come back from the exam, we're all like, Yeah, we finished the exam, woo! And then they're like, All right, OK, you've got some homework for the holidays. And it's like this massive booklet about chemistry. And everyone's like, Oh, for goodness sake, we've just done a test. Can we just have a little break? And then they're like, No, we can't have a break. And I wanted to rest and recover and read a book. And instead, I had to do a worksheet that no one even cares about. Like, can we just stop this nonsense? In the year before we were supposed to start our GCSEs, I'd actually been chosen to do an astronomy GCSE with a few other people who were deemed worthy. I was so mad. I was like, I did not sign up for this. I don't want to do it. But I ended up pushing myself to do it. And I hated it. And I got a C. I had no idea how to study and how to learn information. And clearly, space was not a special interest for me. I think it's pretty cool now when I read books with my son about it. But it's never been, you know, a big interest. So at some point in year 10, we had a mock maths exam. And I did a tiny little bit of revision the night before. Like, we had this little online platform called MyMath. So I just did one example of each exercise. And then I did the mock exam. And everyone was given their results. And I got the highest mark. I feel like everyone else must have done nothing because I did not try that hard. It was like interesting to me. I was like, oh, other people don't really seem to try that much. And if I just try a little bit, I have quite a good short-term memory. So I seem to be able to store a lot of information and do quite well with minimal effort. And then I did the end of year 10 exams. And I put in a lot of effort, mainly to cramming the night before. I'd spend a bit of time writing out notes before that. It was mostly cramming. And I got nearly full marks. And it just felt really good to be praised. And I think it was a time in my life where I felt like I was getting a lot of negative feedback. My parents obviously were super excited that I did well. But they never pushed me. Like I say, my mum, she wasn't bothered about how I did in exams. But obviously, everyone's proud of their child when they do well. But like, the teachers and other students as well. You get positive feedback. And everyone's like, oh wow, you know she can do something. And then I came back the next year. And I was like, we're gonna ramp it up to the next level. I got myself to do that little MyMath exercise by screaming at myself in my head. By saying like, you're lazy. Why are you not doing this? You need to be working harder. And pushing myself to go through those exercises. Even though I wanted to do my special interest instead. I thought, well that works. I'm gonna do more of that. I don't know, why couldn't I just do the same? I obviously did well. And I just worked the night before. Why did it have to be more? I don't know. It had to be more. I nearly fell asleep in media. I was trying to do some coursework. I nearly fell asleep. Because last night, I was revising all of these magical science notes that I did. Yay. That's for when I finish. And slowly, I chipped away at every little thing that I held dear. My main special interest at the time was filmmaking. And I would film vlogs when I got home from school every day. The main thing that I would do was I would make music videos. There was a little community on YouTube where we'd like, lip sync to popular songs. And edit our own music videos. But I would also have a little vlog channel. And I would record a video when I got home from school. I'd put my little red Panasonic camera with the flip out screen or camcorder on the windowsill. And I'd just talk about my day. And nobody from school knew about it. And I'd talk about things that people had done. I wouldn't name any names, as far as I know, I didn't. And I'd talk about teachers and things that had happened. And like, you know, kind of make jokes about it. And it was like a journal entry, I suppose. I think mentally, it was really important. And I decided that I couldn't do that anymore. Because it was taking away from revision time. So I chipped that away from myself. Because I had to edit, you know, the videos each night. And in the past, when I had an exam and I had to edit a video. It was like a nice little break. You know, this is going to be kind of like my break from revision making these videos. It was like, no, you can't do that anymore. That's kind of why I haven't been making as many vlogs as I'd like to. And when I started this account, I was like, right, it's going to be the same as everyday vlog. It's just not going to be one every day. And it hasn't really been like that, you know. This is my last year of school doing my GCSEs, you know. And then it became like, I'll sleep when I'm dead. And like, I don't need to shower. I can shower when I finish my GCSEs. Obviously, I did shower. But I figured out, you know, what is the bare minimum I can shower. I remember just thinking to myself that studying makes me miserable. I'm not happy. But I wasn't happy anyway when I wasn't studying. Like I already wasn't a very happy person. So what does it matter? I might as well get these results. I would just try and find like the