ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME | THE TRUTH ON MY WEIGHT LOSS, MARRIAGE, FRIENDSHIPS, & £££ | Suzie Bonaldi

Hello everybody, welcome back to my channel. Today we are doing the assumptions about me video, which I am already feeling very nervous and overwhelmed by the amount of assumptions that you guys have put in my little box on Instagram. Thank you to everyone that like didn't go too hard on me, but some of you have really gone in. We have a lot to get through, so I am going to jump straight in. If you wanna hear me talk about some things that I have never talked about before, because I'm just gonna kind of like go in back at you, thank you for watching. Okay, let's ease us in. You love to move flats, house, and you feel the urge for a change, so you're doing a reno on your house. This, this is not the case. I would absolutely love to not have to do a big renovation to my house. It's one of the reasons why I didn't buy somewhere that I would completely have to gut and do all of that stuff, because I love project managing, but it's just, that is a lot. I wouldn't be choosing to do that if I wasn't in a situation where it was kind of necessary. Hopefully I will, at some point, kind of be able to go a bit more into depth, but without just like laying out my like life plan and lots of personal details. I definitely wouldn't do this if I didn't feel like it was necessary. I talked about this in a previous video, which I'll link up on the top of the screen, but basically the reason that I'm doing this renovation is because, or potentially doing this renovation, kind of looking, I've got an itch on my eyelid. Oh my God. The reason I'm looking into it is because Ryan and I would at some point like to live together. And yeah, this property is quite a good one for us both to live in together. It has much better potential for expanding the space. And we both work from home. We both need separate office spaces. It just makes sense. Like even down to where you could put a staircase in mine versus his. I'm not doing this because I'm bored, because that is a very, very expensive project to take on just because you're bored. We've got a lot of, your family is very wealthy. You come from like a middle-class posh family vibe kind of comments. This isn't something that I've talked about so much in the past on YouTube, just because I am always a bit cautious of like what information I divulge. And I never want to kind of insult anyone or I don't know. I just, I get very, very awkward talking about like personal things because when I talk about my upbringing, it's not just me that I'm talking about personally. Like that then brings my family into it. And that then becomes a little bit like, I'm like, oh, can I say that? Do I need to call my mom and be like, can I say this? I would say I come from like a working class background. I feel like there are different tiers within that. So we never really struggled growing up because both my parents worked full-time and they were literally like shifts in the night. Like one would work days, one would work evenings and they would like cross over. But my mom and dad, I didn't have like happy abundant upbringing. So that was the reason that things were the way that they were because they wanted to provide a childhood for me and my brother that they didn't have themselves. So things were comfortable because there was like a very intense kind of work ethic there. And we were able to afford to go on like a nice holiday every year, every summer. I could afford to have music lessons if I wanted to have music lessons. I could wear my trainers down without my mom like screaming at me because she didn't want to replace them. So just little things like that, we were comfortable growing up. But part of that was also due to where we lived. So the street that we lived on was kind of just like a okay street. One half of the street was like private properties and then the other half wasn't. And we were like the last house on that street that was like privately owned. And my parents were of that generation that managed to get like a 100% mortgage. So me and my brother were basically just very lucky that my parents worked as hard as they did. And it's why I work really hard because I just feel like it would be so wasteful for them to have put in that much effort for me to then not. Yeah, it makes me really anxious talking about it because I don't want to ever like offend anyone or have anyone think that I am trying to like really big things up or make things sound different how they were. I don't know. It makes me really awkward talking about classes and how you're brought up and whether you're wealthy because everyone's idea of wealth is very different. But anyway, I would say it was a good upbringing, nice and like balanced, a good work ethic instilled in me. But I'm not getting any inheritance and I'm not being given anything. Even down to the house I've had comments where people were like, did your parents help you? And there was just nothing. There has been no, zero financial aid. But yeah, no one's handing me money, sadly. You worry a lot. My God, I worry about everything. My brain will latch onto whatever it can find to worry about. You don't eat carbs. Oh my, that is not true. I love carbs. Pasta is like a main food group for me. Like I don't think I get through a day without eating some kind of pasta. You're a perfectionist and always have everything in order. Slight workaholic. I love you. Thanks. I would go as far to say nothing is ever really in order. Like my house looks tidy and I obviously like, you know, get ready in the morning but that is the most pulled together my life is. I would say it's like, you know when you see like a duck on water and they look cute and underneath they're like, that is me. Like my office is a state that filing is never done. I am not good at like any kind of organisation, admin. I think I have 172 emails today that I need to file and I have no intention of actually doing that. And my life is a little bit chaotic. Like I definitely annoy some of the more organised people in my life. Like I definitely annoy them because I'm just not. I've actually got worse through lockdown. Like I don't know