Do You Want to Know What Self Sabotage Really Is?

I want to talk about a strategy in maintaining balance, that very boring word that doesn't sound impressive, but I think it goes a much longer way to explaining what people refer to as self-sabotage, is a lack of balance, because we sometimes can't figure out why we're not moving towards the goal we say we want, or at least say to ourselves that we want it, but it doesn't look like that's bearing out in our behavior, maybe there's inconsistencies or a lack of follow-through in various things, and we kind of say, well maybe I'm sabotaging myself, that sort of implies an imposter in there, or a saboteur you could say, which is a negative term right, but this thing of balance, it brings us to the idea of well, what if really what's happening with that lack of follow-through, say in your work life for instance, what if it's a different need you have inside you that you can't get rid of, it's inherent, it's innate, and it isn't being met, and as it looks at your attempts to drive more of your time and energy into this maybe work goal, it's thinking, well I'm getting a little bit fed up with this, so what if one of the best ways to overcome this so-called self-sabotage is to find ways to identify our needs first of all, and to find balance with them, to meet all of our needs, right, sounds exhausting doesn't it, it's like it's hard enough to think about doing one thing well and consistently, never mind having to find out what your needs are to maintain balance and actually give them the time and energy that they need, but that's the wrong approach. The way that I have found to be most helpful with meeting needs is to meet them in a way that's maintainable, sustainable, and easy, right, so the problem I'm identifying here is that when we decide, look, it's too much, I can't do all these different things, I'm going to sacrifice one of these important needs, maybe a need for creativity, or a need for physical health, or a need for socializing, something like that, because I have to do this need over here, see that's creating a tension, that's creating a conflict, and over time it will create this sense of resentment within us, so my approach is that it's sort of like there's no man left behind here, we don't really have the luxury to forego any of the needs we have within us. Now I have a free book on my site, it's called Forget Happiness, and I give one model, it's the model I use for just any person within themselves, forget interpersonal relationships, I'm not even talking about that need, I'm talking about the needs we have within ourselves. I have a model in that book, I outline it, there's five basic needs, so one of them is yes, the need for responsibility, which is paying the bills and doing your tax returns and making rent, it's not always enjoyable, but that's a need, for sure, it's a loud need, and if it's overlooked we feel all sorts of pressure and anxiety, but the other needs, there are, there's the need for meaning or creativity, or a sense of growth, that's the second need, the need for taking care of yourself physically, we also have, my battery's gone, the need for reflection, which I think is the most essential need, and we also have the need which is the, typically it's seen as the black sheep of the family, seen as the luxury item that we might get around to if we earn it enough, which is a terrible way to think about it, it's the need for rest or play, or spontaneity, a space in life without an agenda, or a goal, or self-improvement, so I don't think we can, at least sustainably in the long run, live life by going into denial about any of those needs, now that's just my model that I've developed over the years, there are other models, you know, maybe you would resonate with more, or maybe you create your own model, but the way to stop the self-sabotage is to find a way to meet all of those needs, right, and you will know that because there'll be a greater sense of peace, there'll be a greater, much less resentment in yourself, and it's not like you're driving the car with the handbrake on anymore, now it sounds overwhelming, this is the job of self-parenting, which is like, how am I going to meet all these needs, the wrong question to ask yourself is, how can I get all those things done in the most efficient, maximal way possible, best way to do it is, how can I do it easily, quickly, efficiently, what's the least I can do that will meet the need, also I talk about, in other places, the idea that you don't need a big plan to do this, that you can do it based on how you're feeling that day, you just look at the next easy step, the word is, I underline the word easy there, right, what's the next easy step for me to do, so we can typically address and meet all these needs without a big elaborate plan and a big rigid system for ourselves, the last point I want to make is, in that model I have, the five needs, fourth one is the need for reflection, and I'm convinced that that's the most important thing, because without reflection, that could be meditative practice, that could be journaling, again, 15 minutes a day, half an hour a day, whatever you feel is easy and doable for you, is the right answer, without that, you see, what I'm suggesting here is, it makes sense, it's not easy though, I'm not pretending it is easy, and what makes it doable and easier is that we don't go into beating ourselves up about it or bullying ourselves more into trying to be compliant, it's to reflect on why was that challenging today, and the wheels fall off, from time to time the fall off on your attempts to find balance in those needs, that's okay, that's what reflection is for, that never happened, we wouldn't need to reflect, but we're human, so the message in today's video is to really pay attention to what are your needs, the ones that have hung around for a long time, and to entertain the idea that maybe it's not okay for me to go into denial or to forego any of them, maybe they all have to be met, and I can't do this thing of just going monk mode and one thing for six months, a year, that turns into five years, and we have this emotional imbalance and self-sabotage that comes from that, so that's the takeaway from today's video, hope it's useful, go easy on yourself with this, this is a journey, I know that's a cliche, but it really is, you learn how to do this over time with reflection, so keep that in mind, hope this was useful, talk to you soon, bye-bye.