Does EVERYONE Mask? | Autistic vs Introverted

Do you think autism is real? Do you think masking is real? I got a comment on a recent video where I did the masking quiz, the CAPQ, to see if I'm masking autism. What does it say? You read it. Something like that's normal. I'm not sure what they meant, I don't know, they didn't elaborate on it any more than that, but I'm assuming what they mean is kind of the things that the masking quiz is asking about are just normal things that normal people do. And it is true, like everybody wants to be accepted socially, people do imitate other people and change the way they behave depending on who they're with, socialising is important to all humans and being accepted is important to all humans. Is it important to you, Lewis? Yeah, yeah, I think so, yeah. This is my husband, Lewis. He is a neurotypically neurotypical person. I would say so, yeah. And he's gonna do the quiz and we're gonna compare our answers because in the beginning when I did the masking quiz, I remember thinking, oh yeah, but all of my introverted friends would agree with all these answers as I was going in, putting in the answers. And then I particularly remember getting my mum to do it and then comparing our scores and being like, what? I thought we were basically the same person, clearly not. Yeah, I think it kind of shows how there's maybe a little bit more to it and we can maybe talk about the social differences that we have a little bit as well. I think both Lewis and I assume that we were quite similar socially before me finding out that I'm autistic. In fact, sometimes I'd say potentially I would have seemed more extroverted. Yeah, yeah, in social situations, sometimes you would have seemed more confident at times, yeah. Yeah, it's gonna be interesting to see what result Lewis gets and compare it to my answer. When I'm interacting with someone, I deliberately copy their body language or facial expression. So if someone is coming into the room and say they're very excited about something that I'm not interested in, I would kind of mimic that excitement. Yeah. Like even if it was just not entertaining to me at all. So I can mirror enthusiasm for something that I'm not interested in, but I wouldn't mimic actual facial expressions. I wouldn't be looking at what their face is doing and copying it. Obviously, if someone's smiling, then you might smile too. But I wouldn't be consciously doing it. And if that's the... So you'd be trying to like match the mood. Match the mood rather than the specific. Yeah, match the energy. So I would say maybe somewhat disagree. I'm matching the mood instead of the actual facial expressions and body language. Okay. I put for this one, somewhat agree. I feel like, yeah, it's often when I'm talking to someone, I have like an internal commentary and I'm like, okay, now you're doing that with your body or that with your face. Like, oh, I see the way they're leaning against that. Maybe I'll do that as well. Did you ever have like little thoughts like that in your mind? No, no. Sometimes I might be leaning on something. I'm like, well, what does my body look like when I'm leaning on this? Yeah, okay, yeah. That's not matching someone, that's just myself. Okay. It's not thinking that, oh, someone else has stood up. I should do that. It's just... Yeah. Do you ever think like, does this look human? Like... Not human, no. Does this look like it's something a person would do? I'm thinking of it in a more professional setting. I'm like, does this look a bit unprofessional the way I'm leant on this? Okay, but in like a general social situation. Oh, I wouldn't care then. Like if you were with Ted or something. I wouldn't care then, no. No, you wouldn't feel like, how am I sitting on the sofa here? No, not at all. Does it look awkward? No. So you somewhat disagree, I'm somewhat agree with tentative. We are on that one. Okay, do you want to read number two? I monitor my body language or facial expressions so that I appear relaxed. I would disagree with that one. There are scenarios, like when I'm at work, I'm supposed to be being more confident then. Even if I'm nervous, then you won't show it. But in a social setting, not at all. So again, it's just like, you might sort of put these things on when you're in a certain environment, but not with friends or family or any sort of acquaintance or someone that I was just talking to who I didn't know. That's interesting. So like, I guess in a way, when you're in a job, particularly if it's a new job, because Luis is training to be a dietitian and he's nearly finished, so he's doing placements. You are trying to perform in a way, like you're performing as a role. I'm not confident at all, but you have to pretend to be confident. For this one, I put that I strongly agree. It's a big thing in my head all the time about like, not looking awkward. And you've got all these layers about, like I say, like stand like a human. If I do this, do I look like a human? But then on top of it, you kind of want to make it look like it's seamless and like you're not thinking about it. So you're conscious of this like internal blur in your head and you're like, oh, how do I make it seem like this is all natural? It's fine. I just think in general, being autistic, for me, I have issues with dexterity, like a proprioception thing where your body's own awareness of itself in space and whatever. Something's a bit dodgy with that for me. I don't know. So often my movements and stuff are a bit strange. And as a child, it was brought up a lot and things like that. So I just feel like an awareness of like, do I not look kind of? I don't know. It's just a bit unusual, like jerky. Like we do the whole T-Rex hands as well. And it's just like, I would look at myself on photos and videos and be like, your movement just doesn't flow. Some people, I would just look at them and I would just feel so sad because I just feel like you just flow. Yeah. I just, I don't flow. I feel like, like, you know how tall people can be awkward. If you're with friends, you don't worry about looking relaxed. Or if I'm with just someone like, you know, when you're talking to someone at like a waiter or someone who you don't know at all. You don't, you don't feel like you need to relax in that situation. I just think for autistic people, it's a lot that wants like facial expressions, body language, thinking of what to say, making sure you're listening and taking it in at the same time. And then it's like trying to make it look like you're not juggling a million things at once. If you were to speak to a waiter or something in a restaurant, do you not feel nervous about it then anymore? No, no. I'm nervous about what I communicate. Okay. But you don't worry about looking. No, not looking. I'm nervous about what's going to come out of my mouth sometimes. Okay. And not in a bad way. I might just trip up on a sentence. Not that I want to be mean to them. Because I think when we first got together, maybe you would have said you were socially anxious, or at least when we met at college. Do you feel like you have social anxiety at all? Because that can kind of affect the scores of the quiz as well. Yeah, I do in some situations, yeah. I'm anxious about things like when I have to ask someone something, I always imagine them saying the worst possible response. And that's why I get anxious. Or say if I've ordered something and I want to return it, I always imagine going up to the counter. And even if it's for return, them saying, no, you can't return that item, something like that. And then just it being a really awkward interaction. That's what I get socially anxious about, I'd say. Yeah, I feel like often we get anxious about different things. Number three, I rarely feel the need to put on an act in order to get through a social interaction. So I suppose we're not talking about at work, because that you are actually trying to perform as a person who is a dietician. Yes, when I'm not yet. So there is somewhat of an act going on there. But in my general day-to-day life, I would agree