Episode 13_ Moments Healing Somewhere That Hurt You

Hello my beautiful people and welcome back to the moment podcast I have missed you guys and I'm so glad that we're back in action, but Recording this episode is so weird for me right now because my whole family is here from like New York and they're all inside Right now and I'm sitting in my van recording and I just keep thinking that people can hear me and I know that they can't But but if you've been listening for a while, you know that that weirds me out Like I can't listen to my own voice and I can't stand what other people can hear me talking Yet I have a podcast that doesn't make that much sense But some things in life just don't make sense and that's okay But some of you guys may know that I'm going back to Hawaii in Less than a week from now Which is insane because when I originally went to Hawaii, you guys don't know that whole story Let me just give you some rundown. I was supposed to go out there for like two and a half months Like two months and Two weeks into that trip literally not even a full 14 days into that trip to Hawaii I ended up signing a year lease my parents were like no don't do that. Like what if things change in six months? I'm like, no, I never want to leave here. It's perfect. It's amazing It's the best place on earth, which it is, but I said no I'm signing a year. So that's what I did I signed a year lease. I was out there for six months almost seven I Came home once in that time period just for Easter And because I had to pay taxes, you know fun fun stuff But overall I really just randomly decided one day that I was I don't know why I thought it was a good idea I really don't know why I thought it was a good idea to move 5,000 miles away from my home when the first time I went away to college Which was a seven hour drive from my home. I got homesick and came home once a month I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking there, but honestly in Hawaii But I did struggle with like a lot of other things my mental health over there was not it at first Everything was great and dandy because well, I mean anything new in life is great and dandy and everything's exciting when you first get into it But after being out there for a while, I just got into a really really really bad headspace And I was really struggling to find the good around me which when I was going through it I wasn't really aware of how I was feeling. I don't even know how to put it into words, but my emotions were so Unable to process because I was spending all this time on like the most beautiful place ever Going to the beach all the time Living out my dream kind of I've always wanted to run away to an island I've always joked about it forever and ever and I did and I thought when I got out there was gonna be perfect forever But sometimes that's just not how life works. I Found myself the most insecure I've ever been in my whole life. I was so anxious all the time I was trying to keep up with work, but also trying to keep up with my social life I was living with new people. I was making new friends I didn't have any of my comfort people with me and it was just tough really tough to navigate and I don't think that it's something that's very talked about like even when your outside environment is perfect You can still struggle with your mental health and a lot of people won't get that And a lot of people will just say Get over it. Just go outside. Look how beautiful it is But I think that we all know that sometimes we don't have control over the way that our our mind works and what our brain does Especially when we let it get to a point where we're so far gone By the time we realize that we need to make a change and I think that that's what happened to me in Hawaii For so long. I was trying to hide my emotions and pretend that I was fine and pretend that everything around me was great and that I was as happy as I've ever been until it got so bad that I Couldn't do it anymore. There was a point when I was out there and Lisette my best friend if you guys have listened all the podcasts you guys know my Lisette She came out and we had so much fun But my mental health was just already so far down the drain that not even her visiting me healed me Which is what I thought I needed and it definitely helped don't get me wrong but at that point I was so burnt out from work and stress that when I did finally allow myself to like have fun I Had a new thing to stress about And it's all very hard to explain. I've definitely processed my emotions now, which is why I'm even able to talk about it because for a really long time It was really hard for me to talk about what I felt like there because again people are just like you were in Hawaii You have nothing to complain about and I'm not complaining. I I don't have anything to complain about I had a really really incredible time but my mind just didn't for a few months all that being said I am doing this podcast episode and Since it's my last episode that I'm recording at home I think I might squeeze in one more at home just so I don't have to stress about getting one recorded right when I get back but I wanted to Just talk about Going back to a place that hurt you or learning to heal in a place that hurt you or moving backwards I don't exactly know what I'm gonna title this episode yet but I know that a lot of people were very interested and a lot of people have the same struggle on like a different level whether it's going back to college or coming home from college or So many different things but I know that there's a lot of people out there who have had to feel like they're moving backwards and It's really just going somewhere That you've already been but as a completely different person and honestly, we're gonna talk through this one together Because I haven't done it yet So it's not like I have