I don’t love my mother

I don't love my mother anymore. I stopped loving her a long time ago. I've tried repeatedly to love her, even though she's done some of the most horrific, evil things to me, even though she's still married to the man who sexually molested me, even though, you know, she's done some horrible things. And I mean, this is not a one-time incident. This is years and years and years of constant bullying and just toxicity from my mother and she specifically targeted me there was always something about me but as sweet and as kind as I was and my family knows you know me as a child growing up I was very soft-spoken I was very shy um non-aggressive not the fight the girl that you see right now this I was totally the opposite I know my family looks at me in shock you know when I curse and I flip and I go off that's because I'm tired you know when you push somebody to their ******* limit they're gonna snap and go the **** off my entire life damn near I've been the shy fat quiet girl in the corner never talked back always took a beating always took you know somebody disrespect I took a lot of disrespect off a lot of people but my number one bully my number one hater was my mother and always has been what I've come to realize is that you know I cut her off over 15 years ago and in that 15 year span it's given me a lot of time to really study her study her behaviors study her upbringing study her childhood and also monitor her behavior as a result of me pulling away from her. Did me pulling away from her and staying away from her change her behavior or did it stay the same? And what I've come to realize is that her behavior never changed. All the time spent away from her, it just made her like more obsessed with trying to regain control of me so that she can resume bullying and abusing me. In that 15 year span, I've had a chance to grieve my mother. And another thing that I realized is that I don't actually love her anymore. I may have used to love her, but I fell out of love with her. If that makes sense to y'all, I'm trying to make this make sense. What I actually loved about my mother was the ideal of her, the ideal of her actually loving me emotionally connecting with me supporting me at all types of events she's missed two of my college graduations I've been in beauty pageants I've received honorary awards national prestigious awards I got a national award last year from a women's organization um things like that only you can dream of your mama being there to support you when you're you're reaching major milestones in your life. My mother was not there for any of it. And not only that, I have a daughter. My baby is 24 years old. My mother has missed damn near every, the last 10 years, my mother has missed all my daughter's graduations, elementary school graduation, middle school graduation, high school graduation. My daughter has been to three proms. I was there at all of them, made sure she had everything. All her Christmases, I bought everything. Not even her father gave me a dime I always took care of my daughter she never wanted for for anything my mother missed all of it this only confirms my beliefs that my mother is truly a narcissist because only a narcissistic mother would treat her daughter like the arch enemy if you've seen the movie Mommy Dearest or even the movie Precious that's what type of relationship I have with my mother that's how my mother talked to me like I was gum on the bottom of her shoe that's how she always treated me. And through therapy and self-growth and doing shadow work, I've learned to detach from her and her issues. All those years, it was nothing more than her projecting her pain, her childhood trauma, her misery, two failed marriages. She didn't reach her goals. She used to have a beautiful singing voice. I'm sure she could have gone far if she pursued a musical career. I feel like she blames me for her life's poor choices. I was the first born child. So therefore me being connected to my dad and maybe the reason why they got married, I got bullied and beaten for all of that. I do feel she blames me because her life did not turn out the way that it did. And although I'm a single mother, I chose to take the cards that were dealt to me and I chose to win I became super successful even as a single mother you know I surpassed both of my parents you know um they never went after their goals but I said **** that I'm going after everything I'm very successful now I'm a book uh you know very successful book author you know I I'm a social media influencer I have a worldwide fan base you know I'm educated and stuff and I managed to raise my daughter without the help of my family or her father. I've beaten a lot of odds and I think that bothers my mother. And to come to find out that she never divorced the man that sexually molested me. How much hatred can you show towards your daughter? What reason does she have to stay married to this man? Make it make sense. So I've come to the conclusion that she does not love me. Y'all I promise you I cannot remember the last time she uttered the words I love you. She has tried to reach out to me privately. She's DM'd me on Instagram here and there during the pandemic. She DM me those private messages that she sent to me, you know, call herself being concerned and checking up on me. Not a single time did she write, I love you. And none of those messages that was the last five years. I probably heard from her two, three times, never typed. She typed this long ass paragraph, but in that long ass paragraph, not one single time. I love you Chanel. that's because she doesn't love me a true narcissist does not they're incapable of love they're incapable of empathy y'all I think it's okay for people to admit that they don't love their their mothers or fathers I think society has conditioned us to uh stay loyal to abusive parents and it's got to stop and yes I forgive her but I don't love her anymore the love is not there how can you love somebody that has literally tried to destroy you your entire life How can you love someone that is super envious of you and constantly running smear campaigns and gossiping about you? She's been gossiping about me since I was a little girl. I'm just now learning that I have autism. My mother knew I had autism. She did not get me any help as a child. She let me go through life without getting special needs or therapy. Then she beat, bullied me and allowed me to get molested as a disabled child. She does not love me. but the mature thing is accepting her I accept her for who she is it does not mean that I have to ever deal with her ever again and I think a lot of us need to get honest about our real feelings about our mothers that were abusive I think in the black community a lot of our black men are hurting black women because they have unresolved issues with their mothers but because society has conditioned them to stay loyal to mommy and not only that our abusive family a lot of us come from toxic, dysfunctional families. Your family members will pressure you to stay loyal to your mother. They'll use the Bible to guilt trip you to stay loyal to your mother, knowing she's ******* abusive, knowing she's allowed another abuser to molest you and do you dirty. She's allowed other people to bully you. But it's a new day. We've got to stop allowing society and our family to ******* **** with our heads. It's okay to own your feelings and have those emotions. If you don't love her, you don't love her. It is what it is. She did that. And she's got to live with herself for the rest of her life. Only those who have a narcissistic mother will ever understand the pain and suffering and trauma that she leaves with you. You can forgive her and you may not even want to forgive her. But if you fall out of love with her, you have a right to. God bless y'all.