The Postpartum Update | Healing From Postpartum Anxiety

Oof. Okay. I don't know how to start this video other than just to start and that is I wanted to give you guys an update on how I've been doing with my postpartum anxiety and just the craziness of becoming a mom this past year. I did a video I posted last June and this was a while ago. I will link to that below for you to check out, but I was just so emotional. I actually rewatched that video and I was like, wow, I was so emotional and just worried about so many things and I can confidently say that I've walked out of that fog. I just wanted to talk about postpartum anxiety specifically because I know that's exactly what I was dealing with and I didn't see a lot of videos here on YouTube that were talking about this and so at least I didn't see a lot of updated videos on this. So I wanted to post this one because if you found this video just by doing a quick Google search or YouTube search, you've come to the right spot. So I wanted to talk about exactly when and how I knew things weren't right. So I had my daughter March 16th, 2021 and she was five pounds, five ounces. She was eight days early, but she was really tiny, right? And so the hospital wanted to keep her longer in order to monitor her birth weight and she was completely fine in that regard. However, they did notice some clicking in her hips, which led us on this path to discovering she had severe hip dysplasia where the top of her legs were dislocated from her hip socket. And so we went through that whole journey. With those things and becoming a new mom and coming home for the first time with her, I cried a lot. Now after you have a baby, your hormones are recalibrating and everything is just so new and exhausting and overwhelming, but I just was crying a lot more than usual. Even after those baby blue weeks that went by, I was still crying a lot more often. Also, I had trouble falling asleep. I had what was called the evening dread where before I had a baby, I could easily fall asleep like eight o'clock. My husband and I are on the couch watching a movie and I'm the first one to fall asleep because that's just how easy I can go to sleep. When I had my daughter, I would dread going to bed because I had no idea how many times I was going to wake up, if I would be able to fall back asleep. If I did fall asleep, would I be able to hear her? And all of those anxieties kind of started bubbling up that it made it really hard to fall asleep. I also constantly worried about her. I worried about her sleep. I worried about her hip dysplasia. I worried about us being able to breastfeed. That was a big challenge. I just worried constantly all the time, which made me go down this path of belief that she was a glass slipper, that if I didn't treat her with the utmost care and preciousness that she would shatter. If she got too hot or cold, she might break, which newborns are fragile, but in the end they're little tiny humans that are going to get bumped and bruised and scraped and whatever else. And so it wasn't fair of me to treat her like that when she was already so strong and resilient. I also didn't want any visitors. And that's something that I had talked about in my first video update was that I had friends from Texas who wanted to come visit us and I didn't want them to come out here. I was actually kind of worried about my best friend coming out here because I was just so overwhelmed and tired and emotional that I was afraid it wasn't going to be a fun visit for her. And in all reality, your friends are going to love you no matter what and they are going to give you that support. But I felt like I just didn't want them around unless I was having a good day or Quinn was having a good day and then I would allow for visitors. But I found myself slipping. I would kind of go on this like, at first I thought I was getting better and then it would be like a bad day and another bad day. But then I felt like I had a good day. And so it was like kind of this up, down, up, down, down we go. And then I kind of fell into this deep, dark valley. And I do remember the day specifically because I just had, I snapped. Something in me was like, okay, I'm doing all the things, I'm going through the motions, but I need to get out of here. And so I called up my friend, I texted her and I was like, can I stop by real quick? And she was like, yeah. Which is kind of unusual for me to do like spontaneous things like this. And she opened up her door and just instantly started crying. And she just held me and was like, she didn't say anything. She just held me, which is exactly what I needed. And the very next day I knew I couldn't be alone. I called my sister, she came over and I made it my mission to see a doctor that day. And unfortunately our healthcare system, at least in my experience, has not prioritized postpartum women. I contacted my hospital to get an appointment and I wouldn't be seen until eight weeks later. Now, if you're telling that to somebody who is constantly dealing with anxiety or depression, you might as well tell them that's like eight years from now. And so I said, that's not good enough. I ended up finding a walk-in clinic at an inner city healthcare clinic. And they saw me within probably 30 minutes of waiting in their waiting room. And I will be forever thankful for that nurse who hugged me. It's gonna make me emotional, that nurse who just hugged me and told me like, it's okay, you just need to let it out. And for that PA who saw me, the physician's assistant who prescribed me, ended up prescribing me Zoloft, and man, that was a trip. That was such a trip. But I wanna talk about some of the things that have helped me heal from postpartum anxiety. Because if you are in the trenches right now, if you're, I literally call it the chapter in my life, Justine walks through fog. And that's literally what it felt like. So the Zoloft having that prescribed to me was hands down a game changer in how I was coping with my anxiety. And at first, it was a trip to get on. But then it started to kind of like get better and better. I felt kind of like I was walking in a haze. And then I went into zombies in mode where I didn't feel particularly like upbeat and excited. But I also didn't feel very sad. And I didn't really feel my emotions strongly. Something Kyle said I remember, I was like, huh, that would have really pissed me off back then. And I would have gotten really angry about that, but I'm not angry right now. It was something like that. So once I started leveling off on the Zoloft, probably took about two months to really heal myself again. I'm like, we're back, ladies and gents. The next thing that really helped me was a book called Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields. Oh my God, I devoured this book within like