Do YOU Have Pathological Demand Avoidance? Take the test.

We need novelty, but then also we need sameness, but then also we need control, but then also this is really complicated. How are we supposed to exist? I have the Pathological Demand Avoidance Profile of Autism, a beautifully named profile of autism that is sarcasm. If you want to watch the video I made about traits and signs that you might be PDA, I'll leave it linked. There were a lot of people thinking that they potentially could be PDA, so I wanted to try and make another video to help those people. There is a PDA test, if you didn't know. It is not a diagnostic tool, it is created by two PDA-ers. I'm going to leave the test down below, it has 50 questions that are related to PDA and then 50 questions that are taken from the Aspie quiz, so they're related to autism. I'm just going to be doing the PDA part today. I have an autism diagnosis already. If you want to see a video of me doing the Aspie quiz, I'd be open to doing that too. You can do both parts if you want to, but we'll do the PDA part together if you like And maybe this will help you to find a bit more clarity about whether this profile of autism best describes you and how you experience this weird thing called existing. The first one, do you find it difficult to do simple things that other people seem to find easy? Yes, this is the story of my life. For lots of different reasons, I assume this question is more to do with how PDA-ers can find it difficult to do basic everyday tasks sometimes, like, you know, brushing your teeth, making your bed, getting yourself ready, no no no no no. I definitely have to give myself days where I don't get ready at all and, like, I just roll out of bed and then that's how I am for the rest of the day. I do always brush my teeth because, like, sensory-wise, that's disgusting if I don't. But I often do do the basic everyday tasks, but I shout at myself a lot in my head in order to get them done, and I think it feels more like swimming against the current to do them than it seems to for other people. The things that I have to do, to me, seem more oppressive to me, I think, than how other people find things. There's lots of examples I could give you. Other people managed to get through doing their GCSE exams as a teenager without having a mental breakdown, which I didn't, so. Does praise always make you feel good? Ha. No. This doesn't mean I don't want people to give me praise because I'm also a very insecure, fragile being. Say if Lewis walked past me while I was editing a video and was like, oh, that looks good, the immediate feeling would be a bit like, hmm? I'd kind of want to just, like, shut it down and be like, no, no it's not. I don't know, it just feels unpleasant, like, it would kind of make my skin crawl and I'd be like, no, no, and I'd find a reason, but I actually know this isn't good. I just hate people watching what I'm doing, like, someone looking over my shoulder and commenting on what I'm doing, I'm like, get your eyes off my screen, which I think comes into the whole thing of PDA being kind of like performance anxiety. I don't want anybody watching me until I feel like what I've completed is perfect, which it never will be, so keep your eyes away. Number three, do you find it easier to do tasks that you have to do as opposed to optional tasks? So easier to do tasks that I have to do as opposed to, no, that's a no, I get worried that I'm going to answer the wrong way around because I'm going to read the question like an idiot. No, I don't. I will often go to great lengths to avoid doing something and instead do something that actually requires more energy and more effort just so I can avoid the thing that I feel like I absolutely have to do. Obviously, I hated school, I hated having to do my homework. I did do it, but I hated it. But I remember being in a history class and there was a teacher who kind of split off the class. This is a horrible thing to do, but she basically split the class into the clever people and the not clever people. And she said, clever people, I want you to write this essay, or I think it was supposed to be like a fake newspaper article. We were probably too young to be doing essays, but it was like, write a fake newspaper article about this historical event. And then this, the dumb side of the class, you're going to do this one. She didn't say it in those words, but she basically, that was what she meant. I got put in the dumb side of the class, which as soon as I went on to get full marks and numerous history exams, I found a bit offensive, but I think she kind of didn't get me. There's one of these people where you feel like they just don't get you and she could tell there was something different about me and she assumed that that difference was stupidity. So she put me in this group and I was like, oh hell no. And then I did both essays in the end or both newspaper articles. Number four, do you find it more difficult to complete tasks when people are watching? I just said that, didn't I? Five, do you feel a need to take control, but dislike being placed in charge? What does this mean? Do I feel a need to be in