with that one. It is rare. Sometimes you might portray some sort of confidence or something like that. But I wouldn't call it an act. I'm myself when I communicate with people. Even like colleagues, I suppose. Because it's not when you're in a consultation, I suppose that's where we're performance. Yeah. What about with like colleagues at work? No, I'm still myself. Yeah, I still, yeah, I would be. Communicate with them similar to probably how I communicate with you, minus the nice things that I communicate with you about. The nice things? Yeah, just like compliments and things. Well, I really hope. Yeah. I'm hoping you're not. Yeah, exactly. I was just making that clear. Yeah. Yeah, I'm exactly the same. Yeah, literally exactly. I quite obviously strongly disagree. Yeah, I always feel like no matter what interaction it is, that it's like a performance. I imagine it being like someone acting, like being aware of every little thing. How would this character do this? Like, how would this character move? What would this character do with their face? And it kind of being a conscious thing all of the time. And I feel like that basically in every single interaction I have, unless it's with people I'm completely comfortable with, which is probably just you, Jesse and my mum and David, who's my stepdad. Jesse's my son. That's probably it. And then there are other people who I can like, let in like more of myself. Like it's less, less masking going on. Four, I have developed a script to follow in social situations. So this one's really, really clear for me. And it's strongly disagree. I've never thought of a script. Yeah. Pretty much once about very, very occasionally, I'll think of a single question to ask somebody, but that's not a script, is it? That's just a single question. Do you write it down? No. Okay. No, never write it down. I might just think, oh, when I see that person, I remember that they told me that they were doing this this weekend. I should ask how that was. And I think that before I see them like, oh yeah, it's not a script though. So I'd say strongly disagree on that. I've never planned out a conversation with someone. Yeah. So I put somewhat agree to this one. And I don't know if maybe you doing the question things comes from me doing the questions thing, because I often write them out. There are notes on my phone. If I'm going to do a filming job, even any sort of interaction, even if I'm just seeing someone who I haven't seen for a while, I will write out maybe like four to five questions in the notes on my phone beforehand. And I often do use them just so you have things prepared. Yeah. And you told me about it. And then I might think of one single question, I can never be bothered to think up more than one. And then that doesn't help the conversation. Then they answer the single question and that's finished with. I don't have the desire to think of more than one question. I just go in there and talk to someone. And if it doesn't go well, then it doesn't go well. I somewhat agree because some people do like full on have like, you know, some long social scripts. I don't really know how you do that because surely like the person's going to say something that you haven't prepared for, that you don't expect them to say. I also do it for phone calls. I actually remembered as well. I write out quite a lot. I hate it when somebody leaves you a voice message and they don't tell you what they called about. And you're like, great. Could have prepped. Now I can't prep. They're never getting rang back if I did that. If you don't leave a voicemail and I'm not ringing you back. Well, they can leave a voicemail but just be like, hello, just give me a call back when you get a chance. And you're like, it's not happening for me. Yeah, sometimes you have to. I will write out like what I'm going to say when they answer the phone, like my name. And like, whatever would sound kind of person-y that people might say on the phone, kind of. Yeah, I can sometimes write a list of questions or like general topics. And then I do rely on them if there's a silence. This is a good thing about being on Zoom or on a phone call. You can have like, like when you do presentations on Zoom, you can have stuff in front of you but it's the same for socialising. Just like little prompts. Like if your mind goes blank, you're not set. Yeah. You know, in a panic trying to think of something to say. You also do the same thing as me where you decided to say, have a nice day, didn't you? Yeah, yeah. Because it just seems like a nice thing to say to someone. It like leaves the conversation a nice point. Now I do do scripts on my placement at work but that's because I'm not very confident in what I'm saying. Okay. So that's about, I have to gather necessary information. So the script is so I don't miss anything out because I'm new to it. Is that a script or like more just like a checklist? It has been a script sometimes. I've actually written it as I would say it. Okay, that's cool. That isn't something that I'd stick with. It's not something that it's just because I don't want to miss things out. Yeah. Number five. I will repeat phrases that I have heard others say in the exact same way that I first heard them. So this one I'll disagree with. I will definitely take certain things. Like we said, have a nice day. When someone said that to me, I was like, oh yeah, yeah. We'll have a nice day actually. Yeah, yeah. And I thought I could say that to other people too. It might help but I wouldn't say it in the exact same way. And that's what the question said. You'd say it in the exact same way. I wouldn't, I'd put my own twist on it. Would you? Yeah. Have a very nice day. Would you? Have you said that before? No, actually, no. Oh, that sounds scary. Yeah, no, it seems a bit threatening, doesn't it? Have a very nice day. I suppose it depends on your tone. I somewhat disagreed because I don't think, again, I agree. I don't think that I would repeat the exact same tone. I do definitely remember times where I've heard someone say something and I've thought, oh, that sounds nice. I like that. And then kind of store it in your brain and then say it. I feel like it is a little bit unnatural for me. Like, how do you feel when you say, like, have a nice day? Do you feel slightly awkward? Do you know what? A little bit, yeah. I've started at the end of my consultations, I've started saying, take care of yourself or something like that. Oh gosh, I don't know if I can say that now. Yeah, and it does, sometimes it does feel a bit... I'm rubbish at ending conversations actually with them sort of conversations. Like, I never know. I end them about four times before I leave and I've realised I've already said the ending phrase, like, have a nice day and then they say something, I reply to them and I'm like, oh no, now I've got to say bye again. Oh, it is, yeah. Saying goodbye can be hard, like, even with friends as well. It's like, I'm going... Like, some people can just be like, go in and they just do it and it flows and you're like, oh, yes. And for me, I just end up stuck places for ages because I can't leave. That's relatable to me. Yeah. There's just so many things that I just feel like it would be so awkward for me to say them. Greetings and then saying goodbye and stuff like that just always feel like, hi, how are you? I'm just like... It's just like, I don't know. I just feel like I cringe. Greetings, yeah. I can be bad. I remember one time when someone was like, sat a bit to the side of me and they were turned around facing their computer and I needed to get their attention. Oh, no, no, no. That's the worst thing I've already thought of. I thought about how to try and get their attention for a while. Yeah. Because it was like a quiet room and I didn't want to shout and I obviously didn't want to tap them or anything that involved touching them. So I thought about it and I think I thought about it too much to the point where I said their name, they jumped as if it was like a big surprise and I was like, I swear if I'd have just