Shocking PTSD-like Symptoms After Being Cheated On!

what about if someone has been cheated on in a previous relationship what should you look out for in dating someone who has been cheated on by someone else well that's a really good question gosh you're really you're really nailing these questions trying to set you up for the success of the rest of the interviews you'll do with the hardest questions up front yeah no I think these are excellent and uh and is there any research on that or how to approach how to approach a potential partner where in the first few days they say you know what I've been cheated on a lot in my past and it's a big concern of mine and I have a lot of worries you're not going to cheat you're not going to do this you know or someone who's had that type of trauma yeah how should you approach entering a relationship with someone's been cheated on well you're already signaling it's it's very perspicacious of you to notice that in your imitation you're performing reassurance seeking which is a behavior that's very commonly exhibited by people who have been cheated on right so you know you go through your r this is like a typical kind of romantic career everything you know you're you're dating someone in high school dating some people in college da d d and then you're you're never even thinking of the possibility that you could get cheated on and then you you know see a text pop up on your partner's phone and it's like oh my go and then you find out whatever D D and that's a traumatic event for many people I mean it's a betrayal Well it Well I'll even go so far as to say traumatic just because it's certainly a betrayal but to take it to kind of into the psychological space PTSD is generally term only assigns to physical threats and it's kind of unclear whether you can really categorize infidelity that way but the symptoms of PTSD are so common right such as reassurance seeking ruminating Etc are so common among people who have been cheated on that some psychologists have coined the term and used the term P SD right post infidelity stress disorder wow right my advice here would be to proceed with caution and understanding and Goodwill that you're dealing with someone if you don't know what that's like you're dealing with someone who is dealing with something quite um quite severe and this is another thing that I just want to know I mean I see I mean you might be mercifully tucked away from this corner of the internet but there's a whole corner of the internet right now that's like men cheating is fine women cheating is not and it's like we we've we've done the research on this and women who get cheated on are often severely traumatized right like about half of women who and in some studies more than half of women who are paired with men who are Unfaithful exhibit these symptoms right so to say just callously like oh it's different you know some nonsense about you know a key that opens many locks versus you know some some stupid platitude and it's like what a what a careless thing to say about the uh about the feelings of the women that you're with and you know I just wonder like do these men even have mothers the way they the way they speak about these things wow wow I'm curious what is what we should be more cautious of getting into a relationship with someone who cheated before or getting into a relationship with someone who's been cheated on well I would be more cautious about I would be more cautious about the worried about but it depends what your concerns are if you're worried about being with someone who's completely like if someone who's got PD and they're struggling with that and and they can never trust the person they're with and they're always stressed and anxious and they're always ruminating and reassurance and where are you and yeah that's not attractive after a while no it's a isue it's a huge you might feel exhausted and you be like I don't want to be this person yeah if they can't trust me if they're always checking where I'm at if they're always calling me saying FaceTime me where are you who are you with who is that person that's not a a sex quality in a mating partner and so is that a bigger red flag if someone who hasn't dealt with I'm not saying it's okay what they went through yeah but if they haven't processed and and started to heal that is that more of a red flag versus someone who you know in their previous relationship cheated on their partner you've made such good points here and some research on this yeah well it cuz my gut reaction was obviously I don't want I'm thinking yeah I'm like oh I don't want to be cheated on so I'm going to go with that but you've brought up a good point I don't even know if I should share this but there okay in I believe it was in the same study that I'm referencing um about you know once a cheater always a cheater that kind of thing and there's also indicative evidence and you know it's just one study so let's not yes let's not go to the bank on it you're really you want to look for you know cumulative bodies of research when you're assessing a finding but there's indicative evidence that people who have been cheated on in the past are more likely to be cheated on in their next relationship yeah that's crazy now that's a disturbing finding and you might think well that doesn't make any sense right how could how could that affect my probabilities and I'll give you a couple examples that could be not saying that this has been studied enough to make conclusions but if you're the sort of person who is attracted to narcissism let's say plenty of people find narcissism quite sexy good luck right yeah it's but narcissism is associated with infidelity letting people find sexual narcissism sexy right so that's someone who believes that they're the best lover ever and is you know totally confident and bad that also predicts infidelity right and so you're attracted to a trait and that makes you that predicts your partner selection and then the types of partners that you're attracted to you you