control? Yes. Lack of control makes me very anxious. Do I dislike being placed in control? There were times in school where I was asked to fill a leadership role and I was actually quite happy because usually because I was seen as shy, I think I spent most of my school life in a kind of shut down state where I didn't speak very much. So I was seen as very quiet and meek and so I wasn't given those roles even though I like to be in control. So actually I was quite grateful sometimes when I was placed in that position, but I do prefer autonomy and to choose what I'm doing with my time in general. I don't know. Should I say, do I dislike being placed in charge? I mean, if somebody just says, oh yeah, you should do that. I want you to be responsible for making the cakes for this party. That's not me being placed in charge. I'm being placed in charge of the cakes. I'm overthinking this one. Should I say no? I'll say no. Number six, do you find it helpful if someone reminds you to do a task? I wish I could read this one to my husband, he'd be like, it may actually be helpful, but I'm quite good at remembering what I need to do. My brain is a constant swirling to do list. If I stand in the shower, you know, all the people might sing or they might think of ideas. I do sometimes get ideas in the shower, but mostly it's just, I go through what I need to do and I talk to myself, mutter to myself about what I need to do. So I mostly remember myself. I don't know if that's me trying to counteract ADHDness or what it is. Swirling brain. We don't love it. Uh, or maybe we do because otherwise I wouldn't exist. Do you find it helpful if someone reminds you- no. It might be helpful if I really genuinely had forgotten something, but I'd still be like, could you not tell me what I need to do with my life? It would feel like someone screamed at me and said, oh my God, you have to do this right now. Number seven, do you feel unable to control your reactions in a situation despite past experiences? In general, I would say I would agree with that. I'm not always the best. I think I'm better as I'm getting older. Now that I understand PDA as well is a great gift. If you don't understand why something's triggering you, you can end up blaming it on other things. I might blame somebody else for how they've made me feel, whereas now I might understand that I'm not feeling bad because of what the other person said. I'm feeling bad because of my nervous system and how I react to it. So it's not actually their fault and therefore I can maybe now make a joke about it and kind of laugh and almost like distance myself from the PDA and step into this like kind of wiser part who can like have a giggle at like why is that such a big problem for you? Number eight, do you feel like others are always wrong even though you know logically that isn't true? Oh, I love that this is created by PDA-ism. Yes. And it's, ah, and it's kind of horrible and I kind of knew it about myself and I'd always feel a bit like, oh, deep down, am I actually a bad person? You know? And now I can understand it and like, yeah, if people give me advice, but sometimes I go to them for advice. I want advice. Sometimes nowadays my mum won't give me advice because she knows and I'm like, Renata, where's your advice? Like, come on, give me the advice. But if she gives me the advice, she's going to be wrong and she's going to get an essay about why it's all wrong. Sometimes I understand why it's hard for people on the outside to know how to communicate with us. It can be difficult. Your immediate thing is like critical thinking about anything someone else has said and kind of like, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. But is it though? Like, mm? Number nine. Do you like imposed routine? Hell no. Get out. That's why a lot of the typical autism resources don't necessarily help someone with PDA. Number 10. Have you ever struggled in work or school due to the amount of work required of you? Yes. If it's not up already, it will be up soon. I'm going to make a video about my burnout story at school, the time in my life where I really wish more than any other time in my life that I had been diagnosed. Even just reading phrases for me, like, required of you, it kind of, ooh. Number 11. Do you tend to avoid routine tasks on a regular basis such as washing, eating, dressing, sleeping, and going out? Yes, I do. I feel like they add weight to my day, each one of these tasks. So like most of the time I do them, but they feel like they weigh on me. I don't feel like it's easy and light. When I'm dehydrated and I can feel that I'm dehydrated, it feels like irritating to me and I don't want to do it. And the worse it feels, the more I don't want to do it. Pretty much the only time I can rely on myself to drink water is when I'm actually exercising. I will do it because I have rest periods and I have nothing else to do and it's like, well, I'll just drink some water. But the rest of the time, it's very hard for me to stay hydrated. I really have struggled with that my whole life. And also with eating. And obviously once you're into hyper focus of doing like interests and