Be a Disappointment to Other People

Is there anyone in your life that you're afraid to disappoint? To let down? Or from time to time maybe you have found yourself letting somebody down and you feel really horrible about it? Well I'm going to talk a little bit about how we can think about letting people down and how bad a thing it is, right? And I'm going to propose something here and it is that we should be experimenting regularly with letting people down because it does feel uncomfortable. When we are in this persona of the nice guy, the nice person, there's going to be an awful lot of anxiety, there's going to be an awful lot of emptiness, there's going to be a lot of self-sacrifice, putting your own needs last, bottom of the list, doing things you don't want to do. And whenever we fall short of that, and that's a tall order to live up to, we're going to find ourselves right out of this good room of this persona, right into the bad room. I did a bad thing. You know, a lot of guilt and a lot of shame around that. What we want to start doing, if you're noticing that you have let somebody down, what we really start questioning is, I'm working with, is this whole idea that I did a bad thing. Oh I did a bad thing. Really, let me just sit with that. Let me examine how that belief is working for me here. Really start to do some inquiry into the, okay, is it true that I did a bad thing in this situation? Because we want to really get out of that shadow aspect of that guilt, right? What you'll actually find is this letting people down, this no that we say to other people, there are two really healthy ways to think about that. A no to other people is a yes to yourself usually, to you protecting some of those inner needs that need your attention, need your time and energy. And the other thing to think about it is saying no to people is an opportunity for you to test your relationship with them, to see what their maturity level is like with a no. Okay, maybe we don't always give a no, but we feel free to occasionally give a no when we feel we have to. So that's a real test. What type of people do I want in my life? Do I want people who I can't say no to, who react with negativity if I say no? Or do I want to surround myself with people who are mature enough to handle a no? Those are the types of people I want in my life. So this saying no, this disappointing people is a real opportunity for us. And we'll notice too, it's like when we feel like we've done this bad thing of letting somebody down, the degree of real negative feeling and guilt we have is so over the top for what has probably transpired. And that should be our first indication that, okay, there's something off here with this. Quite often these are legacy emotions from the past that we're experiencing, and that's why it feels so overwhelming and so intense. So yes, the first step, if you've done something wrong, if you've let somebody down, is to really go in and question some of that shadow stuff. But for the most part, what we really want to be doing is always questioning the underlying assumptions we have. We're carrying unconsciously all the time that I need to be a good person, I need to put other people's feelings ahead of my own. This is the persona that we typically occupy most of the time. We walk around with it. And that's the thing that gets us into trouble. That's the thing that means we constantly find ways to ignore our own emotional needs, taking care of ourselves. So I need other people's approval. I need them to like me. I need to please everybody. These are the things we deeply question. And we'll find the truth of the situation is actually I don't need their approval. I don't need anybody's approval. I need my own approval. This is the overlooked emotional needs for us. It's I need to start validating these needs. I need to start giving some time, attention and energy and focus and compassion to my own emotional needs. That's what really needs my attention. I can't let this down anymore. So this is just a quick video about the freedom that comes about challenging. This is really what we have to do is to challenge this story. If you are feeling like you're carrying that guilt or if you're carrying that insecurity, that anxiety and that emptiness of being a people pleaser all the time, it is one of the best things you can do for yourself to start questioning that, to really start to put yourself as your own priority in your life, to stop living your life for other people. We are not here to live life for other people. Essentially, we're here to serve our own destiny, whatever that is. And it's through not sacrificing that, that you can actually become of service to other people indirectly. But it's never ever about self sacrifice. Self sacrifice is not going to help you and it's not going to help the world at large. It's not going to help your loved ones either. This is a typical thing you'll see in parenting, for instance, where people will say, oh, you know, my child comes first all the time. And of course I understand that, but it's like, doesn't the child want to see their parent sort of self-actualize a little bit too, and to be inspired and not resentful in their life? I think that's essentially important. So the people pleasing thing, it's hardwired into us, it's coming from childhood an awful lot of time. And it's one of the best things that you can really proactively start to question. Question it daily. I need to keep other people happy. And we question that. The exact opposite belief there is, I need to keep myself happy. I need to make myself happy. And see how other people respond to you when you're in that frame of mind, when you're in that mindset. I know this is not new stuff I'm talking about here, but it's just one of those belief systems that are, it's a part of a belief system that is so ingrained in us that we really benefit massively from questioning that quite often in our life. I need to keep other people happy. Is that true? And I'll leave you with that, which is maybe, even if it's not right now in your life an issue, it's not an active concern for you right now, it's so hardwired into us that it's an assumption we carry and it just pops up again and again, scenario after scenario for us. It's this reflexive thing of putting other people's needs ahead of our own. So play around with some inquiry with that guys. And I think it'll bear a lot of fruit. Take care of yourself and I'll see you in the next video. Bye for now.