all this crazy great advice on how to do it But I do have ideas and there are things that I've written down That I personally think are gonna help me through this next little chapter of my life, and I just want to share them. I Also am NOT gonna make this episode too long because like I said earlier my whole family's inside and I'm only recording today because I have to And I definitely want to go spend some time with them, even though I love spending time with you guys just as much You know what? I mean? Also, this is super random, but it's really cool to see how much more Casual and normal it is for me to go record an episode like when I first started doing this podcast. I Would get so worked up and so anxious to go record and now I just feel as though it's part of my everyday life. I Just say bye fam. I'm going to the van to record and they're like, okay Really random thing, but it's really cool to just see Your dreams become a reality and then just see them become a part of your life And this goes back even to when I first started making tik-toks Now making tik-toks for me is just something I do every day. It's not something I think about it just happens Random thing to think about it's cool. And it's a really fun thing to experience. Anyways, I've been rambling on for like seven minutes now Let's just let's hop into the real stuff. I want to talk about Here I go again with saying Something about your mindset, but hear me out. Okay. I know I say it over and over and over again and I will continue to do It but when I first went out to Hawaii, I went with the mindset that I was just going on this vacation I knew I was gonna work. I knew I was gonna do content, but at the time Social media was my job But not to the extent that it is now When I first went out there, I was getting a couple brand deals Every so often but really I was just taking pictures all the time and making tik-toks It wasn't sustainable and I wasn't doing it as a job Yet. I also was I Don't know but while I was in Hawaii I grew a lot on on all across all platforms and It became much more of a reality for me that if I want this to be something that is A consistent income and that can be my job. I'm going to have to put the work in But it became really hard for me to shift that mindset when I had originally went there With the mindset that it was just for fun And I think that my mind just got very conflicted and very confused and it just led me into a lot of stress and a lot of anxiety and A lot of times why things happen or why they're connected is unexplainable And if you've ever struggled with any of these things, you know what I mean when I say that You often just find yourself asking yourself. Why can't you just turn this off? Why are you feeling this and It's not always that simple Sometimes we have to take a lot more steps to heal those things and heal those emotions and figure out how to work through them But the grass does get greener, but it gets greener where you water it that being said if you're going somewhere that That's hurt you in the past or that you've struggled with in the past or you're going somewhere new Honestly, whatever you're doing The most important thing That I'm I want you to take away from all of this is that you have to shift the mindset And this is something that I still find myself struggling with because what will happen is I'll shift this mindset I'll get super excited super happy I'll be super aware of what I'm gonna focus on what I'm gonna do what I'm gonna accomplish and then I'll have this flashback my body I'll physically feel it and I'll go back to the emotions that I felt at times when I was out there and Then my mindset will go back to the negative and It's just taken me a lot of Practice to keep the mindset the positive mindset consistent So by that I just mean your mindset isn't gonna change overnight It's gonna take time. You're gonna have to remind yourself over and over and over again What you're gonna work on what you're gonna accomplish and what you're gonna do and how to think on the bright side Therefore my mindset going into Hawaii this time is That I am NOT that version of myself that I was in the past That is a version of me that I still love and I appreciate and she helped me learn a lot But that is not who I am now. I Feel as though I have evolved so much mentally and that's what I need to continue to remind myself that I am NOT Her anymore and that that chapter is closed And that I have healed So Take that as you will Take whatever you want from it But personally, I think that that's the biggest thing and the most important thing to do if you're going Anywhere, you haven't been before or you know what? I mean? This is kind of a weird episode to explain because I know that it relates to a lot of people just kind of in a different way Like it's a very versatile episode if that makes any sense, but I Only know how to explain it in the way that I'm going through it anyways, the next thing I have written down is that I need to really make a schedule for myself and It's something that I've always struggled with I don't know if you guys have ever done the anagram test or the personality type test, but if you have I'm I'm a seven. I think I've mentioned this in another episode, but I have the brain of a squirrel I don't do well with structure or with plans And I'm very tight-beat very go with the flow Each day is its own day. I'm just gonna do whatever Whatever life throws at me That's just the kind of person I am but in certain and it's easy for me to be that person when I'm at home Because honestly when I'm at home, I don't really hang out with anyone unless it's like a break in Lisette's home But other than that, I'm just hanging out with my family And a friend here or there to me maybe once every couple weeks I've also learned that I'm definitely a lot more of an