Rodney Dangerfield Has President Reagan Laughing Up a Storm (1981)

Oh, what a crowd, what a crowd, huh? Now, I tell you, I'm all right now, but last week I was in rough shape, you know? Yeah, last week my wife signed me up for a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I mean, last week, nothing went right. I bought a waterbed. There were two Cuban guys swimming in it, looking for Florida. Oh, well. Last week, I went to the track, too. That was a beauty. They shot off the opening gun. They killed my horse. I'll tell you, nothing works out. My car broke down again. I got a car, I got nothing but trouble. Every Sunday, I take my family out for a push. The last time my wife drove the car, she cracked it open into a tree. She told me it wasn't her fault. She blew the horn. My wife isn't too smart, you know? One night, she went out. Some guy stole the car. I said to her, did you see what he looked like? She told me he's got the license plate number. She's not smart at all. I told her, our kid is spoiled. She told me a lot of kids smell that way, you know? I'll tell you, it's tough to stay married. And my wife, how do you think I feel? She kissed the dog on the lips and she won't drink from my glass. I mean, there's always, my wife's father, he just moved in too. Has electronic pacemaker. Every time he sneezes, the garage door opens. I'll tell you, life isn't easy. My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I said to him, if you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion. He said, all right, you're ugly too. Real kid and I know I'm ugly. Halloween, I open the front door, kids give me candy. My dog, find out we look alike. He killed himself. I was an ugly kid too. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get. And I was ugly in my sandbox. The cat kept covering me up all the time, you know? Yeah, what a childhood I had. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. Today is different. They got a two good. They don't appreciate it either. Last Christmas, my kid wanted a BB gun. I gave him a BB gun. He gave me a sweatshirt with a bullseye in the back. Smart kid I got. The other day, I told him about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and a butcher. My whole life is pressure. Nothing but pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness, always on top of me, this heaviness. Since I'm a kid, other people wake up in the morning, ah, new day, up and at them. I wake up, the heaviness is right there waiting for me. And sometimes I haven't talked to it. And I say, hi, heaviness. And the heaviness looks back at me. Today, you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today. I don't wanna drink. I'm a bad drinker. When I drink, the next day, I gotta do two things. I try and locate my car, and I gotta bring back the car I took. I'm a bad drinker. You know the trouble with me? I appeal to everyone who can do me absolutely no good. With me, nothing comes easy. I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette. Hey, that's the story of my life. No respect. I don't get no respect at all. Do you get me? This afternoon, I was in a bar. They told me to get out. They wanted to start the happy hour. I mean, it's not easy being me. Well, last week, my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, be quiet. You'll wake up Daddy. No, but I'll tell you, I finally got some respect. They asked me here tonight, you know? And I'll tell you, Trump's surprised I'm here. I mean, I voted for Randolph Scott.