things, it's not a preferred task. It's not something I want to do to stop to eat. It's very hard for me to do that. And again, I can sometimes find hunger irritating and I can ignore my hunger signals. I do feel hunger signals. I ignore them. I push them down until I start feeling like kind of dizzy and sick, usually, which is not great. And sleep. I can't get myself to bed. A consistent bedtime. I'm just like, no, you go to bed. Number 12. Do you find it easy to do things you enjoy, such as hobbies or interests? My initial thing is I want to say yes, because most of my life, my hobbies and interests have since I was 19 and I wanted to move out. They've been my job. I've become self-employed and done freelance work around my hobbies and interests. So, yeah, I suppose so. They're easier for me than social stuff. They're what I gravitate towards. They're my happy place. They're my safety. However, I still obviously experience pressure from those things. There have been many times where I haven't taken certain jobs and opportunities because they felt like too much. And then I still think about them years later and I'm like, oh, maybe you really should have done that. But then I'm just like, I was looking after myself in the moment. Do I find it easy to do things I enjoy? I enjoy writing and I've written a few books that I haven't tried to have published because I'm an idiot and they just sat there. I don't know if you can blame that on PDA or ADHD. It was tricky to get myself to sit down and start writing every day. Very, very tricky, even though apparently it's something that I love to do. I'm going to say, I kind of want to say yes. It's easier than other things in my life. I neglect a lot of other things in my life for my interests. However, I still experience a lot of anxiety and feelings of pressure around my interests. And those do sometimes mean that I will do different things in order to avoid doing them. So I'm going to say yes, though, but I feel like it's more complicated than that. Yes, I would say yes to that. I said it at the beginning of the video about PDA traits. I didn't realise for most of my life that what I was experiencing was anxiety. I thought I lived with dysthymia because I just would wake up and feel like this heavy weight and always struggle with getting out of bed and not wanting to get myself moving. Just generally feeling like I had a pretty low mood. I felt like I carried a little rain cloud around with me and had this sense of impending doom all the time, even though there were times where I kind of literally ran away from something because I've been so scared. I wouldn't have seen myself as somebody who suffered with panic attacks or anything like that. I was like, oh, yeah, that that doesn't sound ideal when someone would describe like an anxiety disorder. Oh, yeah, that must be pretty hard for you. Contradicts a bit with the other question, but I'm going to say yes. I'm very anxious now. I find, oh, maybe going back to the interests thing, I do feel very anxious about filming. Filming really stresses me out and I'm very, very lucky that my husband will help me with a lot of the setting up and I'll only film when he's around and give me moral support and cheer me on. I think it's fear that I'm going to mess it up or something and something's going to go horribly wrong or something like that, which is anxiety, I suppose. I do currently right now feel anxious and on edge. I think I just lived with it. I've lived with it for so long that I didn't know there was any other way to be. And sometimes I really wonder, like, would it feel amazing? Would it feel like lying on the beach, relaxing in the sun to like live a day in my husband's brain? Like, what would that actually feel like? Number 15, do you feel anxious when pressured to do something, even if it's easy? Yes. But again, I wouldn't have recognised it as anxiety. I would have called it irritation and annoyance sometimes. For example, I hate being told, like, if someone needs to get past me for some reason and like my husband goes, Meg, move. You know, like sometimes people want you to move out the way quickly, so they'll be like, move and they might grab you and like kind of move you out of the way. That makes me feel, I suppose, dysregulated is the word. And it's completely irrational. Like, why would I not want to move out of the way for someone? Why would I want to inconvenience someone? I don't have any reason why I would want to do that. But that's just how it makes me feel. Number 16, do you spend more time delaying or avoiding a task than it would take to actually do it? Yeah, procrastination is definitely something that I battle with. I think I counteracted it in my teens by yelling at myself in my head to do things constantly and propelling myself towards burnout. And that was kind of my coping mechanism of how I dealt with PDA, which I would not recommend personally. And sometimes I'm very surprised by how little time something actually takes me because it's just expanded to become so massive in my head. And then I'll actually time how long it takes me to do something. And I'll be like. Maybe if you hadn't laid on the floor like you could have just got it done, but sometimes maybe maybe you need to lie on the floor, you know, who would have thought it? It's OK to rest. What in this capitalist society? Never. 