Trump's Embarrassing Gop Campaigns, Record-low Approval Rating: Late Night News of the Week

-And now, if you don't mind, we're gonna get to the news. Before signing an executive order today addressing women's healthcare, President Trump praised First Lady Melania Trump and said, "Melania worked so hard, you wouldn't believe it." I don't know, I might believe it. I've certainly never seen her on the golf course. That's right. President Trump praised first lady Melania Trump and said, "She's a very skilled person, actually." Oh, I know my wife loves it when I add "actually" at the end of a compliment. It's right up there with "you look tired" and "calm down." Katie Zakaria last week became the -- Excuse me -- Katie Zacharia last week became the shortest tenured White House press secretary in history after being fired five days into the role. Wow. You know you screwed up when your goodbye cake is made of leftover welcome cake. That's right. Katie Zacharia is the shortest tenured White House press secretary in history after being fired five days into the role. Five days! I mean, even "The Ring" gives you seven. That's only four more days than Trump worked at McDonald's. The White House last week publicly called on U.S. Ambassador to Greece Kimberly Guilfoyle to resign amid reports that she asked a prominent Republican donor to pay her $100,000 American Express bill. And frankly, I just can't believe they charged her $50,000 per lip. The Justice Department last week raided Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar's Washington, D.C., home as part of an investigation into whether she fraudulently obtained U.S. citizenship decades ago. This has to be the furthest a president has ever gone to scare the crap out of his own wife. [ As Pres. Trump ] It doesn't matter how long ago it was. [ Normal voice ] President Trump was presented recently with the National Medal of Science that was given to his uncle John G. Trump in 1983 and then stood on stage holding the framed award. Okay. How many other people's awards is this man going to pose with? Every day it's like, [As Trump] "Someone get my picture with Mr.Beast's Kids Choice award." [ Laughter ] [ Normal voice ] In a post over the weekend on social media, Kristi Noem shared a photograph of herself holding a hunting rifle with her dog Foster. And this is sweet. She even gave him a head start. The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show was held yesterday in Los Angeles. And reality star Kylie Jenner wore this year's fantasy bra. I don't have a joke. I just need to prove that I Googled it for work. My wife is very understanding... actually. A Texas woman has filed a lawsuit against the chain Torchy's Tacos that claims she found a cow's tooth in her food. "Yes," said an employee. "A cow's tooth." That was my favorite one. I was trying not... I was trying so hard not to laugh the whole time... I knew what was coming. I was trying so hard not to laugh. And it just came naturally to you guys. We should have had a graphic with a dude with his big old tooth missing. Let's do it again tomorrow. Let's do it again tomorrow. Baze. Baze is our head writer. Let us -- Can we do it again tomorrow? And finally, let's -- But let's not mention it. See if the audience tomorrow... And finally, today was International Gin and Tonic Day. So I guess Trump's -- [ Cheers and applause ] I don't know. I officially don't know what's going on. Finally today was International Gin and Tonic Day. Our audience obviously knew. Finally, today was International Gin and Tonic Day. So I guess Trump's not the only one who can make executive orders. That's right. That's who you were applauding. Too late to take it back. You didn't know, but too late to take it back. New York Knicks kicked off their season today and held a ceremony to raise the championship banner at Madison Square Garden. Meanwhile, over at the Brooklyn Nets Stadium, they raised a Help Wanted sign. President Trump said in a post yesterday on Truth Social that the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool is repaired and "70% filled with water and looking good." Oh, man. Well, you keep us posted. I think Trump missed his calling as a condo board president. [ As Pres. Trump ] The koi pond is almost filled and the new mailbox keys are in. Come find me when you can. [ Normal voice ] During an executive order signing ceremony yesterday at the White House, President Trump praised the Rose Garden and said, "That stone is so beautiful." Said reporters, "That's RFK Jr." According to a new report, President Trump is considering several possible replacements for White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, including New York Yankees President Randy Levine because any time someone goes 17 years without winning a championship, you gotta capture that magic. During a rally over the weekend in Kentucky, President Trump said that he had a friend who died from COVID and added that the man suffered from the three worst things, saying, "He was rich, heavy and old." Uh...remind you of anyone? He was rich, heavy and old is gonna be Melania's entire eulogy. During the same rally in Kentucky, President Trump said that he studied Ohio Senator Jon Husted's physique and added, "He came up and he was talking very nicely. And I stood right over here and I examined his ass. I never did that with a man before." Well, I'm sure that'll help the Republican Party in -- what did I say -- Kentucky? By the way, probably will. Not like anything he ever says seems to matter. During a recent White House science summit, President Trump praised Elon Musk and said, "Quite honestly, there's nobody like him," before adding, "Wait, I read that wrong. Nobody likes him." Professional eater Joey Chestnut competed over the weekend in the Junkyard Dog Challenge and ate an 8-pound deep-dish pizza in less than 13 minutes. Even more impressive when you find out the previous record was three days. A man was arrested recently at the Miami airport after federal officials discovered he had 10 live birds stuffed down his pants. Authorities became suspicious, I'm guessing, the second he walked into the airport. I don't think he was that happy about it. "You got me!" And finally, a Texas woman has filed a lawsuit against the chain Torchy's Tacos that claims she found a cow's tooth in her food. "Yes," said an employee, "a cow's tooth." Let's do that one again tomorrow, Baze. But tomorrow, just write a completely different punch line and don't tell me about it and I'll just read it in the monologue. Just catch me off guard with it. I think we're gonna -- We're gonna crack this one. When asked yesterday during an Oval Office meeting if he would support Vice President