Therapist Gives 6 Tips to Support Your Depressed Friends

If you've said this, please don't go on a shame spiral, please know we only do better when we know better and this is just an opportunity for you to learn about this and then put that into practice. Okay, hi everybody, thanks for coming back if you've been here before or hi, welcome if you're new. My name is Miki, I'm a therapist and we talk about therapisty things on this channel. Today we are talking about six ways that you can support your depressed friends because I think not a lot of people talk about this and sometimes it's like overwhelming and confusing to try to support your like friend, partner, loved one, child, even if you're a parent, I highly recommend and I think there's like a lot of useful advice that can be given in this area so I want to talk about it from an evidence-based perspective. As always, the content on this channel is intended to be for educational and entertainment purposes only. This is not therapy, never has been therapy, never will be therapy, it's not that. So if you need a therapist, links in the description to go find one for yourself, but this channel is not that. Before we get into it, I want to be, or I just really quickly want to address, my voice might sound different than it normally does, I had my tonsils removed so everyone keeps telling me my voice sounds different, sorry if it does, I'm working through it. But that said, let's get into the things. Thing number one, do some research on your own time. A lot of times the tendency when we have a loved one, a friend, what have you, who is depressed or like going through it, we say the thing, like let me know if you need anything, I'm here to support you, or like how can I best support you? And this comes from a good place, right? This is not inherently a bad question to ask, so if you've asked this, please don't feel guilty, please don't feel bad, you're a good friend or family member or loved one for wanting to support them. However, sometimes when you're the depressed person, it can feel really overwhelming when people ask you this, because like, I don't know, you know, especially when we are deep in this ----, it's hard to know specifically what we need, and it can also feel very difficult to advocate for ourselves. Usually there's a lot of guilt and shame about being a depressed person, and so sometimes the self-talk is like, I could never actually ask this person for anything else other than like liking me or being my friend, because like, that's just really all too much. There usually is just a lot of negative self-talk about ourselves, and so it can be really difficult to like make that phone call or send that text message, so do some research on your own time about how you can support depressed people, like watching this video, and also sometimes just jumping in there to say like, hey, I'm bringing you dinner on this day, what would you like? Or, these are your two choices for these things, which one would you prefer? That can be a useful tip, I guess, or like useful activity, so really embrace that energy of like not leaving all of the decision-making up to the depressed person all the time about how you help them. Still be mindful of boundaries though, that's very important. Thing number two, practice non-judgmentalism. In the therapy world, we call this the weather affect, it's a part of our training when we go to school to be a therapist, we learn how to take in information about trauma or someone's mental illness, and practice this affect as if we're just talking about the weather. The reason for this is because sometimes when someone is telling us about like their deepest, darkest secrets or thoughts or fears, or about something traumatizing that happened, we have the tendency to like react, because it's hard to hear, you know, especially if they're someone that you love, like if it's your child, if it's your partner, it can be hard to hear that stuff. But practicing that non-judgmentalism is very key, because the thing that we want to avoid above all is stigmatizing their experience, and so sometimes this can close the doors for communication, because if I tell you this, you know, disturbing intrusive thought that I had the other day and you recoil, I'm going to feel a lot of shame about it, and so I'm going to think twice about telling you that next time, and it's not that you're doing anything wrong, it is really hard and it is really scary to hear deep and dark intrusive thoughts, but practicing that and being mindful of our own reactions is a really useful skill. This also goes along with witnessing the symptoms of depression, it's very normal for depressed people to have a hard time with hygiene, or with being on time, or you know, getting out of bed, or being productive, practicing this non-judgmentalism about how those symptoms are showing up is very, very important, because above all else we want to prioritize being supportive, being compassionate, and having empathy, and not judging the way that someone is showing up authentically, especially if they're allowing you to see that about them, they probably trust you a fair amount, and so be mindful of that. Which one? Thing number three, help hold them accountable to their goals, but in a gentle way. Usually I recommend or like encourage folks to practice creating shared goals, particularly if the person is your partner, or your child, or like someone that you live with, that you're very, very close with, crafting shared goals is really useful, especially if like the reward at the end of completing that goal is a moment of connection, so like for example, a depressed person is having a hard time waking up at the time they want to, getting dressed, doing their normal hygiene routine, etc., etc., creating this shared goal of like on Saturday we're going to wake up by this time, we're going to go take a walk together, we're going to go to brunch together, we're going to go **** around at Target together, creating that shared goal can be helpful, because you're helping to hold them accountable for something that ultimately is a supportive factor for their mental health, but you're not doing it in a stigmatizing way, you're not doing it in a shamey way, as a pro tip, it's helpful to build in some buffer time there also, but also it's helpful because at the end of this you get this really wonderful shared experience where you guys are feeling connected, you're getting some quality time, it's not based around the idea of like being productive enough or being like good enough, it's simply doing something for the sake of it feeling good, for the sake of it being connecting and fun, so helping to hold them accountable