How to Turn a Bad Day Around.

If you're having the occasional bad day, or maybe more than the occasional bad day, even most days aren't great days. It's because we're on this path. We're trying to understand ourselves more. That's a challenging process. And what it means effectively is that that is the price of admission for insight. Insights are hard won, super valuable, life-changing, but, and helpful, useful. But when we're doing this self-parenting work, it's not easy, and we're going to require some insights and some days when we're struggling with old strategies and old conditioning that comes up. So just to remind everybody, these needs that I refer to here are responsibility, taking care of the things in life that require our attention, paying the rent, doing things that I'm not always crazy about doing. We have five of these needs. Another one here is meaning. So as you are trying to meet responsibility and pay the bills, this need for meaning or purpose or creativity is in there. That needs to be taken into account. The most important need of all, and this is what we're doing here today, which is reflection, which is, I think, a primary emotional need that we have. And the most important, because without reflection, there are no insights. So that's a huge part of it, making time and space and valuing that more and more than we did in the past. We have some physical needs for our emotional well-being. Again, it's not about self-improvement or looking at any kind of way. It's the emotional importance of movement or breathing or doing some form of exercise or taking care of ourselves physically. And then, of course, the black sheep of the family, rest, play, or the one I like is spontaneity. So as you're. Taking care of this and this and this and this, you also have to take care of this. So this is challenging. This is not easy. We're trying to find more balance within ourselves in terms of how can I actually start meeting these needs. And the thing is, life is so, it's in flux all the time. Your energy levels change all the time. Your living situations change all the time. Your job might change. Relationships, family change, all these different things change. And that can, for a period of time, for instance, throw us out of balance. And we find ourselves having a really lousy day, or it could be not much changes externally. But for instance, your understanding of what is actually meaningful for you, or how do I go about meeting that need for meaning, that might change. Your physical needs may change. And staying attuned to that, When those things change, that can throw us out of balance for a while, right? So what I'm kind of talking about today is, if you have bad days, those bad days are not a sign that something has gone wrong. When you're on this path, it's an inevitability. Now, we're not talking here today about the days when everything is going well. And I think you can have more and more of those days the more you invest in this reflective work. What we're talking about is when we're in conflict with ourselves. So in other words, when some of these needs we have. are in conflict that's when we get that stuck feeling that paralyzed feeling within ourselves there's some sort of an internal conflict going on and the issue is like it's not it's not like those needs put their hand up and say i'd like to explain my point of view on this and then the other needs gives a respectful rebuttal to that it's incredibly intuitive it's based around our emotions these are the signals we're getting so when we're getting stuck some some formulation or Or some... In some sense, these needs are out of balance and it's creating a conflict within ourselves and it takes time for us to understand why the conflict, why that stuck feeling inside myself. So again, it's an inevitability. So we invest more when we are conflicted with ourselves into, well, I'll talk more about a few strategies here in a moment, but it's not to just jump into the old ways of relating to conflict within ourselves, which is fixing, pushing, et cetera, et cetera. So these needs, responsibility, meaning, purpose, creativity, your physical need, reflective need, rest, play, and spontaneity, this is what makes it difficult, right? When a conflict arises, it's like in your interpersonal relationships. If everything's going well, there's no issue. But it's only when conflict arises, well, how do I meet the conflict? Because conflict is an inevitability, and we can see that maybe more obviously in our interpersonal relationships. But is conflict within myself an inevitability? and i would say when we're on this path and we're learning how to do this i would say it's an inevitability so let's maybe take a different strategy here instead of saying uh well i hopefully i won't have any bad days hopefully i won't have any days when i'm conflicted with myself let's maybe take a strategy of of course i'll be there'll be days when i'm conflicted this is in flux all the time this is nuanced this requires attunement This is a very alive, changing process, and there will be days that arise when I wake up in the morning and I feel conflicted, and I used to handle that conflict in a certain type of way, but what if I can learn how to handle that conflict, that inevitable, healthy, understandable conflict in a different way? So hard days are an inevitability in this self-actualization, this growth process, and in order for us to grow. What we're trying to do is we're trying to birth insights, right? We're trying to bring forth new insights, new understandings of ourselves and anything like a birth process. It's painful, right? But super valuable when it happens. So another way of interpreting conflict when it arises, and by that, I just mean you wake up and you're not feeling it, right? For whatever reason, I'm just not feeling good today. I'm not feeling on. That doesn't want to happen. One part of me wants to do something. Another part of me wants to do something completely different. When that happens, that's basically, instead of panicking about it, instead of, well, we'll talk about this in a second, but this is basically your potential will not allow you to rest too long and things going well. The growth process demands that eventually whatever you've been doing that's working so well has to stop working, which is super annoying. It's really annoying when that happens, but you'll find something and you'll say, my God, I can't believe I didn't understand this before. This is the secret. I've got it. I've figured it out. And that's