three days. It was so good. And I could definitely relate to her experience. So she talks in depth about her postpartum depression and how she was able to cope with that. I highly, highly recommend that book. I also started a meditation class and working with a meditation coach virtually. And that was so helpful because I realized that even though the anxiety was like, this is brand new, I actually realized that anxiety had played a role in my life a lot longer than I had ever paid attention to. I had no idea until I started doing this meditative work. I also went to Disneyland with my two best friends. I thought that this was just a great trip that I could do, girls trip, no baby. It was awesome. It was a great way for me to connect with my old self. Something that I really enjoy, Disney, doing it with two people that I love who are also just Disney fanatics was a great way to just kind of break that cycle of monotony of like being at home and doing my work routine and taking care of my daughter. It was just something nice to give myself a break. I also talked about this with everyone. I was very vocal about my postpartum anxiety because I wanted it to be known. Maybe there was somebody else who was struggling with it as well. Maybe there were some veteran moms that I could take cues from, but I think that really helped me. Also finding a mama tribe was huge. Having other women who have babies who are either close in age to my baby or also just finding other moms who understand and can remember that season of life. I also really valued how easy it was for me to be present with Quinn when I had things like my Love Every Toy subscription. Like that thing was a game changer for me because I was so caught up in my anxieties and fears. I'm like, oh yeah, we have to do activities with the baby. What do we do? And so this play kit subscription, it's Montessori-based play kits backed by research. They're just like beautifully designed toys that really helped me see like, okay, we can go through this play guide and this is what we're supposed to be focused on. And I didn't have to worry about trying to figure out activities to do with a newborn baby or with a five-month-old. What do we do? Love Every has you covered. In fact, if you guys are interested in those play kits, I will leave a link to sign up for one or put it on a baby registry. These make a great gift. I also wanna do a shout out to Balance After Baby. This Instagram account was and is phenomenal. This girl Chelsea has built up an incredible following on Instagram and she has posts that I so relate to. There is the post on evening dread. I was like, that is me. That is literally me. And so I saved it because it was just like, wow, I feel seen, I feel heard. I know that I'm not alone in this. I also, in regards to Quinn's hip dysplasia, which she has fully healed from, it's just been so nice. I think that also has helped me heal from postpartum anxiety, but I also made sure to ask the doctor questions for reassurance. And my therapist really helped me see this clearly. She was like, you have trust in doctors for yourself. Why don't you have that same trust for Quinn's doctors? Because I kept second guessing her orthopedic doctor. And I was like, oh ----, I feel called out. That's true. So then I'm like, what are some things that I can do to make sure that I have trust for her doctor? And that was organizing questions ahead of time. And if I came back from an appointment that I felt like less than about, I would make sure to contact the office again and say, hey, you know what? I feel like I didn't get all my questions answered. Can we revisit with the doctor? Yes, absolutely. We were able to do a tele-visit and it was amazing. She showed us the x-rays. She had time for us, helped us feel heard. And I just felt like that also helped ease my anxieties and that I had that reassurance that we were on the right path. Also, to be honest with you, finding the nanny has helped me with postpartum anxiety so much. Having childcare for my daughter with somebody whom I truly trust, value, and love, and have accepted as part of our family has been incredible. I mean, it's just so nice to have her here. She's so good at organizing. Her and I are like, yes. Can you help me organize this chest of drawers? Can you do this? Oh, Quinn needs this new routine switched up, or maybe she would benefit from this activity. Having someone like that in my corner has been phenomenal. Okay, so where do I go next? Where do I go next? Am I completely healed? Am I done? I think my journey on postpartum anxiety is coming to a close because I was at dinner last night with Kyle and I was like, I just feel like good. I feel settled. I feel settled in this new routine, but I feel like old stuff is still happening. Like old parts of me are still here, but then like, you know, Quinn is here and my daughter is here and it's incredible. So I think where I'm going next is I would really like to make it a goal to get off of the Zoloft somewhere in between Quinn's first birthday and the start of when I started taking Zoloft. So sometime this summer. I am loving this stage of life so much. I love this stage of life that Quinn is in. She is almost 10 months old now and I can honestly tell you, I love this stage so much better than newborn stage. People are like, newborns are so cute. All they do is just like lay there and that's true, but it was so hard. It was so hard and you're so sleep deprived and because I was battling so much mentally, it just, I felt like I did not have as an enjoyable experience as I thought I would. And that's okay. That's totally okay because you are going to get those experiences as you heal from your postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression. It will come back. And regardless of you were like me struggling and you saw you were just trying to survive or you're just like somewhere down the road of like, am I ever going to enjoy this baby? Yes, you will definitely enjoy your baby when they get older and they do incredible things and new things. It's just, it's so much fun. So I've rambled on enough. I just wanted to talk about my update with you here and feel like my journey is coming to a close. It's been nice to share this with you. And if you are struggling, please, please, please reach out to me. You can direct message me, DM me on Instagram at Debt Free Millennials. I'm happy to chat with anybody about this because it can be very isolating, but to know that there are other women who have gone out and done this and have made it through the other side of the fog is awesome. And shout outs to all of the supportive spouses out there. My husband has been an incredible source of support for me throughout this entire season. I can tell you I've made it on the other side. I love you guys.