done it naturally, like I overthought it. I don't know why though. I don't know why I made them jump. I was like, oh, yeah. I don't know. Oh, no, what did you say? Did they act like they hadn't jumped? No, no, no, no. They were like, oh, you made me jump and I was like, oh, sorry. I didn't mean to be that loud and awkward. Because you've got a booming voice as your parents say. That might be it, yeah. Because parents always say he's got a very deep booming voice. And I haven't. Do you agree? Leave a comment below. No, I don't want to vote no. No, I do not want to vote no. But beware that he needs to keep up his self-confidence or he will never leave the house again. And I'll never be on a video again. Maybe that's what people want. Maybe. No. I would as well, yeah. Get me off. I don't understand how some people can do things like getting people's attention so easily. You feel like some people could do anything and it would be fine and it would just work. Like they could tap someone on the shoulder. They could dance around the room and it would just be chill. My tap must be the same as someone else's. Like it's just a tap. But if I went up to someone and tapped them, even if they weren't looking at me, I feel like I would still be so awkward. Like creepy and weird. Yeah, yeah. Like you go up to them. I think it's because I'd be really tentative about it and I'd go up, stand behind them for a little bit, which would be weird. And then I'd be like, should I tap them? And then I'd be like... And then maybe I'd get the pressure wrong or something. I'd just jab it in a bit too hard. They'd jump then for sure. So this one I would agree with because I feel like it's more about appearing interested, which is more matching their mood. So if they're saying something that I'm not interested in at all, I'll still appear interested. I'll smile or lean towards them as if I'm interested, even if it doesn't necessarily interest me. And most of the time I do actually become a bit interested if they are interested in it. Wow. I'm not asking for a medal. I'm just answering the question on the quiz. No, no, I'd agree with this one. I think I do adjust body language and facial expression. If you are interested in what someone's saying, if you actually were interested, would you adjust it? No. Would you appear interested? No. Would you feel like... No, I can be naturally interested. I'm not, I don't not appear interested in everything. So I strongly agree. And for me, I feel like even if I am interested in what somebody's saying, whatever they're saying, they're saying something sad, it's still like, oh, do I look sad? Or if it's something that I am interested in, and I'm like, do I look like I'm engaged? Am I giving enough? Like, you know, nodding and smiling, like conscious of all those things. Because I think maybe when I was in primary school, my facial expressions could be quite flat and blank. I mean, also you do have to remember that I think there are probably many times when an autistic person is not actually that interested as well in what's being said. Maybe that's just people who have ADHD as well. I don't know. You talking about football. I mean, I don't even try to appear interested. I think you're not bad, actually. Well, I mean, I'm often doing something else. It depends what, if you're busy doing something, you're not interested, obviously. If I catch you at a good moment, you'll ask some follow-up questions, you know. And you do remember some of the information as well. I don't mind the drama behind the scenes. I often feel like it's, when is this going to end? When is this going to end? When there's like a long, long thing. I'm like, oh, we just got to get through a few more seconds of this pain and then it'll have finished. Particularly if you're like really annoyed about something after a match and you're just saying it for the sake of saying it. Sometimes I pre-warn you though, don't I? Yeah, yeah. You kind of say as if like, basically you don't need to really listen but you're going to say something about football. I've just got to share it. Okay. So if you were interested in something that someone said, it would be intuitive and you wouldn't feel like you had to monitor. You wouldn't like have any sort of awareness of your face or your body. You wouldn't be thinking about it. You'd just be like, I am interested. I'm going to be. Interested. Going to be who I am. An interested person. You embody that. It's all fine. Okay, yeah. So for me, no, it's not like that. I'll still, I'll still agree. Number seven, in social situations, I feel like I'm performing rather than being myself. I would disagree with this. I'm either myself or I completely kind of zone out of it. There's no performing involved. So like, say like a group situation when everyone's talking about something that I'm not interested in, I just won't say anything. Okay, and you don't feel like pressure or feel bad that you're not saying anything. Oh no, no, no. I do feel bad, but I don't perform. I strongly agree. I always feel like I'm performing, but at least in the past, I always had to be like a very carefully curated version of myself. Like at college, it was very much, I made like kind of moments of character for myself. Like this is how I'm going to look. This is how I'm going to be. I basically tried to be like an outgoing extroverted person and like really push myself. Yeah, and you did come across that way. I'd never done that before. I think it kind of like leveled out the performance like each school experience I had. So, okay, we'll start at nursery. I walked around the edge of the playground, probably flapped my hands and made up stories in my head about people. I didn't speak to anyone. Then primary school, I was pretty blank in my facial expressions. I think people told me I was weird all the time. I didn't know why. And then I kind of had incidents where people noticed me doing like the flapping and things like that. So I was like, oh crap, I need to stop doing that. So I feel like in primary school, it was more about just like being in a straight jacket. Don't move. Don't do anything that's going to be seen as too odd and just like try and get through it. And then high school was a bit more like you just had to be so careful so you didn't become like the target of the day. So it was more like just smile and laugh and try and get through it. So a lot of like face hurting from smiling and laughing at things that aren't really that funny and like, just please get me out of here. And then that's where I started the obsession with me trying to make sure my appearance was... I just think I thought people didn't like me because I wasn't attractive. I thought I was ugly. And like, if I made myself look nice, people would make a judgment of me that I didn't understand. And so I think I would like try really, really hard like obsessively with my appearance because I thought that's the only thing. I would look at other people and I'd be like, why do people like them and not me? And I'd be like, okay, I must maybe make my appearance better or something. And then college, I was like, went all in like crazy perfectionist. Nope, I'm going to be the ideal person. And then I could only handle it for a few months and then I left. So that worked out really well. Yeah, it did. But I mean, we met, so. Yeah, we did. But strangely, like I did always feel quite comfortable around you. I just did straight away. I felt less like I had to pretend. Yeah. I don't think I ever really felt that much like I have to pretend around you. That's good, yeah. I think because when you first spoke to me, you did seem like quite shy and socially anxious. And I think when I see that in someone else, I feel like I can sympathize with it a lot. I'm the same, yeah. I become more confident if someone is also. I mean, sometimes someone's really awkward and you're like, Yeah, they're too far. It's too much and you're like, oh no. Now that I understand about autism, maybe not too much. I might assume they're autistic actually and then it might be all right. But