17. Are there days where you can do lots of tasks and days where you struggle with simple things such as dressing and eating? Yes, for sure. And it can just fluctuate. Around November time, I think I struggle with the weather a little bit. I definitely am someone I know a lot of autistic people don't like summer and find it awful for sensory reasons. I hate being cold and I hate it being grey. And I definitely feel like bright weather lifts my mood. November is typically quite a bad month for me. Then it just fluctuates for no reason all over the place as well in between that. Number 18. Do you feel automatically driven to behave like a different person when in public like wearing a mask? Yeah, of course. Loads of videos about masking or much else. Number 19. Are you prone to panic attacks? I would say yes now, but I didn't think so for most of my life. But there are many times, as I said, where I have dissolved into tears, hyperventilated, not been able to do something or physically run away from doing something. And autistic meltdowns and panic attacks also have a lot of similarities as well. Number 20. Do you feel like everyone is equal regardless of age, race, gender, social status? Yes, definitely. Things have always got me, you know, fired up. There's like a strong sense of justice. Have you had obsessions with certain people? For example, wanting to know everything about them, be around them all the time, feel jealous and spend time with other people? Yes, for sure. Which I think means a lot of PDAers get misdiagnosed with BPD, which I wasn't. But I know a lot of people were. Is it just because we have that kind of tunnel vision mind and we get super into our interests and super focused on doing one thing? It's like, oh, we're super focused on one person. I don't know. Is it got anything to do with feeling rejected for a lot of our lives maybe as well, like at school and things like that? So then when we find somebody who we like and we get on with, it's like, oh, yeah, I'm going to stick with you kind of thing. Those feelings haven't really caused huge problems in my life. I've been able to manage it, but they definitely are there. I think people just kind of become my safety and then I want to be around them because I want to feel safe. Do you make up new words sometimes for things or people or deliberately mispronounce words? Is this kind of like a way of subverting the demand to say things properly? Yes, I have definitely made up words as a child, particularly. I'm going to say yeah. I don't know if this counts as like mispronouncing names for things or people, but I call my mom by her first name. I call my dad by his first name. It makes me cringe. The idea of saying mom or dad these days, I'm like, I just don't like saying people's names in general. I just don't. I don't mind saying my husband's name so much. I suppose I'd probably usually say like my love or something like that. I think I'd only use if I was trying to call him from another room. I don't know, but I totally get the whole thing of like wanting to say things stupidly and where you're not supposed to and it kind of feeling like a little like act of rebellion kind of thing. And I've noticed other family members do this as well in a similar way to how I do. Instead of saying happy Christmas or Merry Christmas, you'll find a way to kind of say it stupidly. Say like Merry New Year or have a friend who has a birthday very close to Christmas. So every year I message them and say Merry Birthday and I'm like, oh, what a funny person I am, you know? Yes. Very hilarious. Are you prone to hyper slash silly behavior? Am I prone to it? I'm quite a serious, intense person who also likes to move a lot. So many contradictions. Yeah, I play with my husband when I'm very comfortable with people. Yes. When I'm in social situations, I'm in a straitjacket with a smile on my face. I mean, that's probably a simplification of how I'm in social situations. It depends. But generally, if I had to sum it up, that would be how it feels to me at least. Sometimes apparently I come across fine and I just feel like I didn't. Yes, I would. I would say so. Me and my husband like sing and dance around and do loads of stupid things. I probably don't even realize some of the stupid things I do in front of him because I just feel so comfortable, which I'm so, so lucky to have that. And I do recognize how lucky I am to have that. As a child, when I watch back my home videos, I'm like ADHD, ADHD, it's just, oh, I think I was a bit much because my parents would want to go on these holidays where we do like long walks around the Lake District and they would want to be thoughtful and be in their head. And I would want to be like bouncing around and like I'd pick up leaves off the floor and flap them, telling stories about fairies living there and stuff. And then I'd get the video camera and I'd start trying to interview them and they'd be like, Meg, I've had enough of this now. They