J.D. Vance if he decides to run in 2028, President Trump declined to offer his endorsement, which is just beautiful. It's like if you invited your best friend to dinner and he said, "Well, who else is gonna be there?" President Trump has reportedly told aides he wants to replace the White House's press briefing room with an indoor swimming pool. Okay, so he's already got a ballroom, and now he wants an indoor pool. He's slowly turning the White House into a Courtyard by Marriott. That's right. President Trump has reportedly told aides he wants to replace the White House press briefing room with an indoor swimming pool. It's the second worst idea he's had for that room. President Trump -- [ Cheers and applause ] Ah! So wonderful. What a nice -- Stopping by. She stopped by. President Trump yesterday announced a new whistleblower incentive program to help uncover fraud in the government. For more on this, let's go live to the White House. [ Whistles blowing continuously ] That was fun. During a rally last night in North Carolina, President Trump said that Ohio Senator Jon Husted may be "too quiet for politics." Oh, that's not disqualifying. The last thing Mitch McConnell said was, "Congratulations, President Bush." First one. During the same rally, President Trump also praised Ohio Senator Jon Huston's physique. Okay. What is with him and dudes' bodies lately? -But I looked at his ass. It's like a pile of muscle. This guy walks through the door. I said, "Look at this beautiful guy." So we're allowed to have big, strong, handsome soldiers. Look at this guy. Look at the muscles on this guy. -I mean, we're like one rally away from him saying he experimented in college, and then all of our MAGA uncles are gonna have to pretend that's cool. They're like, "Yeah, I get it. I've seen some hunks." That's right. President Trump praised Ohio Senator Jon Husted's physique and said, "His ass is like a pile of muscle." A pile of muscle? I hope Trump doesn't decide to start writing romance novels. [ As Pres. Trump ] "His ass -- His ass was a pile of muscles and her -- her boobs were like two fleshy garlic knots." "And oh... oh, how they humped that night." [ Normal voice ] During a rally on Monday in Kansas, President Trump said that members of the media could not pass a cognitive test and added, "None of those people could come close to getting a perfect score. But I got it three times." Three times? Oh, dude. They weren't testing you. They were testing the test. "He got a perfect score? That can't be right. Run it again." The ice cream chain Cold Stone Creamery has introduced a new menu inspired by the upcoming film "The Cat in the Hat." Meanwhile, Denny's is serving green eggs and ham, but it has nothing to do with the book. A 99-year-old British woman recently set the Guinness World Record by becoming the oldest person to walk the wings of a biplane. Unfortunately, she thought she was walking into her kitchen. "Why is it so windy in here?" And finally, a Texas woman -- Now, I should clarify. This is the third time this week we've told a joke about this story because we're just, like, fine-tuning it. And I invited my head writer, Alex Baze -- I said, "Come up with a new one for Wednesday, but I don't want to see it till I'm out there." I'm counting on you. But I trust my team. And finally, a Texas woman has filed a lawsuit against the chain Torchy's Tacos that claims she found a cow's tooth in her food. Even crazier, she -- Even crazier, she found it in a fish taco. President Trump hosted a roundtable event yesterday on cybercrime, despite being the largest perpetrator of them. I had to use water to make that. President Trump held a rally last night in Clemson, South Carolina, and spoke for roughly 90 minutes. Excuse me. He spoke roughly for 90 minutes. During last night's rally in South Carolina, President Trump said that he wants to rename an ocean after renaming the Gulf of Mexico and Lake Ontario. Okay. What voters is he trying to appeal to? "$10 gas is fine, but I'll be dead and buried before I recognize the Atlantic Ocean." President Trump yesterday denied ordering a slowdown of SpaceX's Starlink service in Ukraine and added that he has no idea who made the decision to do so. Yeah, you can't expect the president of the United States to know who's dictating our foreign policy. His job is to glue crap to the White House. During an event yesterday with his fraud task force in Cincinnati, Vice President JD Vance said, "There is no person who hates the idea of people enriching themselves fraudulently over access to the government more than Donald J. Trump." Really? Can't think of one person who hates fraud more than Donald Trump? I can think of 8.1 billion people. The Trump administration asked the Supreme Court yesterday to allow it to resume construction on the border wall. That's how you know they're desperate. They're bringing back storylines from season one. The border -- The border wall is not done? We're never getting a [bleep] ballroom. According to the latest numbers, the cost of President Trump's Victory 47 perfume has increased from $99 in 2024 to $249. But don't worry, there are cheaper ways to smell like him. The food company Post has unveiled a new limited edition Candy Cane Oreo Puff cereal made with real Oreo cookies and peppermint marshmallows. And this is cool. It comes with a free poking stick to help scrape your kids off the ceiling. The fast-food chain KFC this week unveiled its new 13 Days of Scary Good Deals promotion in honor of Halloween, which is available exclusively to KFC rewards members. Even scarier -- being a KFC rewards member. And finally, a Texas woman has filed a lawsuit. You guys, this is very exciting. This is the fourth time. This is the fourth time this week we've made a run at this joke about this Texas woman who has filed a lawsuit against the claim Torchy's Tacos. It's especially exciting for me because I didn't even know that was a thing. And now here we are. This is so exciting. The fourth day in a row, and yesterday and today, I have not looked at the joke yet. So pretty cool. Pretty cool experiment that we're doing here on TV. Pretty cool. And finally, a Texas woman has fil-- And also kind of cool that I'm willing to do it. Yeah. I mean... [ Cheers and applause ] Well... I don't want to, like, reflect on my -- Like, I feel brave. And I support my staff. Don't ever let 'em say -- Don't ever let 'em say he didn't support his staff. And finally, a Texas woman has filed a lawsuit against the chain Torchy's Tacos that claims she found a cow's tooth in her food. And of course, everyone's blaming the new line cook. You know what? This has been a really fun experiment. That was the monologue, everybody.