Self Sabotage Is More Complicated Than We Think

So we have a question here on productivity and self-sabotage. Somebody is struggling to understand why their behavior is inconsistent. So this is from Francis and it says the more I try to change my life for the better, it seems the more frustrated I get. I have so much good information about productivity, diet, relationships, these are the issues he's working on. And I watch videos and have read several books on self-improvement, but the old patterns persist. I'm no more productive now than I was. Now I just feel baffled by my own behavior and inability to move forward. Is there anything I can do or something I'm missing? So Francis, I'm going to address this question and hopefully it'll help other people here too. And the reason I really wanted to look at this question there's a pattern that I really love what you said there. And it says, okay, you're struggling to enact change, to be more productive, to maybe have a better diet, things like this. And you notice now I'm just baffled by my own behavior. So this is a thing that sometimes can be missing in self-improvement or self-help. I'm baffled by my own behavior. So that's really great insight you have there because it's pointing you actually in the right direction. When you start to realize I am baffled by my own behavior, my own consistencies in what I'm seeing externally in my own behavior. Now that's important because let's look at a typical contradiction. Consciously, I'm holding a goal and intention that I want to be more productive. And yet in my manifested behavior, I'm noticing contradictions with this. I am not acting that out in my behavior. It's not manifesting itself. And to us, it can seem baffling when consciously this is what we want to do. But our behavior is showing us that actually what is going on here. Now, if we can realize, okay, the fact that we can feel baffled or confused by our own behavior is showing us that we don't understand it. Let's take productivity. Consciously, I want to be productive. I want to be productive. I'm not acting that out in my behavior. That is showing us that there is a part of us that does not want to be productive, has no interest in being productive. Now, the reason we're baffled by it quite often is we don't really understand why. And we can put these simplistic labels on why we're not doing the thing we consciously say we want to do. So there's part of us that doesn't want to be productive. We look at it and we say, and a lot of this is in self-help too. It's like, well, that's a lazy part. That's a problematic part. That's the part I need to get rid of. That's the part that needs to change. So, see, there's a real problem with that, because that's basically saying, I don't want to listen to you anymore. Go away. And therefore we feel baffled by it. And we're really baffled by these parts of ourselves because we don't listen to it anymore. We have come to see it as just problematic. And the way forward with this is, okay, unbaffle ourselves. What is this part of me that doesn't want to be productive, doesn't want to stick to the diet, whatever it might be, doesn't want to change in the relationship? What is this part of me really all about? And the assumption that we make about it is, well, it's just wrong. It's immature. It's childish. It's all these different things. Now, a lot of that goes back to childhood when maybe we were ashamed for certain things. But if we really start to inquire into what this part of me wants and not to just see it as broken or a problem and get really curious about what it wants, we'll often find that what it wants is quite a valid emotional need. So it's not problematic. It's not broken at all. In my experience, what I found with the productivity stuff is that, yes, there is this part of me that really, really wants to be productive. It wants to get things done. It wants to accomplish things. Nothing wrong with that either. But there's this other part of us that is resistant to that. It is undermining those efforts. And we see that as laziness. We see it as problematic. So let's unbaffle that. What does it want? Typically, what I've found that it wants is fun. Now, it can also be about low self-esteem and things like that. But we start off with the assumption that, well, maybe this thing wants fun. It looks at this part of me that is hyperproductive, focused on productivity and success. And it says, I don't really like that. I'm not interested in that. And if we continue to not proactively meet the needs of this part of us that is in resistance to moving forward with that plan, it will find ways unconsciously to undermine our efforts with productivity. So find out what that part of you that is resisting this wants. Another good example is in sleep, for instance. I'll give you an example. So let's say consciously you're telling yourself, and it's this productive part, is this success driven, ambitious part. It says, I'm going to go to sleep tonight super early and get up and have a really productive day tomorrow. Nothing wrong with that. However, you notice it's now 12 o'clock at night and don't really want to go to sleep anymore. And now it's one o'clock and you're still thinking, well, you know, maybe one more episode of this show I'm watching or still play this video game or whatever it might be. And, you know, before you notice 3 a.m. and you're still having this internal fight with yourself about why am I doing this? Okay. There's a part of us there that doesn't want to go to sleep early. And these two parts of us, the productive part and the part that's resistant to that are kind of in conflict. Now we identify with this productive part. We like that part. We see it as helpful. And, you know, the truth is, if you can consciously keep that in your awareness all evening as you're preparing for bed, I'm going to go to bed early tonight. In all likelihood, you will succeed with that. However, it's very difficult to hold a goal like that in conscious awareness all the