Why Positive Thinking Feels So Flat and How to Fix It

Have you ever tried positive thinking? Maybe you tried it for a while, maybe it helped a little, maybe you found it difficult, maybe it didn't work at all. I got a question from someone, I'm going to read it here and I'm going to answer it, because it's about positive thinking and the struggles we can have with it and maybe how to address some of those concerns and problems and how to make it work effectively. So the question was, let me read it here, so I've tried positive thinking and telling myself that everything is going to be okay, but it just feels fake and flat. I don't actually believe what I'm telling myself. Why doesn't positive thinking work for me and what should I do instead? Maybe you should meditate, right? That's kind of the alternative. I think that a lot of us go down when we realize, okay, this positive thinking stuff feels flat, it feels fake, it's not really helping, it's not working. I think that's a mistake to throw it away and to say, I'm just going to do meditation. Now, meditation is really important. It's actually a part of it too, which I'll get into here. But how do you make positive thinking work? Well, why does it feel flat when we try it? My take on it is that it sounds a little bit strange, but positive thinking shouldn't be consciously directed. Okay, I'll explain what I mean by that. And this talks to how you can actually make it work for you. And it is a fantastic practice to get into. I kind of would call it mind training. We train ourselves into doing this. Now, not true force or repetition. That's the positive thinking movement that happened, you know, back in the 70s and continues to this day. And that's a problem, right? It's like you have these negative feelings and negative thought patterns and everything else. And you try and use the affirmations and repeat and repeat and repeat it to yourself all the time. And you know, I am enough, I'm good enough, I'm safe, everything's okay. Keep repeating it. And it helps a little. But if there are negative feelings in there, it sort of creates this tension within yourself. So typically, people will try it for a while and then they drop it. But what I mean by it shouldn't be consciously directed, is typically what will happen is we'll have a problem in life, something's happening, and we're not liking it. And we will try to maybe apply positive thinking to that thing. When really, that's not the best approach to it, because it's already framed in a negative way. And trying to say, well, I'm going to apply it to this specific problem, makes it really, really difficult to do it. So rather than that, it's setting an intention of, okay, I want to feel good. Today, I'd like to feel good. I want to feel positive emotion, I want to feel optimism, I want to feel good in myself. And the sort of the meditation part of it is that there's a little bit of stillness involved with it, whereby it's like, okay, that's the intention I have. Now, I'm not going to decide on exactly what it is I need to feel positive about. Because again, if I have it framed as a problem, it's going to be more difficult for me to see that in a positive light. But you open yourself up, there's a stillness, you can do the breathing, and you can do a little bit of meditation to get still enough to be able to open yourself up to enter into that mindset, which will be more conducive to that goal of, I want to feel positive emotion, I want to feel good about myself, I want to feel optimism. And you will find that positive thoughts, now, this is the training part, it's kind of a skill. You'll notice, okay, yeah, there's all these negative thoughts, you don't deny them, you can see them, right? They're there. It's not about denying or oppressing that. In fact, it's about not being afraid of those thoughts. But you will notice when you're doing, okay, that's my intention. I want to feel good here. What kind of thought patterns or thoughts could I have that would make me feel better? And what you'll notice is a thought emerges, and it could be, I am safe, right? And you'll think, and this goes to the question that was asked, it kind of feels flat. If you don't feel anything around that, if it doesn't make you feel slightly better, that's sort of like a fake positive thought. It's a fine thought, but it's not the thought that you need in that moment, right? So it's like, okay, that isn't resonating with me. Let that one go. And you sit with it. It's kind of like fishing, right? You're sitting there with the fishing rod and you're waiting for a sort of a positive thought to come in that actually resonates with you emotionally. Okay, I am safe today. That's not really moving the needle. You sit with it, right? And you're just focusing on the intention of, I just want to feel good. I want to feel appreciative or optimism. And it could be a thought emerges, I'm really enjoying this cup of tea or this cup of coffee, right? Now, is that what maybe you should be thinking? Is that really the best you can do? Well, if it moves the needle and you actually feel, well, you know what? I actually really am enjoying this drink, this tea or coffee. I'm really enjoying that. Okay, that's good. And you focus on the fact that you're enjoying that, right? So we're looking for, it's a sort of a thing of discerning. Thoughts emerge. It's the same with inquiry too. If you've ever tried inquiry, for instance, Byron Katie's version of it, it's like, okay, you look at a negative thought. Today is going to be a horrible day. And you do a thing in the inquiry where you turn it to the exact opposite. Today is going to be a great day. And you're looking for evidence to prove that. And evidence pops up. But it's like, well, yeah, but I don't feel anything about that evidence. It's like, okay, well, that's not it. You sit with it. That's doing the work, she would call it. It's kind of like training. It's like, okay, you're just waiting for what does actually resonate. And it might not be what you intended. It can be a silly thought, like enjoying your morning cup of coffee or tea. And you sit with that. And then as those thoughts that thought emerges, and it does resonate with you, you'll find that it's easier now and your mood is improving slightly. And more and more of those thoughts start to become more accessible. And sooner, believe it or not, the more you get trained in this practice of genuine positive thinking, you will be able to list off 20 reasons why today is going to be a great day. And it starts off by appreciating your cup of coffee or whatever it is. Again, I want to emphasize this is not about forcing positivity. It's much more about being still. It's not even conscious. The thing is, the real loving thoughts that you have in your mind, they're coming from the part of you. It's not in the conscious mind. All the loving stuff is a really deep part of who you are, you can't get rid of it. And once we let go of control, stop directing it and insisting what it should be about, etc. That part starts to bubble up. And then you find, oh my God, okay, I'm accessing all these positive thoughts about today. And if you can do that on a repeated basis, again, it's not about positive thinking versus meditation. Meditation is a great practice by itself. But this is almost a meditative practice where there's a stillness involved. It's just, okay, I'm paying attention to what's happening emotionally within yourself. But if you can do that, and every day you're practicing this, you'll find that it's a skill. And you're becoming much better in appreciating all the things that are happening in your life. And you also feel much more optimistic about the future. So if you have struggled, like this person in the question talks about positive thinking, and it's not working for me, you're not alone. I would say most people that try it run into this problem with it. But it doesn't mean it can't work. There is a way to make it work. And it's sort of bringing more of a meditative stillness to it. And an honesty about, does that really move the needle in the right direction for me? Or is it only something I should be feeling positive about? It's a nice sunny day outside. That might not do anything for you. Okay, so that's okay. You just sit, set the intention. I want to feel positive emotion. I want to feel good here. There's no traffic. That emerges. Okay, that moves the needle. So it's like, it's not just about all positive thoughts are good. It's what a positive thought that resonates with you. It has to be honest. And that's how you start to practice this. And I would really encourage you to start practicing that thing of positive thinking. Because it is very, very, maybe it's the most important thing we can do. I talk about in other things too, another thing I talk about is the story we tell ourselves. So we create this story for ourselves. There are certain truths that we uncover in doing inner work that are so significant that they belong in a sort of a story that you're telling yourself a lot of the time. For me personally, I talk about procrastination a lot here. For me, it was like, the more I relax, the more productive I am. That was a huge, blew my mind when I kind of discovered that. So that's a part of what I mean here. But I'm rambling here. I'll leave it there for today. Positive thinking can be useful, but it's a skill set. And there are ways to tweak it so that it can work more effectively. Hope that's useful. My information is below if you want to talk with me. My new book is available also on Amazon. And there's an audio audio book version of it as well. It's about procrastination and some of the things we talked about here. Hope that's useful. And take care of yourself. Have a great day. Bye bye.