Glow up Diaries (Episode 16) the dark reality of a binge eater

Don't know why I shouldn't let the scale get to me like this also not going to substitute this cinnamon roll as your dinner All these negative thoughts are starting to take over my head and I just didn't recognize myself I don't want to think at all right now about my body image. Why? Did I do this to myself what happens if I just give in what happens if I fail? Okay You might as well just eat food now like because it's not really going to make a difference because when you lose the weight You're just going to binge and gain it back You're not hungry like you ate food today you're going to eat tomorrow when i'm binging and eating like I feel a little bit powerless and weak It's not nice It all started with the idea that if I achieved my dream body then I would be happy I was just trying to take action for self-love right regard for one's own happiness But the feeling of happiness should not be reserved for an end goal You should link it to something you do daily so you can feel it every day I began taking action in the previous episode to reach this end goal of happiness by under eating Under eating caused me to feel hungry and had a very low tolerance for hunger and cravings I thought it was the worst pain in the world over eating took away that pain Oftentimes humans will do more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure So All right, so tonight Yes, I sort of had a lot of food again. Honestly, I should not have used the excuse i'm out with friends So I can like eat as much as I want. I should have really watched myself But this time tonight i'm not walking home all hateful and depressed and Hating myself. I spoke kindly to myself and I said you know what? Am I gonna pick yourself back up and you're gonna be just fine olivia What i've learned is that positive self-talk helps move you forward negative thinking keeps you stuck in vicious cycles So it's great that I spoke kindly to myself here after overeating However, I envisioned that I needed face masks and bubble baths, but I didn't need that kind of self-love I needed tough self-love which I didn't understand this concept at the time So the next day I went to purchase some self-care products and essentially reset my life after feeling gross from overeating You will see throughout the episode how this becomes a pattern It was also extremely humid in taiwan, and I wish I had been more cautious about the type of deodorant I had been using Most deodorants contain aluminum which clogs your pores So I wanted to make sure I was using a product that was aluminum free and better for my body So that prompted me to look into natural deodorants And that's why i'm really glad that native wanted to partner with me on this video Native's deodorants are aluminum free paraben and sulfate free. They are also vegan and cruelty free It's hard to find natural deodorants like this while also feeling really smooth on the skin not sticky and drying quickly after I apply Also, I noticed this scent lasts even after a full day out or exercise I got the scents in lavender rose, which is my favorite It exudes this tranquil vibe because of the strong lavender aroma eucalyptus and mint which smells like you're fresh out of the shower And citrus and herbal musk which has a sweet fruity musk scent You guys can save 30 you guys can save 33 On your first deodorant pack and get free shipping by clicking the link in the description below. Just make sure to use my code olivia So I want to tell you guys tonight I started having some negative thoughts. I was looking at my stomach and I was just kind of like How am I ever gonna lose the weight? and then I started saying like Why Did I do this to myself Baby it's I'd rather be I came I danced And now i'm leaving I didn't record my behavior afterwards, but I started counting my calories of how much I had eaten that day I realized that I ate this really large apple earlier That was not part of the plan and I started to feel bad because I thought oh no extra calories means I won't lose weight This is a very toxic thought number one an extra apple is not what is going to make you gain weight Binging is what will make you gain weight Binging happens when you develop the mentality of severely restricting yourself and saying I can't eat that I can't have that You start to obsess about what you eat because you reject certain foods so strongly for insecure reasons So then I got the grand idea to go on another walk to try to burn off some calories So I just finished dance class. I'm at my school's track right now doing about 30 minutes of walking Now And so the binging begins I didn't really record that much of it But it goes on for a while taking over my life. I would eat way past the feeling of discomfort always ending in disgust I tried searching for solutions in books and came across brain over binge by Katherine Hansen I'll have it linked below in the description if you want to get it My binging got really bad to where I thought I didn't have control over myself anymore That book provided me some hope because it showed me that I had 100 control over my actions And just to be clear, I discovered this book at the end of my trip But this book was only a small piece of holding the answers to everything The book explains you essentially have two brains an animal brain and a logical brain Your animal brain is responsible for maintaining your basic biological functions and ensuring survival Survival drives such as food water sex oxygen. The animal brain is automatic unthinking and irrational When someone is addicted to something the animal brain falsely believes that the addictive substance is necessary for survival And therefore drives the addicted person to the substance as though it is just as vital as water or oxygen In my case it was binge eating your animal brain is not really you the real you is in your logical brain your higher power of thinking Know that your animal brain has no voluntary muscles because the logical brain is where your voluntary muscle movements are housed The only thing your animal brain can do is send signals, but it can't make you do anything All you need to do is recognize it's your animal brain speaking ignore it and it will soon fall silent Attempting to argue with the animal brain is futile because the animal brain is not rational and doesn't listen to reason However, there's a catch this process only works if you want to change Hippocrates said before you heal someone ask him if he's willing to give up the things that make him sick