History of Japan

Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes, and it's beautiful. In the year negative a billion, Japan might not have been here. In the year negative 40,000, it was here, and you could walk to it. And some people walked to it. Then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, it became an island, and now there's lots of trees. Because it's warmer. So now there's people on the island, they're basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains, eating nuts off trees, and using the latest technology. Like stones, and bowls. Ding dong, it's the outside world, and they have technology from the future. Like really good metal, and crazy rice farms. Now you can make a lot of rice really, really quickly. That means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to survive. So that makes you king. Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land, all the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. But this one was the most, most important. Ruled by a heavenly super person, or emperor for short. Knock, knock, get the door, it's religion. The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from Biekt. Please try this religion, he said. No, said everybody. Try it, he said. No, said everybody again, quieter this time. And so the religion was put into place, and all the rules that came with it. Then the government was taken over by another clique. And they made some reforms, like making the government govern more, and making the government more like China's government, which is a government that governs more. Hi China, they said. Hi dipshit, said China. Can you call us something else other than dipshit, said Japan. Like what, said China. How about sunrise land, said Japan. And they stole China's alphabet and wrote a book. About themselves. And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died, and kept it in one place for a while. Right here. And they conquered the north, finally. Get that squared away. A rich hipster named Kukai is bored with modern Buddhism, visits China, and learns a better version, which is more spiritual, comes back, reinvents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be great, for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn't give a ---- about running the country. So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your ---- from criminals? Hire a samurai. Everyone started hiring samurai. Rich, important people hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai became organized and powerful. More powerful than the government. So they made their own military government. Here. They let the emperor still be emperor, but the shogun is actually in control. Breaking news. The Mongols have invaded China. We've invaded China, said the Mongols. Please respect us, or else we might invade you as well. OK, said Japan. So the Mongols came over, ready for war, and died in a tornado. But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornado. Then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to Kyoto and makes a new shogunate. And the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that's fine. Now there's more art. Like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. It's time for who's going to be the next shogun. Usually it's the shogun's kid, but the shogun doesn't have a kid, so he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He says OK, but then the shogun has a kid. So now who's it going to be? Vote now on your phones. And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn't care, he was off somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces. Everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it's anybody's game. Knock knock, it's Europe. No, they're not here to take over, they just want to sell some ----, like clocks, and guns, and Jesus. So that's cool, but everyone's still fighting each other for control, now with guns. And wouldn't it be nice to control the capital, which right now is puppets, with no one controlling them. This clan is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan, which is in the way. Surprise! The smaller clan wins, and the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital and invades the capital. And it goes very well. He's about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him kills him, and then someone else who works for him kills them, and that guy finishes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody's swords and made some rules. And now I'm going to invade Korea, and then hopefully China, he said, and failed, and also died. But before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his five-year-old son until he's old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said, yeah, right, it's not going to be this kid, it's going to be one of us, because we're grown-ups. And it's probably going to be this guy, who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. A lot of people support him, but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight, and he wins, and starts a new government, right here. And he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor and have very nice things. But don't get confused. This is the new government, and they are very strict. So strict, they closed the country. No one can leave, and no one can come in. Except for the Dutch, if they want to buy and sell ----. But they have to do it right here. Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot. Business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published, there was poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and Dutch studies. People started to study European science from books they bought from the Dutch. We're talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity. Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow down. Knock, knock. It's the United States. With huge boats. With guns. Gunboats. Open the country. Stop having it be closed, said the United States. There was really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets the United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan anytime they want. Choshu and Satsuma hated this. That sucks, they said. This sucks. And with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogunate and somehow made the emperor the emperor again and moved him to Edo, which they renamed Eastern Capital. They made a new government, which was a lot more Western. They made a new constitution that was pretty Western, and a military that was pretty Western. And do you know what else is Western? That's right, it's conquering stuff. So what can we conquer? Korea. They conquer Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, and then go a little bit further, and Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, Stop, no, you can't take that, we were gonna build a railroad through here to try and get some warm water. And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a ---- ton of soldiers, and then when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a **** ton. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. And Japan says, Can you maybe chill? And Russia says, How about maybe you chill? Japan is kind of scared of Russia. You'll never guess who's also kind of scared of Russia. Great Britain. So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be a little less scared of Russia. Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia, just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop. It's time for World War I. The world is about to have a war, because it's the 1900s and weapons are getting crazy, and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants more. And the next thing on their list is this part of China and lots of tiny islands. All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on it by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, which was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France's ass because France is friends with Russia, who was getting ready to kick Austria's ass because Austria was getting ready to kick Serbia's ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria's ass. Er, actually shot him in the head. And Britain is currently friends with Japan, so you know what that means. Duh. Japan should take the islands. Which they wanted to do anyway, so they called Britain on the telly to sort of let them know. And then they did it. And they also helped Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff. Now the war is over, and congratulations, Japan, you technically fought in the war, which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what. And yes, Japan gets to keep all that ---- they stole from Germany. You also get to join the post-war mega-alliance, the League of Nations, whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. The Great Depression is bad, and Japan's economy is now crappy, but the military is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria. And the League of Nations is like, No, don't do that. If you're in the League of Nations, you're not supposed to take over the world. And Japan said, How about I do anyway? And Japan invaded more and more and more and more of China, and was planning to invade the entire East. You've got mail. It's from Germany, the new leader of Germany. He has a cool mustache, and he's trying to take over the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends, because they had so much in common. Germany is invading the neighbors. Then they invade the neighbors' neighbors. Then the neighbors' neighbors' neighbors, who happen to be Britain, said, Holy ----. And the United States started helping Britain, because they are good friends, and started not helping Japan, because they're friends, and our friends are not friends. Plus they're planning on invading the entire ocean. The United States is also working on a large, very huge bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever, just in case. But they still haven't joined the war. War looks bad on TV, and the United States is really starting to care about their image. But then Japan spits on them, in Hawaii, and challenges them to war. And they say yes. And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the United States also. So the United States goes to war in Europe. And they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany. And they also start chasing Japan back into Japan. And they haven't used the bomb yet, and are curious to see if it works. So they drop it on Japan. They actually drop two. The United States installed a new government, inspired by the United States government, with just the right ingredients for a post-war economic miracle. And Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders, as fast as they can. And also better than everybody else. They get rich, and the economy goes wild. And then the miracle wears off. But everything's still pretty cool, I guess.