introvert than I used to be in high school I don't know if that's happened anyone else, but that's what happened to me so Moving forward when I go back to Hawaii, I'm not gonna be in the same kind of setting I'm going to be surrounded by people all the time number one because I live with two girls We have friends who are gonna be out there too and probably gonna crash at our place every once in a while So I have to really focus on making a schedule for myself I have to know that when I wake up I have to do this this and this and this this and that and then I can have some free time to do Whatever life throws at me And obviously I haven't applied that yet. I haven't done it So I don't know how it's gonna go, but it's something that I've had to keep reminding myself. I know it's different But it's what you have to do in this setting as life goes on. We have to just adapt to it because Change is inevitable and it's gonna happen And if you want to grow and learn and experience life and step out of your comfort zone Change is gonna happen and it's gonna have to happen and sometimes it's gonna be great and sometimes it's gonna suck That's just how life goes And I think at this point we all know that we've all been through something And we're all gonna go through more super random thought again, I Have a friend of mine, she's in high school she's just been a really good family friend when she's dealing with a lot with like a boyfriend high school stuff and It's been absolutely crushing her and it brought me to think about things that happened to me in high school that absolutely crushed me that I thought I could never come back from and I compare them to the things that have happened to me now or to what's gonna happen to me in the future And it just leaves me mind alone I'm like that thing in high school that I was so worried about that made me miserable that made me so depressed and so stressed I don't even think about it anymore. It is not a part of my life or my life story whatsoever and it's given me hope for when crappy things do happen like buying a van that doesn't work and Being a lot of money in debt eventually It's not gonna be a thought in my head because it's gonna it's gonna get handled and it's gonna pass and Yeah, not exactly sure where I was going with that I'm definitely a little bit all over the place today just because now I know there's people in my backyard and I know they still can't hear me, but I Just get weirded out, but we're stepping out of our comfort zone in 2022 and I'm a big girl and I can handle this next thing on my list boundaries this is a really big one for me because I have a tendency to be a people pleaser and with that sometimes comes Difficulties, I let people walk over me a lot just because I want to see other people happy Saying that out loud is so like cringy. I think I I don't know that I've ever said that out loud, but it's true. I Tend to let people hurt me if it's what makes them happy I'm also scared of people scared of people and am very easily intimidated and I'm really bad at confrontation. So if anyone's like that, too We're in this together That being said I I need to set boundaries for myself, which also kind of goes into the schedule thing I have to know okay. I can't do this Just because this person is doing this or just because this person wants me to do this I have to realize what I need to do and what I need to focus on because I Have to keep myself the number one priority and I did not do that last time. I listened to Everything that anyone told me I did what people told me I I just I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what planet I was living on I don't know why I was doing that and at the time I thought it was normal and I looked back on the way that I acted and Like how I was treated and in some scenarios, I'm like, what the heck Why why did I allow that and I think that this time not that I'm going with a wall built up or a guard But in a way I am and I'm not letting people get through to me this time. I don't care What negativity? Comes around I'm not putting up with it It's really just as simple as that and it also here I go again comes back to your mindset I can't go into it with the mindset that That that's gonna happen again. What I'm trying to do is go in with the mindset that it's not and Just see what that does and see if it helps But boundaries are important and it's something that I'm still coming to learn and I'm still very bad at like setting boundaries But I'm definitely a lot better than I was and I think I found a lot more security in myself lately That if I do need to confront someone or stand up for myself, I feel that I'd be more capable I Guess we'll find out Hopefully we don't have to you know moving on time alone This is a good one because I know there's a lot of people who hate time alone And there's a lot of people who need time alone. I would classify myself as one of those people who definitely needs time alone. I enjoy Drinking my coffee all alone in the morning or going to the sunrise and having a dance party or reading at night or Or just eat my breakfast all alone and speaking of breakfast I Found a new cereal that I'm actually obsessed with it's called magic spoon And if you saw my Instagram story the other day, that's what cereal was a bunch of people were asking But it's actually so good and it's so healthy and it makes me feel like a little kid again And you can never go wrong with feeling like a little kid The cereal is called magic spoon and get this it has zero grams of sugar 13 or 14 grams of protein and only four net carbs in each serving and it's also only 140 calories So you can eat as much of it as you want and not have to feel bad about it even better It's keto friendly and it's gluten free and it's grain free and it's soy free and it's low carb And they have a variety