what day it is. Some days now I forget like even routine things that happen every single week, like clockwork. I miss them because every day is quite literally the same. Even weekends, like there's no, nothing gets broken up. Yeah, I'm a little bit chaotic and a little bit messy but have real perfectionist tendencies that come through in my anxiety that I never really realised until I once started getting my nails done and started therapy. My nail technician actually clocked it first before I had a therapist. And she was like, you've got real perfectionist tendencies. And I was like, okay then. And then started seeing a therapist and she was like, yeah you've got real perfectionist tendencies. And then in terms of being a slight workaholic I would say when you run your own business I think you have to be a workaholic but compared to other people I know that do what I do I am not a workaholic. So maybe somewhere on the scale but I think it's in a balanced, healthy way. Your friends are important to you. You are loyal and you have a small and solid crew of friends. I just, all I read from this was so solid crew. What's wrong with me? My friends are very important to me. I am very loyal as long as other people repay the behaviour. And I'd say I have a like medium sized group of friends. Like my main group is like a group of six. I'm doing a lot of hand gestures today. I'm very nervous. I don't know if you're picking up on the nervous energy but doing videos like this do make me really nervous. Even Q and A's make me nervous but this is like a whole new level. So yeah, my main group is like a group of six. And then I have like a lot of other friends through different like past jobs and like work and things like that. So it's actually quite varied. I definitely have more friends than I could count on two hands. So I'll let you decide. Your tall or average height. I find it hard to picture your actual height. Literally just look at any time that either Ryan or Lauren film for me when they're holding the camera you can get a gauge of my actual height. Especially when Ryan films he'll do it from his actual eye level. And I'm literally like down here. I'm five foot two. You are new here and you didn't know that but I feel like I repeat it several times in every video to the point where someone recently asked me why I do that. And it's because it's literally my most asked question. You do anything for your friends and family and have a big heart. Now, what are we talking when we say anything? Because I actually don't know. Like I wouldn't share my olives with Ryan for the first like four months we were dating. So I'm gonna say that maybe I wouldn't. I'll let you judge me for that. Go for it. You love interacting with people. Sounds very formal, interacting with people. But low key prefer your own company. I am like, I hate to be this person. Well, I love actually, this is a lie. I love being this person. I'm like, I'm such a Libra but I genuinely am that level balanced where I just like both in equal amounts, like, but literally equal amounts. So if I am with someone for a solid nine hours, I probably want a solid nine hours on my own. Love people, but also love watching Gumball girls in my pants on my own. You still have potentially selling the house on your mind when decorating. I would say no, when like decorating, decorating, you know, like cosmetic decorating. But if we're talking about renovations, actually, you know what? I don't even know with this house anymore because we're just kind of playing it by ear. And I do think that this house is one that will hold its value slightly better. There's a certain aspect of it, which if you're a property nerd, you'll be able to like probably have picked it up already. But there's a certain small aspect of the house that, is it annoying that I don't say? I don't even know if I should say it. There's no rule book on the internet on what you can and can't say. But there's a certain aspect of the house which makes it a slight rarity when you come to sell. But anyway, because I know it will sell anyway, it's always going to be a good quality kitchen, bathroom, whatever. I'm actually not that worried about if I decide to change something. I don't actually think I will in terms of the bathroom. I'd have to be here a long time to probably redo the bathroom. The kitchen's one of those things where maybe if we redid it, I would probably do my dream kitchen because I don't know, I think it's a really good space to play with. I actually wouldn't be worried about selling it on because I don't think I'd do anything crazy anyway. So I will probably just do what I wanted to do and I wouldn't worry about resale because I think that whatever I would do, someone will probably like or tolerate. Let's say tolerate because actually everyone has completely different tastes. Some people probably hate my interior style and some people love it. You shop even more than we see on social media. I actually don't. I actually show you everything. Back in the day, I used to shop more than I showed you guys and then I was like, why am I doing this? Like, why am I not showing you everything? Even down to like the whole order, I would show you like a few select items and not show you the things that I didn't like and I didn't talk about why and stuff like that. And then I was like, actually, this is way more helpful if I show you everything. So yeah, there's no sneaky like orders that you guys don't see. You don't like your tattoos anymore now you've changed your style. I feel like there are a lot of people that put a lot more emphasis on my tattoos than I do. I understand like if you don't have them, like lots of people ask me really bizarre questions about them and it's always people that don't have them and I'm like, it's really not that big a deal. I honestly barely give them a thought. I don't even see that they're there. So it really doesn't bother me. I think maybe other people looking at me see them more than I see them. So I don't know, do they bug you guys? Do you think they're not in keeping? I mean, I can't do anything about it. But yeah, it doesn't even cross my mind that they don't match with my style. I think they match with me. To be honest, they