bare minimum that I could get away with. And like the bare minimum amount of time I could spend getting ready and still be slightly acceptable. And I would just scrape back my hair in a ponytail again. And stop worrying about straightening my hair and making my appearance look good. And I also stopped eating. And I'll put a little eating disorder trigger warning. I don't think I had an eating disorder. But I will put it on there just in case because I'm going to talk about food stuff. I stopped eating as well. And I don't think I have had some kind of disordered eating. And there is a big link with autism and disordered eating since then. I don't think it was an eating disorder at the time. Because I don't think I even thought about my physical body at all. I was just so in and needing to do the work. The reason why I didn't eat was because my stomach was just churning with anxiety all the time. That it just was kind of unpleasant to eat. And I would not have breakfast. I'd always skip breakfast because I was always late for school. So I never had time for breakfast basically the whole time I was at high school. Then I would have some McDonald's chips or something for lunch. Because I'd just recently gone vegan. And there weren't many options at that time. And I could have brought something from home. But I just didn't. Everyone wanted to go to McDonald's for lunch. I'd just sit with them and just have some chips. Which you know maybe like 400 calories. And I hadn't had breakfast. And then I'd come home. And for dinner I would have... Maybe my mum would make me like some sort of mock meat thing. And some rice. And some vegetables. And I would often kind of pick at the vegetables. Eat the rice. And leave the mock meat. Which was like the major source of calories on the plate. And I would just leave it there. And it was just because I just felt stressed. And like I couldn't. And maybe like you know eating can sometimes be a demand. And maybe it was just like the demand to eat was too much. I'm already pushing myself to do so much. And something's got to give. And this bodily function I'm supposed to do is just gonna have to go. And I would get annoyed if I was revising and learning for something. If I was showering. Because I'm like you're showering too much. It's taking too long. Too many toilet trips. I'd be like you're just trying to procrastinate. You're not working hard enough. I don't know maybe I didn't have an eating disorder. But that was my control. Trying to make sure that I got every single question right. And I knew every single little bit. And if I did not get 100% it was the end of the world. Definitely as a child I had a thing with hand washing. Where I would just feel dirty. And the only way to relieve it was to wash my hands. But then I would feel it again. And I would have to get everyone around me to wash their hands. Before they touched my things. And my hands became covered in eczema. It was like the same thing. I felt dirty and worthless. People made me feel dirty and worthless every day in school. Everyone was passing my own Christmas cards in that lesson. And I didn't get one. How sad can somebody be? And either way to relieve that was to do a bit of studying. Like oh look now you are worthy. You are worthwhile. Look you've done this. Other people probably haven't done this much work. Then unfortunately the moment I stepped away. Then the guilt would start creeping in. And the dark heaviness and the thoughts about how I wasn't good enough. And I was lazy. And then I would have to do it again in order to get some relief. And I wasn't obviously happy or enjoying myself while I was doing it. It was all about tasting that little bit of relief. And I just felt like I was in the most. If you imagine the most stress you could be. Like an extremely heightened stress response all of the time. Like I say I couldn't eat. My stomach was churning. I lost so much weight. The stress was like physical in my whole body. My limbs felt heavy. And I would try and describe it to other people. And nobody would understand. Like my parents. And I would kind of be begging people to help me. Like please help me. I feel awful. I feel like I'm spiraling out. And I don't know how to fix it. There were times where I was talking to teachers. And I feel like my whole face was like save me save me. And maybe just none of the teachers ever felt like it was their problem. I don't know. They surely must have noticed how much weight I'd lost. And how like I kind of wasn't really taking care of my appearance. In the way that I had been before. And I think that often I got looks of pity. I remember one teacher being like. Do you not just like want to watch tv sometimes. And just watch something rubbish. And just chill out. And I was like no. No I do not. No. I am disciplined. Ridiculous. I just guess everyone felt like I was doing well. I was doing really well. It was impressive. They were pleased with me. They liked me. I was fine. Because if you know people aren't fine their grades go down. If they're fine their grades go up. That's kind of how I think a lot of teachers see things. I don't know. I guess I just really felt like I had something to prove. And like I just wanted their approval. And I think a large part of me wanting to get