time. And what will happen is, okay, for a moment you sit down and think, okay, I'm going to go to bed early tonight. I'm going to watch this show first. I'm going to watch half an hour of this thing. And as you do it, your attention from that conscious goal is kind of fading away. And now what happens is this other part that isn't interested in this goal at all comes in. It's not wrong. It's not bad. It just has different needs, different desires or preferences. And it comes in and it starts to influence you. Right now. And also the thing to know about that, it is very influential because it uses emotion because it's quite repressed quite often. And it'll start to influence your decision making. And now it seems just more justifiable to stay up watching the TV show or whatever it might be before you know it, it's 3am. And we continue to go on like this in this inner conflict with ourselves because of this part of us that we just don't understand. And we see it as like, I'll often say to people, okay, well, well, why are you struggling with productivity? I don't know. I don't understand it. I don't understand this resistance I have to it. It's unbaffling or demystifying what this part of us wants. Because the truth is we can try to bulldoze it away. We can try to repress it and deny it. It's not going anywhere because it's valid. It's very valid. It's just not interested in productivity or success or something. Does that make it bad? No, it just means that it probably wants fun or it wants relaxation. It wants spontaneity. And here's the thing. It's probably not getting it. So it will start to come in and get its needs met unconsciously without permission. Okay, so it's not going away. So the solution to this is to find out. Oh, yes, this productivity need is very healthy. It's a good thing for me. There's also this part of me here that has no interest in it at all. What do both of them want? And now you'll notice about these two parts. We identify with this part that's productive. And the part that's productive and this part that doesn't want to be productive. They don't like each other. So we need to start ending the conflict between them. And really what you need to do to do that is to validate both parts of yourself. Okay, so this part that you're baffled about, understand it more. Start to validate it more. Stop seeing it as an enemy. Bring it on board proactively and start to say, well, what does it want? And that involves things like, you know, you look at your day ahead for the next day and you're thinking, okay, well, productivity is going to be important. But what did this other part want that would make it cooperate with me going to sleep tonight? Barely. I'm getting up and being productive. You see, we tend to see that part as a liability. But it sees the productive guy, a part of you as being a liability. That's a really interesting thing to think about. Like from its perspective, why would it let you go to sleep early? It sees that as dangerous based on its needs and perspectives, because it's saying, well, if this guy goes to sleep early tonight, he's going to get up early tomorrow. He's going to be full of energy and he's going to jump straight into productivity. And I won't have any time to get my needs met. At least if he's tired tomorrow, I'll have a chance of him stopping and chilling out. Okay, so it's very valid. It's very rational, really. So start to validate both of them as important. And in planning your day, look at, okay, productivity is going to be part of this, but I have to proactively, consciously include whatever this need is. And it's typically going to be about fun, spontaneity, relaxation. Okay, so this is kind of me giving you kind of the dynamics of why self care is important. I know this word self care is kind of a boring word, and we've all heard it so many times. The thing is, it's not really optional, because the part of us that feels like it's not getting what it needs starts to get resentful, and then it'll start to get sort of a little bit underhanded in terms of how it starts to influence you unconsciously and influence your decision making. So my answer here, Francis, is, and to anyone else who's watching, is demystify what the part of you that's resistant wants. And we have a lot of resistance to going in and having a conversation about that, because often what I found is that emotional need that is really driving that. At some point in our past, we were shamed for having that need. Therefore, we kind of convinced ourselves to stop wanting it or stop needing it. And there's a lot of fear that we experienced around having that need in the past and a lot of shame. Thing is, you can't get rid of your emotional needs. This is a fundamental fact that we need to come to terms with. I can't shut off my emotional needs. I can repress them for a long time, but they will always find a way to come back. So, Francis, I hope that's useful information. Demystify that part of you that you are baffled by. And you will find that once those two parts start to feel validated and included, they now start to cooperate with each other, where in the past they were in real conflict with each other, struggling for your time and attention. And once that happens, your productivity will just naturally just improve, because there's no resistance to it anymore. See, the thing is, and this is again what self-improvement sometimes misses, the model of pushing yourself forward, trying to develop habits to be more productive, it's kind of like driving with the handbrake on in your car, right? Why should it be so hard? Life isn't cruel, you know? It shouldn't be that hard. It should be easy. And once we resolve any inner conflicts we have with ourselves, typically around what our emotional needs are going to be, there can be self-esteem stuff to look at also. But once we do that, we move forward with a lot of grace and ease in our life. So I hope that was a useful question. And as always, thanks for joining me and I'll see you again soon. Bye for now.