true. You have got a really valuable insight and you've grown. You're stepping more into authenticity, more to yourself. But then what about the next step of authenticity that might require challenging something else that's holding you back? And that, again, is that birthing process for insights, new insights to come up, which is painful. So, I'm going to give... Eight strategies for when you have a day and you're not feeling it, okay? And again, you're a human being. This is going to happen. This is normal. This is exactly what we want to have happen, in fact. So I don't know, we talked, I talked in a recent session here about like, Some of the things that caused problems for us in childhood and some of the energies we could have been around and some of the negative energies we could have been around, I'll be repeating some of that today. But the idea here is that we start to meet ourselves with a different energy, not when things are going well, when we're in conflict, when we wake up and we have that inner conflict in ourselves. So the very first thing I'd like to say here about this, and let me see if I can write it in here. I'm just going to put it aside here. The first thing that I think is super, super important in this is if we notice that we're having one of those days, that we can start off by being gentle with ourselves. Okay, that's the first one. I'll write it in here. Now, gentleness with ourselves, as opposed to what? As opposed to the harshness that maybe we may have used or seen within ourselves or become aware of within ourselves in the past. Again, in childhood, developmentally, it's important that we be around a sense of gentleness and rather than harshness. But what we're trying to do is we're trying to embody these energies within ourselves now. So what would gentleness look like for you might look different to what it looks like for somebody else. But we can certainly start to say, look, okay, I'm not feeling it here. There's seven other ideas here, so maybe it'll all make more sense in a minute. But the first thing would be, can I give myself a little bit of gentleness? Can I be less harsh on myself when I'm trying to find balance within? Okay, gentleness. Now, the second one, these are characteristics that we're trying to develop within ourselves. And this one might sound a little bit strange. When you're having a bad day, And the things that you had a conscious intention to do, what the day might look like, et cetera, the wheels are falling off. It's actually, believe it or not, possible for us to have a sense of joy. Now, I know that sounds bizarre, but it's, and it's a high bar we're setting for ourselves there. I can feel joy on a day when the wheels are falling off and everything isn't working out for me. Well, the opposite of joy is resentful, to be resentful towards yourself. Can you stop being resentful that you're not this super human being that's going to be a machine all the time, right? If we can stop being resentful to ourselves, we might notice your own humanity, that you're a human being and you're vulnerable and you're alive. It's one way to not feel alive is to pretend like you have no vulnerability. Stepping into your vulnerability makes you feel alive. And there's also a choice factor in this. It's like, I do have the choice here to feel joy. I can choose today, even when the plans and the things that I was looking at, the needs that I have haven't been, there's some conflict going on inside myself. It's not actually impossible to feel joy, even with that conflict within. So joy is basically, it's a commitment or it's a choice to make it. I can actually be joyful. Now, if you read the book that I wrote, the idea in it is, if I'm stuck, if I run into a problem, I go into reflection, okay? And I also step away from all the things that are causing me the conflict. Go and do something else. Maybe the days when you wake up and you're waiting on that insight to emerge, maybe that's the best day to say, you know what, maybe I'll be gentle. Maybe I'll do something nice. Maybe I'll do something fun here. Maybe I'll have a joyful time with this. So that is doable. And I would say what we're doing is we're trying to figure out how to navigate with more grace these days when they come up. And I don't know about you guys, but when the conflict does come up for me, inevitably, Me trying to figure it all out ferociously instead of stepping back from it tends to backfire. If I step back from it, I'm going to go spend time with the family. I'm going to go and do something completely different from this. I'm not in denial about how I'm feeling. There's still joy to be had in those areas outside of that conflict potentially. So that is, I know I'm setting the bar high on that one, but that is actually a real possibility for us. The third one here. This is kind of the name of the group, so it won't be a surprise. The third thing when we're having a bad day is to trust ourselves. Okay, now you don't need to have trust when everything is going well. It's when it looks like things aren't working out. Can I trust myself? Can I trust that if I give myself some space here, the natural process of me having an insight that's going to end this conflict will emerge in its own time. Can I trust that this conflict coming up for me right now is actually helpful because it's going to take me to the next level? Trust. Trust instead of, well, what's the alternative to trust? We have the tendency to control. I have to dial up the control ratchet now. So no, I don't have to control more. I have to trust that what's happening here is for my own betterment. And it's a healthy, natural process that's taking place. The fourth thing is, again, this may ring a bell from the conversation we had about childhood, is to be patient. Because the tendency is when the conflict comes up, Hurry up. Got to do this. We're running out of time. Play the slow game. Patience. I have more time than I think here. What if I'm about to receive an insight that could change my life, that could absolutely save me months of time and hard work that I could avoid, right? Be patient instead of being impatient and pushing and leaning into more and more efforting and more and more chronic doing, right? Patience is a virtue and it's a super important one for us here. The next one is, now I'll have to explain what this means, but there's a definition I use of it, is to be generous to yourself. Generous. Generosity, what I mean by that is generosity to see your own potential instead of to assume the worst about yourself. So