good grades was pride. And was about feeling like I was worthy. And I had done something that had made other people happy. Because I knew that I had. I didn't know what it was. But I knew I had a determination. And an ability to focus on things. And I had kind of thought for a while. Imagine if I applied what I can do with my own interests to studying. Like what would it be like to be someone. And I had this image of this girl on a desk. With all these textbooks piled up. And her diligently doing her studying. And I was like what must it be like to be that girl. And I tried to embody that. I just felt like I got applauded for it at every turn. So I didn't want to stop. I wanted to carry on. And it became like addictive. I remember one night where I think I had a maths exam in a couple of months. And I didn't have any more exams until then. And I remember just feeling so guilty. Because I wanted to play The Sims. And I played a bit of Sims. And it just became not worth it to do anything like that anymore. Because it just made me feel like a bad dirty person. And it wasn't just that I felt like I was a dirty person. I felt like everyone around me in my house. My mum and my stepdad were also thinking that I was really dirty. And not working hard enough. Which was ridiculous. Because they kind of you know could see I was spiralling out. And didn't want that. And I do wonder why we didn't go and see a psychologist then. I mean who knows. Maybe they would have misdiagnosed me with something. Maybe I would have been diagnosed with OCD. I don't know what would have happened. I'm not sure autism would have been on anyone's radar. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe it would have been. I guess it's just the lucky dip of who you get on the day. I think I would not have been very receptive to that personally. So I don't think I can blame them. I had a lot of pride. I had a lot of fear of somebody finding out how weird I was. I think I've always had my whole life this deep fear that one day people were gonna find out. And I was gonna be institutionalised in some way. Which is just ridiculous. Like for what would you be institutionalised? For being a bit different to other people. And flapping your hands when you concentrate. What are you even talking about? But I had this fear. And I still do have it there a little bit. And there was a lot of anxiety for me about getting an official diagnosis. And having that there on my record. Because I don't want to be seen as imperfect. Which is just horrible. It's a horrible way to think about autism. I also went to this Halloween party with my cousins. And the whole time just felt sick with guilt. And just couldn't enjoy myself. And I have video of it. I must have taken my camera there that night. I didn't realise I'd done that. But I found it. And I look fine. I look happy and smiley from the outside. So maybe that's all teachers saw. Although I probably looked miserable in school. I don't think I could have kept up being smiley and happy in school. But in this video when I'm with my cousins. I'm trying hard. Teachers around that time really didn't help in general. Because I remember my geography teacher saying to the class. If you are not unhappy right now. If you are not somewhat miserable. Then you are not doing enough work. And I just think that is just disgusting. They're going to go on us telling us that we have to revise every single night. Forever. And it's going to be really pathetic and sad. And they're going to need to get a life. He wasn't a horrible person. And I didn't dislike him. But it wasn't a good thing to say. And I know it's aimed at specific people. Like it probably wasn't aimed at people who were getting full marks in the exams already. But it felt like it was aimed at me. And that's how I heard it. And I internalized it. And it kind of matched with my internal monologue. And I latched onto it. My brain was like yes. That is what we're doing. Misery. That is what we want. And I felt to myself like you won't care when you're older. You'll only care that you did well. You won't care that you were miserable at 16. None of this will matter. And then obviously the whole thing that I was miserable anyway. I think I did feel like I had something to prove to some extent. Because I did have some teachers. One teacher in particular who I remember. I was told by someone in another class. My history teacher had said I didn't know Megan was clever. And then she also at one point gave me a predicted grade of... Was it a C slash D? I think she gave me. Despite the fact that I had got literally full marks in the only exam I'd done for her so far. And when I asked about why had I been given such a low grade. When I'd done so well at every other assessment I'd done for her. I'd always got an A star. She said it's just a gut feeling grade. So what she saw was that I was different. And I was through into myself a lot. And my expression often looked quite flat. Maybe she got that I hate school vibe from me. Based on there just being something different about me. That I was not intelligent. I kind of liked her as well though. And that made it worse. The most ridiculous thing was that I didn't even care about my results though. I didn't care about doing well in school. Deeply. It was