a personal video not about personal finance | struggling with postpartum anxiety

So I've been documenting my pregnancy journey on this channel, something kind of fun to do, but this video, I knew I had to do a fourth trimester video, and this by far is the hardest trimester out of out of all of it, and I'm not even pregnant anymore, and I wanted to take this time to just document this journey because where I'm at, I'm 13 weeks, almost 14 weeks postpartum. I wanted to document this so that I could look back on this three months from now, six months from now, a year from now, and just look at how far I've come because these last three months of Quinn's life has just been very hard, very hard, and in a world of where I see a lot of my Facebook friends with their birth announcements, with pregnancy announcements, and all the excitements, and all the monthly milestone posts that I see, very rarely do I see a post about what goes on behind those posts, what goes on when you are in your house alone with a baby and just navigating all those hormonal changes and just the changes in your life. When you go from two people, you go from zero kids to one kid. It's a huge change. It's a huge change to your lifestyle. I think the very first thing that really hit me when I when I came home from the hospital is just I was overwhelmed with the responsibility, the pure responsibility of taking care of another human life. And I remember crying when I put Quinn down for a nap, and I came back out in the living room, and I was just crying because I was like, this is the farthest I've ever been away from her, which just sounds crazy. But it was, and I was just so overwhelmed from the amount of kindness that I received from friends, and family, and people on social media. And it was just really, really cool to see people just reaching out, sending us congratulations, dropping food off at our door. It was just really, really, really sweet. But I have to say, the last three months of Quinn's life, I've cried a lot. I cried so much just from being overwhelmed and also learning after the first week of her her life that she had severe hip dysplasia. Now severe hip dysplasia actually occurs in one in ten female babies and first female babies. So if this is your first female baby, you have a higher chance of getting, of having hip dysplasia, and if you have a breech baby, you can also have a higher chance of having hip dysplasia. She wasn't breeched, she was head down, but they told me most likely she got hip dysplasia because of how she was packaged in the womb. And hip dysplasia means that her legs, the top of her legs, were completely dislocated from her hip sockets. So we've been in this Pavlik harness. I actually have one right here. It's just a wad of Velcro, but basically this thing keeps her legs spread out in a froggy style. And we've been in this hip harness for pretty much her entire life. After that first week, we've been in the harness, and I cried a lot just thinking about like, will she be able to crawl? Will she be able to roll over? Will she be able to walk? What if she needs surgery? And all of these things. And we've made a ton of improvement, but it was just so overwhelming as a first-time mom to think about this thing. Like, I don't want her to have any issues, and I don't want to have to explain myself when I'm out in public, like, what this Velcro contraption is. And I remember just, my mom came out the first two and a half weeks, and I just was sobbing. Sobbing, not only because of that, but also because breastfeeding was a big challenge for us. And you know what? When I was pregnant, I said, well, breastfeeding, yeah. Like, if it works, great. I'd love to do it for six months, but if it doesn't work out, that's okay. I was kind of indifferent about it, but when she was born, oh my gosh, the desire and like the pure urge to just like breastfeed my baby was like overwhelming. And the truth is, she was born five pounds five ounces, and she was just so tiny. She was a week early and also really small for being full-term, and she just wasn't latching. She wasn't picking up the coordination of breastfeeding, and so thus began a very hard journey of trying to get her to latch, doing multiple lactation consultant appointments, just feeling super engorged and like milk is coming in, and I like my body is responding and saying, yes, we're ready to go, and Quinn just not being able to get that coordination. And so I made the decision to pump, and I pumped for 12 weeks straight, and I was just bending over backwards trying to figure this out on top of hip dysplasia stuff, and when she's in that froggy position, it's hard to like get her comfortable while also keeping her legs open. So it was a journey, and I had tried nipple shields. I tried all of these things, and I made the decision to move forward with formula, and let me tell you, making that decision on how to feed your baby, especially for the first go-around, is stupid hard, and I was extremely emotional about it. I know what I'm doing now is best for me and Quinn because my mental sanity was definitely taking a hit, like my mental health was taking a hit because of how much I wanted breastfeeding to work, and it wasn't working. Quinn's been on formula for a couple weeks now, 100% formula, and she's doing great. She's doing just fine. She doesn't care. She doesn't know. That was more for me than it was for her. We also learned that Quinn had a strawberry birthmark, which is not uncommon for little babies to get, and generally those pop up, they're red, and then they go away on their own in a few years. Well, hers started to really start spreading and growing, and so it was concerning to the pediatrician. We went to dermatology, and they said, yeah, we're concerned that this is going to grow, and eventually those lesions can like break open and bleed, and I was like, oh my god. You know, we're already dealing with hip dysplasia. Now we're dealing with this hemangioma, and this dermatologist said there's a heart medication we can put you on that actually research has shown to reduce, shrink, and knock out these hemangiomas, and so now I'm making the decision like, oh my god, I've got to put my newborn baby on beta blockers. What? And so we did extensive research on this, and we said, yes, let's start this medication, and I can't tell you how much of a improvement we've seen over the last month, just the last 30 days that we've been on this medication, that how much that has improved. But again, you know, these obstacles and challenges that I did not foresee, on top of being a first-time mom dealing with sleep deprivation, you know, two to three hours, she's waking up in the middle of the night those first four weeks, and then, you know, by six weeks, we really did turn a corner on sleep, but even still, right now Quinn gives us a stretch of seven to eight hours of sleep at night, which is incredible, but it's me that's having a hard time going back to bed after I wake up to feed her, and it's all of that anxiety that I feel, like, what ifs, like, what about