again, when things are fine, no problems. When conflict emerges and I'm not engaging, I'm stuck, I'm having a stuck feeling, can Can I give myself... The benefit of the doubt, to realize, to see your own potential, even in the days when you're stuck, instead of being suspicious and going into, that's not very impressive. What are you up to? Why aren't you doing it? Questioning yourself, interrogating yourself. Generosity doesn't mean you're not necessarily giving things to yourself. It means seeing yourself in a positive light, seeing the best in yourself, giving yourself a generous self-assessment, seeing your potential when you're stuck. When you're stuck, can I see the potential in myself? Okay, so that's what I mean by generosity. The sixth one, there's eight of these. Sixth is an important one, is to be honest. So when we have that conflict that comes up for us, that doesn't mean that you have to say, I'm feeling fantastic, I'm feeling wonderful, and you have to use 50 self-affirmations to get yourself going and to convince yourself that you don't feel the way you feel. You feel conflicted. There's some conflict, there's some very understandable reason for why you have that conflict and you're experiencing it, but it doesn't mean you have to pretend it isn't there or say, I feel fantastic and I'm wonderful and say all these different things to yourself. Honestly, that's a super, super important part of this because we want to start hearing some of the conflicted needs, the needs that feel overlooked, and they will generally not be too happy. Okay, so there'll be some feelings of resentment, some feelings of irritation, feelings of anger. You don't have to pretend like those feelings aren't there. And if we do pretend like they're not there, it's not helping. Okay, so this is what I mean by being honest. And very often, the hardest emotion in my experience to be honest about is anger. I'm really fed up. I'm sick of it. I'm really, really annoyed. I'm furious with myself. Like, okay, that's honest. That's good. All the emotions, the emotions we feel are all honest. And they're not always based in the truth, but they're honest data points for us. And we want to get good at saying, okay, this is how I'm genuinely feeling today. And that's okay. Giving some of that gentleness, maybe to those emotions that are there. Some patience with those emotions when they come up for us. Two more of these. This is a big one. The seventh one is when I'm having a bad day and I'm conflicted. Can I be defenseless? Now, what I mean by that is, maybe you can't see all of that there. Defenseless, it's, it's, okay. How I used to approach a day like this when I feel like crap, I don't feel good. How did I used to handle it? I would bury my head in the sand about how I'm feeling, denial, defense mechanism. I would push harder. I would go into avoidance. These are defenses. Can I drop my defenses? The big one is the chronic doing. Can we get good at just saying, just let it go? Drop all your defenses. Drop all these ideas that you had previously used that have actually made this worse, which is that chronic doing and pushing. Invest more time in reflection. Again, that's why this one is the most important need we have. And not use those old strategies. Not doing that thing of, in the book I wrote recently, I talk about a big one is that recommitting. Okay, I didn't do it now, but look, I'm going to do it soon. I'm going to do it soon. Can I just stop doing that? Drop those defenses. That would be a huge help to help us navigate these days of conflict. The defenses keep us away from the insight because they keep us away from reflection. Reflection is not about defending anything. It's about being honest. So that's a huge one. Maybe we'll talk about that a little bit more. But the last one is a super important one also. And the eighth strategy here is to be open-minded. So what do we mean about that? What does that mean when we're having a bad day is to be open-minded? Well, maybe you've had seven good days in a row. And on the eighth day, the wheels fall off and you're not feeling good. And you're stuck. You can't understand why you're not moving forward. That's because, again, that's an inevitability. to take the next step up there needs to be the system needs to collapse to a certain degree in order to get the insight but we that means we have to be willing to go into reflection and say the strategy whatever routine i had before previously that is not they're not the 10 commandments there may be ways that i can approach meeting my needs here that are a little bit different to the way i used to do it I used to have this routine and I become a little bit too attached to it. Convince myself it's the perfect way to do it and that actually ends up limiting me. So can I be willing to be open-minded and say, well, maybe I need to change something. Maybe I need to really tweak something a little. Maybe I need to drastically throw out my strategy entirely. Start over and see, okay, what's a different way of approaching today? So being open-minded around that as opposed to being dogmatic about it. Okay, dogmatic is no, or I read somebody on YouTube has this system of being productive, and that's the right way of doing it. Well, why isn't it working then for you? Maybe it's not the right one for you, or maybe your own strategy that you developed for yourself has become outdated, which they all do, by the way. This is why we need to reflect. That has to be the number one thing. So these are the eight things. It's sort of like, I don't know if they're strategies, but they're sort of like Energetic ways that we can relate to ourselves, gentleness, the ability to realize I can be in conflict and actually enjoy it because it's an opportunity for me to understand more about myself. I can be more trusting towards myself. I can be a little bit more patient. I can afford to be patient and slow down. Generous in terms of how I see myself, seeing the potential in myself and not being suspicious towards myself. Honest with my feelings when I'm having one of Letting go of the old defenses. that don't work such as recommitting and repromising and trying to hustle harder and finally to be more open-minded and to let go or to be open to change if something needs to change that i'm open to it i'm going to rip up the rule book here and start over and see what uh see what comes of that so those are the eight um things there that i would say are things we can start to play around with when we're having We're having one of these bad days.