just about control and pride maybe. And just like something to do to get me through. Like if I have to be there then I'm gonna be there hardcore. I didn't care. I didn't want to be a lawyer. I didn't want to be a doctor. I'd always had this thought for whatever reason. Might be a separate issue in itself. That I was never gonna go to university. I just had no desire to do it. I wanted to be a filmmaker at that time. It just was an obsession with the grades for the sake of the grades. For nothing else. And I would try and take breaks towards the end. Because I could see what was happening. I would try and go swimming or something. Which I'd usually find very calming. And I just even if I took physical breaks. I remember sitting eating ice cream and watching Clueless one night. Which was usually quite a comforting film for me. And I just couldn't enjoy it. I just couldn't enjoy it. I couldn't get my brain. My brain was still on the other stuff. So it just didn't matter. There was no taking breaks anymore. It was too far gone. And I was too in the stress response. And something had happened to me. It just felt very physiological. Something has happened to my body now. I'm not okay. I can't turn it off. Never. Never a restful moment. Never a happy moment. It was there all the time. If I brushed my teeth at night. I'd feel like it the first time I opened my eyes in the morning. I would feel like stress and heaviness. Last night I had a dream that the maths exam that I did on Monday was just a mock. And I got to redo the test. And I knew every single question. And it was just amazing. It was so great. And then I woke up. I would say like, it's like this lactic acid in all my limbs. I don't know what to do. And nobody would understand. And I think I just drove everyone around me a bit insane. And I just wasn't an easy person to live with. Because I was so obsessed. My stepdad would walk in the door from work. And I'd be like, could you help me go through maths papers? We need to do it. And it would be like every night. And he was so kind. And he helped me. Then the exams came around. I had a panic attack in several exams. And I'm really, really hoping that I don't get so stressed that I break down again. Like I did in my last English exam. But I managed to get through them all. And then it was the summer. I was just numb. I just couldn't enjoy things anymore. I got no pleasure out of things I would normally enjoy. And I remember the last day of school. And I just didn't feel anything. I'd hated it my whole life. And I was finally supposed to be free of it. And I was going to go on to college. You know, you're going to be able to wear your own clothes. And I was going to be doing media and film and English language. All things that I was interested in. More than, you know, like maths and science. It should have been a really freeing, happy time. And I just didn't care. I didn't have the capacity to feel joy about anything anymore. I could only feel little bits of relief for me ticking off tasks that I needed to do. So yeah, the mindset continued into summer. And now it was I needed to get a job. And I needed to have the best CV. And I walked round and round the town centre wearing high heels. And dressed in what I thought was good business attire. Handing out my CV to different shops. And nobody was really offering any jobs at that point. So I didn't get a job. So then I went and I was like, okay, I need experience in retail. So I'm going to go volunteer at a charity shop. And I put myself forward for so many different shops. And volunteered there. And then I turned on my filmmaking. And I was like, I need to make X amount of films. Then I started this whole, like, reinvention process. And I wanted to be perfect. In every area of my life. So it was like, okay, I need to make sure my hair is perfect. And that's when I dyed my hair black for the first time. Which I do really like. So thank you, Prospect. And I went and got my hair done in a new way. And I was like, I'm going to need to learn how to do my makeup. And it's going to be like this. And I'm going to wear these sort of clothes to college. I even made a decision around this time that I was going to redo my room. To make my room perfect. But never discussed this with my parents. And whether or not we had the budget and the money to do it. Which we didn't. And so they were like, no, you can't just redo your whole room. But it was like such a shock to me. I was like, we discussed this. But we hadn't. It had just been me and my head. Getting carried away with all the things that I needed to do. And not even thinking about whether it was possible. So we didn't redo my room. But it was like every little minuscule detail of my life. I wanted to make it perfect before I got to college. So on the first day of college, did I feel rested? No, I felt exactly the same. I was still in the same stress response. I was exhausted. I'm part of my quest to be perfect. I was going to be extroverted this time. I was going to be sociable. I wasn't going to be weird anymore. I was going to be the girl who's super into films. Because I had done very well in media in high school. And I had some of my films shown to the school. And again, I got lots of praise from people. And it kind of made people