The First Rule of Charisma

What are these six charismatic mindsets? First one is, no matter what, I will be okay. And I'm feeling nervous on the way to this conversation that we're going to have. I'm in the car getting over here. I'm thinking, do I need to prepare? No matter what, I'll be okay, right? I go in here, and this is true in any social scenario. We can often bring life or death stakes to the interview, to asking the girl out, to whatever it is. Literally just saying the phrase in your head yourself, no matter what, I will be okay, has this calming, clarifying thing that helps you focus on what you actually want to do and get out of this circumstance, and helps you stop focusing on how do I be safe? Because how do I be safe is how do I do less? How do I say less? And just kill any chance of connection, right? So that's the first one. Second, I care more about my character than my reputation. It's very easy. For you in that moment to, oh shoot, what are people going to think? The optics of this are not good. The leadership that you demonstrated by not just disagreeing, but by revealing your character will pay dividends, not just in how you guys handle optics. It teaches everyone on the team what matters, which is fundamentally the character, what is the case, not what looks like it is the case. The third one is I have impeccable honesty and integrity. And you can see how exactly what we were talking about is like, well, not really. There's ways in which power moves, not always following honesty and integrity. But when I think of that deeper form of charisma, the kind where like Socrates, Jesus, the people that are not just charismatic for a time, but are charismatic forever. And we look to as paragons of who we want to be and have this leadership quality that is not just transactional, but moves people to become better versions of themselves, which is ultimately what I aspire to. And I suppose I've used charisma in two different terms. One is, can you influence? And the other is, do you awaken the best in people? If we're using that second term, I am honest and I have high integrity is fundamental to that. Because what I found is that even if you tell small lies, for instance, you're running late, you text your friend, I'm on the way. You're not on the way. You got to brush your teeth. You got to get ready. You train this learning in yourself that is sometimes I lie. Sometimes I'm not to be trusted. And when you lie, sometimes you hurt your ability to speak with conviction all the time. Because there's some part of your brain that is going, am I telling the truth? Am I saying the real thing? Because sometimes I don't. And so it influences your capacity to influence with conviction and for people to know that you stand by your belief. What's really interesting, exactly what you've said, I noticed in a friend of mine, and I had to say, we're really great friends and we've been friends for a long, long time. I can't trust you because I see you telling small lies to other people. That's so brave of you. Which makes me think that you tell, when you speak to me, I have to figure out what the truth is. And this is something which I think ties into point three here, which is if you observe someone willing to tell tiny lies to other people, even exaggerating stories knowingly, when you know the truth, you know that X didn't happen, you go, oh my God, maybe the things they tell me as well aren't true. Yeah, so it erodes it in all different places. One of the things that I didn't catch early on that you just brought up was, I sometimes had like, there were things that I wouldn't say. Like I wouldn't have that conversation with a friend. I wouldn't bring that to them. And that is a lapse in integrity because that's, look, I have this opinion. I have this feeling. You're someone I care about, but I'm not going to say it to you because I don't want to create friction or I don't want to do this. I'm not going to lie to you about it. I'm not going to tell you I trust you implicitly, but I'm just not going to bring it up. It took me nine years to get to that point with this person. It's hard. It's very hard. But when you do that, God, it is such a deep form of love. It is such a deep form of respect and it respects the deepest part of that person, which is, I know that these are your behaviors, but there's a you in there that is deeper than these habits that you have. And I want to speak to that person because I want you to know that I would like to connect with you and I would like to trust you, but I can't because of this. I think that is an aspect of friendship that is often overlooked, which is you've got your friends that you have fun with. You've got your friends that celebrate you. Which friends do you have that will lovingly pull you aside and tell you these sorts of things? There are usually vanishingly few. And when you get them, if you're someone who watches this show, probably it's deeply appreciated, especially when it's done in a loving and respectful way. So when you can be that for someone else, it's like, yeah, it's a relationship maker. But you're right in what you said earlier. I have to be the one that leads with it. What's that phrase you used? That's the sixth one. Yeah. So number four. I don't need to convince anyone of anything. Yeah. So a lot of times we think, I need this girl to like me. I need to make the sale. If this employee joins the company, it's going to be great. You know, I need this particular individual to like me. All the tips and tricks and mindsets and whatever it is that we're talking about today, I hope you take broadly to your life to increase the percentage, to increase the odds that are something good. But with any particular individual, you do not want to drop into convincing them. You want to live invitationally to people. There's an invitation to connect. There's an invitation to sell. I'm willing to go there and tell you more about the product. I'm willing to share more about the things that I care about. But when you get stuck on convincing people, they feel that there's something missing in you that needs something from them, right? And when you do that, particularly with loose connections, it's very alienating. Now there are times when it's, this isn't about convincing, where it's appropriate in a relationship with like a husband and a wife to communicate clearly your needs. This doesn't mean you convince them, but it means you do state what you're wanting and needing in the relationship. But there is like convincing is when you won't drop it, when you won't put it down, that you won't accept someone's answer as it is. And much more important than convincing is filtering. You could have tried to convince everyone in your initial friend group that they should all be entrepreneurs, they should all do this, and you'd still be there