Become Who You're Afraid To Be - Jordan Peterson

If you want to know something about yourself, sit on your bed one night and say to yourself, you've got to mean this, like you've got to be desperate. This is no game, this. It's like, my life is not everything I want it to be, and perhaps it's not everything that I need it to be. And by need, I mean my life is so unbearable that the suffering that's attendant upon that makes me nihilistic, cynical, bitter, resentful, homicidal, genocidal, unable to have a good relationship, prone to punish people for their virtues because of my jealousy, driving the proclivity to see evil everywhere except within my own heart. Like, these are problems, man. And you ask yourself, you sit on the bed and say, okay, man, I'm ready to learn something. Like, what's one thing I'm doing wrong that I know I'm doing wrong that I could fix that I would fix? It's like, you meditate on that, you'll get an answer. And it won't be one you want, but it'll be the necessary one. You know, and it's often something that will point you to small things. So Carl Jung said, people in the modern world don't see God because they don't look low enough. And so imagine you're in your messy bedroom, you know, and you're sitting on the edge of the bed trying to have an honest dialogue with yourself. And the little voice says, you know, it's pretty disgusting in here. And you think, well, I'm way above such trivial niceties as organizing my room. Well, that's pride. That's arrogance. If you're above organizing what's actually yours, how in the world are you ever going to organize anything else? And so you get on your knees and you think, well, it's time to, you know, take a brush to the toilet. And maybe that's where you start. And so, and that works like that works. You start making those micro improvements, like real micro improvements, real on the ground, actual micro improvements to things you know that are wrong. You'll improve unbelievably rapidly. The way you pay for your privilege is with your virtue. I mean that most particularly, you have these opportunities and this existential guilt, and the way you expiate that and atone is by doing your best to live the best possible life you can manage to speak the truth, to treat people with respect, to abide by the principles of the dignity of the individual, and to put your house in order. And that's how you pay for your honor and privilege. All of us, and we all have our privileges and our, and our curses. All of us have them. That's why it's not useful to be envious of people. You know, you see some, you're a young man, you see someone drive by in a Ferrari with a blonde and you think, my God, he's got everything. And you know, the woman in the car is a prostitute who's got a cocaine addiction and her life is just one catastrophe after another. And he's had to lie and cheat his way into this position. And he's afraid that everything's going to come crashing down on him. And that's what you're jealous of. And it's just not that profound. You don't want someone else's fate. Man, your fate's enough and your adventure's enough. It's plenty. It's more than you can ever fully realize. And so that's also part of the reason that we all believe that the individual has some intrinsic dignity. It's don't be so sure that your position and your room is so damn trivial. Might be your attitude towards the distributor. And if you're in dire straits and dire circumstances, just look at how much opportunity you have to make things better. So not that it's easy. You don't even want it to be easy. So make a plan, man. So when I was doing my clinical work, which I did a lot of career work with my clients, both at a beginner level, I would say, like really a beginner level with people who had no employment whatsoever, no history of employment, who were undereducated and who lacked every skill you could possibly imagine. These are people who were really in dire straits, up to people who were operating at the top of their profession, but who could still strategize forward. And so, for example, let's say you're at a dead end in your job. Okay, so I don't find my work meaningful. All right. So that's a problem statement. It's like, well, why not? I find the work I do repetitive and boring and without spirit. I have a bad relationship or a neutral relationship with my boss who doesn't know who I am. I have problems with co-workers. All of that needs to be differentiated, right, and analyzed in detail. So we might say, for example, let's say you believe that you're undervalued at work. And maybe you are. What you need to do is you have something to say. And we would have to figure out what it is that you have to say. But it would be some variant of, I'm bringing more value to the table than I'm being compensated for. And that's demoralizing me. And it's also not good for you, you being my boss, because if I'm actually more valuable than is being recognized, then the fact that you're not valuing me properly means that I will become demoralized, I won't work properly, and you won't get the best out of me. So it's bad for both of us. And if your boss is in principle not amenable to such a discussion, then what you should seriously consider doing is finding another job. Okay, so let's say we're going to set you up for this. Okay, this isn't like next week's Enterprise, man. This is your life. So the first thing I would ask is, well, do you have your resume or CV in order? Well, I haven't typed it up for three years. Well, what do you think about bringing it up? Well, I'm pretty nervous about that because there's some holes in it. And, you know, I didn't do so well in college, and I'm kind of embarrassed about my resume. Okay, bring it in. Let's go through it. Let's at least update it. Let's look where the holes are. Let's look at where the inadequacies are, as far as you're concerned, right? This isn't my judgment. It's your judgment. Let's walk through those judgments and see if they're warranted, because maybe you're just too guilty and ashamed and self-conscious and anxious, and you're looking at your resume more critically than someone else would. And maybe there's some holes that you need to rectify. You know, you were two courses away from your BA and you dropped out or something like that. Well, maybe we need six months to address that. And at least, even if you can't be fully educated, you could be taking some courses online. And so, when you went to a new job interview and they said, what about this hole? You'd say, well, I came to terms with that six months ago, and in an effort to rectify it, I'm taking the following courses, and here's my plan for completion. That's a really good answer. And anyone with any sense who's interviewing will accept that as an indication that, although you're not perfect, and who is, that you have a good plan and that you've thought it through. Like, that's the kind of answer that, in all likelihood, will cement your candidacy for the position. Okay, so now you're going to go to your boss. Well, you have to have your CV and your resume in order, and you have to be able to stand on it solidly, and which at least means that you're prepared to address the inadequacies in a credible, realistic, believable, and truthful manner. All right, now what you do is apply for, like, 10 jobs. You don't have to take them, but maybe you have to go to an interview, or two, or three, or four, and maybe there's a bunch of opportunities out there for you that you didn't even know about, and maybe someone offers you a job. And so now, now you can go to your boss and say, here's the situation I'm in here at work. Here's my evaluation of the problems in relationship to me. Here's what I could do for you if you gave me a 40% raise and the opportunity to progress, but I'd like to see a plan for that. And I've been looking for other opportunities before conducting this discussion, and I have some. Well then, if your boss treats you with contempt at that point and doesn't listen, then perhaps he or she is a little more narcissistic than might be optimal, and it's time to find a new job. But this isn't something you do trivially, and so when you're doubtful, say you're trapped, you ask yourself, well, why am I trapped? That's a hard question, right? Because some of it's your own inadequacy, a lot of it, and all of the part of it that you can deal with is your own inadequacy. So even if it's unfair, you know, even if you're hemmed in for any number of reasons, inappropriate, like, ethnically predicated oppression, let's say, or maybe you're in a workplace that really is sexist in some fundamental sense. Well, that's not good, it's not just, it's not fair, it's not meritorious, all of those things. Then maybe you shouldn't be there, but what you can do to begin with is every bloody thing you possibly can do to put yourself in the most virtuous and powerful negotiating position possible. And you have to think like a snake in some sense to do that. You've got to get the details right, you have to be prepared to bite, and you have to have your eyes on the prize, so to speak. And people aren't taught this sort of thing ever, really. They're not taught how to negotiate, they're not taught how to goal set, they're not taught how to conceptualize appropriate success in some broad sense. In some sense, that's what the humanities are supposed to teach people, so.