sometimes you assume someone doesn't like you, I think. Yeah, that's the worry, yeah. But I relate to people more if they are a bit socially anxious. Yeah, maybe you saw something in me. Maybe you saw through that. Well, no, because you were... No, I wouldn't say so. You think I was convincing. You were convincing, yeah. You did a good job. I mean, like you say, there are parts of yourself in the performance. You feel like every single thing you do is very carefully thought out and that's obviously quite tiring if you're doing that all day, every day. Yeah, but you took quite a lot of days off. I did. You had to, yeah, yeah. No, it was exhausting as hell. In my own social interactions, I use behaviours that I've learned from watching other people interacting. Strongly disagree. Yeah, that one. I don't think I've ever watched someone interacting and felt like I'm going to take that behaviour from them. So I said somewhat agree. I do feel like throughout my life, I've kind of watched extroverted people. And now looking back, as I've said, it was kind of like a lot of the time extroverted people with ADHD that I'd be like, hey, they know what they're doing. I don't know, I related to the fact that they were like a bit quirky. Yeah. And they also were quite honest. Yeah. But people still liked them. And they had like, they didn't have necessarily always so much of the like physical awkwardness as well. It was more, just seems very charismatic. Like some people who are extroverted with ADHD can seem very like charismatic and then they can kind of say the wrong things sometimes as well. I think there definitely are their own kind of social issues. But yeah, I definitely would kind of think, oh, I really want to be more like that kind of person. How can I make myself into that person? And watch kind of how other people do things. So yeah, I put somewhat agree because I don't think I could ever remember a time where I've kind of sat and taken notes or whatever. Like I can't think of many conscious examples, but I do think so I've done it. Number nine. I always think about the impression I make on other people. So I definitely do think about it. Not like every single day I'm not thinking about it. And I'm a bit older. I don't care so much about the impression. Whereas when I was younger, I would have cared a lot more. Whereas now I'm just like, I've gone through this much of life and it doesn't change anything whether you overanalyze these things or not. Like you've still got to just be yourself. I mean, you don't have to be. You can be whatever you want to be. Inspiration for your own, creating your own mask. I'm going to say that I agree that, no, somewhat agree. So I don't always think about it, but I do think about it sometimes. But I just don't care so much about it now. Okay. So when you come away from an interaction, do you find yourself like replaying it? No, I don't really do that so much. Unless it's been a very bad interaction. Yeah. But I don't beat myself up about it all. Like I'm just like, okay. Okay. You messed up that conversation, but that happens, doesn't it? Occasionally. Occasionally when I mess up. I just, I don't even have to try. No one's inspired. I mean, what do you think my answer to that is? Strongly agree. You don't only think about the impression you made. You also have to share it with me. Oh, sorry. And I have to say that it came across fine. Don't worry about it. No one's replaying that conversation. I lie awake at night and think about it. I've always been waiting like your whole life when you're younger, people are like, oh, you won't mind so much when you get older. You'll be comfortable in your own skin. You won't care. And I found that somewhat. Yeah. And it just doesn't really go away from me. Like maybe a little bit, I work from home most of the time now, so I don't actually spend as much time with people. I think if I did, I would be a nasty shark and I would still feel the same as I did before. I'm pretty sure. There's the answer. Don't interact with people and you'll be fine. Very inspirational. There's the real inspiration that you came for today. I just feel like I'm always worried about whether people like me and like too much. And you come away from the situation sometimes and you're like, why? Why? Why does it matter? I don't even like them. Why does it matter? Okay, number 10, I need the support of other people in order to socialise. If it's people who I'm comfortable around or it's just a couple of people, then I don't need any support. In a group situation of people who I don't know that well, if I have a friend there or someone who I know, I'm able to talk in that group a lot easier than if I'm on my own. If I'm on my own in that group and I don't know anyone, good luck getting more than a sentence out of me because it's not happening. I hate group conversations. And in that scenario, having the support of someone is really helpful. A couple of people who I'm more comfortable with, absolutely fine. Group situation where I'm not comfortable with them, having the support of someone is helpful. So I'll go right in the middle with me but agree. What did you think I would put? What did I think you would put? It's a quiz. You sometimes like me not being there. So I would say maybe somewhat disagree for you. I put somewhat agree. Yeah. Because I think if I had to choose, I would prefer you to be there. It's just sometimes for some very specific, if I have to go and ask someone a question or something and I'm worried about how I'm going to come across, then I might be like, I'm just going to go and do that. I'd rather just be on my own in case I embarrass myself and then nobody has to see the embarrassment and it's easier for people to forget about it and move on. But I think in general, I do prefer to have you. I mean, I just like being with you. I mean, it does say I need the support. It doesn't say I prefer the support. If it was I prefer the support, then I might agree a bit more. But I need, I don't need it. I just prefer it. Strongly disagree. I don't think I've ever done that ever apart from pulling silly faces in a mirror or something like that. But that's not practice in it. I'm not going to use those different scenarios. So no, I've never practiced facial expression. I agreed with this one. The thing that mainly makes me feel like that is when I'm on Zoom calls and stuff, I look at my own face a lot to see if I look engaged. Again, if I look interested in what's being said and it has no relation to whether or not I actually am interested in what they're saying. It isn't appearance, it's how it when you feel. No, it's my facial expression. It's my facial expression specifically. And I suppose like body language, like putting my hand somewhere or I don't know. Just does it look awkward or strange in some sort of way? Yeah, it's about like not appearing strange. But a lot of it is, yeah. When you were on Zoom calls for university, you didn't, did you look at your own face? But I look at my position in the camera, so I'm not like miles off to one side or something like that. 12, I don't feel the need to make eye contact with other people if I don't want to. I think somewhat agree. Eye contact's not something I really notice that much. I just do it slash don't do it. I don't even know if I'm doing it or not most of the time. Yeah. But I don't think I have a problem with it. No one's ever said that I have a problem with it. If I make a conscious effort to, I'm like, oh, this is a bit weird. And then I don't know if I'm doing it. Usually, do you know like if you're conscious of your breathing, it becomes weird. If I'm conscious of the fact I'm looking someone in the eye, but I might be doing it naturally already, like I'm naturally breathing. But when I become aware of it, then it's weird. Yeah, I know what you mean. I do relate to that sometimes. Yeah, I put I disagree. It depends on the situation. I feel like in a professional kind of situation, it's quite humbling. I remember somebody saying when I was younger at some point, like eye contact