happen to be cursed by being attracted to co-variates of infidelity you got a bad picker you're a bad picker another thing would be just physical attractiveness if you really prioritize that people are more physically attractive tend to have more options tend to be more interested in in suitors Etc tend to be less satisfied in relationships so if you're really interested if you're really prioritizing like oh I just want to date the hottest girl possible it's like maybe that's why you keep getting cheated on is because you're not think thinking about deeper qualities and then so not to victim blame but it could be picking and then it I hate even saying this but it could possibly be what you're talking about I know of an anecdotal case where I know I know a woman who told me she was like my boyfriend was accusing me of cheating so much that I actually just did it like she was being falsely accused so much that it was like I'm going to be yeah it's like I'm the believe I'm the I'm the bad guy regardless of what I do so what's the point in being good you know so so I'm not saying that that's what causes it but I'm saying that there's a some people hear that they hear oh if I was cheated on my last relationship I'm more likely to be chea in my next relationship and they just think what that couldn't be true and it's like well there's actually several ways that it could be true and we just talk about too gosh this is so fascinating you know I really think about when we choose out of a wound you know you're talking about you're attracted to narcissism maybe there was something your parent one of your parents had this trait and it was attractive to you or just maybe it was unattractive but you're trying to fix that parent or whatever it might be but when we when we are attracted based on a wound a psychological wound it typically ends up having more challenges and problems we need to overcome in that relationship because we're trying to fix someone we're trying to we're attracted them and then we want to change them as opposed to being attracted and saying I accept you for who you are obviously we're going to grow and evolve but I accept the personality the values the qualities that you have and I think if we haven't healed something with in us we're going to keep attracting that thing that chemically sexually stimulates us and makes us feel something but then we're going to also be afraid of it or we're going to be needing reassurance on something so we're attracted but you're not going to hurt me are you as opposed to oh I see you for the whole person that you are I've asked all the questions I'm allowing my gut to also have intuition and be like is he being honest and is is she following through on what she's saying and you know is there congruency then you're able to choose based on the whole person versus oh I'm just getting this chemical Feeling by what I see or what I'm attracted to what's your thoughts on that I think you put it quite well and I don't I don't have much to add yeah I I I would also note that with my specific example narcissism is interesting because there are very good reasons to so narcissism pretty consistently has a small effect predicting attractiveness in general really what do you mean by that meaning that if someone's super cocky versus someone who's average Cockiness or insecure right the cocky person generally has a slight competitive advantage in like a speed dating setting more options I think it's more yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so and you can talk about why that is and one of it is just that who doesn't want to be around someone confident right and also it gives you this veneer of being able to take care of yourself and others I think that some people I think that I think that to be honest it's like I'm I'm not saying that I'm that I prefer that I don't but I do understand that a trait that is in some ways negative narcissism in many ways negative actually I'll be frank in certain environments and maybe such as a speed dating study you sit down with someone they sit down at the table they're full of confidence they're relaxed they want to chat with you they want to flirt with you and they're you know taking all your compliments in their stride that's a lot of fun to be around and so it might not be that that person is wounded and choosing you know sexual narcissists let's say but they haven't spent enough time with them yet spend time with someone get to know them before you and maybe yeah I would say that my so so this podcast is very big on you know helping people add value to their lives improve and and I'm not really much of an adviced person but I will say one piece of advice that if you find yourself getting cheated on over and over and over again right if you're if you're listening to this it would be worth taking a step back and saying look it's not my fault that this happened but what can I change about my future Behavior to avoid this happening again right and I think one set to look at changing would be in picking it's like okay well I keep getting cheated on Who Am I who Am I who am I dating well I'm only dating hot narcissists let's say right I'm only dating you know socially socios sexually unrestricted party animals right um maybe I can pick someone more settled down more reliable and and maybe they don't have that same sexy Cockiness and party atmosphere but maybe they're they're going to be more reliable and then on the other end the the other set of things so that's choosing and then maybe there's Al also I mean humans naturally perform a suite of mate retention behaviors right it could partially be a skill issue it's like you're you're creating an atmosphere that pushes people away in your relationships and it's like how can I create an atmosphere that you know uh very much like you were saying earlier about your kind of Jour personal Journey with jealousy we're creating an atmosphere where people want to stay yes as opposed to creating a cage that they're they feel trapped in yeah exactly