today working on getting the next person to agree and you'd have no businesses and no podcast. But when you stop trying to convince and you reveal yourself, make invitations, I'm going this way, who would like to come with me? I'm selling this product, who would like to buy it? Yes, I'm going to learn how to talk about it in a compelling and interesting way that speaks directly to your problems. I'm not going to convince you, so much more powerful. This is like a pretty incredible sales tip. I was thinking about even on marketing copy when you're trying to sell something, if you're trying to force it down someone's throat versus inviting them if they're the right type of person for it to give it a try. And it's the long game too. Like the short game is I need to make rent this month, I need to make a sale. And we all have situations in our life where we feel that pressure. But if you build your business or your relationships from this level, if I'm not going to convince anybody, the sustainability of them is so much better because now you don't have relationships that require you to be like, come on, come out tonight. You know you want to, you want to do that. You have people that opt in when they want to and can step aside when they don't. And your relationships flow much more organically when you drop the convincing. With or without you energy. Yes. People talk about that. Yes. Invitation. Yeah. Invitation energy. So the fifth is that I proactively share my purpose. And I think this podcast sets people up to do that in an excellent way. But this is where I talk about early in the interaction. There's so many times where we just don't talk about what we care about. We talk about the small talk. We talk about the weather or the baseball team. Making sure that you are sharing with people the things that you care most deeply about and that you're here to do is so powerful. So high charisma. I believe high charisma. If you think, I don't know if you remember the show that was very influential to me. There were these guys that buried life a long time ago when MTV used to run TV shows. And they were guys who had this, their own bucket list. And on every episode, they would go scratch an item off of their bucket list. And at the end, they would help a stranger in the street. They would say, what's an item on your bucket list? And they would do that with them. And in their second season, one of their bucket list items was play basketball with Obama. And so they walked around Washington DC and just said, Hey, we have this thing where the buried life, we want to play basketball with Obama. We're trying to prove that you can live your dream. Can you help? And I just went bang, bang, bang down the line. And within like three days, they're in a Senator's office, right? Just from sharing, this is what I'm doing. This is what I care about. Can you help? They didn't have anything to exchange. They didn't have anything other than the participation in a dream. And when you are connected to your dream, like the real one, not the one that's like, I want to make enough money, but the one that is, oh my God, that's like, I want to prove to people that anything is possible and it's real. People like to participate in that. They like to give help in order to do that. So what wound up happening is that the Senator reached out, they set up a meeting and Barack flaked. He didn't, he flaked. He didn't show he had something come up. So they aired the episode and they never got to play with him. Except episode airs, Barack's in the White House with MTV on in the background. And he sees these guys, the buried life, talking about how they want to play basketball with Obama. And he contacts his aide. He says, why haven't I played basketball with these guys yet? And the same aide who had heard, he said, well, you had something come up that day. We couldn't do it. He says, get them out here. And so they went and they played basketball at the White House with Barack Obama. And it came from just sharing their purpose with people. Is that what manifestation is? I think if manifestation is just thinking happy thoughts and waiting for them to happen, that to me is wishful thinking. But yeah, if it's putting your energy and your intent and your request for support behind the thing that is most important to you, that's the reality of manifestation. And I think that's why a lot of people like Conor McGregor, when they hit these places, they talk about the power of manifestation, I think are often misinterpreted because it's not just seeing it or thinking about it. It's putting your full life force behind it, reaching out, asking for help and contributing your part of the pie as well. I love that. Yeah. I love that. It's really, really important. Number six. We've said this one before. I go first in humanizing the interaction. Humanizing the interaction? Yes. Which is to say, whenever you're with a group of people, there is an expected social norm, right? And it is usually less than people wish that it was. It's the thing that you described earlier is I wish that my employees would get to what's really going on. And it's the ability to be the first one. Like I told the story about my brother who cracked the joke about the dragon name tag, right? And that made everybody in the event funnier. Now they don't want to crack jokes and they don't want to be playful. It's the ability to give a compliment first. Sometimes people are afraid that it'll disrupt their status if they're too complimentary. And we did talk about how at the beginning of an interaction, it's useful to establish fun, trust and respect, but then feel free to pour it on, right? Compliments and then vulnerability, right? Going first, sharing the vulnerable thing. There's a fine line, of course, between trauma dumping and just outpouring without checking if the other person is with you and wanting to go there with you. But yeah, to dive into the thing that is unsettled in you or that hurts or that you're working on and you're not sure about, man, we go there first. It's like the room transforms around that. It's like, everyone's like, oh, me too. Yeah, I'm also struggling. Yeah, I also wish we could laugh more. Yeah, I also am really, I love that person's sense of style, but didn't want to be weird and say so. So when you go first in humanizing interaction, it is the essence of leadership. So if you're interested in the fastest way that I know of to make this stuff effortless, you might be interested in my course, Charisma University. You get full details at the link here. But basically, if you like the YouTube channel and charisma, confidence, building respect is a priority for you, I highly encourage you to click the link, check it out, learn more and maybe join. Either way, I hope that you have enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.