is important for job interviews. And then that stayed in my head of like, okay, any situation where I really care about coming across well, I need to make sure I'm making eye contact with people. And then I would be conscious of it. And I could kind of tell you what kind of eye contact other people make. I know people in my life who give like really like all the time eye contact to people whose eyes drift a bit more and stuff, which I guess shows that I probably noticed it quite a bit. Maybe like once a month, having worked like Monday to Thursday, eight hour days, like once a month, I might be like, oh, am I looking this person in the eye or am I not? Yeah. So it's pretty rare. Yeah, I do feel like I'm quite conscious of it most of the time. Like when I went to that appointment for my ear thing, I'm noticing like when I look away in vlog more and then I'm just like kind of bringing my eyes back to the person. And then there were two people in the room. So like alternating between looking at each one of them as I spoke, like, I feel like that's quite conscious the whole time. Yeah. The whole time of doing it. I'm not sure if I'm even with that, if I'm always that good maintaining it because then I think your brain then starts chatting on about body language and then you're onto the next thing. And now you've forgotten about policing your eye contact again. That's why I just feel like juggling, I think. I definitely feel like there's a pressure and an expectation to look people in the eye. At work, do you feel like there's pressure? Do you feel like you're... No, no. You don't feel like that even in a work situation? Do you just feel like you will do it naturally? I just do it naturally. I just do whatever I do naturally. I don't even know what it is. So I just don't overthink it. Number 13, I have to force myself to interact with people when I am in social situations. Somewhat disagree. Usually I want to interact with people but I'm just not very good at it sometimes. But I do want to so I wouldn't call it force. I want to do it but sometimes I can't think of what to say in which case it may be a little bit forced. And do you feel like pressure when you're not saying something like, oh, I should say something? If I'm with one to one with someone then yes, but not in a group situation, I'm quite happy not to say things like that. And if you were nearby like a stranger or something, do you know when there's situations where you could speak to someone? I never do. Some people would speak to that person. Yeah. And there can be a bit of an awkward like, oh, do I say something or not? I just pick up the phone and then don't make eye contact. Yeah. I feel like often, even when it's people who I'm quite comfortable with, it feels like you're pushing against something to do it. It's just unnatural. But I do also often feel like a pressure or I did at least before. Now I kind of feel like I can let myself off a bit more. But in the past I would feel, oh, if you were like really a real extroverted, talkative sort of person, then you would talk to that person right now. And then I felt this pressure. Okay, so it's the pressure, whereas I don't think I necessarily feel like that. Unless, you know, I don't want to walk somewhere with someone and not say anything. I actually want to do that. I think even in those situations, sometimes it can feel like pushing through something, trying to scramble for something to say. It does feel like force, like pushing out a word. Again, that's why college was so exhausting. There are times where I definitely would try and avoid socialising, where I like have to push against that. And I'm like, no, you need to, you know, communicate. You need to network. Yeah. Go for it, you know. Number 14. I've tried to improve my understanding of social skills by watching other people. Answers probably changed a bit across my life. When I was more a teenager, maybe I did a little bit then, like I watched videos and things of how to increase your confidence. Socialising. How long ago was that? Maybe 11 years ago, and I haven't done it at all since. So I would say somewhat disagree, because I haven't done it since then. And even that was just like an hour maybe, once. I agreed with this again, because I definitely have throughout my life looked at extroverted people. Like my dad is very, very extroverted, isn't he? So I kind of like would look at how he would behave and sometimes think in my head, okay, like what would he do in this situation? And like try and push myself to kind of do those things. I monitor my body language or facial expressions so that I appear interested by the person I am interacting with. I don't monitor them. I probably do it naturally. Yeah. So it's not monitoring. I somewhat disagree. I haven't completely thought, oh, I am looking interested with this mate, maybe. I just agree that I'm doing a good job. You just pat yourself on the back of your head. You're like, oh yeah, you look interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, but then I, often I actually get a bit interested, you know, if someone is showing a lot of enthusiasm. So this is again, if you're not interested. I can warm into it, yeah. If you're not interested, you pat yourself on the back for looking interested in something you're not interested in. You're like, oh, what a good person. Is that when I speak? No, no, I'd like, although, sometimes you do tend to fixate on things. Right, okay. And sometimes you might be giving me a rehashed version of something you've already said. Yeah. And in that case, I don't even do a good job of monitoring it actually, most of the time. You just probably wouldn't say anything. Yeah, yeah, I just, I just agree. You need a response. I just go, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I agree. You need a response to the monologue. I put strongly agree, yeah. Because I do feel like I constantly, like I say, even if I am interested, gotta look like you're interested. You've got to try and make the face match what's on the inside. Do you ever feel like that? Do you ever feel like my face doesn't match what's going on inside? Not once, no. Even with looking sad. Let's see if I'm saying something sad. Ooh, okay, yeah. Do you ever feel a little bit like... Not until I've been on my placement and people have actually had very sad things. Oh, yeah. Sixteen, when in social situations, I try to find ways of avoiding interacting with others. Ooh, yes, I quite enjoy this sometimes. I mean, obviously, I don't do it if it's going to be obvious, but like, I'll walk a certain way because I know that I'm more likely to see someone. And I might like the person. I like them. Yeah, it's just scary. But, you know, if I can avoid that social situation by walking the long way, it's a good idea, isn't it? You said about neighbours as well, I think. Ooh, neighbours. Yeah, yeah. The best thing is, so in our building, we've got a lift and stairs and they're on like opposite sides of the building. Now, sometimes I'll go to use the lift and I'll hear it coming down. I'm not waiting for that lift to come down to the ground floor. I'm going back round and going the long way up the stairs. My heart starts racing, it's terrible. Or vice versa, if I hear someone coming down the stairs, onto the lift. You hear a door like swinging, like because there's doors leading onto the stairs, a little squeak in the door. I feel like my heart races and you feel like sometimes you've got like a split second to make a decision about which direction and then you have to like dash in that direction. And then I'm always scared the lift will open just as I made the decision. They just see my foot running away. So I think I would say for this one, agree. If I can find a way, then I might do it. Yeah, I did the same as well. In college, did you try and avoid interacting with people? Because that was a lot of socialising. You know what, I didn't. But when I did, I enjoyed it. But I felt like I couldn't because I had to still have some people to talk to. And if I avoided them all the