feel like second skin, the majority. Like these little ones, they just, I don't even really see them. They're just kind of second skin. So they are a part of my body and a part of my skin. Like I wouldn't be like, oh, those moles I've got don't fit with my style because they're just a part of my skin and tattoos are exactly the same. You give hints to Ryan about ring emoji and then some sparkles. I actually don't, I actually don't. Like we talk about it as in like the other day, we were talking about a certain artist who's also managed by, was it his managers? Some connection, but we was talking about a certain artist and he was really cute. He was like, I can't wait for our wedding because I hope this guy is still managed by blah, blah, blah because then we might be able to have him play. And I was just like, oh. So we talk about it in that sense of, oh yeah, our wedding will be banging because it will have the best music, the best this, the best that. But we just don't really talk about it other than that. You're of Italian descent. I'm actually not. My, one of my grandmas got married like five times and the name got married in. So yeah, we just ended up with this last name. It's absolutely no relation to our family. Just actually very surprised that my dad didn't change our name back, but I'm kind of grateful for it because I think my name sounds like a princess name and I will take that. Sadly, I'm not secretly a princess. You're very decisive and you know what you want. I know what I want, but I'm not decisive in any way. Like I think my most used phrase apart from what scam is most likely, I don't know, what do you want to do? It takes me and Ryan about two days to decide on a dinner, honestly. You can easily control your emotions. I can't imagine you scream of anger at all. I'm going to say I can easily control my emotions. I'm going to disagree with the last part purely because I don't really, like that's not me now in the stage that I am at in my life. However, in a past relationship that was like a regular, like every other day we were screaming at each other kind of vibe, real bad, toxic vibes in hindsight. I sometimes think like, I wonder like on the flip side, does he look back and think, God, that was really toxic or is it just me that looks back and thinks, is that? Cause I say it a lot, but it's not the way to live your life. Like that is not a happy, healthy relationship. Yeah, I wouldn't say that it's completely out of the realm of possibilities for me to do that because I actually don't feel like I have that much control over my emotions. Like when I want to talk to someone about something important, I have to really gear myself up, think about what I want to say. I always treat it like how you would with a business if you were, and this is on advice from my therapist. She was like, you're really good at like business and you're very logical and rational and calm. She's like, you need to apply that to your personal life as well and how you handle things. So I really try and like do that. But if I'm in a situation where someone is just gonna like not be responsive, not listen, is going to push and fight or just be very generally argumentative and not in any way understanding that over a long period of time, I will lose it. Married, single word, just married. I haven't secretly got married. Don't worry, I'll let you all know. You know I love sharing a life event on here. I will let you know. Same with any, any life event. That clickbait title, it will be there. You're sensible when it comes to saving. Now define sensible because I feel like some people would say sensible is like every penny that is spare that is not like bills, food, the essentials, that should go into savings. And I can 100% hand on heart say that is definitely not what happens. But I do save up a lot of money clearly because I managed to buy this house myself. So yeah, I do save a lot of money and I like saving. I like seeing my savings going up and I get a little bit niggly if I don't see them going up as quickly as I'd like. But on the flip side, I also work hard and I do like to spend the money that I earn and have some fun along the way because otherwise there's just nothing, especially in this time, this very strange time where we're all, I know I am a bit money anxious, but then there's nothing else that's fun that's happening. There's nothing to look forward to. There does need to be that balance. So I would say I'm good at saving. There's definitely been less designer purchases on the whole when you look at it over a year. Don't look at like the past two months because I definitely bought two bags. But I've definitely swapped my like more luxury purchases and lots of like eating out, like beauty treatment, that kind of thing. I've definitely swapped it out for making more home purchases and still allowing myself to save. So I like balance. I like fun money, but I also like savings money. You buy too many clothes and end up wearing the same things. I actually don't. I do have a lot of clothes. Granted, I'm never gonna like, let's call a spade a spade. I would say 2019, I would wear a lot of rotation like the Zara leather trousers and the Zara bodies. And I do still wear the Zara bodies, especially like daily. But I would say I'm definitely better at wearing something different every single day. This dress is not a good example of that because I think I've actually worn it in like a couple of times already since purchasing it. I do tend to switch up what I'm wearing in my wardrobe every single day and doing like daily outfit, get ready with me reels on Instagram has definitely helped with that. I wear something different most days and everything feels really fresh. And it's quite like, I don't know, it's been really good for me mentally. We have the best dinner parties. I actually don't think I've ever thrown a dinner party. I don't actually think I'd be good at that because I'm not great. I don't like cooking. So I think I would find it more stressful than anything and stress me isn't as fun. So no, you're nicer than you look. How am I meant to take that? Do I look mean? Do I look mean on my Instagram? Maybe. I mean, I don't know because I don't know how I look to you. Like