like me a little bit more. That they saw I was really good at doing this one thing. At least from my age, those films are very cringey now. It made me feel, you know, a tiny little bit accepted. A tiny little bit. I was like, yeah, that's gonna be my identity. And I was like, oh, what sort of films will I make? And it wasn't about what do I want to make? It was about how can I package myself? And put myself in a box? And rebrand myself? So I was going to be a horror filmmaker. Because I'd made one horror trailer for media studies that had done well. So that was that now. Now I was a horror filmmaker. And I was going to take my mum's maiden name. So my name sounded more fancy. So I was going to be a whole new person. And I successfully put myself out there as that person. And people liked me. And I made a lot more friends than I ever had done in my life. I still did the flitting from group to group thing. That's always been something that I did. It didn't matter. I had a lot of friends. I always met my husband. We weren't together at the time. Because I was in a different relationship. But we were friends. I was probably still seen as a bit quirky. But people liked me. But then I had to maintain those friendships. And I was still beating myself into the ground about having to do well. Instead of reading fiction, I had to read this big fat textbook I had on Islam. Because I was doing philosophy and religion. And that was all I could read. I wasn't allowed. You can read fiction when you're finished. Again, I would be invited to things outside of college. And I was trying to be this perfect social butterfly. But at the same time, I was also trying to be this perfect student. So it was this huge conflict. And like me trying to run to the library before I saw anybody that I knew. Because we had lots of free periods in college. Where you could get go and get on with work. A lot of people would obviously use them for socializing. And I just didn't want to see anyone that I knew. Then I'd have to be like, oh you're free. I'm free too. Let's go hang out together. I just want to study. And I'd still end up making excuses to not have to go and stay at someone's house or whatever. So I could study. I was still in that stress response. But my energy was just starting to really, really slow down. Probably because my diet was still absolutely appalling. I remember getting off the bus from college. And it was like a two minute walk around the corner. And just feeling like I did not have the energy to walk from the bus there. And how like my body just might stop. I might just stop and never be able to move again. I remember listening to the same song over and over and repeat. And just feeling so sad. Obviously, I was masking in front of all of these friends that I had. So there were very few. There was maybe one person who I can think of. Who I really, really loved. And I really wish I was still friends with them. But unfortunately, they had their own problems. And I haven't spoken to them in a very long time. And they were just amazing. And we really like understood each other. And we would just go and hide in the like photography studio together. And just chill out. And we'd just lie on the floor. And we'd both agree on how much we were dying. And how much we couldn't stand being at the college. And I was doing really well academically again. I was being praised. I was told at some point by I think all four of my teachers. That I would probably get an A star. Which is quite a big thing. And like an A plus. Like the highest mark you can get. It's quite a big thing when you get to A levels. It's not always the easiest to get. I didn't get it. Because spoiler alert, I did not continue. It just very quickly came around to time to do exams again. At the end of my first year. I just couldn't do it. I just didn't have the capacity to do any more. I'd just done it. The whole time I've been going through my GCSEs. I told myself one day you'll just look at your grades. And you won't care about how you felt. All you need to do is just get through this. And then it was almost like there was just nothing after that. I never thought that you were going to need stamina to get through doing A levels. You had used all my energy. So I was just running on nothing. I was just very very not okay. And it was very clear to everyone around me. And I would call people up in tears all the time. I would miss lots of days of college. That didn't matter. Me missing lots of days of college and school never really mattered. Because I would do more work when I was at home. So actually a lot of the time I probably contributed positively to my grades. Because I would work so hard and so intensely on my own. But then I would often also be late. And I would miss the bus for college. Because I just didn't have the energy. I'd wake up and I would be so exhausted. I would sit in the library. And I would feel heart palpitations. And I just didn't care. I didn't care about my health at all. The one day I missed the bus. And if I missed the bus I could still get to college. But I had to walk to a train station. And get three different trains. And then walk a bit to college. And it was quite a long drawn-out journey for someone that was only really 25 minutes away by car. But most people