Okay, it's fine. You're okay It looks so bad in these I don't even want to look at the camera. I hate the scale I hate it so much. I shouldn't let it get to me like this, but I'm getting ready to go out right now out on the town, there's like a little party thing my Program is throwing And I really don't even want to go anymore because I was just trying to skirt on and I looked terrible in it And I was like, okay, it's fine. I say you just got to keep on pushing but then I stepped on the scale and this morning I was 60 pounds and then I just stepped on the scale now and now it says And seeing that number Pierces my heart guilt and shame activate the reward center and after I saw that number the scale I got so unhappy and I just actually wanted to go eat like a bunch of random food Binging has become a source of relief for me. My brain realized that it took away the pain I got from hunger So it thinks well, then maybe we can relieve this pain of you feeling bad about your image by eating again Emotions can be pretty illogical. So you need to speak some sense into yourself and thankfully I did in this moment But I was like, okay olivia remember Binging is what got you here in the first place. If you binge it's just going to make the problem worse You're not going to feel better. So, you know, thankfully i'm thinking logically Um, and also that's i'm thinking logically because I ate a good amount of food I think if I had eaten very little I would have been really hungry and I just would have you know Eaten like crazy. I know this from experience from previous weeks where I felt bad about my image and then I would just end up binging In this moment just breathe and focus on something else Start naming all the positive things that you love about yourself because whatever you focus on becomes your reality And if you're having a hard time thinking of something you love about yourself, just focus on your surroundings What are you grateful for? Was it sunny today? Be grateful. You have two legs that can take you places So I just woke up Taking a taxi to school because i'm already late as it is. I woke up at 8 40 a.m And my class is at 9 10 a.m. I got six hours of sleep, even though I was supposed to wake up way earlier So I could I take a minute. I'm supposed to wake up a lot earlier to exercise now I feel like my day's a little out of whack. So now I gotta exercise during lunch All right in the middle of class I got this really strong urge to binge and I felt a lot of anxiety over it because I felt like I had no control so for the last 15 minutes of class I spent my time thinking about how I would get to a snack shop in time before my next class because my class break was only five minutes This is the mindset of an addict sadly. I'm eating a sausage instead of just eating sugar I'm eating this and honestly, I would have gotten the egg, but their eggs taste so bad I'm, not even a fan of this to be honest, but whatever Not thinking about this i'm thinking about working out being strong It felt like when my eating habits were out of whack my whole life was imbalanced and I remember thinking What my teachers probably thought of me I started out looking so put together for class But as my eating habits started to deteriorate my appearance began to look like a mess Okay, so I look like crap right now I feel like it today was supposed to be my day to reset my life a little bit Just totally like I like to take a day and just totally reset everything Anyway, i'm not sure why it took me about five hours to get started But i'm getting started right now and that's what matters Oh steve, right, please play me a tune and don't make it too long I hear you can't make a note to just one note prove me wrong and all this noise In my head I just feel like I have so much Weight and I just I just my brain just like just wants me to just go eat even though i'm not hungry whatsoever I just don't want to be here It's like making me so angry because there's like this pressing issue where it's like I don't want to be here. I just want to go eat like what the freak and it's because your brain is a broken record You keep thinking the same old thoughts every time so because i'm doing something new my brain's like not happy Just to clarify I had not exercised in a while because when I am binging for days or even weeks I do not feel good at all. So I just have no desire to go to the gym and so I realized like Progress equals motivation. You're not going to see the progress within a day. But if you keep if you keep going like You know, so on my way back I had to pass by the 7-eleven by my apartment as usual Like I felt a trigger when I passed by so I was like, oh gotta go get something But then I just told myself I said you're not hungry like you ate food today. You're going to eat tomorrow Every time I fell down and binged it was proving to myself that this is who I was The girl who would never lose the weight because she binge ate treats every time she tried to get back on track And I slowly started to lose trust in myself It got to the point where I would walk around in fear that I would just lose myself and go buy treats Like that one time on the way to the hair salon I felt anxiety because I was afraid I was about to lose control One day after I had finished binging I went home and cried because it was just another vote for the identity I didn't want to be I told myself Olivia You're going to get better and you're beautiful just the way you are But I also felt like I was lying to myself There is a difference between telling yourself something and believing in something despite the fact that I really didn't believe in myself anymore There is always a little glimmer in darkness 99% of me had given up but I never gave up that 1% because that 1% of hope is what keeps me going If I gave up that 1% then i'm saying that I've given up on myself, but here's the thing If you're still breathing Then that means you've still got some fight left in you Never surrender to your obstacles Ever I was um messaging my dad and I was telling him How he's not just my dad like he's my best friend. I was thinking about why I was crying when I messaged him telling him I love him so much and i'm so grateful that he loves me No matter what I look like because it made me realize that I don't think I love myself because of What I look like right now I have always loved myself no matter what I look like and you know Even though now I still speak kindly to myself. I think about how I think about myself And it's not nice. How could I live with myself? To see