don't like being on camera very much, so they were like, no, can you, can you stop? So if you see this used to be, what was it used to be? Stable. Wait a second, say it again please. Stable. Say it again nice and clearly. It used to be a stable. Good. But again, that was where I was, I was super comfortable. I would say yes, yes. I think so. I don't always get things done straight away, but some of the time, yes. I don't know whether that's a common PDA answer, but I feel like, oh yes, let's destroy it. Let's get it done. Let's get it ticked off. And then that gives me like this lovely little feeling of relief. It's very fleeting because you'll feel all the other things you have to do coming for you. But just for a second, it's like peace. Just a moment of peace, like, relief. I will sometimes forget things as well if I don't do them straight away, so that's also helpful for that reason. Do you need to be able to choose for yourself? Yes. That's just a yes. Blanket? Any area of my life? Yes. Does lack of choice make you feel out of control, panicky? Yes. I don't know what to say. You can use any example of anything I do at any moment of my life and the answer would be yes. Do you like to do the same thing over and over until it becomes boring and then move on to something new? Yes, generally. I tend to completely burn myself out on my interests. So I'll start doing something. I will do it to death until I can't function anymore and then I will stop, which I'm hopefully not going to do with this channel. You're probably all like, oh my god, she's going to be gone by the end of the year. No, hopefully not. If I, you know, I'm careful and kind of pace myself and ask other people for help when I need it and whatever. Hopefully not. Hopefully I can stay here. I mean, I have been running the same business for eight years, nearly eight years now, but I run it with my husband, so it's not all just me. I mean, it is me doing the majority of the things, but just knowing that he's there, just knowing that he's there and he can do some of the things and it isn't actually all on me makes it easier for me to do things. Even if I'm doing the majority of the work, it feels like someone else is carrying the weight with me. And that is a huge tip for PDAs, I would say, you can get help. I've read something on the PDA society, which was like a demand shared is a demand halved 100%. There are ways I can try and manage the becoming completely burnt out and not being able to do something, but I certainly don't think I could ever do the same thing every day for the rest of my life. I think it's the impulsivity side of things. I've seen other people say like, is PDA just ADHD and autism? I don't know. I do have a diagnosis of ADHD and autism. I don't know. That's something maybe I should, I should look into and see if there's any research about that. Impulsivity can help with demand avoidance as well. We need novelty, but then also we need sameness, but then also we need control, but then also this is really complicated. How are we supposed to exist? Do you feel anxious slash panicky if someone doesn't follow your instructions correctly or when they do it from the start? Yes, 100%. And I think I kind of can drive people a bit insane. I'm not trying to be mean. It's just like, I feel like, but that is the right way to do things. And you didn't follow the right way to do things. And like, I can't hold my tongue. I can't not comment on something like if some, my husband makes the bed and he does one thing the way I would not like it to be done. I would just really struggle to be like, oh, thank you so much for making the bed. I might still say, thank you so much. It doesn't mean that you did it, but sometimes I'll be able to hold my tongue for maybe like a few minutes and then I'll be like, but you didn't do this. It makes you a pain in the bum. Sometimes I will admit, I don't think I would want to live with me sometimes. 29. Do you like making changes in certain environments, such as rearranging furniture in your home? Yeah, I like when things are new, the novelty, I suppose so. Interior decorating is not usually a preferred task, so my house is pretty like, meh. I like it when things have moved around and like new and fresh, it's like, ah, it feels quite nice. Yeah, I enjoyed that. If I get to choose where things go, I wouldn't like it if someone else just came in and started moving around furniture, but it's do you like making changes? So yes. Are you able to cope with waiting for things? I'm going to say no. I suppose I have to sometimes, everybody does. Just generally would call myself a very impatient person, which is one of the most frustrating things about me, I would say. 31. As a child, did you dislike being made to stand out, even if it was intended to make things easier for you? Did I dislike being made to stand out? I don't know. I don't know what my answer is to this one. Depends on the context of what it was. I sometimes was made to stand out because of my interests. I had some really great teachers who saw like how much I struggled with certain things and they would be like, oh, why don't you do a presentation for the class on this topic that you're really interested in? And I quite enjoyed that public speaking. That didn't feel like a social interaction to me. I know exactly what my role is in that situation. I'm in control. I'm speaking. 