time, I'd just be on my own all the time, which I didn't want to happen. But when I did, it was great. In college, that's where we met. And I would often hide. Hide in toilet cubicles, like just for a second, just to get peace. And I would try and run because we had a lot of like free periods where you were supposed to be able to get on with work. But obviously, it just became a kind of social thing. And if you saw someone that you knew and you had the same free period, it was like, oh, yeah, let's spend this whole next hour together. And sometimes I just really didn't want that. And there's no real polite way to say to somebody. I mean, I suppose you could say you had some work to get on with. I would just try and run away to the library. And I don't think you ever went in the library, did you? No, I never went in there once. I have no idea what it looks like. I had to have a reason. And then I enjoyed it. So I had a piece of work due for the next lesson, which sometimes happened. Yeah. And then I'd go away and I would avoid that sort of situation. I thought it was great. But I had to have that excuse. Yeah. And it's not an excuse. It was actually true. I mean, I was going through a phase where I had an obsession with working all the time as well. So that was part of it too. But it also was just a relief to be able to get away at the same time. I think from the moment I got to college, I was doing that quite frequently. I think I realized pretty quickly that I did not like those free periods at all. And I think it probably got worse the longer I was there. So sometimes there were hours. Sometimes you have three hours in an afternoon to try and kill before your bus came. It was painful. I would not have wanted to socialize for those three hours. Whereas I think you probably would have preferred that, wouldn't you, to working? Oh, definitely. Yeah. No, it depends who it's with though. If it's with a friend, I had friends that I enjoyed talking to. Yeah. You see, I had friends that I enjoyed talking to as well, but I just didn't want to have to talk to them all the time, I suppose. It's just, it was tiring. And a lot of them, if they were seeing like the masked version of me, didn't really actually know me that well, maybe in some ways. Disagree. I don't know what the rules are. So you can't research them. Yeah. It's a bit difficult sometimes to pinpoint exactly what it is. And it's also like you can make it as we're like, you know, we're approaching 30 now. Like you kind of maybe picked up information already. I mean, yeah, I imagine so. Yeah. So there are rules there, but I couldn't tell you what they are. You did say you'd research about being more confident, but you wouldn't class that as rules of social interaction. Yeah. So I had done that in the past, but not rules. In fact, the confidence thing sometimes felt to me like these were breaking the rules because it seemed so unnatural to me. That being confident and asserting yourself into a group situation or something, that to me is breaking the rules, talking loudly over people or taking charge of the conversation in a group setting. That's just not me. They're not part of my rules. Yeah. It does feel like sometimes there's a fine line between irritating everyone and being like a blundering idiot. And then also being like really, I don't know how some people just have like a magic formula where they can kind of... Just do it. Yeah. Do things charismatically. Their rules are different, I think. I wonder how those people feel. How does it feel from the inside to be that sort of person? I don't know. 18, I'm always aware of the impression I make on other people. Not always, but I do think about it sometimes. So somewhat disagree. Always is too strong a word. This kind of confused me because I was like, I'm always aware. Does that mean I always know what impression I make on other people? Or does that mean I always think about it? I always think about it. You can never know. But I feel like I can get it wrong. Like I often think too negatively about an interaction, I think. Oh, I do too. My default is that people don't like me. Yeah, I think a lot of people feel like that. That's my default state and I've heard it before. But I'd love to not feel that way. 19, I feel free to be myself when I'm with other people. Do I feel free to be myself? I think so. I think I'm pretty free to be myself. I definitely wouldn't feel that I'm being someone other than myself. I might be different versions of myself. It's a very slight change where I might appear more confident, but I'm pretty sure that I'm myself the whole time. So I would, I'd just agree with that. I do feel free to be myself. I strongly, strongly disagreed with it. Oh, it makes me sad. Does it? Yeah. See, that's where we'd have thought that we were the same thing previous to this, maybe. Yeah. Whereas now that is quite a big difference that in social situations, I feel like I'm myself and you don't. You just get like, I don't even know how I would be myself anymore. You feel like you're so conditioned by this point. It must have come from little things like being told I was weird for something and then like editing, like little edits made to your behaviour that ultimately became me trying to transform my whole personality in college. Yeah. I mean, there's little bits that I admit, like so recently, we've been quite into board games and things like that. And I wouldn't go in and say, Oh, I've been really enjoying this board game. I just know that no one would care. Or even if they did, I feel like it's not a cool hobby. Maybe I am. Maybe I've got to watch more of those videos. So there's bits that I admit, but there's probably small changes. Yeah. I still feel like I am myself. Yeah. I mean, like to a certain extent, I feel like myself is kind of mixed in. Sometimes I feel like I am that more of trying to be more myself on top of like this level of anxiety that I can't get past. I don't know. I would often just have a frustration when I got home of why can't I just be myself? It would be frustrating that I would feel the need to like commit so much of myself, just be like such a watered down version. I basically had no opinions and didn't assert myself. And actually, I'm quite an assertive person in general. Number 20, I learned how people use their bodies and faces to interact by watching television or films or by reading fiction. Strongly disagree. I've never done that once. I'm not sure when I was first thinking I could be autistic if I would relate to this. But then when we did a facial expressions quiz a while ago, like a really stupid one, my answers were varied. If this was like on a Netflix program, if someone was doing this face, what kind of music would be playing in the background? And what might have just happened to them? And what would the scene be? And that was kind of how I had to work out. Felt like it was a calculation kind of process. Like there was more going to try and figure it out. Whereas I think for you, I don't know. Mine was just fully intuitive. But I just thought it was like, that's that. I feel like if I first look at somebody's face, it takes me a while to take it in. I'm not sure if that's the detail focus kind of mind, zoning in on little bits and pieces. But my brain just wants to go, it's battle good. Like a positive or negative face. And I find it really hard to understand past that. So like to you, I'll say like, why do you look depressed? Your face looks depressed. It's like changed a tiny bit. I'm like, Lewis, you're depressed. Why are you depressed? It's like just neutral. It's like how I see colours. It's like, you know, it's either red or blue. Oh yeah, there's no nuance for you. There's no nuance. Like when they're discussing in the office what colour a car is, is it electric blue or royal blue? I don't know what either of those are, I must say. Looks blue to me. Yeah, there's a big argument about you and my mum, isn't it? About one of your pairs of socks. Where have those socks gone? I don't know whether they were pink or red. They're very