where is the scale? Do I look like I beat you up or do I look like Mother Teresa? Like I need to know to answer this question. You're really grounded and less interested in luxury fashion than other vloggers. I think it's lovely that someone would assume that I am very grounded. Is that a statement someone can agree or disagree with about themselves? I don't know. In terms of being interested in luxury items, I would say I'm very much interested in it, but in terms of what I'm willing to purchase from the luxury market, just in terms of like my finances, it's just not a priority of what I want to spend my money on. Like if I had to choose between that and like house improvements and things like that, I'd definitely pick the house improvements. Yeah, I think in terms of that, like the house just ranks above it. So I love luxury stuff, but it's just not my priority. You are very disciplined. Now, before COVID, I would have said absolutely 100% yes. Lockdown has ruined me in so many ways. I'm actually much less disciplined now. I find it much harder to be motivated in all aspects of my life. And I'm not really sure why that is. I think it's just, you know, when the vibes are low, it's harder to, you know, like have that like fire under your bum. But obviously I still get up and do everything and everything gets done still. I just feel a little bit lackluster sometimes. So when I'm feeling especially like that, my disciplinedness definitely dips, which is like a real catch 22 as well. Cause I think if I stuck to things really religiously, then it would make me better at being more disciplined in the less you do it. Like it's like, it's like training a muscle essentially. You do your best to put on a smile for the camera, but you deal with ups and downs more than you like us to see. Relatable, love your content. Thank you. Yeah, 100%. Like this past year has been crazy for everyone. And inside my head, it has become a very like toxic little space. And that's not really something that I feel the need to share constantly. Mostly because then I just have a load of people commenting being like, what a basket case. But yeah, it's been a hard year and I've definitely really felt that. And it's not something that I want to share on camera because you know, you can share that you're going through stuff and that is relatable. But the second you start like literally laying out everything on the table for everyone to see, there are a lot of people. I would say the majority of us are like, whoa, we did not ask for all of this. We did not ask for this emotional dumping. So yeah, I go through stuff and I maybe like give you a little taster of it. But I really don't like to like emotionally dump in the blogs. So that is always something that I'm very cautious of. You are low key enjoying being home and getting things done. I mean, I would be enjoying it if I was getting things done. I don't really feel like I'm getting much done. Okay, I'm gonna pick this one out and we'll do like a little trigger warning because I feel like there are just so many body ones from all angles and I'm gonna work my way through them. And I'm gonna start with this one, which is you love the way you look more right now and feel more yourself in your body than before. And I have some things to say on this, which number one, from a lot of the comments I get, a lot of the DMs, a lot of the assumptions, I feel like we associate happiness and loving yourself with a certain body type. And self-confidence doesn't work that way. I've actually never felt more anxious about the way I look. Actually, I don't like it. And I'm well aware that I've opened this can of worms for myself because number one, I'm on the internet. I lost weight in front of everyone on the internet. I talk about my workouts and my food. So I am fully like aware that I have dug this hole for myself, but I feel so, I guess insecure. Let's go with run with insecure because it covers it. I think there's an actual like more detailed word that I'm thinking of. Yeah, I've never felt so insecure about myself as a whole. And I think that it's just like a real knock-on effect of the past year that we've had. You know, it's been so stressful for everyone. And when we're stressed, we're less able to like cope with our anxieties. And my anxieties have just run wild in ways that they haven't for years. And I know that it is something that will pass and it will get better. But when my mind isn't feeling so steady, that's when I can start feeling very like self-critical. It's something that I struggled with back in like 2016, 2015, 2016, so terribly. And it got me into a really, really bad point in my life where I'd pushed myself way too hard and I fully burnt out on like another level of burnout. And I'm fortunately in a place where I can like work through like I know when I'm in like a bad mental state, I can catch myself in it. And I'm just aware of it, which already makes it a hundred times easier to cope with. Yeah, I feel that there is a lot of expectation for me to be really like loving myself right now because maybe because some of you are really lovely and you are enjoying the way that I look. But pre-COVID, I was so happy. I liked the way I looked. I was feeling really good in myself. I remember being so happy and I genuinely like had zero complaints. I was loving life, loving me, loving my friends, loving my family. Everything was very like calm and in a really great place. And I've just been able to see the more crazy the world's got. It's had a knock-on effect on my mental health and then also how I see myself. So actually I'm not loving myself so much right now. And that is very normal. I remember my friend, Amelia, who has also done one of these videos, by the way, her and Victoria, I was watching those yesterday, which is why I decided to do this video. I remember Amelia in a video years back said something that her dad said to her. He was asking her almost like a question. It was really deep. But he said, is it, you look good, so you feel good or you feel good, so you look good. And back then I was kind of like, well, obviously it would be the, I put makeup on and I make myself look good and that makes me feel good. But actually when I am feeling