32. Then, when I'm asked to do something that I enjoy by a teacher, they're allowing me to like show what I can do. And when I found it difficult to express myself to my peers, that kind of helped me. And people would sometimes look at me in a more positive way after those things and they'd come up to me and give me compliments for what I'd done and these were people who usually didn't have anything good to say to me. But yeah, so I suppose that was intended to make things easier for me. So do I say no? You made to stand out. I mean, if it'd been in kind of like a way of like, oh, Meg is autistic and you all need to be nice to her kind of thing. But to say I'd been diagnosed at that point in time, I don't know how I would have felt about that so much. I have quite a lot of pride, so I'm not sure how I would have felt about that, to be honest. I'm going to say no, because I don't think it's the biggest thing. Do you dislike being criticized by a group of others? Yes, unfortunately. And I really identify with Holden from The Catcher in the Rye. I'm sorry. I know a lot of people don't like him. I haven't read it for a few years. Every time I have read it, I think, have I read it twice or three times? Every time I have read it, I'm like, yes, this is so, feels like me. And everybody says he's a hypocrite. That's like one of the things that people dislike about him so much. He says everyone lies and then he lies. So yeah, it is. It is pretty hypocritical. I try my best to be better with criticism. I think I realized with criticism, sometimes I will initially have a reaction that I can't help, that I can't control. And then I need to take a few minutes, take a deep breath, not say anything. And then maybe like a day later or longer, depending on what it is, I can then maybe see what the person was saying. And I understand that criticism can be valuable. I think, yeah, it makes me panic. It makes me worried. I want to be perfect all the time, which is impossible. And I'm starting to learn that as I get older. So I think it is something that you can, can get better at, but generally, yes, I hold myself to a very high standard and I tend to apply the same thing to the people closest to me. So I can be quite critical. And often I think that is projection. I feel like I've not done something well enough, so then I like criticize other people. Number 33. Do you feel everyone should follow the rules all the time, even though you find it difficult to follow them yourself? Yes. Which is ridiculous. Welcome to me. I mean, although if I felt like there was some stupid thing that my husband had to do for university and I thought the rule was stupid, I'd be like, oh, do you really have to do that? So I'm not sure. Like all the time. Do I just feel like everyone should follow my rules all the time? Oh, what a joy I am. I don't know. I'd say yes. I feel like that does describe me to some extent. I want everybody to do things properly and deliver on their promises and all that kind of stuff. Number 34. Do you question rules, regulations, laws? Yeah. And like they say, immediately your first reaction is often to be like, you're wrong. And then you have to kind of like take a deep breath and try not to be so black and white about things and be like, no, maybe it's not. Maybe it's just your brain. Number 35. Have you ever been described as being manipulative? I can't remember a time when I've ever been described as manipulative and nobody in my life says they would describe me as manipulative. I think they would agree with the whole PDA concept of me being somebody who has an anxiety driven need to remain in control so can sometimes feel like I need things to be done properly in a certain way in order to feel okay and to manage the emotions I feel about the chaos of life. The complete chaos. No, I don't think I have ever been described as being manipulative, which is nice. But yes, I can totally see why a PDA could be described as being manipulative and I'm sure many other PDAs have experienced that. Do you cancel plans at the last minute? So I definitely have done this at some point in my life. There will always be times when you're ill, whatever. I want to say no. I don't think I do as much as other people do. People cancel plans all the time now and it infuriates me because I feel like sometimes my whole week has been in my head like, you're seeing this person on this day at this time and it can cause me stress. So I know what that feels like from that side so I try not to do it. I try to just say no initially if I feel like it's something I'm not going to want to do which I'm trying to get better at. I think knowing that I'm autistic has helped me to get better at that. I think sometimes it was part of masking that I needed to be agreeable and say yes to things and I'm now learning like, maybe that isn't actually what you want to do and maybe don't do that. Number 37. Are you non-competitive so that