clearly red. Clearly. They're a pinky red. They are red. And it's not like I have a problem with wearing pink socks. Yeah. So it's not like me saying that, oh no, they're red. They're not pink. I quite like wearing pink things. They are definitely red. I don't know where they've gone. So I can't even, you know, dispute it at this point. I somewhat agreed with that because I feel like, well, I kind of must have done it. That's like how I see it in my head. 21, I adjust my body language or facial expressions so that I appear relaxed. We kind of had that one already. Yeah, I strongly disagree with that as well. I feel like I'm naturally come across quite relaxed anyway. The casual. Even if I do feel... That's how we got together. No, I wasn't relaxed at all. Were you worried about looking relaxed in that moment? No, I wasn't worried about looking relaxed. I was worried about what I was saying to you. I feel like you should have been worried about looking relaxed. Maybe I should have. Yeah, maybe we got together faster if I was more relaxed. Yeah, that was what it was. I just really thought like... It's going to be a stressful time with this person. He was agitated. No, I feel like my go-to is quite relaxed anyway. So I definitely wouldn't be thinking about am I relaxed. You are quite a chill guy. I feel like my brain churns. Churns is the right word. A lot more than yours does. Yeah, mine has like a calm sea going in it most of the time. Yours is like crashing waves against the rocks. And mine's just like, you know, you sat by by the beach. And sometimes it doesn't work very well when your brain's like that because you're not aware of impending danger. You're still on the beach. We can be quite a good mix sometimes, I think. Yeah, we can, yeah. Like I kind of sometimes push you to do things. Yeah, I wouldn't do anything at all. I'd just be in the same... Like I would never progress my life any further because I'm still on the beach. Yeah, it's fine. Why do I need to change it? Whereas for me, it's always turmoil. So it's like we're always running away from something. We are, yeah. Trying to get to somewhere higher up away from these impending doom. Yeah, so I strongly agreed because we've always got to be worried about that, yes. When talking to other people, I feel like the conversation flows naturally. I feel like this varies. It's like sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it kind of feels awkward. I think it can depend on the chemistry with another person. Yeah, it does. It definitely doesn't come naturally to me every time. And some people I'm better at with others. I would say mostly so somewhat agree. Sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it doesn't. I strongly disagreed. I don't think it ever feels, apart from when I'm talking to you, I don't care what I say to you. Yeah, good. Whatever. Goals. But like, yeah. But like I feel like it always feels like swimming against the current a bit. Like often it doesn't feel inside like things are going well. Even if things are, I'm just always worried about it. And I feel like I'm always pushing against things. And I'm always just in a bit of a spiral. Mental spiral while socializing. And from the outside, it seems absolutely fine. Like you've thought things in the past. I've been there and it was fine. It's the sad thing about college. I just think nobody would have had any idea how miserable I was. No, I had no idea. What did you think when I left? I'm still on the beach, Meg. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, I thought, well, you've left. You've left. Yeah. When you left college, I just thought. We weren't together at that time. Otherwise, I think you would have been a bit more bothered. Like, oh, she's left. She's left my journey. God, she's gone, yeah. I've spent time learning social skills from television shows and films. And try to use these in my interactions. Now, I can't remember what the difference was from the other one. But I still strongly disagree. This is more I've spent time learning. Which is why, yeah, I didn't really agree with this one. Maybe I should have done. You know, maybe. I feel like actually, I'm probably glad I didn't really mask that much. Maybe some other people would have tried harder. For me, it just felt too exhausting. I would kind of have times where I would try a little bit to be friends with people. There was a time where there was like these kind of popular girls. And somehow it was arranged by the teacher. He was trying to help me to make friends that I be part of their group. And they would like send me messages. And for a few days, I was like really excited. I was like texting them. And I don't know. I just got to a point. I was just like, this is just not me. And I just couldn't do it. And I just stopped talking to them. And I just drifted off. I got to a point where I just felt like false and tiring, I suppose. And it was just like, I realized I didn't really have anything in common with them. And I just wasn't actually interested. And I just wanted to read. Yeah. And they wouldn't let me read in the classroom. And that was so annoying. In social situations, I do not pay attention to what my face or body are doing. I agree. I don't. I don't think so. Unless I'm aware of something horrendous. What would be horrendous? I don't know. You realize you've got some food on your face or something like that. That's not. I suppose that is what your face is doing. No. Really? I just agree. I've not really thought about it too much. What my face and body are doing. No. I'm more about what words are coming out of my mouth. Yeah. If I'm coming across okay. Like, sometimes I say things that come across awkwardly. I'm like, why did I say that? I just feel like it's this horrible awareness of yourself all the time. Like, it's exhausting. It makes you feel kind of gross. You think about having to think about what to say as well. And what the other person is saying. No wonder it's so tiring if you've got that as well. Like, it's tiring enough just to try and think about what you're saying. So if you're having a whole persona. I think what happens is, is that when you're a child you often are quite flat. And it sometimes gets you into trouble for looking like you're bored. Or like you're not interested. Or you're not enthusiastic. Or you're not appreciating something. Or like, like somehow you're being unkind or whatever. So then you get used to having to really like push, like force this energy out. Whereas sometimes you might be quite happy and quite content. But you just don't necessarily want to plaster it all over your face, you know? Yeah. And I think men can get away with if you'd imagine. I'd imagine men can get away with that more. That is true. I think some of the differences that we have would be maybe a bit more towards your end. If I was female. Maybe. I don't, I, I'm aware of that myself. I feel like men might just be seen as like serious and thoughtful. And like, look, he's having ideas. I suppose it can also be seen like, oh, she's just shy as well. That's true, yeah. And on the other end, that could be another reason why you kind of don't get diagnosed. But then I suppose as you get older, you're expected to be more bubbly. I suppose that's why high school, I felt like I had to laugh all the time. Like, you can't just be like shy anymore. In social situations, I feel like I'm pretending to be normal. Disagree. I feel like I am normal. But I'm a bit socially awkward sometimes. But not that much. So, so I know that I'm on the scale. If you had a scale of like one to ten of how socially good you are. I don't know how that's quantifiable. One to ten, let's go with. I'd say I'm on the four. But I can do it. Like my job involves communicating. So I obviously can do it. But I feel nervous doing it sometimes. I quite strongly agree. I can't relate at all to anybody saying that they had a good experience at primary school. I find that ridiculous. I did. Yeah, it was high school. Everybody thinks, thought primary school was like fabulous. Primary school, I didn't. I won't go as far as saying I enjoyed it. But it, but it was okay. High school was not. I feel like it's a big difference between primary school and high school. And I didn't feel it was that much of a difference, to be honest. I got more withdrawn throughout. Do you know that you were saying that you kind of got more like. I don't want to say improved, that's a wrong word. Changed, I don't know. Changed to be more socially acceptable or something like that. I think I actually went the opposite way. I was more confident in primary school. High school kind of knocked it out of me. And then by college, I was so much more quieter. I think as a result of maybe high school knocking confidence out of me, I became more like that. It was like a self preservation thing. I did the opposite. I thought this is just who I am. I don't have any confidence in these sorts of settings. It was only once I came out of that environment and went to university that my confidence came back. I know university, I just would not. I'm not going to go to university at all. Having to live with people, it would have been dreadful. So are you going to get your score? My score is 65. 