My last 2 years _ Hair loss, Heartbreak, Anxiety

The last two years hadn't been easy for most of us, and I'm guessing it may have been difficult for you too in ways. Sickness, depression, war, corrupt leaders, shattered goals and ambitions. My gosh, what an intense time to be alive for all of us. For many of us in Melbourne City, the lockdowns had a significant impact on our lives, and for me, being a travel content creator whose audience expects to see beautifully well edited videos from incredible locations around the world, and then not being able to make those videos anymore for months on end, my channel took a huge blow. Because I wasn't allowed to travel, instead I had to resort to product reviews and use the remaining footage I had to stay relevant and be remembered on the platform. But let's face it, it just wasn't as interesting as the cinematic travel films I used to make, and my views and growth was suffering from it. The saddest part was when I was able to actually get out of the country and make my usual travel content, no matter how clever and unique it may have been, it was apparent that I was no longer getting recommended on this platform anymore. To continue putting so much effort into my videos and risk getting so little in return, that was a fear that became quite real. However, losing viewership on my channel was the least of the terrifying things I had experienced in the last two years. I'll never forget that cold feeling that ran through my body the morning I discovered I was losing my hair. It was like my soul had left, and a part of who I was was gone forever. I was 28 years old, and already had a goddamn balding patch on the back of my head, and being someone that was still yet to find a partner, this was a major kick in the face by the foot of life, and only amplified the intensity of overthinking I was already experiencing. On top of that, I was already in a fragile mental state from fighting chronic fatigue for over 11 years now. But that's a deep story for another time. I'd always been an overthinker, but during the Melbourne lockdowns, the overthinking got a lot worse. It was mostly constructed of the pressure of things to complete and self doubt, second guessing and questioning everything I was doing or saying. I was analysing everything about myself, I guess I was just making sure I was being the best me I could be. It was especially evident in social situations, to the point where I would sometimes analyse myself so much whilst I was chatting to somebody, that I didn't feel like I was myself at all after the conversation. However, this was nothing new to me, I'd always been like that. But the lockdowns and the whole losing my hair situation only intensified the unhealthy overthinking and self analysis. However, I quickly learned that there was hope for my hair, and things that I could do to grow it back. So, I was so determined to make that happen. The first step was to use a DHT reducing liquid foam and rub it into my scalp every morning and night for the rest of my life. An exhausting process that would become part of my everyday was sinking. And to be honest, in this very moment, I felt completely fucked. However, I found that there was one more solution that could work. There was a pill I could take once a day called Finasteride that was more likely to work and way less time consuming, but did have a lot of uncommon side effects, and some that I felt quite oddly about. But I decided it was worth the risk to save my already drowning mental health, and hopefully one day stop the voices of doubt and fear entering my mind. Now I know what you're thinking, it's just hair bro, who cares? Shave it off, embrace it. But I thought if there was a chance to save it, I'd take it. And hopefully one day, get back to feeling more confident and less embarrassed to get back into dating and being myself again. So fingers crossed that this ---- worked. Speaking of dating and love and all that stuff, to be completely honest, I've never been in a serious relationship. I know, what the ****? I was 28 and had no long term relationship experience. Why you ask? There's many reasons, but the main one being that I found it really difficult to find somebody where it all just clicked. But when I did, it was either bad timing, or it just never seemed to go both ways. That and I guess the journey of becoming a successful content creator sometimes requires the sacrifice of going out and meeting new people. But at the age of 28 on New Year's Eve, I unintentionally met a really lovely girl, and it became a serious long term beautiful unexpected feeling of my life. My first serious relationship. After so long wanting to find the right person, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I was finally experiencing what it was like to be fully in love. And it was a damn good feeling. Well, at least for a short term of a long term. Unfortunately, the bliss I thought to be permanent was only temporary. And as the months went by, we found we had too many conflicting differences. And the only way to stop the pain for both of us was to break up. My heart had been broken so many times throughout trying to bring back the feelings we first had. But it was a ---- feeling knowing that it took me years to find what so many others around me have been able to find almost effortlessly. And to be honest, that was the one thing I really looked forward to finding most in this life. And love sure as heck felt like a myth for me now. But deep down in the depths of my mind, I knew I was only being dramatic, and that I would eventually find my girl someday. Even though it was pretty shitty to experience these things during the COVID-19 pandemic, the pandemic also had some big silver linings. Being someone that was constantly editing videos, I never before had time to actually stop and think about the content I was making. The pandemic paused my work. And somewhere within the deep thoughts of my mind, I was able to think clearer and realized that I wasn't really enjoying the videos I was making as much as when I started. But I also didn't know why either. So I went back through my YouTube channel to figure it out. I went through the cinematic travel videos, vlogs, brand work, and the product reviews. Then I came across one of my first ever videos. It was about a pivotal moment in my life where I did what I thought was impossible for me and quit my full-time job as a cabinet