you don't mind losing slash coming last? I would say yes. I don't think I am super competitive in general. My husband sometimes laughs at how not competitive I am. I think to me sometimes competition gives me like a freeze response. It freaks me out. It sends me into fight or flight and I just want to curl up on a ball on the floor and be like, no I don't mind. Everyone else can do it. I don't know. I don't want to be involved. I find it scary. Intense. I did get quite competitive with grades and doing well in school but that was quietly in the background and that was kind of a control thing like getting good grades for me gave me a sense of control. I'm trying to get every single question right and learn every single one of these facts and whatever. Number 38. Have you ever been described as controlling? Yes. I would say so. Probably more often selfish, I would say, which I don't think would come as a surprise to too many autistic or PDA people. I think just managing yourself takes a lot of effort and a lot of self-focus. Your brain can get stuck on things, you can get quite obsessive about certain things that you need to do and then you're spending a lot of time on doing those things and then it can make you seem selfish and also needing things to be done in a certain way in order to calm your own anxiety. You can see how that would make you appear selfish as well. Number 39. Do you daydream rich imaginative words? Yes. Definitely. I always have done from a child. Very much. I think sometimes that can be escapism. I would often stim, flap my hands, run around on my toes and think about things. My play always took place in my head. I didn't move my toys around physically with my hands. I flapped my hands and I imagined my toys doing things in my head instead. Number 40. Have you used roleplay slash pretend play to cope with tasks or social situations? Yeah, for sure. I used to, on the playground, I would just sometimes walk around on my own and just imagine the other people on the playground and stories in my head and that would be how I would get through that and kind of escapism, I suppose, from the reality of a situation that I couldn't cope with because I didn't know how to socialise with the people on the playground as a young child. Number 41. Has the thought of a task caused you so much anxiety that it's felt impossible to even start it? Yeah, for sure. And the longer I leave something, the worse it gets. And there have been times where I just don't, I just stop doing something. Many times where I just know I can't do it and I don't do it. And I leave that situation. Number 42. Are you unable to tell lies even if you want to delay or avoid things? I would say I'm truthful to a fault. So I want to say yes. There are times where it's like, you should probably just hold your tongue. Like I say about criticising when someone's done something where I can see all of it's great and it's wonderful and most people would just be like, thank you and I'm like, thank you and then have to like blurt out the truth but otherwise I feel like it kind of eats me up inside and I kind of have to, I feel like a compulsion to tell people how I really feel about things, which I am learning as I get older, maybe it's not always the best thing to do. I don't do it with people I don't know very well. Even when somebody asks me how are you, for me to say I'm fine, I'm okay if I don't really feel like that, it feels like lying. And I do often do it because I know it's what I'm supposed to do, but it does feel like a lie. It doesn't feel comfortable to me. It makes me feel a bit funny in my stomach, you know? Number 43. Do you feel constrained by social expectations such as having to say please, thank you or having to smile? Yes, for sure. That's another reason why I don't like the whole like, hi, how are you thing and then I'm supposed to say hi, how are you, blah, blah, back and that whole interaction. I'm just like, I don't want to. And I've noticed it with other family members of mine, like, slightly bemused expression when they go through the routine of having to say goodbye and you're like, mm, this is the part where we have to do this! Do you struggle to admit it if someone tells you they think you've done something wrong? I want to say yes. I feel like a lot of people do, it's not just the PDA, let's not come down too harshly on the PDA. Though at the same time I would initially have a reaction to it if someone said that but I feel like I am quite good at apologizing. I do try my best to be as self-aware as possible. How self-aware someone can ever truly be I'm not sure but I try my best. People's criticism will usually stay with me and so even though initially I might have a reaction of like no I do tend to think about it and oftentimes may realize that actually they're right and then it will stick with me and I may very well like I end up acting on the criticism and trying to improve that area that they've criticized because of it. Number 45 do you feel unable to control your reactions to things emotionally and physically? Yes I would say so. Yes my initial reactions yeah for sure. I really wish that I could change that