good, especially at the point I'm in in my life now, when I'm feeling good, it makes me want to like take care of myself and put my makeup on. It has a knock-on effect on me looking good, I think. If I'm not feeling good, I kind of want to just like not take care of myself. What I'm seeing in the mirror is something that I'm very critical of because I'm not feeling good. So my mind at the moment really reminds me of that quote in her videos. And I think it's definitely like a good thing to take away and kind of like ponder a little bit. But these assumptions that I should be happier in my body, because it has changed, I feel like it just shows where we are at in a society where we still very much like equate happiness with a certain body image or body type. And I just really wanted to voice that actually, sorry, Nala is snoring behind me. I don't know if you can hear her. I wanted to voice that, that is a real myth. It does not equal happiness. Okay, next up, I am going to literally screenshot every single food-related, diet-related, weight-related assumption because this assumption video actually was slightly overwhelming to go through all of these because they are savage. And I do urge you that if you do think someone has an eating disorder, maybe be a little bit less savage. This amount of comments was quite literally overwhelming and almost made it slightly unenjoyable to go through these assumptions. Like I can really deal with a lot of things, but this was like, wow, okay, like we're really going in on this. And I wanted to talk about what has happened over the past year because it's something that in hindsight, we can all really see how I got here, like me and my family, because like we've started like eating out occasionally again now. And honestly, I can't make it through like a whole Nando's order that I used to order. It's so heavy. Anyway, not the point, but kind of the point. Pre-COVID, I was like eating out. I would say minimum three times a week, minimum. Three times a week would probably be like, oh, we've had a healthy week this week. I would say at least five to kind of like seven of my meals a week were basically just like not eaten at home. They were consumed outside my home, cooked by someone else. I don't know what's in that food, which is fine and very normal. And I have no issues with going back to that. But lockdown started and obviously we were eating food from home a lot more so that then kind of like shifted my weight a little bit because obviously we're just not eating. Nando's twice a week and Azizi's and I'm probably consuming slightly less rose, less coffees out, less like baked goods, just a lot less of everything. So that is so normal for that to happen. And I was still like exercising and going on like walks a lot. And then over the summer, I think I started like trying to cut out dairy and sugar just because my skin, like we all remember what my skin looked like this time last year. And I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on there. So those were the kind of two things if you're trying to work out if food is affecting your skin, you do cut out. I know people don't like me talking about cutting out food in videos, but I've definitely been dealing with a skin journey in addition to this whole pandemic. So just let me live because my skin is now looking so good and I'm so happy. And bearing in mind, I am a sugar fiend, like I would go through so much mint chocolate chip ice cream. Even at the start of lockdown, I was still going through a lot of mint chocolate chip ice cream, but obviously not having like Nando's, Azizi's, all of that stuff. And then towards the end of the year, I decided to kind of like start transitioning over to a vegan diet just because it was so much easier for me and Ryan. Like when we're both home, we just eat the exact same thing. It just got a bit silly for me to be cooking like fish in addition to what he was like making. And my skin definitely benefited from like the cutting down on dairy. Like I still get like spots on my forehead if I have dairy. So I was like, do you know what? I'm so much happier when my skin is better. So I'm just gonna live this life if it makes me feel a little bit more comfortable in my own skin. And then switching over to being vegan, that was when I actually started cutting back on my exercise because we could see that I was actually losing like quite a lot of weight. And I love my walks. I love my long walks. And I love my exercise, but I just need to find a balance. So at the moment I'm trying to eat more and then kind of like balance that out. But it's all just like a real balancing act that I'm not really used to because I used to exercise really heavily because I was eating out so much. And the food that I was consuming, like McDonald's, Nando's, like all the best foods. I'm not even like saying like, oh, you know, gross, don't eat those things. Like, oh my God, I just love like a Domino's pizza and a McDonald's, fillet fish. My McDonald's order used to be like fillet fish, chips, McFlurry, milkshake. Sometimes I get a cheeseburger as well, chicken nuggets. I would literally order basically everything on the menu, looking back at so much food. And to counteract that, I would exercise a lot just to kind of have that balance in my life. And as my diet changed, that obviously wasn't needed, but for quite a long time, I was unaware of just how much there needed to be an adjustment. Like I just didn't need to exercise that aggressively for what I was consuming. So that is how I got here. I feel very nervous to throw around the term eating disorder as it has been thrown around in the assumptions. That makes me feel like very uncomfortable. I don't think anyone's diet is perfect. And you know, lots of us are on a spectrum of like disordered eating in some way, but that is not what is going on here. What is going on here is I've had a real imbalance in my calorie deficit. But what I will say whilst we are in this space where I'm talking about it anyway, because I've already put up the trigger warnings, so hopefully no one that's going to be upset by all of this conversation will be watching at this point, or if they are, I really hope that they have the support