don't really learn to drive. You know at 15 like they do in America and the UK. So like it was rare that someone had a car and actually drove there. So I decided I was gonna go to college. Just the other way. I'd missed the bus. But no I was gonna be there. I was gonna get myself there. And I was basically like just having a meltdown. I was like no I'm going. I'm going. There's nothing you can do. I'm gonna go. And I think my mum just felt like if she carries on like she's not gonna survive this. It's just not okay. And so she basically like said you need to come home. And that was it. I don't think I ever went back after that. I didn't really. I just disappeared. I told people I suppose over social media. But it was like oh sorry I've gone I suppose. I think maybe a lot of them thought I was going to pursue filmmaking. I don't know what people really thought of it. It didn't matter to me at the time really what people thought of it. And then there was such relief for leaving. But then I was short-lived. At least when I'd been at college I'd been on a path or trajectory. And then now I was still feeling you know these physical effects of what I'd done to my body. On every level. Like the stress response. But then also not looking after my body in any sort of way. And not putting any time and effort into that whatsoever. And so I was still in that bad place. But I also had an uncertainty which is never good for autistic people. I remember just sitting in my kitchen and just crying. And just feeling like every object in there was evil. Like everything was out to get me. Like the walls were closing in. And I didn't actually see it like that. It wasn't like a hallucination. But it was like that was how it felt. It felt like everything was oppressive. And like the world and life was just too scary and too much. So it wasn't a great time. But I did rest finally. Which was good. And ate food. My mum was making really amazing. And she's forgotten the recipe. And it's so annoying. Because I can remember the taste of them. And she'd wrap them in cling film. They were just so good. They were like these days are not bad. And I'm eating them loads. And I think I started to drink water actually. And look after myself. And I was reading. And I'd do these little pilgrimages to the library. And I'd get all these books. And fill up a bag. And come back and read and read and read. And catch up on all of the fiction that I'd been missing. And discovered loads of authors that I loved. And read in the bath. Have nice bubble baths. And you know sleep in. And then stay in bed. And read until lunch time. And it was just so comforting to be back in my home environment most of the time. And fortunately obviously like it was very difficult to get out of that perfectionist mindset. And I stayed in it for quite a while. It then obviously I again wanted to try and push myself to get a job. Push myself to start driving lessons. Do all the theory exams for that. I again was like trying to push myself with the filmmaking and stuff. And I started doing A levels from home again. But even with pushing myself to do all these things. I still wasn't having that social pressure. And that masking pressure every single day. So it still was better. And I was eating again. And I was looking after myself better. And I went to the doctors. And found out I've looked at my blood results from then. And it is bad. I was very anemic obviously. Because I was barely eating anything. I was on iron tablets as well which helped. And just trying to be better with my diet. Yeah I was recovering. I was recovering slowly. I would start to push push push. I'd feel the stress was mounting again. Then I would try and pull back. So it was just complicated. Because it was like I still wanted to put myself out there. And do things in the world. And I wanted to figure out you know my place. But at the same time I was so scared of getting to like the peak of that stress again. It was somewhere around that time that I did go to the GP. And tried to explain the meltdowns I was experiencing. And I said I think I went with my mom. And I said these have a physical cause. I know these have a physical cause. Like there feels like something happens within my body. Is there any problem that I could have. That could cause this like massive amount of emotion coming out. Just like felt like chemical reactions in my body. They said no probably just said it was stress. I've read it in my medical records because I couldn't remember it. And I was like oh that's really sad. I actually tried. And I did end up seeing CALMS at some point as well. Which is the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service. And I've mentioned it before. I was told to just go away and read some self-help books. So I did. I was reading self-help books. At this time when I was already being super perfectionist. And feeling like everything about me was wrong. And I was reading these books that had advice on what was the best way to live. And then would have been the best time for me to get diagnosed. But I still had to wait many many years. How many years would it have been at that point to even get like the first inkling. So I was 17. So it was about seven more years. I would have to wait. I feel like I was still in