Robin Williams Helps Matt Damon with His Monologue

Let's see, late night hosts, well, they're supposed to tell jokes right from the news, right? Uh, you guys want to hear some jokes? Yeah! Yeah, unfortunately that's not my forte. I'm not a stand-up comedian. Uh, but I do know people in this town. Wait a minute. Hold on. Uh, Siri, who's the best stand-up comedian in the world? Definitely not Jimmy Kimmel. He is not funny at all. He is terrible. He is human garbage. That's a given, but do a search for a world-class comedian in the area who might come finish my monologue. Searching for a world-class comedian in your area. I found one fairly close to you. Well, great. Send him in. A brief shout-out to my fans on Skype. I have a new application on my phone. It's a moral GPS. It's kind of cool. The girl you're texting is the same age as your daughter. Reroute. People always complain about their phones. They're saying like, you know, I've only got two bars. I've only got... Listen, I'm an alcoholic. All I've ever needed was one bar. I'm up and running. And sometimes even it sounds like your phone is a little off. You go, Siri, where is the Beacon Theater? Did you say Kevin Bacon was queer? No! But show me what you found. And she sometimes gets insecure. You're going, Siri, where's the nearest electronics store? Are you dissatisfied with my service, Ron? Not at all. Why did you Google Samsung? No reason. No reason. Who is Emily? None of your business! And it doesn't even work in France. If you go to France, there is no Siri. Because maybe they have their own. They have Sherry. You go, Sherry, where's the nearest good restaurant? It's Paris, you idiot! They're everywhere. Put down your digital device. Go outside and live your life, you American a*****e! That is how you do a monologue! Yeah! Everybody, Robert Williams!