that they need. I would actually like to take a moment to talk about the pressure that there is, because I have been various different, you know, sizes on the internet for a few years now. And when I was a size 10 nearing, I would say a size 12 really in hindsight, when I was that size, there were so many awful, awful comments. I was told daily that I must be pregnant, which is just awful to tell someone in general. That's just horrible for so many reasons, because you don't know what someone is going through or, you know, where they're at in that stage in their life. But there were moments where I've had parts of my body circled and then sent to me. And I've experienced that side of, you know, body image on the internet. And I'm now experiencing on the flip side, people messaging me being like, you look gone. You need help. You need to like really awful messages that pick apart my body in a whole different way. And so I am very, very aware of like my body on the internet now more than ever. Honestly, it makes me worry for like what people are gonna pick on next. I feel nervous for any kind of future weight change now in front of so many people, because I've obviously experienced both sides and neither of them have been particularly nice in terms of the sly messaging, like the kind of messaging that you can't, not everyone else can see. But the way we treat bodies on the internet does make me feel very uncomfortable. And I see so many different sides of it. And I feel so conflicted in so many ways, even when I'm speaking about this, because I am on the internet and it's visible. And obviously I don't hide the fact that we can all see, like I don't feel the need to hide things away from you. So if my weight has changed, I have to go down a size in something because I talk about fashion and I talk about my size and lots of you buy things based on my size. I do talk about it because I'm trying to be as helpful as I can for you guys in terms of your purchasing. I want to be able to be helpful, but I also just feel so nervous for like, I'm like, what is someone going to throw at me next in the comments? But actually I think sometimes we need to talk about how, what we do affects people. And I think lots of people just think that I'm, I've lost weight and I'm all great and I love myself and everything is great because I've gone down a dress size and that doesn't really, I was so much happier, you know, pre COVID, pre, you know, pre the world going crazy. But we really put a lot of emphasis on how we look and actually it's more about how we feel. And I want to feel balanced and I want to enjoy eating food. And I'm actually really enjoying food at the moment. Like I am learning to make loads of new things because my diet has changed and I'm really enjoying the plant-based diets, quite creative. Like when I learned to make fake fish, I was like, oh my God, this is wild. This is so great. I want to enjoy that. And I want to maybe enjoy making content about that in a balanced way. And I want to enjoy exercise. And I still, I know you guys still love like the workout videos and I'd like to carry on doing something like that, you know, in a nice balanced way. But I feel very nervous too, just because of the layout of what is going on. Like you will have seen with all of the assumptions because that isn't just something that people are throwing into these assumption boxes as like a fun thing. That is what is going on in my comments and my DMs regularly. So yeah, I think I'm gonna leave it there for that section. I'm glad I got that off my chest. I know there's going to be some people that just like rip me to shreds in the comments, but there isn't really a perfect way to exist on the internet. Back to getting married. You don't want to get married. Okay, I'm gonna be really frank about marriage here. This is the second marriage question and what the whatever of that. But the way I see marriage is almost like a business transaction. Like it's very, like that is kind of how it came about really when you think like all the way back was like joining households. I don't know, maybe I've got that really wrong. But in terms of, I always think about married really pessimistically in terms of like, okay, if I were to get divorced from this person, how is that gonna play out? Because there are some people that you meet and you're like, I love you, but I'd never want to get divorced from you because that would be a horrendous ordeal. Like I can tell, like, you know, there are some people that are like, you hear them say, no one said this to me. I've had some very, very conversations about marriage, not with Ryan, I feel the need to disclose that. He'll be like, oh my God, what do they think of me? But with other people, I've had conversations about marriage where they were like, yeah, if you left me, I would like take loads of your money. And I'm just like, wow. So yeah, pessimistically, I always look at that person. I'm like, how would being divorced from, how would getting divorced from you go? Is this gonna play out amicably? Is this going to play out like hell on earth? What kind of person are you really? But because of that, I've said for a long time now, I will only get married if it is to the right person, which I guess if you stay with someone for a long period of time, you know, you could kind of assume that they are the right person because on a moral standing, you know that they're maybe not gonna like, you know, turn around and take you for everything you've got. But I have been in a situation where in the past, the conversations of prenups have come up and this person was hands down like, I would absolutely never sign one of those. Basically, why shouldn't I be able to take part of your business if we got divorced? And I was like, those weren't the words that were said, was I want to take 50% of your business. But that's essentially what that kind of moment said to me was why would I sign one? Then I couldn't do that. And it's like, wow, okay. But yeah, even someone's response to that conversation, even if you never plan on actually following through on that as a business owner tells me a lot about a person. And sometimes those conversations aren't had straight away. So you don't