burnout for about two years at least after I left. I was doing a lot of different things. I had my YouTube channel. I was studying through home study. I got a job at Lush. Which I did enjoy. I found it pretty tiring. But I did enjoy it. And then the booktube was going well. And I met friends through doing that. And the home study was you know not as stressful. Because I didn't have all this everyday like teachers telling you how important it was. I don't know. I just wasn't as bothered about it. But I still did well. But I remember getting my grades. I did the first year of A levels through home study. I got my grades. I just felt numb. I still just didn't feel like I got much happiness from just being alive. And even from doing things that I really loved. I still didn't feel great. Like I still felt lost. Like I didn't know what was wrong with me. And I didn't know what my place in the world was. And I still wasn't happy. So I ultimately decided not to do the second year through home study. And there was also a whole lot of logistical reasons why it became really complicated. And it was going to be way more expensive to do the exams for it. And it was just a mess. And I was like I don't care about it this much. I'm numb to these grades. I don't care. Because I never had cared that much. And I just feel like leaving college was the best decision I've ever made in my life. I don't know if I would still be here. I felt very strong at that time. Like I cannot stop myself. I cannot stop my mind. And if I carry on I will make myself go to university. And I'm not sure I would survive that. You know having to live away from home. And live around other people. And also study. And the way I revised for things often involved stimming and moving my body around. And I was like I will be too embarrassed to do this. I don't even know how I would have coped at university at all. And I knew that I knew I wouldn't let myself off with all the teachers being on you. Like what university do you want to go to? Like immediately once you arrived at college basically. And I was like there's no way I'm gonna get away with just not writing a personal statement. And not applying. And if I do apply I'm just gonna end up wanting to push myself to go. Because I just wanted to push myself to the max with everything that I did. I've never regretted that decision in my life. I mean it would be stupid to regret it. Because I could go back and do my A levels at any point in time if I wanted to. Unfortunately they do make you pay if you get past a certain age. So it's not super accessible. And that was one of the reasons why I didn't continue. But it is there. I would be able to find a way if I really really wanted to. And now I am doing a degree with the Open University in Psychology. I finished the first year and I really really enjoyed it. I'll maybe make another video about that in future. And I do just want to say before I continue. As an aside you can do a degree at the Open University from the age of 16. So you could actually leave high school and then do an Open University degree. As far as I'm aware. I know the rules have changed a bit about education. By law I didn't have to stay in education after 16 at that point. Which has now changed. You have to prove that you're doing something else. They did call me though even at the time. I don't know how people knew who I was at my number. I'd get this yearly call of like. What are you doing with your life? And I hated that. I hated it so much. I was like. I've got a job at Lush. And then they'd be like asking you questions. And like criticising your choices. And you were like. It's fine. Chill. I'm fine. I think the degree that I'm doing the Psychology degree. You do have to be 18. Because of like sensitive material. But I don't think most of them will be like that. So it's worth looking into. These things are just never even shared as an option. And I think distance learning is great for autistic people. Because you're just away from all of that rhetoric. Of like. You must do well or die. Which I think is pretty bad. When you've potentially got a tendency towards perfectionism. And being quite rigid and obsessive. And then also obviously you don't have the social aspects. And you can then choose to socialise outside of it in your own time. Like I had a part-time job at the time. And I had friends online through booktube. And so I'd really started to feel a lot better in myself. And about myself. And my mum and I went back to South Africa. So she's from South Africa. And so is my dad and my stepdad. And I lived there when I was younger. And I have a lot of family over there. Or did used to have a lot of family over there. Now I have a few. We went over to South Africa to see relatives. And we hadn't been back for ages. And I saw a bunch of my relatives. Who are very much autistic. And very similar to me. Neither of my parents is autistic. And I didn't know they were autistic at the time. I didn't know what it was. But I saw them. And I saw the way they behaved. And there were three family members. Usually they all were like scattered all over the world. And even when I went back to visit my grandparents. I didn't see all of these family members. But everyone came back together. And everyone was under the same