pack. So the four flavors are cocoa fruity frosted and peanut butter Now what I decided to do the other day was mix the cocoa and the peanut butter and it felt like I was having Reese's Puffs I ate it with some almond milk right after the gym and I got that protein, baby I got that protein without having to drink like some nasty protein shake and get this I can get you guys $5 off if you're listening to this I want you to go to magic spoon comm slash moments to get yourself a variety pack and try it today Please you guys seriously are not gonna regret it at all and make sure you use the promo code moments for five dollars off your order Also, I love this magic spoon is so confident in their product But it's even back with a hundred percent happiness guarantee So if you don't like it for whatever reason they'll refund your money. No questions asked and guys I mean it when I say it's actually so good. Okay, I'm gonna tell it to you guys one more time but remember to go get your next delicious bowl of guilt-free cereal at magic spoon comm slash moments and use moments to save $5 and thank you to magic spoon for sponsoring this episode No, you guys because I genuinely mean I've been eating that cereal for the past three days and I think about it all the time Multi-pot multiple times a day for that matter But getting back into it. I need to organize when I'm gonna have time alone Whether it's in the morning or the afternoon or at night I'm a big believer that alone time is what heals the mind And it's one thing to not like enjoy being alone or to get more energy from being around people But if you're struggling with being alone, I can promise you that what you need the most is alone time A lot of people fear being alone Because we get so in our heads and we think so much about our thoughts and our feelings And a lot of people want to avoid those emotions So they avoid being alone where they're kind of forced to think about that But what I would advise for you to do if you find yourself in that position and what I learned to enjoy and being alone Was writing down all those thoughts and feelings because when you keep them in for so long They're never gonna pass through you have to get them out whether it's speaking it or Or writing it But you can't just think it there's so much more power when you when you physically get something out of your mind So I want you to try that next time you're in your room at night alone or whenever Start writing start journaling. You guys know I always preach by journaling It's the best And I'm saying that from personal experience. I promise I'm not just making this stuff up you guys Journaling has actually started to change the way I see the world even more like I didn't really think That it could and it did so just trust me on that one. Okay, and one day I know I've said this in a bunch of episodes I am gonna design that journal and it is gonna be the best guided journal. You guys have ever seen in your life I believe it. I Want to put prompts in there and in quotes and inspiration all that stuff Anyways, we'll get into that at a later date. The next one I've written down is just having healthy coping mechanisms When I was in Hawaii the first time around I don't think I did I don't think I knew what a coping mechanism was and I think any of the ones I had were probably unhealthy But in my eyes healthy coping mechanisms mean going for a walk and Just having set things that I do for myself if certain feelings come around like if I feel a lot of anxiousness. I Think a good idea would be to make it a plan to go for a walk anytime. I feel that common feeling of anxiousness and If it's stress, maybe the coping mechanism is to listen to music and have a dance party I just want to have things that are assigned to each feeling Just to give myself a little bit more structure versus feeling an emotion and then not knowing how to handle it or not knowing what I'm supposed to do and obviously I can go off of that if I need to Like it's not gonna be required for me to go to go for a walk every time. I'm anxious Maybe I want to go swim, but you guys I think you you're picking up what I'm putting down Something To help me get past whatever it is that I'm feeling Preferably things that I know have made me feel better in the past And the next thing I have written down is have people to talk to What I do when my mental health is really bad is completely isolate myself And I don't really talk to anyone even my mom my friends even my mental health is good I don't really call my friends, which is something I'm working on. It's one of my New Year's resolutions but one thing I learned from being in such a low mental state is that People actually do want to talk to you and they actually do care about you and I don't know why it's so common for so many of us to just start to isolate when we feel upset instead of Trying to talk to someone and I think it's because we don't want to feel like a burden Looking back at how all my emotions and how everything played out. I really do think that that's what it was I didn't want to come off as someone who complains or someone negative or Yeah, I just didn't want to feel like a burden so I didn't talk to anyone But six months later, I realized that I should have talked to someone anyone Because there were people out there who wanted to talk to me and I just decided to push them away And I know I've been in the headspace That feels like no one wants to talk to you and no one cares about you But I'm also just here to tell you that that's not true, that's you being in your head, it's you overthinking everything and I can only say that so confidently because I know that exact feeling and I've Grown from it and I'm not there anymore. So just trust me trust me Nothing that I ever tell you guys or give you advice on is something that I don't feel confident