know. So I've always said I will only get married if it's to the right person, AKA someone that is a good person and isn't like, doesn't have ulterior motives, isn't leachy, you know, you just don't really know. So yeah, I would want to get married as long as it was to the right person. As long as they are someone that wants to get married, I'm not gonna get married if the other person doesn't want to get married. And I'm also not getting married without some kind of reassurance that the person I am marrying is a good person and isn't gonna be an asshole later down the line. You know, doing assumptions videos makes you anxious because you're a very private person. Oh yeah, I don't think I've stopped shaking the entire way through filming this video. You're very particular with who you spend your time and energy with 100%. If the vibes are off, I don't care who they are. I honestly don't care. It could be like blood relatives, but if the vibes, I'm just giving an example, it's not actually legit. If the vibes are off, the vibes are off. You want a baby soon. I can definitely say that last night, I was struggling to get some kind of adult scenario to like work. That sounds really weird. And actually even this morning, I had one of those moments where I was just like, this adult life is just a lot. And I can't imagine then adding more responsibility to my plate right now. I think like when you have a business, it is like your own child that you have to like really be very present for. There's a lot of responsibility there, like riding on you, making sure like other people's wages are paid. Like there's so many different intricate aspects that you wouldn't really think of until you obviously start doing it. And then you're like, oh my God, this is a lot. And especially having a business and making it sustainable, like profitable long-term. So it's not just like some people run a business and then it goes well for a bit and then it kind of like fizzles. And I don't want that. So I've got like that kind of looming over me. You know, you want to make sure people carry on being paid, all of that. That's a big responsibility. If you want to expand anything, you need to like be super on it with that. I'm not even like the top, like most 100% attentive to it. Like I don't work all hours of the day. I know so many people that work way more hours than me and they really go for it. It's so time consuming and I don't know how you fit. I know you just make it work. This is what everyone says to me, because I ask everyone. People are like, you just make it work. And I'm like, oh, I just don't, I just don't know. I feel like it's very normal for my generation, like my age group. There's a lot of people that I speak to, some that are a bit older and people are still kind of questioning if it's right, if it's something that's right for them, do they want that? And I feel like more than ever, that's a more talked about conversation that happens basically is like in discussions, it's not when, it's if, or do I want. I actually really rate that because I think it's just a much more open discussion now than it's ever been before. In the past, it's always been like, when are you having kids? And now the questions that people ask is like, you don't want kids, are you having them? Do you want to think about it? The discussions around it are definitely changing and I really appreciate that. I'm gonna lay it out here. I am not in the right situation, the right kind of lifestyle at the moment, like my home isn't ready. There's no space, literally no physical space, but also I don't think there's a mental space for that right now. But I definitely think our lives change as we get older and maybe there will be the time where it's like, oh yeah, now I'm actually kind of feeling it. So that definitely is gonna be something that I assess once I'm actually in a space where it's like possible, if that makes sense. Not moving in with your boyfriend has done so much good for your relationship. I would say yes, I think it would be good either way. I think it is a good, really healthy relationship, just in terms of our personalities and the way we work together, it's a really beautiful relationship and I'm very, very happy. But I do think having separate spaces has been really great in terms of like, we've both remained very independent. We both have separate properties and we both have to do like all of the cleaning and all of the gardening and all of the, you know, everything for each one, which for me, from my perspective is lovely because Ryan isn't one of those boyfriends that has gone from living in their family home to then moving in and I'm just like doing all the cooking, all the cleaning. There is so much independence on both sides. And I would say for both of us in terms of like, not even just in terms of like what Ryan brings to the relationship, but also what I bring, I'm very independent. And I do a lot of my own stuff in the house. There's not the boy jobs and the girl jobs, you know, like sometimes you hear people say that and you're like, oh, wow, okay. So you don't take the business out. That's just like a very top line example. But because we both have to do all of those things, I feel like we are very much in an equal standpoint with each other. And I think that that is a really lovely place to be. You've got your shoes together. I would say you have nothing on your back car seats. It's 99% of the way there. I actually, this is how you know that I've got it together enough that I can tell you the one thing that is on my back car seat. And it's an empty sunglasses case. Yeah, you're a really fun person to be around and are actually quite excitable and always up for plans. Yeah, anyone that makes me excitable is like my kind of person. I definitely like bounce off of other people and I am always up for, always up for plans. We've had quite a few holiday destinations thrown around recently and I'm like, I'll go, I'll go everywhere. I'll go anywhere. Just take me. Just tell me when you're picking me up. You're quite guarded and you find it hard to let people in. Yeah, trust no one. No, just kidding. I actually, no, I used to be very much like super open and I was everyone's best friend