Ricky explores the English language with Karl Pilkington. This subtitle-free version is for you to create a video subtitled i

I'm Ricky Gervais. With me, Carl Pilkington. I won't be speaking your language. I won't be translating what I say. I'll just be speaking English, OK? The translation will come up on the bottom of the screen. This is my friend, Carl Pilkington. He is bold. He has no hair. Carl Pilkington has no hair. Yeah, I know. They can see I've got no hair. No, I know. Well, what do they need to know that for? If they learn a language, a bald head isn't that important. Teach them how to ask for bread or milk. We'll get to that. But this is about sort of friendship and family, you know. So it's all useful. There's so many words, you know, they might as well start somewhere. There's too many words. A lot of words. So you say it. Carl Pilkington is bold. Carl Pilkington has got a head like a ******* orange. Right, I really don't know why they need to learn this. Because they might need to say that one day. No, but I get enough abuse now from English people. I don't want Chinese suddenly turning up going, I've got a ******* orange. Teach them how to say milk. I need milk. Milk for tea. Coffee. Teach them useful stuff. Okay, well, go on, teach them something then. Who am I talking to? People around the world, they can't speak English yet. So what are they... Well, Chinese, Chinese are the ones... Okay, what? I've been to China and none of them know English. Right. So they need to learn English. Okay. So what would they want to know? You see, they don't need to know about milk, because they don't like milk. They think English people smell of milk. They smell of milk. Smell. What does smell mean, Carl? Smell. Stink. ------- hell, you smell. Runk. Rank. So you've got a Chinese fella, he's coming over here and he's learned the word rank, meaning you stink. Smell. Stank. Stunk. That's stunk. Give an example. Erm, you smell. You ----. Why are you teaching them French and English? Because you told me, you said they want to know about smell. Yeah, right. But why are you teaching them without prepositions and proper... Why are you teaching them to speak like this? Mm, stink, you ----. Why are you teaching them to speak... Just speak proper English. Right, okay, then. Always speak proper English, okay? Tell them. Erm, so what do they want to know? Well, what does smell mean? Smell. So we're featuring the word smell. Smell. This is about the word smell. Right, when something smells, they know what it means. It's when something, erm, stinks. Well, no, it doesn't always mean that, cos it's also a verb. Oh, a nice smell. It's also a verb, to smell. It's a verb. Smell is a verb. Yes, but what they've got to remember is if they go up to someone and go, you smell, it's not always positive. You wouldn't... You say, you smell nice. Right. But if you say, you smell, they'll get a smack in the face. Smack in the face. Karl, what's a smack in the face? When someone thumps you. Thump. That's the worst English lesson ever. Right, okay, erm... What would they want to let you see? That's why we've got to focus on... Are we focusing on Chinese? No! Well, we should, because different people want different things. Right. So what would Chinese want? They come to England. Right. What do they want? Why are you talking to me like I can't understand English now? Because I'm trying to think out what to be clear to them. Okay. So I'm dropping out. So forget where they come from, wherever they come from in the world, they all want the same things. No, but words don't mean the same thing. At certain places, there's people where it stinks in the world. They wouldn't come to England and need to say it smells, because they're from a smellier place. No, they're not. Yes, they are. Milk. Let's do milk. Okay, let's do milk for anyone who isn't English. Okay, okay, I'll, erm... Okay. We will act out a scenario now where you might need milk. Okay. Hello, Karl. Hello. Would you like a cup of tea? Yeah. Yes, please. Er, strong. What teabags have you got? That is a question I ask. Because it all depends on the amount of milk. Do you have typhoo? That means more milk. Typhoo does not mean more milk. No, it's a very strong teabag. Right. Twining's a little bit... They don't need to know the details. This isn't a travel guide, this is just... This is English for people who can't speak English. Right, start again, start again. Hello, Karl. Hiya. Would you like a cup of tea? Yeah, I'd love one, I'm gasping. How do you like it? Strong, no sugar. Teabag, okay. What? Yeah, teabag, yeah. That should be all right. Would you like some milk? Just a drop. A drop, not much. Would you like semi-skimmed milk? Yeah, skim. Semi-skimmed milk. Karl is enjoying his tea. He had it strong with a drop of milk. So, that's the basics in England. We like to drink tea. We drink tea. We also drink coffee. We also drink beer. Let's go shopping. So, I'll just come into a shop. Tring. Afternoon. Hello. Hiya. I want a fish. What sort of fish do you want? We've got loads. What sort of fish are there? Loads. I haven't got time, to be honest. You've come in at a busy time. Have a look and come back to me. I don't know what... What type of fish is this? That's a kipper. Okay, a kipper. What's a kipper? Chinese and Japanese know fish really well. They don't need to... Stop thinking we're just talking to Chinese and Japanese. I don't know where the Japanese came from. It was just Chinese people. This is for anyone who wants to learn English. Anywhere around the world. There might be Spanish. There might be French. There might be German. Okay? Why do you only care about the Chinese learning about this? Because most Spanish people don't speak English. They've been taught it. But all right, kipper. It's a fish. It's sort of a fishy sort of fish. There's some fish that's more meaty. Tuna. What sort of thing are you after today? Is this for you or for someone else? This is for me. I'd like to buy a fish, please. Right, but surely you know what kipper is. Look at it. Look at the fish. Here it's called