roof for a little bit. And I saw it. I saw the autism. I didn't know what it was. But I was like whatever this is. I am like you. I didn't know that. Because I didn't know you too well until this time. I've been living on the other side of the earth. But I am like you. And whatever mental health difficulties I have. Because that's what I saw it as. You have them as well. And so their genetic was so similar. And I would talk about my experiences at college. And one family member was like Aya we don't do well. This family doesn't do well at school. You need to do distance learning. And it was just like so validating to hear that other people had had that same experience. And to know that it wasn't my fault. And it wasn't just that I'd had lots of negative thoughts. And been a very cynical mean person. And hadn't tried hard enough. Because for goodness sake I've been trying too hard. Like chill out. It was wonderful. It was a really really life changing experience. And it would I guess I say it would have been great to have a diagnosis right then. But that was the little crumb that got me through. And yeah then I came home. And I got together with my husband quite soon after that. And my relationship with my parents was quite strained. From how I had been during this burnout situation. I hadn't been easy to live with at all. I had been very very emotionally up and down. And just you know very obsessive. I suppose it makes you quite selfish as well. Just being completely obsessed by one thing all the time. And so I just really wanted to move out. I wanted my own space and freedom. And I decided to start a videography business. I felt pretty stressed and anxious about it. I didn't feel super like it was gonna work out. But I was like hmm maybe I'll move out and do this. And my husband ended up doing it with me. Because he didn't like his university course he was on at the time. And so we did it. And it supported us for years. And we lived on our own in a different city. And you know I made friends with all of his friends. Which was like a group of guy friends. And got on with them really well. That was like you know the first time I started to feel happy. Even though it had been stressful. And obviously like starting a business you have to do phone calls. I mean like these days you could do a lot over email. You don't have to do heaps of them. But I was really trying to put myself out there. So I did phone calls and meetings. And it was stressful. But I think because I was mostly video editing at home. And then you'd go out and do a filming job. And you'd have you know two weeks to edit the project and whatever. I was mostly at home. And my partner was working on it with me. There's a whole thing with autism and ADHD. You hear it mentioned a lot. This body doubling. Where if you don't want to do something or you find something hard to do. Have someone do it with you. And I think for me if I'm doing something that I find stressful. But I say to someone can you just pass me that over there. And they pass me the object. That makes me feel safe. And like someone is there with me. And like not all the pressure is bearing down on me. And like someone's carrying it with me. And we were spending most of the time in our comfortable environment. I could completely be myself around him. Because he was such a warm accepting person. I had my independence. So I could have complete control over my environment. And my life. And complete autonomy. And that was just like a really really wonderful feeling. And I started to feel a lot better about myself. Obviously I was still autistic. And I still didn't understand why certain things were difficult for me. Even though you know I had to mask when I went on filming jobs. As I say because it was like you know max couple of times a week. For a few hours. And then you could come home. It was fine. You know my tenacity. And my kind of determination. And like one track mindedness. Was what got me into the mess of the burnout. But it's also kind of what got me out of it. I just want to say to anybody who's going through a similar thing. Change is the only constant as people say. Like things do get better. I think you just gotta kind of rest. And then also put yourself out there and try things. And even if you don't believe in yourself. Keep working towards things that you value. The lifestyle that you think will fit you and your brain best. Think about your happiest times when you are your best self. I hope if you're going through exams right now. And you're struggling with it. Then I'm sending you love. And if you're in burnout right now. I'm sending you love. If you're in a situation that you can't get out of right now. For financial reasons. I'm sending you love. I sympathise. It is horrible. I feel scarred by it. I feel like you know anytime I could feel stress melting. I'm like I don't want that to happen again. If you're thinking that you might be autistic. If you relate to this experience. You might enjoy the video that I did about how masking feels from the inside. Because masking was a big reason for burnout in college. Because that was the first time I'd really really pushed myself to be social. Even though it doesn't come naturally to me. Thank you so much. I hope you enjoyed my self story. Bye.