65 total. Okay, so mine's 149. Okay. Because I did feel like I was a bit enthusiastic sometimes when I was doing it because I feel like you just read some of these statements. I don't know, to me, reading a statement in social situations, I feel like I'm pretending to be normal. I feel like, oh my gosh, yes, that's how I felt my whole life. It makes you feel so seen and it's so weird. It's weird when you're first discovering it. It's disorientating because you're like, oh, I thought everybody felt like this. Everyone was going out and pretending and coming home and feeling awful and we were all just going out and being fake every day and that's kind of how I thought socialising was. And I was a bit like, this is a weird, messed up world that we live in. I don't know, why are we all pretending so hard? 16 on compensation. Yeah. And I got 42. Slight difference. Yeah. 25 on masking. I got 55 on masking. And 24 on assimilation. Yeah, I got 52. 52. Yeah, so then let's see the average score. Okay, total score though. Total score, 65. The average is 96.89 for male. Really? The average, yeah, average neurotypical cat Q score. So, wow. I did say I was very neurotypical at the start. I think people who are less happy, people who are more anxious people in general, so you tend to get higher scores on it and you're just very level. Yeah. Yeah, I might feel kind of socially awkward in situations but I don't enact any behaviour to try and change that or don't overthink it. Yeah, I feel like you're just kind of at peace with yourself. I'm at peace with it, yeah. You're at peace with a lot of things in life, which I think is why we work really well together. Neurotypical people, all cat Q scores negatively correlate with well-being, not just total score and assimilation. So I think because you have the well-being. That would make sense, yeah. So even though I do struggle in some sort of social situations and I don't think I'm that good at it because I'm quite happy and quite content with where I am with that and I just feel like that's always going to be me and I'm fine with that. I feel like that's where masking is kind of bad for people. The fact that you're constantly basically saying, I'm not good enough to yourself and I've got to be someone else and then that's just so much effort, like particularly in like college as a young person and in work as well, you've got stress already in the job. So if I have a bad interaction with someone I can just be like, it happens, it happens to everyone. It's like you kind it to yourself. The problem is that the reason why you built that mask and started doing that is because you kind of went out into the world, or at least for me it was, you went out into the world as yourself and it didn't work and you didn't fit, kind of had to do it as a response to protect yourself. It's like a threat response for me, it's like you're trying to make yourself appropriate and I think it's so important to humans in general how you've seen us socially, obviously, from the way people post on social media, you can tell. Well yeah, because in the past you'd get booted out of the group, wouldn't you, if people didn't like you or just killed. Yes, so we're just trying not to be killed, that's all we want. We want to stay in the group. I'm concluding from that, do you think autism is real? Do you think masking is real? It is definitely real. I've not experienced it myself really, but from what you've told me, like I said, we have very different experiences, whereas previously we actually thought that we were the same, but I think that is the main difference, that when you're out, you're projecting a version of yourself that isn't true necessarily. Yeah, or it's just very carefully thought through, very carefully planned, and I suppose because you have this brain that likes detail as well, it's like every little detail of it has got to be okay. Yeah, whereas I am more just myself. It might be slightly different versions, but generally I'm quite okay with how I present myself. What would you say to somebody who said that, masking is just normal, like everybody does that kind of thing? I mean, the scores, I think, kind of speaks. It's a good quiz. I think it's really good. When I first did it, that was one of the things that made me think, okay, no, I actually could be autistic. Like before that, I had a lot of doubt. It's just crazy seeing the differences in the scores. I think if someone said that, I'd say, well, if you're agreeing with all these things, then you yourself could be autistic potentially, and that might just be your normal. That's true. How do you know? How do you know? Like I say, I thought everybody did it. I really did. When you read a lot of those questions, do you feel like it's the weird questions, like weird things to ask? I mean, some of them would just definitely strongly disagree, but when I was like, without having spoke about it with you previously, I would have said, who does that? Yeah. This is coming from someone of when exams rolled around, I wasn't aware that anyone revised for them, because I didn't. So I would have said that revising for exams was not normal, because my only experience was I didn't revise for exams, really. I think there were a lot of people who didn't revise for exams. You're probably in the majority. I thought nobody did. I thought, what, you want me to read this textbook in my own free time? Are you kidding? It's not happening. It's not. But you did very well. I did okay, but I didn't revise. Well, you could coast through, because you've got some natural intelligence somewhere in there. I didn't showcase it in this video, but... Oh, you did. Maybe. Why were you not intelligent in this video? I don't know. Oh no, you're going to get more beard on me. No, it's fine. You gave me a hug before and you got beard, like little beard hairs stuck to my makeup. I think there has been some context, I'd shaved my beard a bit. Oh yeah, it's not just molting. It would just come off. If you haven't seen me answering these questions on my own, giving a little bit more information and going with kind of like my gut initial reaction, because I hadn't seen the questions in the quiz for quite a long time when I did that video, you can have a look at the video here. Enjoy. Watch it. Yes. Okay, that is all. Perfect. Have a good day. Bye. You move your hands a lot in these videos. I don't think they've ever seen my hand. Yeah, I do. As you're like, ooh, and I'm like, here's my hand. That's what I mean, like if I'm not the one talking, I don't know what to do with myself. Okay, I see. It gives me something to do and then I start doing that stupid thing with my little lip. Yeah. And then I start like rocking a bit in my chair or like I just stare really fixed at something. I'm like, oh my god, this is like an absolute crazy part. And then I'm like, no wonder everyone thought you were weird. I can see it.