to those goals is a useful thing, but again, I want to encourage folks, practice some empathy and compassion here, and especially practice the like room for flexibility with this one. Okay, thing number four is actually something to avoid, absolutely positively avoid any iteration of, well if you would just get up off the couch you wouldn't be so depressed, or if you would just exercise you wouldn't feel so depressed, or if you would just, don't, remove that phrase from your vocabulary, because what we know about depression is that it is not something that we can will away, or that we can force away by going to the gym enough times, or by waking up at a certain time, or being productive enough, or being busy enough, especially the rhetoric that like if you just don't have time to be depressed you won't be depressed, wrong, that's not true, that's not how it works, and it's also decidedly unhelpful, because the people in your life that you love, if they're experiencing depression, odds are they're not super jazzed about it, they're probably not choosing to be depressed because it's just like a rip roaring time, being depressed ******* sucks, and so telling someone if you would just, then you could make this go away, is super unhelpful, and it's also like the most obvious advice, if someone could will it away I think they probably would have by now, and so I very much want to encourage folks to honor that depression is a very real and valid mental illness that doesn't have a simple one size fits all answer, not as simple as like putting puzzle pieces together and like bingo bongo you fixed it, avoiding that phrase and really practicing the empathy here, to try and put yourself in someone's shoes is incredibly key, that said I know a lot of people do say this and use this rhetoric, I want to be super clear, you're not a terrible human on the inside for having said this or thought this, it's a very common misconception because our society doesn't educate people properly about mental illness and so if you've said this please don't go on a shame spiral, please know we only do better when we know better and this is just an opportunity for you to learn about this and then put that into practice, so be kind to yourself, we're all learning and evolving all the time, that's okay, but it is important for us when we do know better to do better. Thing number five, practice communicating that you are here to support this person, your loved one, your friend, whatever, you're here to support them because you love them, not because their healing is a conditional part of you loving them. A lot of times when we're depressed we can feel like if I don't get better I'm ruining people's lives or you know this person is only willing to support me for X amount of time and I have to get it together, right, that can feel very suffocating and so really verbalizing as this support person in this scenario that I love you and I want you to get better because verbalizing that I love you and I want you to get better because you deserve to be happy, not because I will only love you once you're healed, can be really healing and validating to hear. Again, usually when a person is depressed there's a lot of negative self-talk going on and a lot of doubt about the love and compassion we're receiving from others, especially feeling like we don't deserve that and so continuing to really drive this message home that you deserve to be like quote-unquote healed from your depression for your own self and not for me, not because I as a support person won't love you if you're not healed, can feel really nice and it's also something that not a lot of people say so I think that's a helpful thing to incorporate and especially to incorporate that on a regular basis. Thing number six is work for us to be doing for our own selves, set your own healthy boundaries. Loved ones who are depressed are very much worthy of love and belonging and support and empathy and respect and all of the things and so are you. Boundaries are a really integral part of being an effective caregiver for someone because if we're giving and giving and giving and not honoring our own needs we can get burnt out really fast and that's not fun for you first of all but also hopeful for the person that you're trying to support. I know that it's like the world's most embarrassing cliche be like we can't pour from an empty cup thing but it is true and I think it's also a very important part of having healthy relationships particularly if this person is your partner or a friend or roommate or you know sibling or what have you. It's very very important that we be able to set effective boundaries and saying I'm here to support you from afar today because I'm really busy or because I have this work project or because I'm feeling like ---- today and so there's just a limited amount of support that I can provide you with. This can be really hard to do and I know that it feels really scary but please know that it is human. It is morally neutral. It is very much allowed for you to have needs, for you to be a human, and for you to take care of yourself regardless of whether you're a primary support person for someone with depression or not. I think it's a really important learning process especially for those of us who are women or who are like socialized as women or like grow up with those like stereotypical female expectations that it's our job to be caregivers and to like give give give give give. That's toxic. That's harmful and also like the opposite of all the things that we know about effectively caring for our own mental health and well-being so practice setting your own boundaries and enforcing those boundaries in ways that are compassionate and kind. We have a whole last playlist about boundaries on this channel up here if you want to go watch that to learn how to set boundaries and what boundaries are blah blah blah go there but I do very much want to encourage people that being an effective support person also comes along with setting your own boundaries like it's a necessary part. You're not mean or rude. I promise. These are the six tips that I have for today. I'm happy to make a video with more of these if you guys want let me know but generally I think the key takeaway from today is to continue to be an impassionate impassionate empathic and compassionate person with limits with healthy boundaries and in prioritizing like growth and healing for you and for the person who is depressed. If you like this video like this video leave me a comment let me know what your guys's thoughts and feels are. I'm always open to hearing what you guys have to say. 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