her hip dysplasia? Will her hips heal? What are we going to learn at the next appointment? And all of these things that I literally had to go out and buy some CBD to get myself to calm down, and that's how much I realized, like, I was having major postpartum anxiety, and how hard, how hard it is to take care of another human life, and don't get me wrong, I love Quinn, and I'm so happy. She's such a happy girl, and all of these things, Kyle's told me, he's like, it's just a little bit of Velcro that she has to wear. She just takes a little meds with her morning and nighttime bottle. That's it. Simple enough, and in the back of your mind, you're like, well, what if, what if, what if? And I have cried so much. In fact, I remember thinking that those first six weeks that she was here, my friends wanted to come out and visit, and I was like, I don't want them to come out to visit. I don't want them to see me like this, because I'm not me. I'm not here. I am just this sobbing, weepy mess, and I don't like it, and I want them to see happy Justine. And I know they don't give a ----, like, they love me for, for me, no matter if I'm crying, or if I'm happy, and I, and I, and here's what's fucked up about it, is that I know that something that helps me with my postpartum anxiety is being around people, and I need people. I don't want to feel lonely. And yet, I'm like, I don't want people to see me like this, and I remember, I, I FaceTimed my sister, and I was like, I hate crying all the time. I just want to stop. And she's like, what's wrong with crying? Sometimes you just need a good cry. It feels good to get that out. I was like, I guess I'm just viewing crying about this, about being a mom, and doing this chapter of life. I view crying as weakness, and she said, if roles were reversed, and I had a baby, I was calling you crying, what would you tell me? Would you say that I'm weak? And I was like, no, like, I would say that you're normal. You're normal, and this is a season, and it's temporary, and you will get through it, and there are other moms who have done just this, the same thing. My postpartum anxiety, and just like, the last three months of being a mom has been difficult for me to navigate, because I am an optimistic person. I'm usually a positive person, and so it's hard for me to be in the hole like this, and it's hard for me to, you know, just feel all of these emotions, and having all these hormonal changes. So I wanted to make this video, because I know that there are several of you out there that are about to go through this chapter, or have already gone through this chapter, and I want to make postpartum experiences more normal, and show that, hey, it's not always like loving your baby, and loving and enjoying every moment of it, which I've gotten plenty of people say, enjoy every second, it goes by so fast, and also, this ---- is hard, and it's difficult, and my anxiety has been through the roof, and it's been difficult for me to navigate my new life, and viewing myself as this different person. How am I still going to focus on my business, and take care of a newborn, and figure out like, what nanny am I going to bring in, that I'm going to be comfortable with, to take care of her while I'm working? All of these different things, and so I just wanted to shed a light that you're not alone, and it is hard, and some of the things that has helped me get through this is movement, literally moving my body, and using my body as a way to like release that anxiety, release those emotions. I've done that through yoga, strength training, and I just got cleared to do HIIT training by my pelvic floor PT. She's incredible. Visiting a pelvic floor physical therapist also is highly recommended for postpartum. Connecting with other mom friends. Literally, I've made two new mom friends here within the past couple of weeks, and it's been incredible. We go on stroller rides, we meet up, we text each other. I'm in part of a Facebook group. When I was in my hypnobirthing Facebook group, about five or six of us got into a private Facebook chat. We had all of our babies within a couple of weeks of each other, so we're going through this process together. I message them daily on Facebook chat, and we've never met. We've never met in real life, so it's really awesome. Also, calling my family, calling my best friend, texting my other mom friends, calling my other mom friends, and just being as transparent as I can to say that I'm having a tough day, and I'm having anxiety right now, and just talking through that. In fact, I texted my sister-in-law about this. I said, I'm having postpartum anxiety about, you know, just Quinn's issues, and she said, you know, the worry is never going to go away, no matter how old they are. You're always going to worry about them, but if you know that you are doing the best, the very best you can as a mom, that's all you can ask of yourself, so be proud of yourself. I was like, yeah, you're right. Like, I know I am doing the very best that I can. I'm absolutely doing what the doctors have told me to do, to make her hips better, to heal this strawberry birthmark, to do all these things. I'm following that direction, and I know I'm caring for her, and I know that she's fed, she has a clean diaper, and I'm meeting her basic needs, as my girlfriend Marina told me. If you're meeting their basic needs, that's all you can do, and if you can also meet their needs on an emotional level, and they're happy, that's great, too. That's all you can ask of yourself for the very first year. I will say that each week has gotten better and better, just a little bit, and Kyle and I have kind of adopted this thing of what are three good things that happened today, and kind of reflecting on the day like that, and that has helped. I just wanted to share this video because I think it's important that we talk about postpartum in the fourth trimester. Dude, it's hard. It's so hard. You're not alone, though. Whether you are a first-time mom or a first-time dad, because dads, their feelings are valid in this, too. You feel like, you know, your old life is just poof, gone, and there's a grieving process for that, and we all have to remember that they are only three months old for so long. They are only four weeks old for so long, like the two to three hour sleep stretches that you get will gradually increase. I know. I'm living proof of that because now she does seven to eight hours stretches of sleep at night, so it will get better. It will get better, and in three months from now, I'm really excited to see where we're at. I'm really, I'm really excited to see how we evolve as a family of three. Anyway, I love you guys. Thank you so much for being here. This channel is definitely all about personal finance, but I also wanted to share something personal that we are going through, and we're navigating our finances alongside all of these challenges. Definitely eating out more. Definitely have more doctor bills, medical bills that we're paying, and I want to be as transparent with you all as possible. Love you guys.