maker to pursue a life of pure adventure, traveling the world, and making YouTube videos. A journey to escape the nine-to-five and become truly free outside the doors of the factory I worked at for five years, week in, week out. As I watched my old video, something clicked. And I think I just figured out what it was that was stealing my joy. You see, I love to tell stories, and especially ones that can have a big impact on others' lives. I also felt a deeper connection to my content when I was telling my own story and sharing it with the world. It had meaning, purpose. And somehow, this all disappeared amongst the brand partnerships that were too good to say no to at the time, and the endless pressure as a creator to pump out as many videos as possible in a specific genre to please the YouTube algorithm. I felt my videos no longer had the level of meaning as when I started. And the journey of that kid who left everything behind to live a life of adventure and share it with the world on YouTube had become lost. And I didn't realize until now that this was the most important part of me, and the channel. The feeling I was missing. My life had begun revolving around the videos that I was making when my videos should have been revolving around my life. So from that moment on, I decided that I would embrace my story once again. But there was also another huge problem I was facing on my new journey of content creation. Through the pandemic, I realized that the city I had called home my whole life was lacking heavily in opportunities for creators like myself to learn and grow. So how's the new video going? Yeah, it's going pretty well. It's just taking so long to make. Like, I organized something for it last week, but no one was free to help, so it's just a bit hard. I swear to God, Melbourne is the most frustrating place for a creator to do this stuff. There's just no one else doing the same thing, and barely anyone that's free that knows how to use a camera. Yeah, it's hard. There's literally no other creators here to collaborate and work with. I mean, there was Liam, Mike, and Hayden, but they did the smart thing of moving to Europe. You still thinking of moving to Bali? I'm actually really considering it. I mean, it sounds like a no-brainer. Bali's apparently full of creators. If I set up a home base there, I mean, one of the most beautiful places in the world. Also, I've been like an hour away from swimming with manta rays. It sounds too perfect. Plus, it'll be warm there. Warmer than here. Escape this winter. So there I was, considering moving from the place I called home my whole life. Back in the 9-5 grind, all I wanted was to find a way to escape it, so that I could be free and enjoy the nice sunny days that I often watched drift by at the factory doors. But what I never knew was, when I did eventually escape and made it out to enjoy those beautiful days and explore, there was almost nobody that I could share them with. And as a creator, I was quite alone in this city. As much as I loved Melbourne and had so many great memories here, I felt in order to succeed further on my journey was to be somewhere where there was more of a creative culture and creative opportunity. And Bali had been on my radar for a while now. But for now, it was just a plan. Then one morning I received a message from an old friend who was on my Iceland trip a few years ago before the pandemic. Annika. Hey Ben, hope you've been well. So my friends and I are planning a trip to Raja Ampat in early June for about two weeks. It's one of the most beautiful untouched places in the world. We're going to learn how to free dive and do some scuba diving. If you're not busy, you should really join us. It's going to be so much fun. If this wasn't a sign, I didn't know what was. But this was only two months away. And if I left, I wasn't planning on leaving for another six or so. However, I've learned that some of the greatest opportunities in life come before we are ready for them. It'll be 10 days in Raja Ampat. There's all these beautiful different islands. We're going to be free diving. We're not many places left where such an ecological system now exists for diving. So it's the best place to go. Ben, you just gotta come. Yeah, you have no choice. Really? Yeah, you're going to miss out if you don't come. It's going to be an adventure of a lifetime. So I decided that this would be it. A trip that would continue into a brand new life for me in Indonesia. And after everything I've been through in my last two years, free diving in a tropical island paradise with good company sure as heck sounded like a great way to start. Of course, with every life-changing decision we take, we must leave other parts of our life behind. In Melbourne, I had made some of the most amazing friends you could ever imagine. People that had shaped me and taught me so much about myself. Being there for me at my worst and my best. And it was super sad to know that I would soon be so far away from them. During the Melbourne lockdowns, I'd also been spending a lot more time with my parents. And I knew they'd be getting so used to having me around. And that it would be sad for them to see me go. I would also be distancing myself from my grandmother, who really enjoyed my visits to see her. And I'd have to say goodbye to my childhood family dog who'd been with me for 15 years. And that was a hard feeling to swallow. My pet possum who sleeps at the top pillar of my front door would also be dearly missed. Even though she's a wild animal, she's gotten to trust me so deeply over the years. And we've become good friends. Gonna miss you, dude. Would my new journey turn out the way I'd expected? I wasn't exactly sure. But at this point, any decision to leave was better than any decision to stay. And for once in a long time, I felt like I was back on the right path I'd meant to be on. And that was all that mattered. The travel restrictions and snap lockdown severely affected my quality of life here, making the last two years some of the hardest I'd ever faced. So this was a great chance to make up for my last two years and chase raw adventure in a paradise with so many other nomads doing the same. And I did really miss the island life. And even though I hadn't had much luck finding my somebody here, I was secretly hoping that maybe I would find her over there. Fix it. Packing is so much quicker with after effects. I'm feeling better now.