about myself for sure. It gets better as I get older. Number 46 do you use charm to help with social negotiations? Charm? Do I have charm? I feel like this comes from the fact that PDAers can be quite good with words and we can be seen as quite charming and quite charismatic in some situations. I'd say yeah in some situations yes. In general do I think I'm a charming and charismatic person? Not particularly. I think often I can come across quite well in situations like job interviews where I know very well how I'm expected to perform. I mask a lot, I'm smiley smiley. I spent a lot of my life I think trying to be very feminine and pleasant. I feel like there are times for PDAers where we can use our words to rationalize why we maybe need to change a situation or leave a situation and come up with a reason that makes a lot of sense and articulate it very well when actually it's more just because of our fight or flight response but you know we're quite good at making it seem more rational than maybe it is. Yeah I would probably agree with that one. Feels like I'm saying oh I'm such a charming individual which I don't feel like I am at all. I feel like an awkward heap of dung. I don't know, dung? 47. Do you feel drawn to people but find them irritating? Again my instinct is to say yes. The people close to me like my husband, do I find him? I don't find it irritating most of the time when he whistles he's very very irritating. I like socializing. I find people stimulating, interesting, meeting new people. There can be a sense of novelty. I don't mind that but then I also need my own space and I need my own recovery time and also people can be quite exhausting. They're quite unpredictable. You can't control other people. It's impossible. So I think yeah there's a lot of reasons why socializing can be kind of difficult for a PDA and why we might prefer to be on our own even though we do like people. I don't not like people. I think maybe there was a time in my late teens where probably a lot of people feel quite misanthropic but you know I feel like I'm over that. Number 48. Do you feel angry or annoyed if a task requires more time or energy than you expect it? Yes. I always have this sense of I'm running out of time like not having enough time and this kind of sense of urgency. Sometimes it's not always rational. You have time it's fine. It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I'd also say I'm quite time blind so I can feel like something's taking me ages and you actually have no concept of how much time has actually passed and sometimes I time tasks and I'm like if I had not timed that I would have thought it was at least an hour and it's been 10 minutes. Number 49. Do you tend not to tell other people when starting a new project because others knowing makes it harder for you to complete it? Yes 100 percent. When I do writing I hate telling anybody anything about my writing project yet only people watching me. There are a handful of people who know about this channel. Most people don't and I love that and I know at some point they probably will know about it but right now I love it. It gives me such a sense of freedom and like I don't have to feel like anybody is watching me. Again that whole performance anxiety element of it. I'm free. I'm free to be whoever I want to be, to be myself. I don't have to feel like I'm editing my behaviour because I know somebody is going to be watching me. I prefer people to know less about what I'm doing until I feel like it's just right and then I can reveal it to people. Number 50. Do you feel a need to control your environment often to ensure things go as you prefer them to? Yes for sure and I think that's a big reason. I love being self-employed, being at home in my own space that I can make to be however I want it to be. Apparently a score of 0 to 10 indicates indicates indicates very unlikely to be PDA. 11 to 20 unlikely to be PDA. 21 to 30 possible PDA. 31 to 40 indicates likely to be PDA and 41 to 50 indicates very likely to be PDA. So then the next page would be the autism questions and there's 40 questions which again are yes no which are taken from the ASPE quiz. So I'm not going to answer those ones but you know already I have an autism diagnosis so assume I got some sort of a score. View score. I scored 43. 41 to 50 indicates very likely to be PDA. Cool. I'd be interested to see some of the questions like what was the PDA answer. Some of them I actually didn't know. There we are. PDA. Let me know what score you got. Obviously this isn't a diagnostic tool but it was put together by some lovely PDA'ers and it's interesting. Maybe gets you thinking about PDA stuff and little stories from your own life. If you haven't already watch my previous video about traits of PDA. If you like this one you'll probably find that one interesting and useful. Talk a little bit about whether you should try and pursue a diagnosis of PDA and kind of how that works and also a few tips at the end for like kind of how I cope with PDA but I will definitely make a separate video about that at some point soon. Thank you so much for watching and have a lovely day if you want to.