kipper. Where are you from? I don't speak English. I'd just wrap any old ---- up and give it... You'll like this. Tenner. Rip you off. Because I'm busy. And that's what happens in this country. That's what they ought to be careful of if they're watching this. If you're coming to England, don't be ripped off. Rip off. Conned. Taken advantage of. Done up like a kipper. Look at this foreigner. I done him up like a kipper. This is when English gets complicated, because kipper, a lot of English words, can mean many things. Wear. Same word, different thing. Wearing. Where have you been? I'm wearing a jumper. Where have you been? Wear. Brilliant. One word, two meanings. At the spa. Hello. I'd like to book an appointment for a treatment. OK. When are you thinking? We're busy all today. Tomorrow? Can we just do it today? Can it just be available now? Can't we just do it that it's available now? There's nothing... All right, I can fit you in. Someone hasn't turned up yet, so we can get you in sort of in ten minutes. OK. Right. OK. What would you like? I would like a back, crack and sack waxing, please. I would like my back waxed, my crack waxed and my sack waxed. Right. Do you do the treatments yourself? No. I'd like you to. Well, I can't. Why not? Because I have to be on reception, taking calls. Well, OK. You can't request who's doing your sack, your crack or your back. There's a woman in the back who does your crack. Well, um... This is ******* insane. Right, that's enough of that. I don't know what we're doing. I don't know who's going to order anything from us. Wait, wait, wait. OK. OK, right, OK. OK. Well, ask me some questions. Well, I don't have to ask you any questions. I said you can go in in ten minutes. I'm not doing it. I'm not a work kid. I'm not paid or qualified to be sorting your arse out. Wait, wait. OK, wait, wait. OK. Actually, thinking about it, the hair on my crack hasn't grown back. Nor has the hair on my back. But my sack is very hairy. Wait. My sack is very hairy. Um, I don't need my back waxed or my crack waxed, but I need my sack waxed. Right. Now, I'm surprised you haven't done it yourself. Because it's the back and the crack that's the difficult bit. The sack you can do yourself. To be honest, it should all be growing at the same time. No. So there's something wrong with you. No. You've got a hairy bollock. Your back is lovely and bald. Right. You don't need it doing... Bald. My back is bald. Yeah. My crack is bald. My sack needs waxing. Um, it's quite an emergency. My balls are very hairy. Can I have them waxed, please? Yes. How much just for the balls? £15. £15? For the both. For two. OK, that's good. So, £7.50 each. It's £7.50... Yeah, but we don't split it. That's the price. Yes, yes. You can't have one done. No, I have to... I have two balls. How many balls do you have, Carl? Carl has two balls. Are your balls hairy? Average. OK. Which is strange, because Carl's balls are hairy, but he is bald on his head. His head looks like a ball. His head looks like a bald testicle. Carl has a head like a bald testicle, but his testicles aren't bald. OK. How long will it take to wax my balls? Ten minutes. OK. So, it's £15 and ten minutes. Can you do it now, please? No, I won't be doing it. You'll be meeting Leslie in the back room. Oh, I don't really... I'm a little bit shy. I know you. You don't know me, you've just turned up. Could you wax my balls? No. I'm not waxing your balls. Bollocks. Scrotum. What else is there? Test eye. If you're having one done. Bollocks. Sack. What else is there? OK. OK, we've done that waxing. OK. At the doctor's. Hello, Doctor. Hello. I have pain. OK, whereabouts is the pain? My anus. Of course it is. None of this is worth learning in a language. You go home. If you're ill, go home. No, if a foreign fella is in this country... He can go to the doctor's and use our NHS system, if he had an achy arse. He'd get on the first flight home. Why aren't you going travelling? You're here as a tourist. Yes. Right, well, see London. Instead of worrying about your airy bollocks, see the London Eye. The London Eye. Tower of London. These are things that are going to be useful to them. OK. Tower of London. London Eye. Buckingham Palace. The Queen. I've never been on holiday and had to have my anus seen to. I haven't had to have it seen to whilst I'm here, at home. Give them useful words. Fromage. Why are you teaching them a French word, if we're teaching them English? I'm just saying useful phrases. Right. I've got a headache. OK. What would you do? OK, what scenario would you do to teach them? Who are you? Karl will now teach you a useful scenario. Yeah, who are you? Anyone you want me to be. What do you want to do? The bins haven't been emptied. OK. Who are you? You're making this scenario up. So who are you, then, the council? It's up to you. Right, you're my neighbour. OK. Why do you keep putting bins out? The bin men doesn't come till Thursday. You keep putting bins out. I'm sorry, Karl. I'm very sorry. I've had a bit of trouble. I woke up this morning and it's the worst it's ever been. I haven't got my distenders. I've got a prolapse. My testicles are very low because I'm old. I'm flabbergasted. Yeah, all right. Listen, can you just put the bins out on a Thursday? I can't do that. My balls are so low because I'm an old man. Can you put the bins out on a Thursday? The bin men doesn't come till a Thursday. It's Tuesday. You're putting bins out too early. There's foxes getting at them. There's ---- all over the place. There's dirty underpants you keep putting in the bin. I've told you, it attracts foxes. Stop putting the ******* bins out two ******* days early when they've got to sit there and it attracts ----. I'm trying to sell me flat. There's dirty, shitty undies all over the ******* pavement. This has happened to you, hasn't it? Yeah, it has, yeah. Has it really? Yeah, it has. What did you do? They don't give a ----. We hope that's been useful for you. So when you visit England, you can talk just like an Englishman. Thank you for learning English with Ricky Gervais and Carl Pilkington. See ya.