straight away. And now I'm just very much more like guarded. Also a lot better at following my gut with people now, I think. And yeah, it's made my relationships that I do have better because I'm not spending time on people that are a little bit more like, there are some people that only wanna be around you when they need something, that kind of vibe. They take a lot of energy. You love living down by the beach and you'd hate to move to London slash a big city. This all depends. Like, am I doing that on my now finances or have I married a millionaire and do I have loads of money? Because if I could have like a house in London and then like a house by the sea somewhere and then also a house in the countryside, I would take it. But if I had to pick one, I don't even know if I'd pick the beach. My car gets really dirty. Really shoot myself in the foot with my car colours, to be honest, like just digging a hole for myself. But yeah, if I had to pick one, I would say like beach or countryside, but definitely not London. It's just, it has never, never appealed to me. But I think that's coming from like a very small seaside town that actually has its own kind of city and nightlife, like a real good city and nightlife. It's not London, because London's nightlife is amazing. It's decent. Like it's not like one of those like beach side towns where there's like a couple of bars. Like there's so much really in Brighton when you break it down. So when I could have a little bit of both worlds, why would I pick London? He cheats in the Sims. Yeah, honey, why struggle when you can mother load? To be fair, that is pretty much the only cheat. No, actually it's not. I also do that cheat where you can like make them permanently happy. So they're just all really good at their jobs and really successful in life. So actually, yeah, I'm like the biggest cheater on the Sims ever. Like Ryan gets really in a way when he watches me play. You're not into YouTube and content creation anymore and thinking of change. This is very much an incorrect assumption. I love YouTube. Like I actually think if I moved on to something else, I would still make YouTube videos. It would still be a focus for me, but it just wouldn't be like the focus because YouTube is actually like one of my main things that I wake up and I'm like YouTube. But yeah, I don't think that that would be something that would change. I think even as I get older, it would still always be something that is very present in my life because I really, really enjoy it. Instagram is the thing that I would say will potentially tweak as I get older. And depending on what I decide to do, it might be something that I maybe like change, just change the way I make content on it, but it's not something that I've really thought about extensively. Like I have no plans to change my career at all. You're not really close or friends with many YouTubers or influencers anymore. I actually am. I just really prefer to keep my friendships more as like a every so often occasional thing rather than have them be a really prominent feature on YouTube. I just think it's people compare a lot on the internet and actually it can become like quite a nasty space. Like the way I feel like our generation has been brought up to pitch women against each other, to compare, to always make drama. That's not nice to have relationships that are surrounded by that. So actually I just think it's so much nicer. Those relationships, even though they are made through YouTube, get to kind of like stay off YouTube, not 100% of the time, but just like, it's nice. Just things being calm and no one like creating drama, even though people still do, because they'll be like, oh, these people aren't talking. And it's like, my WhatsApp says otherwise, but okay. You're the first one to leave a party. Actually, no, that is my friend Nay. She is the first one to leave a party. Always makes me feel better about if I am the second person to leave a party, though quite often I'm not. And I'm gonna do a final one. You want to have your own clothing company. I can definitely say that that is not something that is going to be happening. I delved into just even producing hoodies on like a real low key level. And honestly, in terms of like the lack of inclusivity and sizing, like that was a real key thing. That was one of the main like reasons that I was very quickly like, this is not gonna work for me. That was due to the lack of size range. Just if I'm going to do something, I want to do it really, really, really well. And there's so many other things that come into having a clothing line. And I think especially when you go into it and you already have an audience, it's kind of almost expected to be more perfect straight away. And I know that like Victoria from In The Frow, lots of you will have seen her video on her struggles with creating her own clothing line. And I literally was like nodding along to that video. It is so, so difficult. But there's definitely other kind of companies that I would like to set up and have and things like that. They're all just like in my brain for now. But yeah, that is gonna be it from me today. I need to go and just like sit in a dark room and stop shaking because this was a scary, scary video to film. But I hope you guys enjoyed it and enjoyed hearing me open up about things that have been in my head for so long. And it just so happened, like I wouldn't have talked about them. I wouldn't have like, you know, made up an assumption. I don't want anyone thinking that I've like planted these things just because I want to talk about them. But this has just given me the opportunity to voice like a lot of stuff. But yeah, I hope it answered your questions and maybe some of the things that you've been wondering about me for a little while. Because like I said, I definitely haven't like spoken about some of the things in this video in that level detail. Like this is my like honest, 100% honest truth. So yeah, I hope you guys enjoyed that. But I need to go make a cup of tea now and like sit. I really should have had tea for this video because I feel like there was some real tea. But anyway, I hope you're all having a lovely day and I'll see you guys again very very soon. Bye.