in sharing So just know that I Just want to see us all happy. I think that that's really that's really it Now the next one I have written down is learning how to say no and the one after that is learning how to say yes Contradict each other just a little bit but one of my struggles I think I've already talked about this briefly is that I didn't say no to people I did whatever anyone asked me to do. I really didn't think twice. I just thought it was you know, what I was supposed to do Until my mental health was so far gone and I realized that there was a lot of things I should have said no to to just focus on myself and what I actually wanted to be doing But obviously in the moment, it's a lot harder to do that All of these things are so much easier said than done and we all know that But still it's worth a shot Now as far as the learning to say yes This goes back into play with stepping out of your comfort zone. There were a lot of opportunities I had in Hawaii to do photo shoots with new people or go on hikes with different people or meet new friends out there and I never did and I think that that's because I was really insecure With myself and I didn't think that people were gonna like me And then when I wouldn't meet new people I would forget how to be myself because I was just so insecure and I lacked so much confidence That I get super anxious and that still happens sometimes whenever I meet new people my social anxiety just spikes up like an insane amount And when I when I tell that to people a lot of people like what do you mean? You post so much of your life on the internet and you overshare like a crazy person I'm like, yeah, but not in person like not in real life. Not when I first meet someone so that's also another thing that I'm working on is just being secure enough with myself to Beat the social anxiety and just be able to be myself in front of new people and Kind of just stop caring what they're gonna think of me because that's what really sets me back Was trying to be good enough for someone else. And the last thing that I wrote down on my iPad is To work on being confident in myself in the place that hurt me and It's one thing that stresses me out a little bit freaks me out a little bit is that I've gotten to a place This is a little bit vulnerable I know that all of this is but for me I think it's harder for me to say this out loud because I don't want to think about it But I know that someone else out there is feeling it too. I have gotten so confident in myself in this setting Being home being with my friends from home being with my family. I'm very comfortable here I'm very aware of who I am but I'm going back to somewhere in the last time I was there I Was so miserable. I Wouldn't look in the mirror. I Would take 10 hours to figure out what I was gonna wear because I felt gross and everything and I never liked what I looked like I had social anxiety to an extreme because I never liked what I looked like and So many other things a lot of personal things that I'm not gonna share about my experience in Hawaii I mean overall you guys know it was just a lot of a lot of mental stuff That kind of came out of nowhere and hit me like a truck but that's just life that's how it goes sometimes and We learn and we grow every day Okay, I'm gonna wrap this up because I hear my family now right outside the van Which means I'm getting super stressed out, which means we're just gonna cut this here but I'm very excited to Record an episode for you guys when I get there and just kind of take you through this journey with me because I know that I'm gonna learn so much along the way and especially When I get back, we're gonna see if all of these things helped me hurt me. We're just gonna see okay, we're in this together But I want you guys to know that I love you and I appreciate you and I'm so grateful And I actually am thinking I might record one more episode at home So we'll talk again before I'm in Hawaii But then the next one after that we will be in Hawaii and I'm gonna have a bunch of awesome People come on the podcast when I'm there. I know you guys know miss Ava Jules She's one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. She's gonna come on here Then I'll do a little roommate we're gonna do a lot you guys are gonna meet a lot of people and I'm really excited to start having guests on the podcast again besides my mom and Lisette because Obviously they're gonna come on they're like my favorite people in the world But yeah, I love you guys, and I'm grateful for you guys And if you didn't know we are still number three on the Spotify charts for education. Isn't that crazy? I think it's crazy. I've been scared to check the charts because when we first Launched the podcast we were up there Like we were number nine number six on Spotify top podcast in the country I've been scared to check ever since because obviously in the beginning more people listen than they do now So if you're still here, I freaking love you. Thank you for holding on tight It's only gonna get better from here I promise but I just thought that that it was really really amazing and I'm so appreciative of you guys listening and supporting and if You haven't already go follow the podcast on Spotify go leave a rating on Apple podcast That would be that would mean the most to me if you guys want to go do that because I don't know it's just awesome seeing how many people rate it and like leave a message and Anyways, I'm rambling I'm just getting stressed out that people can hear me. So I will talk to you next Monday I love you, and I hope that you guys have a beautiful day and I hope that you're smiling and I hope you know That everything's gonna be just fine every little thing That you're struggling with is going to pass Start looking forward to the future and living in the moment. Okay. I love you. Goodbye